In Pain! I Busted the Girl I was Dating Big Time!

[imea]

Hello everyone,

 

My name is Michael and I want to share my story…

 

This weekend I completely busted the girl I had been dating in a major lie. It actually hurt way more then I ever thought I could be hurt because I cared so much about her and she said she cared so much about me and it really seemed that way. My gut feeling told me something was up and even Monday I sent her an email that I broke down into two parts - 1st) telling her how I felt about her and being sappy. 2nd) I asked if something else was going on. I ended the email with...

 

"I told you I wouldn’t mess things up with us which I honestly meant. I respect you and care enough that I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize or put an end to what we have or maybe could have in the future. It also means that I wouldn’t keep anything from you that might upset you just because it might upset you.

 

So please Jen, all feelings aside is there anything else you want to tell me?"

 

I also asked her this many times in person and she kept telling me I had nothing to worry about - I'm the only one. She even replied to my email saying "baby, you have nothing to be leery about" and basically begged me to trust her. I wanted more then anything to trust her but that tightness around my heart kept telling me I'm not hearing the truth and she kept denying. Maybe it is just karma getting back to me for all of the relationships I was in that I wasn't being honest in. Maybe I made the first mistake by letting us become more then just friends after being best friends for about 4 months and her being so much younger then me (she's 21/I'm 28).

 

Anyways you can read the complete story and see how I busted her on a site I posted to help me vent my anger, it's a pretty long read and all of it is the truth - <URL removed>

 

To make a long story short I asked on many occasions if she still talked to someone and she said no. She deleted his number out of her cell phone in front of me. She told me that he knows about us and wished us the best. She was suppose to leave on Wednesday for a car show in Chicago and said she didn't know if she would see him there or if he was even going.

 

Come to find out... This other guy came in town on Wednesday night and stayed at her house and then they drove up to the car show together on Thursday and I found out on my own. She even was text messaging me on my phone early Thursday morning that she can't sleep on her friends couch in Chicago that she said she was going to be staying at. She said it's just the two of them in the house and doesn't know why I'm being so paranoid, that I have nothing to worry about and she thinks that I'm the one for her. All the while he was staying at her house here in St. Louis. I busted them because he posted a new thread on a forum "I'm at Jenn's" from her account and signed his name.

 

You would really have to read the entire story to truly understand what happened.

 

Even though I had strong feelings that something was happening and I didn't have proof, I told her it was OK to tell me, that I wouldn't get mad and we could go back to just being friends with no problems. She said that she didn't want to just be friends. I even told her that I was going to back my feelings off a bit because when the truth came out I didn't want to be hurt... I guess that was my only lie. I ended up being hurt more then I ever thought I could be... I'm not even mad/hurt that she was seeing the other guy, I am hurt that a friend that I trusted so much and cared about could lie to me right in my face so many times when all I asked for was the truth. If you only knew how many opportunities I gave her to just come clean.

 

She has emailed an apologized and sounds genuinely upset but I don’t know what the truth is anymore – did she ever care for me as much as she said? She even said she loved me and she wishes she could take back our relationship so I would never get hurt. Why wouldn’t she want to take back the lies and keep the love?

 

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that maybe I'm not supposed to be angry and have hate about all of this. Maybe I am supposed to be understanding and forgive... I once asked for forgiveness from a girlfriend I was with for 7 years that I wronged and never got it. That's a feeling I never want to put someone else through. Maybe I'm not suppose to be as happy as I was with her and care for someone that much and be that honest.

 

She also seems to be madder that I posted the entire story and I told her that I know what I did in return hurt her too and maybe at the time I was looking for satisfaction in trying to hurt her back. I was looking for something to make me not care so much and to stop the pain she put me through. I didn't have any lies that I told her to get back at her. At the time it was anger, disgust, and I was thinking of the situation as an eye for an eye and the fact that she drew first blood by wronging me, it made it seem OK.

 

Now I am looking through another set of eyes at the situation... She knows that she did wrong, she knows how much I cared and trusted her, she knows that she have lost a loving friend and she will have to live with that knowledge and that we could have had an amazing loving future together. Maybe if she did really care this was enough payback without posting it all to the world.

 

But then I don’t know if she even cared.

 

I have never forgiven anyone in my life and maybe I should, maybe this was another lesson of life. If she asks for it I think I will forgive her but I doubt I will be able to forget and be her friend again – that trust is gone.

 

I really want to see her so she can apologize and I can hug her and cry about it and I can tell her that it’s OK, people make mistakes - I have made mistakes and then move on with our lives without each other.

 

Any thoughts? Right now I have had this pain in my chest since I found it all out… It feels like someone sitting on my sternum. And being angry hasn’t helped and neither has going out drinking with my friends (I know that never helps). I don’t want to sound like a baby but in all honesty… I feel I need to just hug someone and cry my heart out.

 

Thanks for your time!

-Michael

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

What a sad story. She played you for a total fool. She continued to lie to you while she was sleeping with this guy. Don't bother to waste your energy on her. She is a liar and a cheater who continued to play you until the bitter end. Move on and get away from her and find someone who respects and cares for you because this girl does not. You learned a lesson.

[Grinning Maniac]

HHAAAAAHAHAH You busted that bitch hardcore man. Good job lol.

 

Sorry things turned out bad for you though. She's a hell of a liar.

[littleflowerpot]

okay, michael, i'm gonna be really honest with you. i think it's kinda creepy that you've created a website JUST to rail on and on about this woman. in your site, you say you've only been dating her for about 4 or 5 weeks

 

dude, you seem obsessed and your anger and rage are scary. hey, i know it hurts to be betrayed and i've been there but you can't get this extreme over it. what if you and she had been married? i shudder to think what you might have done to her AND yourself.

 

you are obviously in a lot of pain and i think you really need some therapy. this could really cause you a lot more trauma and damage than a girl you've dated for a few weeks turning out to be a cheater.

 

should you forgive her? probably not and i don't think you should get back together with her. i know that must hurt you but it would hurt a whole lot more if you ended up marrying this girl and having a family and found out she was cheating on you.

 

and you sound like you have serious anger problems. that could destroy you for any further healthy relationships. get some help in dealing with this. there is no shame in that. it doesn't make you weak. you are weak if you can't go get the help you need to cope with the loss. and you deserve to be happy.

[Grinning Maniac]

Anger problems? Seems to me he just confronted this girl about her SCORES of lies. Was making a whole website about it a little much? Possibly. But after being lied to so much, I can't even really mess with him about it.

 

The man's no fool.

 

 

edit: They only dated for a few weeks? Hm...that's a horse of a different color. That does make his actions a little odd in my eyes but he's still in the right for just owning her so completely. I now consider him the "Batman" of Loveshack. Not right in the head, but smart, and on the side of good.

[XYZ]

WoW! Nothing much to say here! Dump her! I don't agree with "littleflowerpot" If a girl lied to me so much like this one, I would even advertise it on a newspaper! Great catch imea! I am sorry this all thing turned out bad for you... Don't be upset or depressed... Be happy that you cought her... What if you didn't!

 

I think it is a great idea to make a website about this. She humiliated you with all those lies and by being with this other guy. You have all the rights in this world to humiliate her! No anger management problem here.

 

Good luck! Nothing to advice... Get rid of her as soon as possible.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Grinning Maniac

Anger problems? Seems to me he just confronted this girl about her SCORES of lies. Was making a whole website about it a little much? Possibly. But after being lied to so much, I can't even really mess with him about it.

 

The man's no fool.

 

 

edit: They only dated for a few weeks? Hm...that's a horse of a different color. That does make his actions a little odd in my eyes but he's still in the right for just owning her so completely. I now consider him the "Batman" of Loveshack. Not right in the head, but smart, and on the side of good.

 

i still think there is something a bit creepy about a guy that gets so hell bent on revenge after a five week relationship.

 

i'm not sure what you meant by "owning her so completely." no one owns anyone.

 

also, i read the exchanges and i still don't know that i see concrete evidence she had sex with this guy. she lied, yeah. maybe there was no sex. unlikely, but still possible.

 

i love batman and all but he still is a superhero with hellacious demons.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by XYZ

WoW! Nothing much to say here! Dump her! I don't agree with "littleflowerpot" If a girl lied to me so much like this one, I would even advertise it on a newspaper! Great catch imea! I am sorry this all thing turned out bad for you... Don't be upset or depressed... Be happy that you cought her... What if you didn't!

 

I think it is a great idea to make a website about this. She humiliated you with all those lies and by being with this other guy. You have all the rights in this world to humiliate her! No anger management problem here.

 

Good luck! Nothing to advice... Get rid of her as soon as possible.

 

i bet you're a man.

[XYZ]

I bet I am! and I bet you are a woman? Are you?

[dyermaker]

I fully agree with littleflowerpot.

 

The fact that your way of dealing with pain is to smear her wherever you can is indicitave of anger probelms. I think there's a civil, mature way about doing things, and I think you avoided that at all costs.

[imea]

Thanks maniac...

 

I really don't think I have anger issues... I'm not even mad about the other guy really, I pretty much expected it... I don't even want to be mad over it anymore - I know being angry wont help anything... I want to be the better person and tell her I forgive her and go about my life. We can't salvage a friendship that had so much trust and now has none!

 

I think I am being very rational and reasonable... People make mistakes, I make them, you make them but we all live with our mistakes. I think the webpage was because I was angry and just wanted to get the truth out while it was fresh in my mind... It was sort of like journal to me and typing up all my thoughts did help a little bit and it helps with advise... just like this site.

 

What hurts the most about all of this is that my best friend lied to me. I admit in my past relationships I have done things that weren't completely honest. And with this one I wanted to change that, I was being 100% honest and asked for the same and she pretty much begged me to believe her that she was!

 

She was a friend for over a year and and we were each others best friends for the past 4 months, and yes we were only dating 4-5 weeks... It was the trust of a friend and the lying to my face when I asked for the truth that sparked all of this... I did nothing wrong and she even said that in her email to me. She thought I treated her great.

 

She says that they are "just friends" but I don't understand why she hid that from me. Yeah I knew they hooked up before but that was before we became more then friends. If she continued to be just his friend and told me, yeah I would of been more cautions about everything. She denied even talking to him and the night before told Laura a mutal friend that "Michael's so great" and that she cares about me so much but then when Laura asked what about Rich she said that she hasn't talked to him in 3 weeks?!?!?! More lies...

[Grinning Maniac]

flowerpot, if I read correctly, she slept with this guy before she was dating imea. so if she did then, why not now? especially since she lied about even talking to him.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by XYZ

I bet I am! and I bet you are a woman? Are you?

 

nah, i just like using names like "littleflowerpot" and using a picture of some chick as my avatar.

 

(yes, i'm a woman)

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by dyermaker

I fully agree with littleflowerpot.

 

The fact that your way of dealing with pain is to smear her wherever you can is indicitave of anger probelms. I think there's a civil, mature way about doing things, and I think you avoided that at all costs.

 

right!

 

or just let her go for the cheating person she is. live and learn. but letting it eat you up inside is not healthy.

 

i'm telling you as a woman (and we are intuitive - so are men but not as in tune with it), michael's creating a website like that over such a short relationship seems a bit creepy, frightening and unwarranted.

 

michael, i'm sure you probably didn't mean to come off like that but i'm telling you honestly that i think you'd chase off a lot of women like that. it just seems like instead of letting go of a bad relationship (if she's lying, it's a bad relationship), you're just stewing in anger and instead you should be finding a way to move on.

[imea]

Yeah and when they hooked up the 1st time she said they went through a 12 pack of condoms that weekend... and she showed me his email about how much he liked her. Also he was going to pull strings for her to get in this car show after registration and obviously did. Also he already bought his ticket to fly to STL from CT. I know I would feal a little weird if I had this great weekend of sex and expressed my feelings for someone, pulled all these strings to ony get in town and she said we were just friends.

 

 

Look past the dating part! It was my best friend and a trust issue! That's where the anger came from - we talked about it and we were both "falling in love" and already cared so much as a friend - everything more was great - so says she!? I asked for honesty - I didn't get it. I never got angry at anything before this, it seemed perfect except for the gut feeling that turned out to be true!

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by imea

Yeah and when they hooked up the 1st time she said they went through a 12 pack of condoms that weekend... and she showed me his email about how much he liked her. Also he was going to pull strings for her to get in this car show after registration and obviously did. Also he already bought his ticket to fly to STL from CT. I know I would feal a little weird if I had this great weekend of sex and expressed my feelings for someone, pulled all these strings to ony get in town and she said we were just friends.

 

 

Look past the dating part! It was my best friend and a trust issue! That's where the anger came from - we talked about it and we were both "falling in love" and already cared so much as a friend - everything more was great - so says she!? I asked for honesty - I didn't get it. I never got angry at anything before this, it seemed perfect except for the gut feeling that turned out to be true!

 

yeah, i do understand the breach of trust and i know it hurts. i do understand she was your best friend. i also think it was a big mistake on your part to be with a chick that could brag to one man about screwing around with another man and using a 12 pack of condoms. she sounds like a nasty chick. she didn't respect you and you obviously deserve better.

 

honey, get over her. i know it doesn't help to have someone tell you that you should be glad that you weren't with her longer because right now all you're feeling is hurt, betrayal, and humiliation. maybe a long time down the road, you'll thank her for showing her true colors sooner rather than later.

 

i really do wish you well and hope you find the happiness that we all deserve.

[tanbark813]

I'm a little on the fence about some of the comments. On the one hand the website is a bit weird, but on the other, I don't think it qualifies as "anger issues". People deal with pain in different ways. But anyway...

 

The main reason I wanted to comment is that, to the OP, yeah she shouldn't have lied, but didn't you see it coming??? I mean, after her not wanting to label the relationship and the fact that you already knew that at some point she was into this other guy, those should have been clear signs right there that you shouldn't fully invest yourself into this girl. At that point you should have pulled back from her, played the field more, and just kept her on the back burner, if not drop her altogether.

 

You're right, she shouldn't have lied. She should have been more upfront with you, and I can understand being frustrated with the lack of open and honest communication. But come on, man, you need to wake up a little. It's in your best interest to read the signs more clearly in the future so that you don't walk blindly into a situation like this again.

 

I know, I know, she told you time and time again how much she loved you, you're the only one, blah, blah, blah. In the world of dating, words mean absolutely nothing. You'll get your answers by observing her actions. Her actions, in this case, never once showed you were the only guy for her.

 

For future reference, whenever you have doubt about a girl, strip away everything she says/has said, and look ONLY at her actions. Therein will lie every answer you could need.

[imea]

Thank you very much LFP!

 

That's the kind of advise I think I need instead of the - seek help yourself because you're angry and lucky you weren't married because I think you would kill them stuff...

 

She bragged when we were just friends but then the next day told me how she feels about me when she got jealous when I talked to another girl. That's how I found out she really did like me more so then just friends that kissed and made out a bit.

 

I am trying to just be a forgiving person and learn from this expierence. It's a great reminder of how much trust you put in the people that we consider our friends, especially when it becomes more.

[young&idealistic]

Crazy. When I read tanbark's comment, I thought, wow--that's so harsh! But you appreciated it! Sorry, random comment, but I'm just kind of amused how guys tend to prefer the bitter truth rather than the sugar-coated kind!

 

But, keeping that in mind, tanbark was COMPLETELY right. You are SO lucky for having early signs of dishonesty. Some girls (and unfortunately, I know this from my own friends) are AMAZING at covering up their escapades. But she did give you some signs to be on heightened alert.

 

Quick question: were you ever friends with her while she was in a relationship with another guy? Did she ever show signs of cheating on them? Or even more, did she ever cheat on a guy WITH you? That's a fail-safe sign, but I didn't get the impression that happened with you.

 

I do feel obliged to mention a girl's not necessarily a cheater if you guys were truly nothing more than friends when she told you about some guy she was with. Well, as long as she has a REALLY REALLY good reason that she HAS to hang out with the guy once you're together. Such as, he's in critical condition at the hospital, or something similarly morbid that I would feel depressed even typing.

 

Basically, if a girl's serious about being with you, she won't see guys from her past unless she has a good reason. And if she really cares about you, she will want to go out of her way to explain why she feels the need to see this person and go to any measure to make you feel ok about it (you meeting the person, her calling you and letting you know what's going on all the time, etc.)

 

I have an ex who's nothing more than a friend, but I let my bf see every internet conversation between us, and I am totally honest about the few times I actually see him--which are NEVER over night!!!!!

 

BTW, since you were with her for such a short time, I think that it would be ok for you to forgive her on a friendship basis--if and only if you're ok with it. If not--it is totally understandable. But you would not be a bad guy if you stayed her friend, because honestly she sounds like she needs some help from a stable friend.

[beautiful]

I 100% agree with littleflowerpot!!

 

I could not have said it better! or maybe I could have:-). Either way when one knows someone for only weeks that is not love it is LUST! A healthy relationship takes time and one must get to know the other.

 

She was not serious about you and she lied and cheated. What is there to talk about still? You move on!

 

Find out why you were so obsessed over someone you did not know!? and why you get so obsessively deeply involved after only a few weeks!

 

This is not about her but all about you! Its time to do some serious self work!

[imea]

Young&Idealistic-

 

I am very glad I saw the signs too... I'm not really angry now about the situation just hurt. When she got back in town and the guy left to go back to CT she called wanting to talk. I went to see her, we discussed everything... more lies came out. I told her that I forgive her and that I care for her very much. I then told her that one day maybe we could go back to how great I thought everything was before this. I hugged her, we both cried and I was trying to tell her goodbye and leave. She wouldn't let me leave and "freaked out" a bit - (that's how I'm going to discribe that). It scared me very much and it got my attention. It got me to stay and talk some more. The next morning more truth came out and she is now confessing her love to me and begging for a 2nd chance and apologizing. I told her maybe someday, I will always be there for her but I can't trust her now. She got the other guy on the phone and let me ask a few questions which I could hear in his voice that he was caught off guard and trying to protect her. Later she was just tired of all of her lies and gave him my phone number so we could talk. He and I talked for about an hour with not one raised word - He was in the dark just as much as me and I feel sorry for him because he is now feeling anger like I did when I found out it happened. He also told me that he did lie when she put us on the phone together to protect her lies that he was finding out when I was asking him.

 

I am in another place now and Jen and I are trying to salvage at least a great friendship. She tells me how much she loves me, and how much I mean to her and that she is so sorry that she hurt me, she keeps begging for a 2nd chance and says that she'll bust her butt to prove to me that this wouldn't happen again and it was the biggest mistake of her life.

 

I told her that I hope she learned a valuable lesson on Friendship, Trust, Honesty and Love and will take it with her in her next relationship. She keeps telling me not to say the last part because she says she'll wait for me as long as it takes.

 

I really can't tell if she is upset because I caught her or because she lied and hurt her best friend. I keep thinking about what would of happened if I didn't catch her...and if it came out 6 months down the line if we stayed so close. She has completely told the other guy she doesn't want to have anything to do with him and maybe they can be friends but that's it.

 

I am listening to what she says with one ear and not my heart so only time will tell if she's truthful now.

 

...was there any signs in her past relationships?

No, not really. I hadn't seen her with a guy and she hadn't been in a relationship for 6 months and the last one wasn't the greatest or healthiest she says. But there were never any signs from previous relationships with the exception of her saying she's been hurt in the past. Her and I would go out all of the time when we were just friends and both point out our types to each other and joked around saying that if we stand to close to each other we're going to F*-up each others Chi!