Can relationships just simply... fizzle out?

[esstea]

Do you think it's possible for relationships to simply fizzle out? And I mean fizzle out with no serious cause or trigger.

 

Alittle background info: I've posted quite a bit here so some of you may know my story. My boyfriend is in Germany for 7 months and needless to say it's been a pretty rocky time. For some reason he has no reception anywhere he goes on weekends and we've had some communication issues (which we are trying to work on.). Italicized trying for a reason.

 

But I can't help but constantly feel frustrated with him. I feel like he's living his LIFE out in Germany and experiencing new things, and I honestly want to feel happy for him, but why do I feel like I'm growing bitter? Maybe 'cause the thought of him having an amazing time without me sucks. Like he's having the time of his life and isn't making an effort to make me feel apart of it. He's even going to Oktoberfest in Munich this upcoming weekend and I can't help but feel the least bit enthusiastic for him.

 

The bottom line of it all is I feel like our separation has made him lose sight of our relationship and that he's taking it for granted. Our communication hasn't been on par lately but I feel like when I tell him to talk to me more it's just not flowing naturally; it feels forced. He never sends those cheesy, cute text messages that you'd appreciate SO much, he never really bothers to engage in REAL conversation, just the insignificant small talk like "hey what are you doing, oh cool." kind of thing. I'm honestly feeling like it's simply fizzling out....

 

What should I do? I want to make it work because I know this is temporary and I know we're great together and that he'll be back. But I'm afraid during this period of time I'll grow bitter to the point beyond repair.....

Edited October 2, 2012 by esstea

[LittleTiger]

Esstea, what you have written here is what you need to discuss with him. This is a fairly typical LDR scenario.

 

The one who is left at home sees the other one having an exciting new life and feels excluded. While the one who is away is just enjoying their new life and making the most of it - oblivious to how their SO is feeling.

 

You need to talk to him and let him know, in the nicest possible way, that you feel you are drifting apart and you need more of his time. He won't try to fix it if he doesn't realise it's broken.

[bluegreen]

Good question and am glad am not only one with that ugly green monster called jealousy about some of the things "he" got to do has done or will be able to do and am not.

I would hope to be able to classify that as normal we all are programmed to want things to be happy to be successful to experience travel and having fun.

 

"He" also has done twice as much of that as me has finished his college education his job is exciting and every day hero kind and his resume and work experience makes mine pathetic.

 

Believe me more then once I almost choked on those thoughts they actually hurt

But I try to remember its not his fault he is still someone I love and I kick his tush : )) on more then one field that makes it better somehow or at least for time being.

 

Now on fizzling part I think yes its possible I don't want to freak you out but

Germany and USA are sky and earth different morals over there are way out of our understanding : Nude beaches , Whole Family Sun bathing Naked as Jay birds,

One night Hook -Ups in discos and bars are pitifully normal occurrence and make our bar scene virgin like in consideration,

 

Girls dress like hookers and 14 years old already had sex for at least 2 years could give us few pointers as well and October Fest is one huge get lush drunk and screw anything you can get your paws on party.

 

How do I know this well am European myself and Germany is chock full of my friends and people I know now don't get me wrong am not trying to drag that country and its people trough mud its "cultural" thing that's who and how they are.

 

 

If he is so tepid and mild in showing interest in you DO SAME

No more mushy messages get dolled up and head out have some fun to

( not cheating ) unless you discover he did then all bets are off.

 

To make this simple treat him as he treats you and if he loves you soon he will start either to wonder come out and ask what's wrong or he is already out of the picture.

 

 

This may be long distance relationship but you are not only one who has to do what it takes to make it work ....

[esstea]

Good question and am glad am not only one with that ugly green monster called jealousy about some of the things "he" got to do has done or will be able to do and am not.

I would hope to be able to classify that as normal we all are programmed to want things to be happy to be successful to experience travel and having fun.

 

"He" also has done twice as much of that as me has finished his college education his job is exciting and every day hero kind and his resume and work experience makes mine pathetic.

 

Believe me more then once I almost choked on those thoughts they actually hurt

But I try to remember its not his fault he is still someone I love and I kick his tush : )) on more then one field that makes it better somehow or at least for time being.

 

Now on fizzling part I think yes its possible I don't want to freak you out but

Germany and USA are sky and earth different morals over there are way out of our understanding : Nude beaches , Whole Family Sun bathing Naked as Jay birds,

One night Hook -Ups in discos and bars are pitifully normal occurrence and make our bar scene virgin like in consideration,

 

Girls dress like hookers and 14 years old already had sex for at least 2 years could give us few pointers as well and October Fest is one huge get lush drunk and screw anything you can get your paws on party.

 

How do I know this well am European myself and Germany is chock full of my friends and people I know now don't get me wrong am not trying to drag that country and its people trough mud its "cultural" thing that's who and how they are.

 

 

If he is so tepid and mild in showing interest in you DO SAME

No more mushy messages get dolled up and head out have some fun to

( not cheating ) unless you discover he did then all bets are off.

 

To make this simple treat him as he treats you and if he loves you soon he will start either to wonder come out and ask what's wrong or he is already out of the picture.

 

 

This may be long distance relationship but you are not only one who has to do what it takes to make it work ....

 

Bluegreen, your interpretation of Oktoberfest really makes me worried. If anything does happen, well.. we'll deal with it then. I don't think he would but still... I'm a girl, and he's in a freaking drunk fest in a complete different continent. Let me be crazy, right??!! My boyfriend is very attractive too. I'm scared of what these girls will do. Uggggh..... this situation is beyond unreassuring. Ah well. It's not under my control.

 

I want to act the same way he acts to me just so he could realize it. But does "fire with fire" really diffuse the problem? Probably not...

[esstea]

Esstea, what you have written here is what you need to discuss with him. This is a fairly typical LDR scenario.

 

The one who is left at home sees the other one having an exciting new life and feels excluded. While the one who is away is just enjoying their new life and making the most of it - oblivious to how their SO is feeling.

 

You need to talk to him and let him know, in the nicest possible way, that you feel you are drifting apart and you need more of his time. He won't try to fix it if he doesn't realise it's broken.

 

I actually have discussed this with him and it's funny because he actually feels like what he was doing was trying. THAT was his trying. It's a sad thought but I almost feel like he's in denial about trying to find a balance between me and his life there. He just can't do it.

[LittleTiger]

If he is so tepid and mild in showing interest in you DO SAME

No more mushy messages get dolled up and head out have some fun to

( not cheating ) unless you discover he did then all bets are off.

 

To make this simple treat him as he treats you and if he loves you soon he will start either to wonder come out and ask what's wrong or he is already out of the picture.

 

I strongly disagree. Never fight fire with fire. You just end up with much bigger flames!

 

He isn't a mind reader and playing tit for tat is not good communication.

 

ALWAYS talk first!

[bluegreen]

I am so sorry but I prefer blunt rather then putting head in sand and ignoring the issue and from the heart I hope am wrong been cheated on once it still burns like poison .

Unfortunately there is not much you can do here and

yes he can stray easily he is hot foreign stranger and seen as "single" without you there but hopefully he would not screw up serious relationship for quick ....

 

Well you got point but are you also going to pretend you don't have these fears and let him think its OK if he keeps up with this or you might bite a bullet and ask him : Does he still want to be in this relationship or not be he there or on mars if he gets upset turns that around on you its red flag.

 

 

You need to talk to him like right now tell him what you want need and are capable of accepting be dead serious and be ready to have him offer excuses get angry call you irrational and such but don't back off.

 

No one deserves to be toyed with taken for granted yeah we we all get that

but taken for fool no way no how ...

[bluegreen]

I strongly disagree. Never fight fire with fire. You just end up with much bigger flames!

 

He isn't a mind reader and playing tit for tat is not good communication.

 

ALWAYS talk first!

 

 

: )) As I said to her already "you" both got point and it was meant if talking first does not help or do anything sometimes man will try to see just how far they can go and how far they can push us.

So once again YES TALK FIRST be serious up to a point be clear you are not just no one you are his girlfriend unless told otherwise and you have rights here and there to.

[HeavenOrHell]

Playing games and acting the same as he is is being passive aggressive.

 

LittleTiger advised that they need to communicate, which is the opposite to putting your head in the sand.

 

 

 

I am so sorry but I prefer blunt rather then putting head in sand and ignoring the issue and from the heart I hope am wrong been cheated on once it still burns like poison .

Unfortunately there is not much you can do here and

yes he can stray easily he is hot foreign stranger and seen as "single" without you there but hopefully he would not screw up serious relationship for quick ....

 

Well you got point but are you also going to pretend you don't have these fears and let him think its OK if he keeps up with this or you might bite a bullet and ask him : Does he still want to be in this relationship or not be he there or on mars if he gets upset turns that around on you its red flag.

 

 

You need to talk to him like right now tell him what you want need and are capable of accepting be dead serious and be ready to have him offer excuses get angry call you irrational and such but don't back off.

 

No one deserves to be toyed with taken for granted yeah we we all get that

but taken for fool no way no how ...

[LittleTiger]

I actually have discussed this with him and it's funny because he actually feels like what he was doing was trying. THAT was his trying. It's a sad thought but I almost feel like he's in denial about trying to find a balance between me and his life there. He just can't do it.

 

If he believes he IS trying that's a good sign and I'd recommend talking some more. Careful you don't nag though. Remember, he is in a relationship with you because he likes you and your company, so when you do spend time chatting, make sure you are your usual happy self and that you have a life you can talk about too. Nothing will chase him away faster than you continually saying how lonely and miserable you are without him!

 

The trick is to keep reminding him what he's missing. If he thinks you're special he will want to keep you happy. If he thinks you're special then Oktoberfest is not a threat to you.

 

If he won't meet you half way then you clearly do have a problem because relationships take two. Sadly, some relationships do fizzle out, with or without distance. Out of sight, out of mind is all too common in LDRs.

[justwhoiam]

Do you think it's possible for relationships to simply fizzle out?

Yes.

 

And I mean fizzle out with no serious cause or trigger.

There might be a series of causes.

 

For some reason he has no reception anywhere he goes on weekends

I've been to several regions of Germany and reception has always been quite good everywhere. This is the first big red flag.

 

why do I feel like I'm growing bitter? Maybe 'cause the thought of him having an amazing time without me sucks

Understandable. He shouldn't have made you feel that way.

 

He's even going to Oktoberfest in Munich this upcoming weekend and I can't help but feel the least bit enthusiastic for him.

I wouldn't be either. People get severly drunk, women too. There are people coming from abroad for this big feast.

 

our separation has made him lose sight of our relationship and that he's taking it for granted.

Drop him. I guess you represent the girl always there for him. You won't be that anymore. What for? Find a good reason to be that. I don't think you'll find a good enough reason right now. He decided things for himself that didn't involve you. Did he ask you: "I was thinking of going to the Oktoberfest, but I'm not sure. What do you think?" No, he didn't. That didn't even cross his mind probably. So that's not like living as a couple, even if you're far away.

 

when I tell him to talk to me more it's just not flowing naturally; it feels forced.

This is bad. It happens when things are unbalanced in the couple. Often, a man learns about this only the hard way.

 

He never sends those cheesy, cute text messages that you'd appreciate SO much

I don't like cheesy text messages. What are you thinking of?

 

What should I do?

Well, the final decision is only up to you. I know what I would do. I would call him and tell him that I've thought about things happening between us lately and I don't like this relationship anymore. I'm sorry I thought I could make it until you were coming home, but I can't anymore, as with anything, it takes two, and I was alone in trying to make it work. Have fun at the Oktoberfest and be happy, because you don't have a girlfriend anymore. At least, not this one. Edited October 2, 2012 by justwhoiam

[esstea]

Welp.... @justwhoiam just knocked some major sense into me. I've actually given this a month already and nothing has really changed.

 

I think it's clear what I have to do. I'm just going to think about it for a day or two though just to really get a clear picture of the whole situation. Man. It's just heartbreaking. Here two people are so great with eachother in person and then boom, simply separate them physically and it turns to sh*t. I want to try so bad. So so soooo bad. But I'm just so tired of feeling like it's going anywhere but downhill.

 

Would you guys try to make it work? If you put yourselves in my shoes and your boyfriend was in Germany, acting the same way, etc.

[HeavenOrHell]

Some of the posters here are saying your partner might cheat on you at this fest, but you've not said yourself you're worried about that, I mean had the thought crossed your mind or bothered you until people here suggested it?

 

Has he cheated before, do you think he could? If not then I would trust him and not make it an issue if it's not one.

 

R/ships, LD or local, can fizzle out if both people don't work at it, and LDR's need extra communication and effort and enthusiasm to keep them going. You have to find ways to keep the bond or it is in danger of fizzling out.

 

If you've told him how you feel and he's still not making the effort then I would be worried. On the other hand he'll be back in 7 months, and if you think things will be fine once he's back then maybe stick with it, or do you think he might be distant still once he's back?

 

When my partner goes to see bands or goes to social things he texts or calls while he's there, not because I've asked him to, but just cos he's checking in with me while he's out and sharing what he's up to.

 

 

 

Do you think it's possible for relationships to simply fizzle out? And I mean fizzle out with no serious cause or trigger.

 

Alittle background info: I've posted quite a bit here so some of you may know my story. My boyfriend is in Germany for 7 months and needless to say it's been a pretty rocky time. For some reason he has no reception anywhere he goes on weekends and we've had some communication issues (which we are trying to work on.). Italicized trying for a reason.

 

But I can't help but constantly feel frustrated with him. I feel like he's living his LIFE out in Germany and experiencing new things, and I honestly want to feel happy for him, but why do I feel like I'm growing bitter? Maybe 'cause the thought of him having an amazing time without me sucks. Like he's having the time of his life and isn't making an effort to make me feel apart of it. He's even going to Oktoberfest in Munich this upcoming weekend and I can't help but feel the least bit enthusiastic for him.

 

The bottom line of it all is I feel like our separation has made him lose sight of our relationship and that he's taking it for granted. Our communication hasn't been on par lately but I feel like when I tell him to talk to me more it's just not flowing naturally; it feels forced. He never sends those cheesy, cute text messages that you'd appreciate SO much, he never really bothers to engage in REAL conversation, just the insignificant small talk like "hey what are you doing, oh cool." kind of thing. I'm honestly feeling like it's simply fizzling out....

 

What should I do? I want to make it work because I know this is temporary and I know we're great together and that he'll be back. But I'm afraid during this period of time I'll grow bitter to the point beyond repair.....

[HeavenOrHell]

It's irrelevant what these girls might or might not do, if he's trustworthy there's no problem.

I would hope he wouldn't get drunk to the point of not knowing what he's doing, that kind of behaviour wouldn't appeal to me, ie I wouldn't be with someone who was out of control when drunk, because I deserve better, so do you. But I'm not sure if that's a real possibility that could happen or just something you're imagining?

 

 

 

Bluegreen, your interpretation of Oktoberfest really makes me worried. If anything does happen, well.. we'll deal with it then. I don't think he would but still... I'm a girl, and he's in a freaking drunk fest in a complete different continent. Let me be crazy, right??!! My boyfriend is very attractive too. I'm scared of what these girls will do. Uggggh..... this situation is beyond unreassuring. Ah well. It's not under my control.

 

I want to act the same way he acts to me just so he could realize it. But does "fire with fire" really diffuse the problem? Probably not...

[amayana]

To answer your question: Yes, love can peter out. However, I think you're still in a position to change that. I understand how you feel. He's having the time of his life and it's not with you, it's with other people you don't know and probably never will know. Have you told him that you miss his cheesy, cute texts, that you feel distant from him? Have you asked him how he feels? In other words, have you properly talked about it? Just tell him you really want to talk to him seriously, and that you wish he took the time to do that for the two of you.

 

Let me say one thing, though. If you don't trust him, your relationship is in trouble. One of the most important factors in a LDR is trust. If that's not there you will get caught up in all sorts of anxieties. They'll eat you up and affect your relationship even more. Has he ever given you any reasons not to to trust him? (eg. has he cheated on you in the past?)

Even if he goes to the Oktoberfest and gets drunk, it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to get on the next-best girl he meets there. I understand you're anxious and a little insecure. I tend do be insecure, jealous and anxious when I know my boyfriend will be out getting pissed. However, I trust him. I'd hate him to think I don't trust him...

 

But yeah, honest communication is key. Let him know how you feel. Tell him what you told us. If he cares about you and loves you, he'll understand and do everything to make you feel wanted and loved again.

 

PS, for some reason there is an angry emoticon in my post and I don't know how it happened. It's not supposed to be there and don't know how to get rid of it haha!

Edited October 2, 2012 by amayana

[esstea]

I have talked to him about this countless times actually, and he always reassures me and basically tells me I'm being ridiculous. He understands that it's hard for me but that I just need to trust him that he's still the same person over there, as he was over here.

 

amayana, I love your answer. Maybe this whole triad is just me and my insecurities. But I'm not going to put the entire blame on me because I consider myself a pretty understanding and logical person; I wouldn't feel this way over nothing.... There is a fault somewhere, I really just do need to talk to him again I suppose. I'll try my best not to come off as needy or annoying :S

 

A couple of you asked me if he's given me a reason to not trust him and no he hasn't really. There have been sketchy situations though. He was tagged in pictures with this girl and he hid it from showing on his timeline. I asked him about her and he said they are just friends and turned the situation around on me saying "am I not allowed to have friends who are girls?". Sometimes on weekends he also "loses reception" because of bars that are supposedly "underground" blah blah so my messages don't get through. He doesn't really message me while he's out but rather when he gets back into his dorm.

 

Honestly it's a really hard situation to analyze. It could HONESTLY be just a sketchy coincidence and that nothing is happening. Or it could mean a number of other things.... It's all really on me if I want to trust what he says.

 

Ps, thank you to everyone who's been replying! You actually don't know how much I appreciate all your answers

[bluegreen]

Hopefully You will fix this

I might be crazy but it seems that fall and winter are messing out with people's mind and hearts and of course it always helps that we all experience same issues and some worse and bigger than others ....

[esstea]

ALRIGHT GUYS. So I just found out that he wants to actually stay there for another FULL year in Germany and he didn't even tell me about it. I found out through A WALL POST on his friend's timeline. It's not for sure but he didn't even bring the thought up with me, I had to find out through FACEBOOK.

 

WHAT THE F*CK. I AM LIVID! He's being completely inconsiderate of us and.. I get he's doing it all for his future but I don't feel like anything in his life anymore.

UGHHHHHHHH. Anybody??! I don't know what the hell to do anymore.

Edited October 4, 2012 by esstea

[bluegreen]

: ( What an ass-hole cheap coward way of him to do that and know that you can see it rather than face you with a truth of his decision.

Am so sorry doll you know Man are sometimes just bastards plain and simple

If you call him and ask him you will end up in horrible fight if you ignore it he will turn it around on you and say if you cared why did you not said something.

 

Am fairly intelligent person but am at loss of words and way to show you what to do are you willing to consider calling and dumping his ass cause you tried all but jumping out of your skin to work it out ?

[LittleTiger]

ALRIGHT GUYS. So I just found out that he wants to actually stay there for another FULL year in Germany and he didn't even tell me about it. I found out through A WALL POST on his friend's timeline. It's not for sure but he didn't even bring the thought up with me, I had to find out through FACEBOOK.

 

WHAT THE F*CK. I AM LIVID! He's being completely inconsiderate of us and.. I get he's doing it all for his future but I don't feel like anything in his life anymore.

UGHHHHHHHH. Anybody??! I don't know what the hell to do anymore.

 

Esstea, I am so sorry. Sending hugs. This is not a good sign. I can't know exactly how you're feeling but I can tell you I have worn a very similar 'pair of shoes'.

 

My ex husband went overseas to work and he did almost exactly what your boyfriend seems to be doing. Firstly, he was having such a great time in his new life, he could only find 10 minutes a day to talk to me (if that), before he had to rush off for a night out with his 'new friends'.

 

Then he extended his employment contract without telling me!!!

 

A month or so later, on a visit home, he announced he wanted us to split up and he ended up marrying one of those 'new friends'!

 

That's not to say the same thing is happening here, but as soon as I read your post there were alarm bells going off in my head, on your behalf.

 

I hope I'm wrong but I do think you need a very serious conversation about this. If he is not including you when considering his plans for the future, that just speaks volumes.

[esstea]

Wow. I wrote a reply to this and then my internet decided to crash and then I lost everything I typed. Oh well haha.

 

ANYWAYS. YES I did speak to him last night on Skype and told him everything about how I felt. Now here's the interesting part: when I told him he was literally dumb founded. He had no idea. And he actually began to tear up because he felt so bad that he wasn't making me feel appreciated. He told me that he agreed that he wasn't showing enough affection and making me feel important because he's getting caught up with his life there (in Germany), but told me that he still wants to make this work because he loves me and that he'll be a better boyfriend, and all that jazz.

 

I guess that's a good sign...? I mean what's that quote that goes something along the lines of "if a man loves you nothing can make him leave, if he doesn't nothing can make him stay." something like that. It appears he still loves me and wants to make this work so as long as he is, then I am. I'm really just worried that this change will only last for 2 weeks and then it'll just go back to how it was..... I'm really at my last straw right now.... but we'll see how things go.

 

@LittleTiger, I'm sorry that happened to you! That is terrible and I really hope this ultimately isn't how my relationship turns out.. How was your guys' relationship during the time you and your ex husband were apart? And @bluegreen, I have jumped out of my skin to make this work. I've extended my outermost patience with him, I've understood when his phone would die and wouldn't reply to me for hours on end.... I've just done a lot. I'm really hanging by a thread now but like I said, we'll see how this goes.

[justwhoiam]

There are none so deaf as those who will not hear.

[bluegreen]

Lets give not give her any more grief then poor girl already went trough yes I agree she should have kicked his miserable selfish ass but we all have forgiven and closed eyes for love.

 

Good Now just make sure he keeps up with his word and start calling him on his faults you just might have spoiled him to much and he took that for granted if you are lonely and miserable with him you can be so single to right ?

 

To many guys out there would give anything to get decent loving girl

remind him of that fact and if he does not care about what's his someone else will ...

[bluegreen]

I wonder what happened : ) hope its all cleared up between them ?

[esstea]

Hello!

 

Yeah things have actually gotten better.

 

I definitely have seen more of an effort on his part to put time and show effort in our relationship so I really appreciate that. He texted me to let me know he was ok and having a good time while he was out at Oktoberfest so I really happy about that too. It's been a steady incline I'd have to say