Never Say Never Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 (edited) Psychology: Understanding Happiness - iTunes U I’ve been lurking here for about two years. I found myself in a situation I thought I couldnever put myself in. I had been like many other women who do not, could not and never would understand how someonecould have an affair. I remember walking into my then husband’s work place as the whispers were rampant regarding twoemployees, a supervisor/secretary, that were deep in an affair. The wife walked into the business and created a huge scene. Today, I believe the supervisor/secretary are happily married although they went through huge tribulation to get there. Never fails, whenever I slightly judge something/someone I tend to find myself in a similar situation—even if it is years later! In my quest for understanding of such an event, I’ve been doing a lot of research, reading, etc. Recently, I came across a 23min clip by Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, who really shed some light on the entire subject. It has nothing to do with “the fog”, rather our biological makeup. We have three “brains” for mating. 1) sexual drive – to have a wide scope of finding someone to reproduce with 2) romantic love – narrowing down to one individual person, “targeting in” 3) attachment – what binds you to one person long enough to raise our offspring. She states it is possible to love more than one person, be romantically in love with someone else yet not leave due to the attachment to the other. (Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat). If you find this information useful, great, just trying to pass on information I feel may also be of help to others in this situation. Brain chemistry is all pretty fascinating..... Edited October 2, 2012 by Never Say Never 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 And I wonder were impulse control falls into the brain chemistry when you love + cheat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Just more psychbabble horse**** to explain away a cheaters actions. If you're so miserable with who you're with that you have to have an affair ...then leave and find someone more compatible. I don't want to hear "my three brains made me do it." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Just more psychbabble horse**** to explain away a cheaters actions. If you're so miserable with who you're with that you have to have an affair ...then leave and find someone more compatible. I don't want to hear "my three brains made me do it." LOL......I agree!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 It may have to do with how strong the impulses are that you are trying to control. An explanation why the emotions in EMRs so often are strong, because if they were weaker the MP would have been able to use impulse control and not entered into an EMR. They literally can't stop themselves. uh huh, so we are not able to control our actions? the ideas in the opening post may explain why people develop attraction to others throughout their life. That makes sense. It may also explain why, if that attraction is fed and allowed to grow "romantic love" may occur...but the key here is that it is fed and allowed to grow. That implies control. As human beings, we have free will and the ability to make informed choices for ourselves. I can be hungry, see the donut sitting on my kitchen counter , really want that donut, but I know it isn't good for me so I make the choice not to eat it. The longer I stand there and stare at it and think about how great that donut would be, the more chance I'll say " to h@ll with that" and scarf said donut down. I chose to feed the attraction and made the choice to act on it... Human beings ( and many other animals) have the ability to make informed choices...even a rat in a maze can decide if he wants to eat the cheese 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Many men and women having affairs love the spouse at home as well as the OP. The love for the spouse is long term attachment. The love for the OP is romance enchantment. These two loves can coexist, you are correct. However, to cheat the cheating spouse must have faulty ethical values. The common denominator in cheating is always dishonesty. The other key issue is: Which type of love is stronger after a D-day: Romantic enchantment? Or long term attachment? ooh! ooh! Pick me! I know the answer!! LOL 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 On the surface it would appear that the romantic enchantment should win every single time. At least for me it would always win. So I am always puzzled about cheating MM and MW that throw the AP under the bus on d-day. I conclude that these folks probably cannot love anyone. Hence the cheating and the double cross to the OP. Actually, I see it that longterm attachment and real mature love ( realistic love) are what win the day, not the rush of hormones that occurs during infatuation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Dr. Shirley Glass - Afterword - NOT "Just Friends" In the middle is a quick summary of what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 That's a good point, Pierre, and a point well taken. I suppose I find that the affair relationship wasn't constructed in reality, and the vast majority of the time, that's why it doesn't survive transition or why the AP is not chosen. I would for sure 100% agree that a serial cheater is probably unlikely to be able to really love anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Yep. it is basically common sense stuff, however for the some men and women the concept is different. If they feel attraction for someone else them their marriage must be broken. Many OWs assume that if the marriage was not broken the poor cheating man would not go for her. They forget that if you put men and women together romance happens regardless of the circumstances at home. You.betcha. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 Psychology: Understanding Happiness - iTunes U I’ve been lurking here for about two years. I found myself in a situation I thought I couldnever put myself in. I had been like many other women who do not, could not and never would understand how someonecould have an affair. I remember walking into my then husband’s work place as the whispers were rampant regarding twoemployees, a supervisor/secretary, that were deep in an affair. The wife walked into the business and created a huge scene. Today, I believe the supervisor/secretary are happily married although they went through huge tribulation to get there. Never fails, whenever I slightly judge something/someone I tend to find myself in a similar situation—even if it is years later! In my quest for understanding of such an event, I’ve been doing a lot of research, reading, etc. Recently, I came across a 23min clip by Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, who really shed some light on the entire subject. It has nothing to do with “the fog”, rather our biological makeup. We have three “brains” for mating. 1) sexual drive – to have a wide scope of finding someone to reproduce with 2) romantic love – narrowing down to one individual person, “targeting in” 3) attachment – what binds you to one person long enough to raise our offspring. She states it is possible to love more than one person, be romantically in love with someone else yet not leave due to the attachment to the other. (Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat). If you find this information useful, great, just trying to pass on information I feel may also be of help to others in this situation. Brain chemistry is all pretty fascinating..... Thanks for the info! It is definitely fascinating. And, as scientists learn more and more about this sort of thing, the more and more things make sense to us. I for one have always thought that more understanding equals better processing and living. As an aside, have you seen any of the studies on the brain and homosexuality? That is also quite interesting, in that, our brains are somewhat pre-wired to be attracted to one sex or the other. And studies have confirmed that the characteristics of the brains who are attracted to men, or are attracted to women, are identifiable and easily recognized. So that, males who are attracted to males have a more "female" brain, and women who are attracted to women have a more "male" brain. Brain studies will continue by leaps and bounds I think, and like you, I greatly enjoy studying them and reading them. Thanks again for the link! I will look up the studies. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 I have to add that during the initial stages of romantic enchantment it is quite difficult to fall for someone else. Some people do, but most folks that love two people at the same time have one long term and one early romance relationship going on. If the prospective OP has never been married she or he may think that a marriage is supposed to be fill with butterflies 24/7 because that is the only reference they have regarding love. I agree, and I would assume that was the case with the OW in our situation. Although she has been an OW with other MM, too. But judging from what she wrote to my spouse- that seemed very much to be her opinion. Rainbows and butterflies and all that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Never Say Never Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 It may have to do with how strong the impulses are that you are trying to control. An explanation why the emotions in EMRs so often are strong, because if they were weaker the MP would have been able to use impulse control and not entered into an EMR. They literally can't stop themselves. I think impulse control is only one of many factors involved. For the serial cheater, perhaps you are correct..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Never Say Never Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 Just more psychbabble horse**** to explain away a cheaters actions. If you're so miserable with who you're with that you have to have an affair ...then leave and find someone more compatible. I don't want to hear "my three brains made me do it." I absolutely agree (I did move on from the H and MM, because that was right fore me and the situation(s)....), however, the clip really shed some light as to why that is not necessarily so easy for those involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Never Say Never Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 As an aside, have you seen any of the studies on the brain and homosexuality? That is also quite interesting, in that, our brains are somewhat pre-wired to be attracted to one sex or the other. And studies have confirmed that the characteristics of the brains who are attracted to men, or are attracted to women, are identifiable and easily recognized. So that, males who are attracted to males have a more "female" brain, and women who are attracted to women have a more "male" brain. Brain studies will continue by leaps and bounds I think, and like you, I greatly enjoy studying them and reading them. Thanks again for the link! I will look up the studies. Thank you for the insightful reply. Yes, I have read, along the way, about the homosexual brain. Our outsides portray one thing, yet our inside is another--the epitome to the extreme of "never judge a book by it's cover". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Never Say Never Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 On the surface it would appear that the romantic enchantment should win every single time. At least for me it would always win. As for me, I fully agree. Then hopefully, we've all done our research/homework on emotional health, relationships and how to keep the spark alive with whomever we meet in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
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