If not just for sex, WHY does a MM cheat?

[unluckylady]

Besides just the animal-sex-natured part of an affair, what even causes a man to look outside the marital bed for another woman to be with? I can't quite figure this out...

[fanou22]

Don't beat yourself trying to understand the real reasons why they cheat.

The majority of reading materials are written by betrayed wives.

 

I have to find a book or something that is written by a man where cheating MMs speak honestly.

 

I stand behind my belief that MM cheat because their is something dysfunctional in their marriage.

 

Read up on my thread where we only talked not only about why he cheats but why did he marry his wife to begin with.

Analyzing MM marriage closely you will find that he married his wife because it was the logical thing to do. Come to find out years later that something is missing. Hence the affair with an OW.

[Forever]

Well here it goes!

I have been reading a lot of the messages that have been on the topic of being involved with MM. I have been married for almost 25 years & I've been involved with what we consider each other as soul mates for over 25 years. I knew this man before each of us was married & we were both young. At that time we were forbidden to be around each other because of our age difference> he is 5 years older than I am. We went our own way & I married a good friend & had 3 children all grown & raised now. He married about 4 years after me & has 3 children all school & high school age, still at home. We have always met up with each other over the years - seeing each other once or twice a year from the beginning of our time.

 

I have a great friend in my husband & would do anything for me; we have a decent sex relationship but not enough. On the other hand my soul mate is great & we know each other very well. As our lives went on we decided it would be best to stay in our current lives so not to hurt anyone or disrupt the families. Once we both got on the same track & found we were meant for each other - I would have given up my marriage & made a life with the soul mate. But he couldn't leave his children & afraid he would not be there to see them grow up. I really never understood this - as much as I cared for him I would have always helped him make the relationship work - now I am at a point in my life where my family is raised & I can move on with my life. Never wanting to break up his home I stayed in the shadows, never threaten to reveal our relationship.

 

For the past 5 years we see each other almost everyday & if not at least 3 out of the 5 days in a week. But on the weekends we belong to our home life & it is so hard for both of us to say good bye on Fri - From time to time I have called everything off saying I can't handle the double life but won't dare leave my family just to sit on the side lines for him. He says he & his wife stay together only to raise the children but they have no sex & haven't for months. I don't believe this & if so I have asked him why won't she? On the other hand maybe she doesn't anymore & makes me so upset - he knows that I have missed all the things in life I wanted - being married to him, having his children & spending the rest of our lives together. I have never tried to get pregnant or threatened to break up his relationship with the wife. After all these years we have built our own relationship & I can't see where it will ever end.

 

When I am devastated & can't go on sometimes - I will go home & my husband, not knowing what is wrong with me is the one that holds me & tells me what ever it is - it will be alright & that he will take care of me. Yes, I cry right now telling you this - but if you only knew how I have tried to do what is right - I am the one who is hurt & loving this man I have known all my life but realize by the time his family is raised I will miss out on my own life.

 

I found this site & read all the messages of others that have the same issues & I could not believe how many are going through what I have alone for years. Then I read reply's telling them how crazy they are to be this way. But, never found anyone that has kept their relationship with lover and husband both for over 25 years. So what does this make me? All I know is that I don't know how to break it off & go on with my life - knowing that I have a golden husband waiting on me. But when your heart is involved it is harder than I can explain. These are the only two men I have ever had in my life.

 

My hardest time is wondering what he is doing with wife & if he is telling me the truth. Why won't he leave her & make a life with me? Every time I try to turn & go the other way - he will always call or find me & we go back to our life the way I guess it will always be. I have justified that it would be best to live this life rather than destroy two - we are the ones that suffer while our family's go on. Some one please help me find a way to do what is right & be strong enough to go through with it.

[Mr Spock]

It's hard to love two people, isn't it? You obviously love your husband. I do think the duplicitness of your relationship is wrong. It's been 25 years. What do you want to happen?

[supermom]

No intention of bashing...but why didn't you divorce your husband a long time ago?

[Forever]

Yes it is very hard to Love two people. But it is really happening to both of us. And I see it happens to others too. The reason I did not divorce my husband & I guess the MM is too – because we didn’t want to open that door – no one is hurting anyone but ourselves and I’m sure we will end up both taking it to our grave so no one ever has to be hurt. I think my soul mate & I do have feelings for others & that’s why we leave it alone. We both woke up one day & realized we were already in to our other lives & could not go back & change what had already been done.

 

We both care about our spouses & children especially – I care not to break up their life! My problem is it should have been mine & I just can’t get over it. We both are trying very hard to go on with our family’s and try to stay apart – but somewhere I read no matter how hard you try or where you go your soul mate will always be there on your mind. We didn't want to divorce our spouses not to put our children through it - I have seen what it is like for the kids when their mother or father drag them around trying to find the right one. They always came first. And we always gave what was left over.

 

So taking one day no wait…. one minute at a time to cope & try to do what is right. Yes, I agree I am nuts but always tried to think of it as this is the best we can do. By the way our relationship is not all about sex we have a great friendship that help each other through bad & good times. So breaking off a relationship would be saying good bye to a best friend. So wish me luck that this time I can really stay strong & think about the others & we can split our ways.

[SoleMate]

Besides just the animal-sex-natured part of an affair, what even causes a man to look outside the marital bed for another woman to be with?

Attention, excitement, to prevent total intimacy with his wife, keeping up with his naughty friends, to show himself that he still can, to show himself that he is "his own man", to enjoy the power play of getting a woman all worked up about him, etc., etc.

[mronederful]

actually, i think i could have been more tactful, if a woman gets involved with a married man, she is cheating first and foremost herself, out of having a real relationship, one where she should be the center. what would make a woman think that if a married man leaves his wife for her, that he won't leave her for someone else?? common sense tells me that a thief is going to steal, and a liar is going to lie and a cheater is going to cheat. is there not enough men in the world or what? here's a tip for all you single guys out there, wear a wedding ring! you may have to lie about "having a wife" but you'll have plenty of "O/W" men cheat on thier wives because they lack the most important part of the marriage. the respect for his wife. are you ever going to be happy living in the shadows? don't you deserve to be the center of someone's world? how is it possible to allow one's self to be treated so badly? i truly feel sorry for you in your situation but, have you ever considered the feelings of the man that gave you a ring and asked you to be his wife?? does he not deserve to be with someone that would not do that to him? or is it ok as long as he doesn't know? how would you feel if you were him? i seriously don't see how a person can "find" themselves into a situation like that

[Debster]

I'm not trying to bash you, but I'm sorry, your excuses and rationalizations, IMO are pathetic. If you truly cared for your husband you would not open him up to the very real possibility of getting his heart broken. If you truly cared about the kids and other people you would not have carried on with another MM for more than two decades and jeapordized your family and his. While I think your behaviour is incredibly selfish, I think it is too late to talk any sense into you. You have been carrying on this farce of a marriage and I don't think you will ever end it - unless of course someone finds out.

[shamen]

Fanou22 said that MM cheat because there is something dysfunctional in their marriage. I disagree.

 

It is because there is something dysfunctional in the man (or woman, for that matter). Just MHO. The person is someone who does not yet know who s/he is.

 

There comes a time to take responsibility for one's actions. If that involves a divorce and a rearranging of one's life, so be it. Or, if it involves going to counseling to find out what's going on to save the person's center and the marriage, then so be that too.

 

Sitting on a fence is no way to live one's life.

[fanou22]

How many times do you hear "I married my wife because it was the right thing to do"?

 

That triggers a buzzer into my head that hey you did not marry her because you love her more than life itself.

If this is not the case then why get married.

 

What I mean by something dysfunctional is those kind od answers. How often does a cheating MM say I married my wife because I loved her. It is more of the I married my wife because he had been so long together.

 

Just my input on this

[shamen]

Again, the person who marries someone because it's "the right thing to do," or because they had been together for so long only and not for love... is dysfunctional.

 

It's not because the marriage itself is dysfunctional. Why marry someone you don't love? That's just plain silliness.

 

If you're not fulfilled in your relationship, leave or go to counseling alone and/or separately. I truly believe that the reason so many people do not succeed in relationships is because one person is not doing their job to make the relationship work. Sometimes it's both. But if one person (or both) is not going to or is not willing to work on it, why bother being in the relationship?

 

Don't waste anybody's time. Cheating is just a symptom of that person's (the MM's or the MW's) own unhappiness, or unwillingness to work on the relationship, or unwillingness to leave their spouse. That person has a choice: work on the relationship that they are in, work on making themselves happy by going to counseling, or get out of the relationship.

 

This counts for bf/gf relationships as well, and sometimes it doesn't involve cheating. For example, there comes a time when one leaves an alcoholic. The alcoholic isn't doing what s/he needs to do for themselves, much less the relationship.

[Forever]

First - thanks for all of your responses.

 

I am listening & looking for answers or the strength to stop this madness. No I am not happy & live in a hell of my own everyday. I am right now trying each day to stay away from MM - I have just given up that we will ever be together.

 

I am trying to look at my relationship with husband & since I can't take back what has already been done then I will concentrate on being the best to him the rest of our lives. I just hope its a strong day when & if the MM contacts me - trying to get me to meet him and talk.....

 

I wonder if he is trying to make it work with his wife - I don't believe either of us are looking for another person - we have only tried to have what ever relationship we can. We both have known each other before ever meeting our husband/wife. But through the years once we realized how much we cared for each other then it was too late - we both had started our own family.

 

I am actually very close to my husband & someone pointed out that after all these years did I really think he didn't know about the other relationship. This was the biggest shocker -

 

could he really know & not do anything or say anything?

 

- I may be blind but I know MM & I have worked very hard not to let this relationship interfere with the others life. Our concern has been not to disturb the children's life - we have seen to many children messed up by being dragged through divorce or multiple relationships. Then I read all the people saying the MM or MW make excuses not to leave the kids & really its just an excuse to justify not leaving.

 

Am I believing a lie? Because this was always my reason.

 

I think he feels it would get ugly if he tried to leave his wife & the children would suffer - The only way I would leave my husband for MM is if we both decided to make a life together & then tell each partner & divorce. Neither of us have ever promised each other we will one day divorce & make a life of our own.

 

Now I am at the stage in my life that I can't live with myself doing this to my husband and can't stand to say good bye to the other - Its like I am waking up and realizing this other life is going no where & hurts soooo bad to continue.

 

I am working very hard to stay strong & do what is right the rest of my life. I just hope to God that I can make it & do what is right. I have already used ones advice & scheduled professional help to give me tools so I can work through all of this.

 

Thanks again for all the support here - I think the site is a good thing that has finally helped me open up & lay everything out on the table - what is real & what is not. I have to start with the one in the mirror & not happy with what I see.

[Bobbie]

he couldn't leave his children & afraid he would not be there to see them grow up. I really never understood this ( forever )

 

I do.

 

Time and time again men seem to lose touch with their children.

I don't know if this is gender specific, or if as more cases of custody are awarded to men as much as women we'll see the non-major parent being excluded irrelevant of gender...but it happens loads.

 

I do shared care mutual arrangements with my ex and it only works because we're both still very fond of each other, enjoy each other's company, and are happy to be together at our son's important events, eg school, sports, social activities.

We decided from the outset that he needed two parents, and that not only would we facilitate each other's involvement, but we actively support each other's lives and go that extra consideration distance which is necessary for a smooth-running family.

Most weekends we do a family thing. We are still openly affectionate to each other.

Many people don't even know we live separately.

 

But for those separations which are acrimonious, there is huge potential for one parent to get left out. After all, for the consistency of the child's life they need at least one parent who cares for them and is involved in their lives. There is still a big social bias towards this being the mother.

 

And for a child, a few days is like a lifetime, it takes a huge effort to keep in touch from a distance.

Especially if the partner doing most of the care is uncooperative or angry.

 

It's sad but time and again people use their children in their battle with their spouse or ex...I've seen it happen to otherwise reasonable intelligent people, and it makes me feel despair for the pain the children must go through being in the middle of it.

 

For any separating couple with children there is some good advice on this British website http://www.spig.clara.net/

[Mr Spock]

Honestly, I think the affair equasion differs for every relationship, as no two people are alike. Therefore, it's hard to generalize on why people have affairs. There are a few glaring reasons, of course, like poor communication, falling out of love, and then like shamen said-dysfunctional people.

[JustAnotherObserver]

I'm not a usual poster... I typically read and read and read... apply some of the advice to my own situations... and it's worked out wonderfully. I've received some good advice in the Shack!!

 

This thread began because the question of Why Men Cheat was posed. I offer this... the reason they do, is not typically for sex (though that can be part the extramarital affair)... It's because PEOPLE require certain things in a relationship. For instance, one might need affection, admiration, sexual fulfillment, conversation and recreational companionship. The other half of the R might need sexual fulfillment, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, honest/openness, and admiration. Every persons needs are different... but they are definitely needs. The key here is... meeting those needs in the relationship/marriage. When even ONE of those needs goes unmet, the person that goes unfulfilled (for lack of a better word) gets that need met elsewhere... Usually not intentionally. Thus, the beginning of either an emotional affair or physical affair. I've learned, it doesn't have to include sex to be an affair. An affair of the HEART is just as dangerous.

 

Good Luck to you all!

 

JOA

[yogurtu]

Originally posted by fanou22

I stand behind my belief that MM cheat because their is something dysfunctional in their marriage.

 

Read up on my thread where we only talked not only about why he cheats but why did he marry his wife to begin with.

Analyzing MM marriage closely you will find that he married his wife because it was the logical thing to do. Come to find out years later that something is missing. Hence the affair with an OW.

 

Fanou22 is partly right and partly wrong; I married my wife becaused I loved her, not because it was the right thing to do (what does this mean in relationships, anyway?) or because I had been with her long enough (unless a six-month relationship, plus one year of living 10,000 miles away from each other with two short visits in between counts as long enough). So she is wrong about this; but she is right about the fact that after many years something may be missing -or become dysfunctional- in the relationship, which is what happened to my wife and me. I didn't know how to deal with this new situation (two new kids, one of them autistic, financial issues, lack of time for ourselves as a couple and other stress factors), and I made the mistake to selfishly go out of the relationship looking for some escape or relief from my own stress

 

I had never cheated -or thought I ever would- on my wife. The relationship's balance was shaken by a number of things and it just went out of control. I know I have learned my lesson, and I know that this could have been prevented if I had sought help when my needs were not being met by my wife, or when I couldn't deal with my stress, but my macho pride didn't let me do any of these things or even communicate these needs to my wife appropriately, so I screwed up big time.

 

There is no simple explanation for why men cheat, but I can say that unmet needs and lack of communication are the main things unless we are talking about MM with sexual addictions or serial cheaters; that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.

 

Bottom line: keep your ears and eyes open for signs of withdrawal and lack of communication and definitely when stress hits in any form; that's when a man is at his weakest and is vulnerable to straying. When things were going well in my relationship with my wife (more than 12 years of marriage, 13 now) no woman could possibly tempt me, but when I was weak I was an accident waiting to happen.

 

There are happy monogamous men, but we are human, we are sometimes weak and give in to temptation. If this is not a pattern, a wife (or a husband) should forgive and try to work on the relationship.

 

Yogurtu

[fanou22]

Yogurtu,

None of us doubts that you love your wife so much. What I say about cheating MM comes from my questions to my MM and his responses. He does not have an ounce of stress in his life so you cannot blame it on that.

I have tried to understand why he does what he does but I kept coming back to same conclusion that he should not have married her in the first place.

 

I got the impression from him that he was pressured into marriage because they had been together for quite some years. I will quote him "it was the right thing to do".

 

Whatever happened to I could not imagine life without without her?

I know I would not want to spend my life with some who does not feel this way about me and vice versa. I know what i am doing is wrong. Time to try and end it again.

[OCandinLove]

I need help, ladies. I got really, really tempted today to call his wife and tell her. I know where she works, and I actually called the number and listened to her outgoing voicemail message.

 

I don't even know why I would tell her, why I'd do that. I am pretty sure that if I told her that he would hate me and never talk to me again. Still, I also wonder about that, because I read the stories about OW who tell the wife, and the MM is mad for a while, but then comes back to the OW.

 

Part of me just wants her to know, I guess. I've discussed my situation with a good gal pal, and she mentioned, "Well, if she knew about you, like either she knew and just dealt with it, or they had some sort of 'open' relationship, then you probably wouldn't feel so bad."

 

I think that might be it. I don't want him to have this perfect life at home, and a perfect girlfriend, all the while I suffer in silence/alone.

 

Please no bashers. I need sincere thoughts from OW.... Spock, any thoughts?

[Bourget]

I have always maintained that it is not your place to tell the W. If you entered into this relationship knowing he was M and you allowed it to progress you simply have no right.

 

That having been said you must also consider the following. You don't know how either he or his W will react to this information you wish to impart. Violence is possible. I've seen it and heard of it many times. Being a MM who's OW told his W I can tell you that you will not get what you want out if this situation if you tell the W. I have never felt the same about my OW after she did this to me. She knew my situation from day one. I never lied to her or misled her in any way but she just lost control. There is nothing more unattractive than when someone does this to themselves. Don't do it yourself. Maintain your self-respect and dignity otherwise I think you will regret it. What would you do if you told her and they stayed together? Would you then try something even more desparate?

 

Also, don't lose sight of the most important thing. It has to be HIS decision. Would you really want this man the way you are considering? Wouldn't it be better if he came to you on his own? I don't know if you're M but if you're not try going NC for awhile. This use to drivr me crazy when my OW did this. I thought she was out on dates having fun or whatever. I would practically run out of the house to get her during these times. If you go NC and he doesn't seek you out then you're not going to end up with him anyway.

 

Just my opinion as a MM. Hope I was of some help.

[fanou22]

Bourget,

It is very interesting to read a MM point of view on these issues.

Please do not get discouraged from posting when some of the angry wives come after you.

Your opinions will be highly valuable to all of us OWs.

 

Funny also what you say about the NC. I have never gone into the NC but any time MM senses me pulling away he is here more than ever. Sometimes it confuses me that he would not give me up. I tried to break it off with him once and it did not work. He appeared at my door step every day to give me a hug and a kiss.

 

Well anyway I haven't read your story. Are you still in married? How about the OW? What made you chose to have an affair?

[fanou22]

OCandinLove,

 

Some of us feel the same way sometime. I will repeat myself that it is no use to tell his wife. You are not gaining anything out of it. I don't think it will make you feel any better about your situation.

I understand your frustration with why should he have it all and be happy. But I would not think for a minute that he has it all. He doesn't. Something is missing and this is why he is with you.

Make it clear in your mind that your affair is not something that will be lasting forever. Also make it a point to let him know that you will not be there forever for him.

At least this what I do with mine.

[Matilda]

I won't pretend that I really have any knowledge about why MM cheat, but the question did remind me of that famous MM, Bill Clinton, and his recent book. In the book, which I have not read, apparently he says he had the affair with Monica Lewinsky because he could.

 

http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/06/20/clinton.book/

[I Survived]

You need to get a hold of yourself and think about what a wonderful, loving relationship you are cheating yourself out of with your husband. You are trying to satisfy two men instead of yourself. Pour all your love into the one man who appreciates you.

 

He, the other guy, has made it clear. He is not willing to leave his wife and family for you. Honey, you're wasting valuable time. Take charge of your own life - leave the cheater (it will hurt, no lie) but devote yourself to what you have. There is a history there. You have children, you have memories, you have each other. Good luck. I'm behind you 100%.

 

I have been both the OW and MW. It's hell on earth.

[Just Lurking]

Originally posted by Bourget

I have always maintained that it is not your place to tell the W. If you entered into this relationship knowing he was M and you allowed it to progress you simply have no right.

 

It may be your place to tell sometimes. I told in order to end the affair that would not stop. He lied to me in this case though and then would not leave me alone once I found out.....and (confession) I had become emotionally invested and didn't always leave him alone. I exposed both of us in this case. I must admit in hindsight, this was drastic. I should have could have just walked away and I did not. He still calls but I do not answer the phone and I have stopped talking to mutual friends about him and I will not listen to what they try to pass on about him...I politely say that I am not entertaining that subject and I would like to talk about more pleasant things. I am still healing and forgiving myself and him though...but now its just a private hell.

 

Maintain your self-respect and dignity

 

There is no self respect when you accept sloppy seconds.

 

Would you then try something even more desparate? It is desparate to accept being Number Two or three or four

 

I don't know if you're M but if you're not try going NC for awhile. This use to drivr me crazy when my OW did this. I thought she was out on dates having fun or whatever. I would practically run out of the house to get her during these times. If you go NC and he doesn't seek you out then you're not going to end up with him anyway.

 

Hum NC as combat tactic. First of all, it may drive him crazy and that is fun but once you give in and have contact he is reassured and the cycle starts again. He learns never to make a decision and you learn how to treat a man in a manner that you would not normally. NC is a losing (losers) game. You are prolonging the inevitable end.

 

However, I would recommend the game of Extreme NC...ie when you show up with divorce papers...let's talk until then be satisfied with what you have.