Forgiving yourself for cheating. It has been so hard for me to do

[s1421]

Some people may know my story. Its been only less than 2 weeks since I last slept with my ex affair partner. It was a short affair but the emotional connection was there. Afterwards, I really missed him and was distraught over the thought of NC. We sent our last emails to each other yesterday.

 

I haven't admitted to my boyfriend about the affair. I don't know if I have the courage to. But now the hard part is trying to get over the feelings of missing my affair partner and of the bad ramifications of cheating. This is including these images in my head of my ex affair partner and I making love, feelings of tremendous remorse, and feeling like I can't forgive myself for what happened.

 

Sending our last emails was hard enough but now I am still torn about the guilt I feel. I will never have an affair again because of the pain I feel from the guilt and missing the affair partner. I also feel guilty for missing the affair partner so much and for thinking about the good times with him. How long until those images started to fade from your head? And how long did it take for you to forgive yourself for cheating?

[veryhappy]

I don't need to forgive myself for cheating, because I went in fully weighing what I was doing.

 

You should be in IC. You had a short A, and are going back to a very poor R (I hope I'm not mistaking you for someone else). You should be dealing with the reality of your R, not focusing on your guilt and seeing something in your boyfriend that was never there. It's normal to retreat to the safety of the R, but you will regret it. Grieve the A, be realistic about your R.

[s1421]

I don't need to forgive myself for cheating, because I went in fully weighing what I was doing.

 

You should be in IC. You had a short A, and are going back to a very poor R (I hope I'm not mistaking you for someone else). You should be dealing with the reality of your R, not focusing on your guilt and seeing something in your boyfriend that was never there. It's normal to retreat to the safety of the R, but you will regret it. Grieve the A, be realistic about your R.

Hmm. you're probably right. It is also difficult to also have to be dealing with my relationship back at home. I'm trying to distance myself a bit from my fiancee to not fall into the trap of wanting to stay with him because I'm vulnerable now.

 

I have mentioned before that I wanted to break up (without telling him about the affair) and he's been trying harder to keep me. Being more attentive, etc. The guilt also stems from the fact that he is trying so hard to be sweet to me. It does tear me up knowing he is being sweet to me when I haven't been that with him.

 

In the past, we had a lot of issues. I guess I have to try to break it to him that I need a break and see if I can get past these feelings of the exMM. Right now, I don't think i'm at a good place to make a decision with my bf. I'm just such a coward to admit to him about the affair and I don't really have an excuse to break an almost 7 year relationship with him..

[RickFox]

I can say that Im still working on forgiving myself for cheating. Yes I went into it knowing it was wrong, I own that, but I've beat myself up over the pain I've caused and I can't move forward if I don't forgive myself, but that's for me.

 

How long does it take? As long as it takes. I can say there are days Im still not over my xmw, then again, those are the days where I find myself at home alone for prolonged periods and when I immerse myself in something else, I tend to move forward. The perceived emotional connection will always hold you to that person somewhat, but it's up to you in the end how long you want to sit around and pine away for someone that's toxic.

[Ladydrib]

. But now the hard part is trying to get over the feelings of missing my affair partner and of the bad ramifications of cheating. This is including these images in my head of my ex affair partner and I making love, feelings of tremendous remorse, and feeling like I can't forgive myself for what happened.

 

Sending our last emails was hard enough but now I am still torn about the guilt I feel. I will never have an affair again because of the pain I feel from the guilt and missing the affair partner. I also feel guilty for missing the affair partner so much and for thinking about the good times with him. How long until those images started to fade from your head? And how long did it take for you to forgive yourself for cheating?

 

For me the guilt is sickening. It's like this layer of tarnish and filthy grime I'll never be able to wash away. The pain of loss was bad too, but I find that the loss fades and heals itself, whereas it feels as if I'll never rid myself of the guilt. I'm working on a way to forgive myself. And I pray I never do anything so against who I am, ever again. I never thought I would once though, so that creates a serious trust issue within myself. If I could trust myself, I might be able to forgive myself. But how? Because I would have bet my life I would have never been in an affair in the first place. Deep sigh.

[woinlove]

For me the guilt is sickening. It's like this layer of tarnish and filthy grime I'll never be able to wash away. The pain of loss was bad too, but I find that the loss fades and heals itself, whereas it feels as if I'll never rid myself of the guilt. I'm working on a way to forgive myself. And I pray I never do anything so against who I am, ever again. I never thought I would once though, so that creates a serious trust issue within myself. If I could trust myself, I might be able to forgive myself. But how? Because I would have bet my life I would have never been in an affair in the first place. Deep sigh.

 

I think you touch on a very important point -- trusting yourself and having confidence that you will make better choices now and in the future. I have that confidence and I have completely forgiven myself. My advice would be to move the focus away from forgiving yourself to working on trusting yourself and having confidence in your values and that you will respect them and make good choices for yourself. I really think that is the key. Part of this is understanding why you made the choices you did. For me I know it was selfishness and a lack of connection to others beyond my close inner circle. For you and others, it may be different.

 

I do think it is so important to forgive yourself, which is connected to both loving and trusting yourself. I hope everyone finds that for themselves.

[s1421]

 

How long does it take? As long as it takes. I can say there are days Im still not over my xmw, then again, those are the days where I find myself at home alone for prolonged periods and when I immerse myself in something else, I tend to move forward. The perceived emotional connection will always hold you to that person somewhat, but it's up to you in the end how long you want to sit around and pine away for someone that's toxic.

I'm trying harder than ever to try to keep myself busy. It has been a distraction for now. How long has it been for you since you've last seen or talked to the xmw?

 

For me the guilt is sickening. It's like this layer of tarnish and filthy grime I'll never be able to wash away. The pain of loss was bad too, but I find that the loss fades and heals itself, whereas it feels as if I'll never rid myself of the guilt. I'm working on a way to forgive myself. And I pray I never do anything so against who I am, ever again. I never thought I would once though, so that creates a serious trust issue within myself. If I could trust myself, I might be able to forgive myself. But how? Because I would have bet my life I would have never been in an affair in the first place. Deep sigh.

Gosh. I never thought I would cheat as well. I've been super loyal to him all these years. Never flirting with guys even at work, etc. But I guess I hit a point where I was getting cold feet about the marriage, worrying that I'm missing out on my youth since I'm only in my 20s, and found another man. I also don't see myself the same as I used to.

 

Part of what is holding me back from breaking up with my fiancee is that I trust that he is loyal. If I myself have cheated, how far of a stretch would it be to assume my next SO would cheat as well?

 

Also, have you guys told your spouses or SO's that you've cheated? This is a big issue for me as well.

[woinlove]

 

Also, have you guys told your spouses or SO's that you've cheated? This is a big issue for me as well.

 

I was an OW, but yes, that came out and the BW knew. I think it would be difficult to forgive oneself while still hiding the A from one's SO or spouse. Maybe it is different for you - but I don't think I could do that.

[s1421]

I think you touch on a very important point -- trusting yourself and having confidence that you will make better choices now and in the future. I have that confidence and I have completely forgiven myself. My advice would be to move the focus away from forgiving yourself to working on trusting yourself and having confidence in your values and that you will respect them and make good choices for yourself. I really think that is the key. Part of this is understanding why you made the choices you did. For me I know it was selfishness and a lack of connection to others beyond my close inner circle. For you and others, it may be different.

 

I do think it is so important to forgive yourself, which is connected to both loving and trusting yourself. I hope everyone finds that for themselves.

 

That is great advice to live by. I haven't really seen it in that light. I think in moving forward with my relationship with my fiancee, if I do decide to break it up with him, I hope that I will try to focus more on making good choices for myself. The guilt factor does come with doing something good for myself vs. breaking my fiancee's heart. That is something I need to work on...

[s1421]

I was an OW, but yes, that came out and the BW knew. I think it would be difficult to forgive oneself while still hiding the A from one's SO or spouse. Maybe it is different for you - but I don't think I could do that.

 

Yes. I find it harder and harder each day to keep it inside. It may come a day when I have to finally say it..

[Ladydrib]

Also, have you guys told your spouses or SO's that you've cheated? This is a big issue for me as well.

 

I don't intended to ever tell him and I hope he never finds out, even if we are not together. I don't know what purpose it would serve other than to hurt him. I believe he would be happier not knowing.

 

As for you, you need to figure this out. It only gets harder to leave as you build more ties and spend more years of your life together. If you have been like this (not sure if you want yo marry him or not) for a long time, why don't you break up with him, live on your own and do NOT date anyone, single or married. Use the time apart to answer your questions. If you find that you love him, trust in your relationship with him, get married (if he's still wanting too) and never doubt your love for him again. Or maybe when you take that break, you'll find that breaking up forever is the right thing. But either way, you can't live like this. Trust me. Being on the fence forever is a waste of your life, his life, and it's a constant affair waiting to ambush you when you're least expecting it.

[s1421]

Well of course what is keeping me back from telling him is that it is going to break his heart and I'm far too vulnerable right now to deal with that pain as well. I'm trying to work over a script in my head to bring up having a break. He thinks things are completely fine and is very happy with me. So he's going to want an explanation of course. I'm only considering telling him because I keep I've been unfair to him and just want to start over and be honest with everything. No matter the cost. I have dishonest for too long. That is why I'm thinking of telling him...

 

Yes I am afraid of being alone since I haven't been single for a long time obviously. I'm going to have to resist the urge of trying to date if I do have a break with my bf. I obviously don't want to complicate things with another guy and break his heart if I'm still figuring out things with my fiancee.

 

Lady, how often would you say you still think about the good times with your exMM? how long has it been?

[ComingInHot]

There is a lot about your decisions I don't understand being on a different side of the triangle (BUT... I know, I know I LOVE MY BUTT) when I consider my husbands exOW, I think maybe if she could just come clean & then forgive herself, you know start fresh w/no secrets, then maybe she could begin healing, make the changes she needs to make, (let her hatred of me go*) so she can fully devote herself to whatever good things await her.

 

Sometimes until we forgive ourselves we can't truly move on. I know I've had to forgive myself for the same thing multiple times before I could really let it go.

 

Your sorrow, guilt & remorse has to lead you to someplace better, NOT someplace bitter. Give yourself that gift, maybe lots of different times*

 

I'm SO sorry you r hurting.*

[Ladydrib]

Yes I am afraid of being alone since I haven't been single for a long time obviously. I'm going to have to resist the urge of trying to date if I do have a break with my bf. I obviously don't want to complicate things with another guy and break his heart if I'm still figuring out things with my fiancee.

 

Lady, how often would you say you still think about the good times with your exMM? how long has it been?

 

Regarding staying single, just be strong. How will you know if you miss your fiancé if you get invloved with someone else? If you take time away from him, you owe it to yourself to be on your own for a while. Keep in mind, fear can really hold you back.

 

I try not to think of the good times we had because at this point in time the only way I could enjoy being with him is if I'm willing to continue an affair. I'm not willing to continue, so thinking about the good times will only hurt me and keep me from letting go and keep my heart from healing. Unfortunately he is often in the back of my mind. But I can control not thinking of him directly. I used to spend a lot of time, thinking of our time together, and that kept me stuck in the affair. It's only been a week since I cut off all contact. It is hard. But the alternative is no good either, so I just have a battle I must stay strong through until I get where I'm trying to go.

[whichwayisup]

. But I guess I hit a point where I was getting cold feet about the marriage, worrying that I'm missing out on my youth since I'm only in my 20s, and found another man. I also don't see myself the same as I used to.

 

maybe your boyfriend/fiancee feels the same way. You need to talk to him. he knows something is off...He isn't stupid.

 

Part of what is holding me back from breaking up with my fiancee is that I trust that he is loyal. If I myself have cheated, how far of a stretch would it be to assume my next SO would cheat as well?

 

All the more reason to tell him the truth and allow him to give you the chance to make it right again, to regain his trust and faith in you. It isn't right to go head and marry him without him knowing the truth. Why? Because the truth always has it's way of coming out .. Imagine marrying him, with 2 kids, 10 years from now and he finds out the truth. It'll be worse then than now.

 

If he chooses to end it, and end it, then so be it. It wasn't meant to be because of your cold feet and cheating on him before the I Do's even took place.

 

And, just because you cheated on him, doesn't mean the next guy will cheat on you. Therapy can help you see this.

 

Maybe you aren't ready to forgive yourself because you've not come clean with your fiancee. Seems you have more pain and more guilt for exMM and ending it with him.

[s1421]

maybe your boyfriend/fiancee feels the same way. You need to talk to him. he knows something is off...He isn't stupid.

 

 

 

All the more reason to tell him the truth and allow him to give you the chance to make it right again, to regain his trust and faith in you. It isn't right to go head and marry him without him knowing the truth. Why? Because the truth always has it's way of coming out .. Imagine marrying him, with 2 kids, 10 years from now and he finds out the truth. It'll be worse then than now.

 

If he chooses to end it, and end it, then so be it. It wasn't meant to be because of your cold feet and cheating on him before the I Do's even took place.

 

And, just because you cheated on him, doesn't mean the next guy will cheat on you. Therapy can help you see this.

 

Maybe you aren't ready to forgive yourself because you've not come clean with your fiancee. Seems you have more pain and more guilt for exMM and ending it with him.

He is ready for marriage for sure. He wants kids as well. He isn't getting cold feet at all. Yes that is why I'm being hesitant about the marriage thing now too. It isn't fair to him. I wish I can work up the courage to say it all. I know he will be heartbroken.

[veryhappy]

I'm sorry, but you are not being rational. It makes no sense to marry and have kids with a man just to avoid breaking his heart.

 

Is this about him not being able to deal with a breakup, or is it about you not wanting to be the person causing the hearbreak?

 

Your R is not sustainable. You can go on for years, but it will blow up eventually, and you don't want that to happen after kids.

[Artie Lang]

i know this is the OM/OW side but there is nothing here about your bf's feelings, only those of the end of the affair.

 

you only feel bad about ending it(affair), not of the betrayal to your bf- WOW!

 

you go on to say that you will never endeavor into such a relationship again because of the pain in ending it and the residual feelings from such a relationship.

 

how about not getting into an affair because it's WRONG.....on so many different levels.

 

just an observation.

Edited October 3, 2012 by Artie Lang

[s1421]

I'm sorry, but you are not being rational. It makes no sense to marry and have kids with a man just to avoid breaking his heart.

 

Is this about him not being able to deal with a breakup, or is it about you not wanting to be the person causing the hearbreak?

 

Your R is not sustainable. You can go on for years, but it will blow up eventually, and you don't want that to happen after kids.

I know it isn't right. It has more to do with him not being to deal with the breakup. He's the type who thinks he is getting too old to have kids (although he is only in his early 30s), and has strong feelings of loneliness even before me. I was so worried that he may even take his life if I left. I since talked to him about it and he said although he may talk about it, he never will. I disappointed him indirectly and am just so scared of disappointing him by breaking up with him.

 

i know this is the OM/OW side but there is nothing here about your bf's feelings, only those of the end of the affair.

 

you only feel bad about ending it(affair), not of the betrayal to your bf- WOW!

 

you go on to say that you will never endeavor into such a relationship again because of the pain in ending it and the residual feelings from such a relationship.

 

how about not getting into an affair because it's WRONG.....on so many different levels.

 

just an observation.

I am truly ashamed of my actions. Maybe I have not made myself clear but I also do feel tremendous remorse because I had an affair in the first place. I can't believe I actually went through with the affair. It was wrong and I completely realize that. What is really pushing me to want to breakup is because I feel I haven't been fair to my boyfriend and thinks he deserves better, especially with me feeling doubt. Yes, part of the pain of the affair was ending it, but as I have said, I feel guilty for even missing the guy when I am with my fiancee. It has been a hard time to not feel low for having the affair. .

[Artie Lang]

but that's the thing. you feel bad about ending it, NOT about your bf's feelings. you feel ashamed at what you've done, NOT what you've done to him(bf). see what i'm getting at?

 

i've read your other threads. clearly, you are not in love with your current bf. you've given so many reason as to why you should end it, but feel a false sense of loyalty to him. honey, YOU ARE NOT LOYAL! that loyalty you speak of went out the window the minute you started entertaining an illicit affair.

 

you want to make amends? start by being honest.....with yourself and with your bf.

Edited October 3, 2012 by Artie Lang

[s1421]

I'm ashamed of having an affair not only because it was the wrong thing to do but because I know I indirectly hurt my bf. I'm only ashamed of what I've done because I wish I didn't do this to my boyfriend. Especially since lately he has been trying to patch things up in our relationship. It is really eating me inside. I look at my boyfriend everyday, and I tear up feeling so bad that although he loves me, that I would cheat on him.

 

Every time he's nice to me, I want to cry thinking I don't deserve him. Every time he mentions he wants me marry me, I instantly cry because I know that I'm not deserving of it. So it isn't just about me feeling bad that I had an affair, but that I hurt him. I know I'm not loyal but what this affair has taught me was that I have been justifying the affair for a long time, but I have done no better. There has been underlying issues with our relationship prior to this but I am trying to work up the courage to tell him.

[Artie Lang]

if I may ask, do you think he suspects something?

[veryhappy]

You need to find out why you fear disappointing people so much, and how to deal with it. Your fiance told you he's not going to commit suicide, but you're still stubborn to stay there because you don't want to disappoint him. That's a big issue.

 

It's normal to be overwhelmed by guilt, but there's no point in putting the A on him. If you'd be breaking up, it would be so unnecessary.

[frozensprouts]

it sounds like you're mixing up all the factors here into one big mess that seems impossible to get out of...

 

try looking at each facet on it's own ( at least for now...when you feel a bit better and are ready, you can dig deeper)

 

you cheated on your boyfriend/fiance...why? was it because you were running from something ? maybe , on some level, you know staying with him isn't right for you, or you are feeling overwhelmed, etc., so you , in essence, found an escape ( if only temporary) by having an affair?

 

it seems like you could bennifit from some "real life" talking with a friend, relative, or counselor about all of this...figure out where you end up if you keep on the path you are on, and decide if that's really where you want to be. If it isn't, then try and figure out the things you need to do that will get you there.

 

best of luck to you

[AnotherRound]

I'm a firm believer that we are hardest on ourselves, and that until we can forgive ourselves and love ourselves - with all of our flaws and mistakes - we can never truly heal or grow.

 

You made a mistake - nothing more, nothing less. I understand that you feel badly, and that's a normal reaction when someone is hurt by your actions. However, your mistake does not make you obligated to stay with someone that you don't want to be with. It just doesn't. One mistake doesn't make you a horrible person, or a bad person, or an evil person - it makes you HUMAN. And guess what? We ALL are. And there is not a single person in this world, or these forums, who has not made a mistake and hurt someone at some point in time. It's inevitable, no matter how hard we try - it happens.

 

I would suggest IC for you also so that you can work on figuring out 1. Why you would stay in a relationship that you don't want or like simply to avoid being single - that sounds like codependency to me, but could be something else. 2. Why you feel obligated to people simply bc they love you - most of us will have several people love us in our lifetimes, and we cannot be expected to always return that love - it's just not realistic. and 3. Why your guilt for one mistake is rendering you so unable to function - and where that comes from.

 

I don't know if you should tell him about the affair or not, I'm mixed on that one. If you are going to leave (which from where I am, it sounds like you "should", but I'm hesitant to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do as there are certainly variables that I'm unaware of), then I would say leave - make a clean break, no revealing the affair (what good would it do, as it seems like an exit affair to me), and work on you and your stuff. If you are going to stay, and marry and have children (I do have to say, I think that's a really bad idea at this point, but that's just my opinion from what I know here), then I think you HAVE to tell him about the affair so that he can make an informed decision on where he wants to go with you from here.

 

If you tell him, you may not have to make any decision, as he may make it for you. And maybe that's what you want? I mean, since you don't want to break his heart, maybe you think it will be better if he ends it and not you? I don't know... I am sorry you are struggling so much, but too much guilt is not psychologically healthy - it's just anger turned on yourself and just like anger, it is a non-conducive emotion - a secondary emotion.

 

Good luck... I hope that you find some peace soon, as I'm sure it's a miserable place to be.