Here we go again

[Mount]

I am not going to dispute yours, but in my opinion, the real back-up for the MM's wording of love is that the MM leaves marriage and then choose you solely. All other excuses, i.e. money, kids, friend networking, work impact...are just crap.

 

Possibly in some situations yes, but mine backs his up so I can't really relate to that. I am sorry you are hurting... I hope you feel better.

[Mount]

It all happened on Tuesday - because I asked him to leave marriage, or at least give me the timeline. He couldn't so I am angry. And now I do want to end the A with him, meanwhile I want him to suffer as well.

 

 

So if you feel that way, then you should stop interacting with him. Period. I may be mixing you up with someone else, I don't think I am, but aren't you trying to stay working together or friends?

I think a number of people told you that is going to make it harder. What can we do to help you feel better? How can we help you today?

[TaraMaiden]

You know what they say about revenge:

it's a dish best served cold.

Or, to put it another way;

The best form of revenge is to live life well..

Revenge being served cold is to let the heat out of the situation. Let it sit for a while, and sit on it.

In the meantime, go NC and live your life.

[Mount]

I will go NC but meantime I would like to see him suffering as well (and yes that would make me happy), for the price that he has taken advantage of me for 4 months.

 

But again, think this way, NC is exactly what MM wants, when they don't want to deal with you, they hope you will NC with them...

 

 

You know what they say about revenge:

it's a dish best served cold.

Or, to put it another way;

The best form of revenge is to live life well..

Revenge being served cold is to let the heat out of the situation. Let it sit for a while, and sit on it.

In the meantime, go NC and live your life.

Edited October 5, 2012 by Mount

[stillafool]

Go for what? I don't understand your answer.

 

What I meant is that I don't like the fact that I am feeling hurt, angry whilst the MM probably is not, so I want the MM feeling very bad as well, although it is just my one-side wish.

 

I think what you mean is you want him to suffer in missing you the way you miss him. It should be clear to you how he feels by now. If he felt as you do he would leave his wife and be with you. Please strengthen yourself and do what you must do for you.

[Owl]

Here's my thought...do you want to hurt him, or do you want to get over and heal from what all of this has done to you?

 

If you want to heal, if you want to let yourself start to "get over it"...then NC is your answer.

 

If your goal is to make his life a living hell for "taking advantage of you"...then the cost of that goal is going to be to continue to live in that same hell until you're done.

 

From my perspective...if you want the affair to end...then remove him from your life. Whether or not you think that's what he wants, or that he "gets away with it" because you go NC...is irrelevent. If you want to heal, you remove the source of the pain.

 

You make him no longer relevent to your life. You no longer care about him...positively or negatively...he just doesn't matter anymore.

 

THAT is the best revenge, and your best course of action.

[Mount]

Hi OWL, I want both as following bolded. Just like MM, I am selfish too, no one should have taken advantage of me.

 

Here's my thought...do you want to hurt him, or do you want to get over and heal from what all of this has done to you?

 

If you want to heal, if you want to let yourself start to "get over it"...then NC is your answer.

 

If your goal is to make his life a living hell for "taking advantage of you"...then the cost of that goal is going to be to continue to live in that same hell until you're done.

 

From my perspective...if you want the affair to end...then remove him from your life. Whether or not you think that's what he wants, or that he "gets away with it" because you go NC...is irrelevent. If you want to heal, you remove the source of the pain.

 

You make him no longer relevent to your life. You no longer care about him...positively or negatively...he just doesn't matter anymore.

 

THAT is the best revenge, and your best course of action.

[Owl]

Hi OWL, I want both as following bolded. Just like MM, I am selfish too, no one should have taken advantage of me.

 

Fair enough...but like MM...you may WANT both, but you can't HAVE both.

 

Like him...you face a decision.

[2sunny]

I will go NC but meantime I would like to see him suffering as well (and yes that would make me happy), for the price that he has taken advantage of me for 4 months.

 

But again, think this way, NC is exactly what MM wants, when they don't want to deal with you, they hope you will NC with them...

 

Just think how you'll feel in 4 years! That's what this will be if YOU aren't taking action to end it.

 

He's not going to end it - that is up to you!

 

He's got both - he has no reason to end it unless you keep making more demands that he's not going to do.

[2sunny]

Hi OWL, I want both as following bolded. Just like MM, I am selfish too, no one should have taken advantage of me.

 

You ALLOWED him to take advantage - that's on YOU - not him.

 

Stop ALLOWING it!

[veryhappy]

Mount, I'm with you on wanting to see him suffer. The problem is you may not get that, it at least you won't be told about it. I also found that any apologies for how he's hurt me came laced with how he loved her, and how be felt remorse for what he's done to her, and how he can't leave the life, so instead of me feeling oh so great for him suffering because I was suffering, I ended up even more furious because the stuff be was saying, probably as an excuse. Just because it was an excuse to him, it doesn't mean it's an excuse to me.

 

He'll very likely suffer in some way. People don't like giving up what they think they own. If you take yourself out of the equation, he'll perceive some loss.

 

In my case, I think my exMM still thinks he's in the process of making a choice, so he's focused on what he'd lose on the family side and had little regard for my feelings. As far as I'm concerned he made his choice, and when he'll realize it himself, that that was it, and he's really definitely not going anywhere and he lost me, I expect things to flip and him to be overwhelmed by remorse and all that stuff regarding me. I strongly hope that by that time I will care much less than I do now.

[whichwayisup]

LFH - Being vindictive person is not good, I know that.

 

If you think this way, the fact is that, those MMs are "saying" they love you, or whatever, but in fact what they are doing is the opposite. Their sweet talking is only to get what they want, although the OWs allow them doing so.

 

Net, the question is that, how geniune the "love", the love from OW is probably more true than the love from the MM.

 

Mount, he may love you, a lot..But, he loves himself more.

 

The thing is, I'm sure when you first started the A, that's all it was. Over time it grew and you fell deeper for him. He may have told you things to make you feel more invested and hopeful that 'one day we'll be together' but in the back of his head he knew (just like many other MM) there would NOT be a 'one day' but saying it made you feel good and made you happy. For screwed up reasons, selfish reasons - MM, yours included just say stuff during the heat of the moment. Maybe in those moments it is meant but there's no follow through, no promises..

 

He is just about your everything, but you aren't his everything.

 

This is just part of the parcel when it comes to 'some' affairs. OW invest more than a MM. MM has his own life built with someone else, so what he invests isn't what an OW needs, expects, desires, deserves.

 

BE PISSED at him, hurt and angry...Use that to fuel your pride and ego so you can end it once and for all. Rise above it all and tell yourself you're better off without him. You are though, believe that!! Even if right now you can't see that.

[Mount]

Hi WWI, and LadyGrey, up to today it has been a bit over 4 months I am in this A. Honestly, not to say love, true love, or whatever, I really feel that Affair is kind of addiction though.

 

It will need strength, yes, realy strength to pull myself out. Help...

 

Mount, he may love you, a lot..But, he loves himself more.

 

The thing is, I'm sure when you first started the A, that's all it was. Over time it grew and you fell deeper for him. He may have told you things to make you feel more invested and hopeful that 'one day we'll be together' but in the back of his head he knew (just like many other MM) there would NOT be a 'one day' but saying it made you feel good and made you happy. For screwed up reasons, selfish reasons - MM, yours included just say stuff during the heat of the moment. Maybe in those moments it is meant but there's no follow through, no promises..

 

He is just about your everything, but you aren't his everything.

 

This is just part of the parcel when it comes to 'some' affairs. OW invest more than a MM. MM has his own life built with someone else, so what he invests isn't what an OW needs, expects, desires, deserves.

 

BE PISSED at him, hurt and angry...Use that to fuel your pride and ego so you can end it once and for all. Rise above it all and tell yourself you're better off without him. You are though, believe that!! Even if right now you can't see that.

[Mount]

Hi Hockyfan:rolleyes:, interestingly, the MM did say following bolded part. He never says he does not love his wife, but he just says the love is like me loving my parents - family member kind. No, I won't be those OWs for years, 4 months and now the holiday seasons are coming, it is already tearing me apart. I don't know how long I can take anymore, but as I said I need strength to get me out of the emotion addiction.

 

 

Mount, he doesn't want you to be angry so you don't tell his wife, his friends, etc.

 

You most likely will not get him to end his marriage. He enjoys having a wife and a mistress....you are allowing him to be happy and content.

 

YOU do have a say so in your life, and in your future. Stop giving him YOUR power. Stop letting HIM decide for you.

 

Take a stand. If he loves you, he will end his marriage. He will respect you enough to not feel hurt. If he loves you, he would stop playing this game with you. If he loves you, he would tell you "Mount, I have some things to take care of at home. I need time to handle this in my way. I am not asking you to wait for me...I don't have a timeline on when or IF I can do this. I love you enough to let you go and let you find someone who can give you their FULL attention and you deserve nothing less than having someone committed ONLY to you. IF I ever get divorced, I'll call you. Don't wait for me..I may never divorce. I wish you the best and thank you for caring about me".

 

Seriously. If any MM respects a woman (whether it is a wife or a mistress), they would NOT do the fence sitting, the "I love you, not her" baloney and would NEVER EVER put her in a position of being a hidden secret or a drive by lover. Seriously. Would you ever tolerate any other man going home to someone else? Would you tolerate him going on vacation with someone else? Would you tolerate them sleeping next to someone else? I would hope your answer would be no.

 

Sure there are plenty of OW who are happy to be just that - the OTHER woman. Wouldn't you rather be THE woman?

 

Make your decision and follow through...one way or the other.

[whichwayisup]

So you're addicted to how he makes you feel, addicted to high's and low's of this affair. It isn't love, at least love that healthy and long lasting, growing. It's a selfish love that is hidden and damaging. You know this.

 

Again, I mention fear of pain..The finality of it. Let that go! You're in pain now, constantly and yes, with the holiday seasons coming up, he won't be around you much, talking to you. He'll be focussed on his family during the up coming months. NOW is the time to MAKE yourself detach. Rely on him less, think of him less and get busy. As time goes on and you detach from him, make less effort to see/contact him, it'll be easier for you to just end it and tell him to please respect your wishes and never to call again.

 

He isn't ever going to divorce. He says IF - But that's like 99.9 percent IF. Not gonna happen.

 

Ball is in your court. I hope you just put the ball down and walk away.

[Mount]

I have not completely broken up with him yet, bascially last Friday I took him back a bit.

 

Meantime I am hoping myself being able to detach bit by bit, babystep.

 

 

So you're addicted to how he makes you feel, addicted to high's and low's of this affair. It isn't love, at least love that healthy and long lasting, growing. It's a selfish love that is hidden and damaging. You know this.

 

Again, I mention fear of pain..The finality of it. Let that go! You're in pain now, constantly and yes, with the holiday seasons coming up, he won't be around you much, talking to you. He'll be focussed on his family during the up coming months. NOW is the time to MAKE yourself detach. Rely on him less, think of him less and get busy. As time goes on and you detach from him, make less effort to see/contact him, it'll be easier for you to just end it and tell him to please respect your wishes and never to call again.

 

He isn't ever going to divorce. He says IF - But that's like 99.9 percent IF. Not gonna happen.

 

Ball is in your court. I hope you just put the ball down and walk away.

[2sunny]

I have not completely broken up with him yet, bascially last Friday I took him back a bit.

 

Meantime I am hoping myself being able to detach bit by bit, babystep.

 

That's like being a little bit pregnant! It not possible.

 

YOU are allowing it every time you engage in ANY communication with him.

 

Stop ALLOWING it!

 

4 months - you could potentially be looking at the same scenario 10 years from now unless YOU do something to stop him from contacting you.

 

He will always come sniffing around - its up to YOU to say "no more!"

[Mount]

I know it is a hard thing to do, but he is still a very good friend of mine in this world - and yes I don't have too many good friends at the city I live right now.

 

Having said that, I mean to detach bit a bit, starting from no physical, and less communication...Then will see where it is heading for.

 

But "2sunny", thanks for your post though:bunny:

 

That's like being a little bit pregnant! It not possible.

 

YOU are allowing it every time you engage in ANY communication with him.

 

Stop ALLOWING it!

 

4 months - you could potentially be looking at the same scenario 10 years from now unless YOU do something to stop him from contacting you.

 

He will always come sniffing around - its up to YOU to say "no more!"

Edited October 8, 2012 by Mount

[Owl]

I know it is a hard thing to do, but he is still a very good friend of mine in this world - and yes I don't have too many good friends at the city I live right now.

 

Having said that, I mean to detach bit a bit, starting from no physical, and less communication...Then will see where it is heading for.

 

But "2sunny", thanks for your post though:bunny:

 

Then realizing that you're deliberately choosing to make this harder and longer for you to deal with.

 

That's ok...it's your call. But at the end of the day, what you're doing is simply prolonging your pain.

[Mount]

I know.... but I can't leave my work, especially in this economy. I guess you are trying to say is that I am in the course of self-destruction.

 

Then realizing that you're deliberately choosing to make this harder and longer for you to deal with.

 

That's ok...it's your call. But at the end of the day, what you're doing is simply prolonging your pain.

[Owl]

I know.... but I can't leave my work, especially in this economy. I guess you are trying to say is that I am in the course of self-destruction.

 

To a degree, I am.

 

And I'm not saying this with any intent to hurt you whatsoever...really.

 

I say it because I don't see your path leading you to the outcome you seek without taking you through a lot more pain and suffering...and frankly, I honestly would love to see you come through this WITHOUT that additional pain and suffering.

 

Think of it as removing the wax strip when you're getting hair removed from your legs. If you do it slowly, over time, pulling each individual hair and stretching the skin out...over the course of a half hour....you end up hurting a lot more than simply yanking that sucker off with force and gusto.

 

Regardless of your path...I wish you the best.

[Mount]

Owl, I never doubt your intention being postive and offering help, and I do appreicate a lot.

 

Back to me, the reality is that, (I feel like) I am STUCK now. Just Stuck.

 

 

 

To a degree, I am.

 

And I'm not saying this with any intent to hurt you whatsoever...really.

 

I say it because I don't see your path leading you to the outcome you seek without taking you through a lot more pain and suffering...and frankly, I honestly would love to see you come through this WITHOUT that additional pain and suffering.

 

Think of it as removing the wax strip when you're getting hair removed from your legs. If you do it slowly, over time, pulling each individual hair and stretching the skin out...over the course of a half hour....you end up hurting a lot more than simply yanking that sucker off with force and gusto.

 

Regardless of your path...I wish you the best.

[Owl]

Owl, I never doubt your intention being postive and offering help, and I do appreicate a lot.

 

Back to me, the reality is that, (I feel like) I am STUCK now. Just Stuck.

 

 

Even YOU note that you FEEL LIKE you're stuck.

 

There's a key difference between "feel like" and really being stuck.

 

In truth...there probably are things you can do to ensure NC. The truth is...you're not hurting bad enough to truly make you want to go NC yet.

 

You'll either reach that point once the pain continues and worsens...or you'll resume the affair.

 

The choice always has been, and still is...yours.

 

You are where you've CHOSEN to be. You'll remain there until you CHOOSE to change the situation.

 

Simple human nature is what it boils down to. It's hard to make that kind of choice...but even not changing anything is still a choice.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to say it, Mount, but Owl's right.

 

What is it you can't let go of - and why?

 

What does it feed in you?

What's your payoff?

 

You know - you've admitted yourself - that this is toxic.

What's your poison, and why are you voluntarily taking it?

[Mount]

Yes my brain tells me it is destructive, my minds can not stop thinking of him, because I have feeling for him.

 

I hate to say it, Mount, but Owl's right.

 

What is it you can't let go of - and why?

 

What does it feed in you?

What's your payoff?

 

You know - you've admitted yourself - that this is toxic.

What's your poison, and why are you voluntarily taking it?