Forgiving yourself for cheating. It has been so hard for me to do

[woinlove]

I don't use the term redemption, but what you, RHD, describe sounds like it connects to my view of not focussing on forgiving, but on becoming the person you want to be and having confidence that you can honor your values. Depending on the length of the A, one may have spent weeks, months, in some cases, years, being dishonest and treating others poorly. One can't move on from that as one can move on from a mistake that may have lasted only moments in time and which one then wanted to correct. It takes considerable time and effort to really change into the person you want to be, if you want to behave differently than you did during the A. However, it is possible and well worth it, IMO.

[s1421]

Sorry it's been a while since I updated. But recently, I caved and told him the truth. I told him what I did and why I thought I did it. I have been feeling so remorseful of what I've done and really felt I didn't deserve him.

 

We took a short break and within a couple days, he contacted me to tell me he wants to work things out. He didn't want to waste the time and love we've put into the relationship. I felt humbled, and felt undeserving of forgiveness. My first thought was that he deserves better than me. But despite which, I was wondering if we can still truly work on our differences.

 

That is, until I started to wonder why he would accept me back so quickly. It didn't seem like him to forgive me this suddenly. One night while I was asleep next to him, I woke up and noticed him chatting on facebook with one of his exes. I knew he would sometimes talk to her but trusted him. He had told me months before that this ex had desperately tried to get back together with him but he told her no. I accepted that and felt that by him telling me this, he really did try to cut her ties to him emotionally.

 

But then, I got suspicious when I saw it again one day. A facebook chat popped up on his computer with the ex calling him "sweety". So I logged into his facebook (first time doing so. His password was the same for the one on his personal website). There I discovered, he kept all the message history of all these girls he's been flirting with. Asking at least 4 of his exes for nude pics, web chat sessions, calling them, and even asking to meet with at least 2 of them.

 

I know for certain by the messages that he has met at least two of them and definitely slept with at least one on and off. This one particular ex says she still loves him and my fiance has even gone as far as buying gifts for her, including sex toys. He even went as far to say he wishes that he stayed with her. He had at least two confirmed sexual encounters (it could have been more) with her when we both went to different cities for the holidays. What also worries me is its been happening for years, them flirting on and off. His parents live in the same city as this girl, so who knows how many times they've seen each other. Maybe every time he goes back (at least twice a year).

 

Also, after I admitted my affair to him, I found out he was still trying to chat sexually with his exes. I know what I did was not any better. But I can't help feeling hurt that he doesn't seem to be moved by me admitting my guilt and affair to him. Did he see it as a pass to cheat? Maybe he felt better that he was not the only one cheating? It also hurt that its been happening for years and that I had tried to so hard to work on our sex life prior to my own affair.

 

I just found this out today, and will confront him when he comes home tonight. I'll update soon. I am pretty much certain we will break up. It has become such a strained relationship. Am I going to have to worry that every time I have to leave out of town, he will stray? So it is pretty much certain what is going to happen to us. But I'll have to see what he has to say...

[veryhappy]

Such a silver lining. He wasn't suicidal, he was just performing on other women.

 

I hope it won't cross your mind to stay in this R.

[s1421]

Such a silver lining. He wasn't suicidal, he was just performing on other women.

 

I hope it won't cross your mind to stay in this R.

 

Well, the good thing that has come from this is that I'm not going crazy of whether or not I should stay with him. I guess all there is now is trying to move out and learn from this mess of a relationship.

[nofool4u]

Forgiving yourself for cheating. It has been so hard for me to do

 

You haven't told your boyfriend. He doesn't have the information he deserves to have about the person to whom he is committed.

 

Therefore forgiving yourself really is all about getting away with what you did.

 

Come clean with your boyfriend if you have any respect left for him. THEN forgive yourself.

[firstandlast]

I'm sorry, but you are not being rational. It makes no sense to marry and have kids with a man just to avoid breaking his heart.

 

Is this about him not being able to deal with a breakup, or is it about you not wanting to be the person causing the hearbreak?

 

Your R is not sustainable. You can go on for years, but it will blow up eventually, and you don't want that to happen after kids.

 

Totally agree. If you have cold feet, now is the time to work it out, not after you've been married five years with kids. If you're worried about being alone -- trust me, you're young and will find someone more suitable.

[firstandlast]

I'm a firm believer that we are hardest on ourselves, and that until we can forgive ourselves and love ourselves - with all of our flaws and mistakes - we can never truly heal or grow.

 

You made a mistake - nothing more, nothing less. I understand that you feel badly, and that's a normal reaction when someone is hurt by your actions. However, your mistake does not make you obligated to stay with someone that you don't want to be with. It just doesn't. One mistake doesn't make you a horrible person, or a bad person, or an evil person - it makes you HUMAN. And guess what? We ALL are. And there is not a single person in this world, or these forums, who has not made a mistake and hurt someone at some point in time. It's inevitable, no matter how hard we try - it happens.

 

I would suggest IC for you also so that you can work on figuring out 1. Why you would stay in a relationship that you don't want or like simply to avoid being single - that sounds like codependency to me, but could be something else. 2. Why you feel obligated to people simply bc they love you - most of us will have several people love us in our lifetimes, and we cannot be expected to always return that love - it's just not realistic. and 3. Why your guilt for one mistake is rendering you so unable to function - and where that comes from.

 

I don't know if you should tell him about the affair or not, I'm mixed on that one. If you are going to leave (which from where I am, it sounds like you "should", but I'm hesitant to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do as there are certainly variables that I'm unaware of), then I would say leave - make a clean break, no revealing the affair (what good would it do, as it seems like an exit affair to me), and work on you and your stuff. If you are going to stay, and marry and have children (I do have to say, I think that's a really bad idea at this point, but that's just my opinion from what I know here), then I think you HAVE to tell him about the affair so that he can make an informed decision on where he wants to go with you from here.

 

If you tell him, you may not have to make any decision, as he may make it for you. And maybe that's what you want? I mean, since you don't want to break his heart, maybe you think it will be better if he ends it and not you? I don't know... I am sorry you are struggling so much, but too much guilt is not psychologically healthy - it's just anger turned on yourself and just like anger, it is a non-conducive emotion - a secondary emotion.

 

Good luck... I hope that you find some peace soon, as I'm sure it's a miserable place to be.

 

I know i'm going to get some serious blowback here, but what about those of us who don't feel guilty enough? An affair of mine just ended and I feel almost no guilt for what it has done to my wife (who was devastated by what little she's discovered about it) -- if anything, I feel guiltier for what the affair did to my affair partner's marriage. I feel like some kind of psychopath -- and guilty for not feeling guiltier.

[woinlove]

I know i'm going to get some serious blowback here, but what about those of us who don't feel guilty enough? An affair of mine just ended and I feel almost no guilt for what it has done to my wife (who was devastated by what little she's discovered about it) -- if anything, I feel guiltier for what the affair did to my affair partner's marriage. I feel like some kind of psychopath -- and guilty for not feeling guiltier.

 

I think it is part of being human and feeling a connection to others that makes people feel bad when their actions have caused pain to another, as well as when their behavior falls short of what they want for themselves (for those who value honesty and treating others well). During the A, denial, rationalization and justification can be strong so as not to deal with these bad feelings. Perhaps you have justified your actions with respect to your W, disconnected from her to allow you to behave that way, and, if so, it can take a long time to allow yourself to deal with the feelings you have suppressed. IC can help. Even if your W behaved poorly previously, it will still be of benefit to you to see the choices you had in your own behavior and whether cheating is how you want to behave.

 

Of course, some people just aren't very connected to others and have limited empathy. They may change as they experience more of life and learn more about themselves, but some do not. Again IC can make a difference here too.

 

Part of forgiving oneself is acknowledging one's actions and their consequences, who they affected, and why one behaved that way, by stripping away the denials, rationalizations. If you don't go through this, I think you still carry it around with you and it likely limits your capacity to love yourself.

[firstandlast]

I think it is part of being human and feeling a connection to others that makes people feel bad when their actions have caused pain to another, as well as when their behavior falls short of what they want for themselves (for those who value honesty and treating others well). During the A, denial, rationalization and justification can be strong so as not to deal with these bad feelings. Perhaps you have justified your actions with respect to your W, disconnected from her to allow you to behave that way, and, if so, it can take a long time to allow yourself to deal with the feelings you have suppressed. IC can help. Even if your W behaved poorly previously, it will still be of benefit to you to see the choices you had in your own behavior and whether cheating is how you want to behave.

 

Of course, some people just aren't very connected to others and have limited empathy. They may change as they experience more of life and learn more about themselves, but some do not. Again IC can make a difference here too.

 

Part of forgiving oneself is acknowledging one's actions and their consequences, who they affected, and why one behaved that way, by stripping away the denials, rationalizations. If you don't go through this, I think you still carry it around with you and it likely limits your capacity to love yourself.

 

This makes sense. I've signed up for IC, which starts in a couple of weeks.