Friends with Benefits gone wrong...?

[drakewrites]

I've known this girl for a few years. We went out twice, and we care about each other a lot. We started messing around a few months ago, behind her boyfriend's back. She was at my house, and she could tell I wanted to fool around, and so she asked me if I wanted to. I said yes.

 

I felt pretty bad about it, so I said we can't do that any more, you have a BF, etc, but after a few weeks we hung out again, and she just point-blank asked me if I wanted to have sex. I'm single, and alone a lot, so I said yes, again.

 

Since then we fooled around a couple more times. I feel incredibly guilty about doing this, but the thing is, is that I also felt it was kind of an OK exception, because I felt that she truly loved me, and that if I wanted to get back with her, she would dump her bf in a second.

 

Well, everything changed this weekend. We hung out all weekend, like usual, and Saturday morning I told her I started having feelings for her again. I even cried in front of her, telling her that I really think I wanted to be with her again, I was missing her when she was away, etc. I guess I'm not one of those guys that can just sleep around without feelings developing. She's not even my type, really, but I guess I 'grew into' having feelings for her. She said she wasn't sure how to react, but eventually told me she just liked us how we are now, just close friends.

 

I told her today we can't mess around any more, because I'm developing feelings, and it's not fair to me because she has a BF that she obviously wants more than me. It just hurts, because I thought I meant more than that to her. Also, this weekend, her brother saw us kissing, and told her BF, and she lied to her BF and said that her brother was lying to him. This also hurt me, for some reason. I felt she should have told the truth.

 

I'm just confused on what I should do. Should I remain friends with this girl, whom I've known for years, and make sure to not fool around any more? Or should I just initiate NC (No Contact), and cut her off completely? Thanks for any advice.

[TaraMaiden]

Your posting history shows you are more than a little screwed up about this particular girl.

If I were you, I'd completely go off dating anyone at all for a while, go NC with her - totally - get to know yourself and develop your own character - with a bit of backbone and dignity thrown in - and stop messing with things you shouldn't be messing with.

Like, OTHER PEOPLES' GIRLFRIENDS.

[lovejoy41]

Ummm, sorry Drake but "You play with fire, you get burned". You knew that this woman had a bf. I won't be cruel and don't want to judge you but you already knew what it was so how can you expect her to just dump her guy and get with you? Nothing good ever comes from obtaining something the dishonest way. You are treading on thin ice with this woman. I suggest you invest your feelings on someone single and who is available. Not on someone who has feeling invested with another.

 

There is no relationship, it was just you two screwing each other therefore whatever feelings you have don't really matter to her. She doesn't owe you a relationship. Furthermore, you need to take a deep look inside of yourself and ask yourself why would you want to be with someone who cheats? And why you are ok with cheating with someone whom you KNOW is in a relationship??? She doesn't respect you enough to leave her guy nor do you respect yourself. She's having her cake and eating it too and you're basically hand feeding it to her. Stay away from women who are already in relationships. You deserve to be with someone who can 100% commit to you. Give yourself that chance. Leave this woman alone.

[freestyle]

The fact that she was willing to throw her own brother under the bus, and damage his reputation---in order to keep her bf from getting mad at her, speaks volumes about her character. Myself--I would view that as a pretty big red flag.

 

Her brother told the truth, and she labeled him as a liar.

 

 

Would you ever be able to trust her?

[drakewrites]

The fact that she was willing to throw her own brother under the bus, and damage his reputation---in order to keep her bf from getting mad at her, speaks volumes about her character. Myself--I would view that as a pretty big red flag.

 

Her brother told the truth, and she labeled him as a liar.

 

 

Would you ever be able to trust her?

 

Yeah, I didn't think about it that way. It's interesting how well you think you can know a person, and then all of a sudden you find out how different they really are.

 

It is my fault too, though, for getting involved in the first place. I guess I was weak and lonely. I never have done something like this, and I don't plan to again. I also didn't think about what that means for me personally, that I would stoop so low as to be willing to accept someone to be my new girlfriend when they cheated on their current bf with me... thanks, all of you.

 

I changed my phone number, so she isn't able to text me. I also deleted her number, in case I felt the urge to text her soon. She blocked me on FB, so I don't think I'll have a problem there. Just got to cut ties, initiate NC, and try looking for someone worth my time!

 

Thanks for all the great advice.

[freestyle]

Yeah, I didn't think about it that way. It's interesting how well you think you can know a person, and then all of a sudden you find out how different they really are.

 

It is my fault too, though, for getting involved in the first place. I guess I was weak and lonely. I never have done something like this, and I don't plan to again. I also didn't think about what that means for me personally, that I would stoop so low as to be willing to accept someone to be my new girlfriend when they cheated on their current bf with me... thanks, all of you.

 

I changed my phone number, so she isn't able to text me. I also deleted her number, in case I felt the urge to text her soon. She blocked me on FB, so I don't think I'll have a problem there. Just got to cut ties, initiate NC, and try looking for someone worth my time!

 

Thanks for all the great advice.

 

 

Chalk it up to a lesson learned.......

 

And please don't beat yourself up too hard.......It can be easy to overlook a person's traits when you're viewing things through the lens of being attracted to them.

 

Not that I'm an expert---but one conclusion I've personally reached is--that I can't be in a relationship with anyone who's moral compass is not in the same neighborhood as mine. I'd rather be alone, than be with someone who I view as untrustworthy.

 

I've learned to pay more attention to people's actions--than their words.

If they don't match---"Next!!"

 

I wish you my best in your healing from this....