GF boring in bed...

[guitarborder23]

Hey all,

 

I've been dating a girl for about 2 years long distance, so we only get to see each other around once a month (on weekends). When we do see each other, we typically only have sex once and we might do oral once or twice. The issue is that the sex is really, really mediocre at best. Because she hasn't had sex in about a month when we get together, it's always kind of painful for her and I have to go pretty slow so as not to hurt her. I always perform a significant amount of foreplay (15+ minutes), which helps, but because she's kind of soar, we almost always end up in missionary position or with her laying on her stomach on the bed and me on top of her because any other position is uncomfortable for her. She doesn't moan or really make any noise during sex, and she barely moves at all; it's basically just me on top thrusting until I orgasm. She doesn't cum vaginally, only through clitoral stimulation, so it feels like she's not enjoying it at all, even though she insists she is. I've tried lightly (and with lube) rubbing her clit while we have sex, hoping she'll get more enjoyment out of it, but she says it's "too much sensation" and she can't handle it and asks me to stop. When I suggest she rubs her own clit, or gets on top so she can control depth/speed/etc, she says it's too much sensation while I'm penetrating her and she won't do it. I tried to explain that her being in control (if she was on top) might alleviate some of the pain, but she doesn't have any interest at all in being on top. Our sex life basically consists of me warming her up, doing all the work during sex to get myself off during sex, then rubbing her clit or eating her out (after sex) until she orgasms. I feel like I'm just doing all the work, she's not really enjoying herself until the last part when I rub her clit to orgasm, and the whole situation is not much fun.

 

Even when I'm rubbing her clit to orgasm she basically doesn't make a sound until the actual moment of orgasm, which makes it hard for me to know what feels good to her. I've explained that I need her to tell me what feels good verbally or through body language, but she doesn't, and she just kind of shrugs and says "you're doing a good job, just keep doing what you're doing."

 

I've tried to get her more into our sex with roleplays and I've asked her numerous times if she has any fantasies and what she likes, but she usually just shruggs and says "not really." She has never once asked me what I like/want in bed. It's really frustrating because I can give her a lot of suggestions to make our sex life better (for both of us I think), but I want her to ask because I feel like I'll hurt her feelings if I just spit it all out. Moreover, I want her to be genuinely interested in what I like/want in bed, and I feel like she isn't.

 

All my partners in the past have been really aggressive and sexual and that's what I've come to expect/need. With the rare amount I get to see her, I want our sex to be outstanding when we have it. I feel like it's mediocre at best. I've talked to her a little bit about it, and suggested we talk dirty, watch porn together, or even that she use a vibrator before she comes to visit so sex doesn't hurt quite so much, but she doesn't do any of it. I'll start talking dirty to her in bed and she might say one thing back, but unless i actively keep it going, she'll basically just lay there.

 

I really love everything else about our relationship but having mediocre sex for years is starting to get to me, and I've recently noticed myself starting to look at other girls and wonder. I miss the sex life I used to have, and I know that if I could get some of that back with this girl, we could be really happy together in the long run.

 

I'm out of ideas and I could really use some help. Thanks.

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. Lots of friendly, vastly experienced souls here.

 

 

 

Does she ever initiate? Are you students? Age is somewhat helpful.

 

If I might ask, why have you tolerated this for such an extended period of time? Not assigning blame, rather just trying to understand.

 

Sexual therapy is available but I caution you to remain in any unfullining intimate relationship, especially at your age, it's doom buddy.

Her behavior is abnormal.

Edited October 3, 2012 by Balzac
Speak freely.

[caligirl23]

Has sex always been like this with her? If yes, then, maybe she is one of those girls who is just not that into sex. Some women truly are that way. Maybe she likes intimacy, but overall can take it or leave it, and in that case, this will never get better without a lot of therapy or her at least trying to open up and be willing. She sounds timid, like she is just going through the motions and truthfully, I would dread having sex with someone like that. Part of me wonders if the relationship is as enjoyable to her as it is to you- all of it, not just the sex. There potentially could be an issue with you too and I don't mean it to suggest you have a problem, just that maybe you two are a bad fit. Maybe she has areas where she is not too pleased, but you two don't talk about it. I would try talking to her one more time and see if this will bring out any emotion. Other than that, I think this is a done deal and needs to end. Just my opinion.

[guitarborder23]

Thanks for your responses.

 

In response: We are 25 (her) and 26 (me). I'm a student (grad school); she works full time.

 

Sex with her has pretty much always been like this, but she is the initiator at times.

 

I'm an extremely sexual person and she's not; that I know for sure. She likes intimacy, but never really seems all that into sex, though she does initiate sometimes like I stated above. She also gives oral on occasion.

 

I know the rest of the relationship is as enjoyable for her as it is for me; we're extremely open with each other and she will be moving down with me in the next few months. We've talked heavily about marriage, and she's even more excited about the prospect than I am. Literally everything in our relationship seems pretty perfect except this. All of our long term goals and wants align and we have a lot in common, but we also have a lot of our own friends and interests so we retain our own personalities. Our compatability, which she's very vocal about, is really the only reason I've put up with long distance at all, much less for this long. In all other areas of our relationship, she's extremely giving and interested in my wants/needs.

 

She also wasn't like a virgin or anything when I met her; she's had 4-5 other partners so I'm not really sure what the deal is.

 

As to the "why have you tolerated this for such an extended period of time?" question, I guess my response is that I haven't, really. I've tried talking to her about her sexual wants and fantasies, made suggestions about watching porn or using toys in bed (we have used a vibrator on rare occasion, but that's it), tried to get her to go on top (and other positions) a million times, tried talking dirty to her and getting her to do the same, told her to be more vocal or use body language, etc... But I have to tell her this stuff in small doses over longer periods because I don't want her to be offended. So it's been coming out slowly but surely over the last two years as I try to remedy the problem. But I do know she hears it (on occasion she's said things like "I know you like it when I'm on top" and stuff) but just VERY rarely acts on it.

 

I'm hoping that when we live together and have regular sex on a more consistent basis, the pain goes away and she gets more into it. But a part of me also feels like either she's lazy or just not that into it, and I may be hoping for a reality that might not come...

 

Part of me also wonders if I'm putting too much emphasis on quality of sex when everything else about the relationship is so good.

Edited October 3, 2012 by guitarborder23

[Balzac]

I'd say giving the cohabitation a valiant effort is good. She may be insecure and inhibited but frequent exposure may resolve much of that.

 

The reported pain should be thoroughly evaluated. Not by one basic visit to a gyn specialist but one who specializes in painful coitus.

 

When do you complete your degree? I ask because in the eventuality the sexual compatability persists, it's easier for you to determine a natural transition point to end it. Surely you won't want emotional turmoil during a thesis defense. Best of outcomes to you.

 

btw lazy seems unlikely. It's other issues and in that you can support her efforts to discover what. If she declines pursuit, the decision for you becomes clear.

Edited October 3, 2012 by Balzac

[guitarborder23]

Thanks again for your response.

 

I complete the degree in May, at which time we will hopefully have been living together for 4-5 months, so hopefully I'll have a good sense of what our sex life will really look like long term.

 

I think it will get better when we live together. The sex is only "painful" really at first, and then as she gets more used to it it just becomes a discomfort kind of thing. I think it's just because she hasn't had sex in a while. That's what she seems to think, anyway, when I ask if there's anything I can do to make it more comfortable for her.

 

But,as you said, if it doesn't get better, after I finish my degree may be the perfect time to address this more seriously and determine what the appropriate course of action is. I'm extremely hesitant to give up a relationship this solid for something that feels as trivial as sex quality when everything else feels right, but for some reason sex quality is incredibly important to me.

[Balzac]

So you are interviewing now or about to. Good luck! I take it you'll both plan to relocate during the summer.

 

Sexuality is a primary drive and need. I hear what you're saying and yet be sure to avail yourself of all resources. Again, pain is abnormal. You would be wise to not accept her brushing it off as lack of activity, tempting as that may be. Become her greatest advocate in the search for remedy.

 

Enjoy your exciting move in and your final months in the oh so fun dreamscape of grad life.

[CarrieT]

I'm hoping that when we live together and have regular sex on a more consistent basis, the pain goes away and she gets more into it. But a part of me also feels like either she's lazy or just not that into it, and I may be hoping for a reality that might not come...

I'm going to predict that the exact opposite will be your reality. You are getting more sex now because you two are apart and you are having "reunion sex." Once you start living together, the sex will diminish tremendously, I'm afraid.

 

We've got dozens and dozens of threads from people who complain that there was so much sex in the first year of their relationship which has dwindled to practically nothing and you are on your road to that, I believe.

 

Part of me also wonders if I'm putting too much emphasis on quality of sex when everything else about the relationship is so good.

No, I would say that EVERYTHING about a relationship has to work for both people and if something as important as sexual compatibility is not there, it is very difficult to attain.

 

Quite frankly, from the way you write about your GF, she is not making an effort and your incompatibility is an early sign that the relationship will not last. Could you live the rest of your life with this scenario that you are in now? If she is not willing to change or make a serious effort when you two aren't living together, what makes you think it will change later?

 

I would seriously reconsider moving in with her. And this is from a woman's perspective...

[MonsterMash]

Try to get her to open up to you. If she won't, run like hell. Lifes too short to be with anyone who views sex as a job or something they have to endure.

[SpiralOut]

I would think twice about moving in with her. It's normal to not want to have sex often, but that's only if both people feel that way. You might be lacking sexual chemistry.

[CarrieT]

I'm extremely hesitant to give up a relationship this solid for something that feels as trivial as sex quality when everything else feels right, but for some reason sex quality is incredibly important to me.

 

I'm going to reiterate that sexual compatibility is NOT trivial. It is part of a core of what makes up a person and there is nothing wrong with the fact that "sex quality is incredibly important" to you. It is for many of us.

 

The mere fact that you are bringing this issue to a website prior to moving in with the girl speaks volumes that it is a problem you are contending with early on. There is no way it is going to get better with time. We here who have been on this site for some time know that for a fact due to the number of threads started by people who learn later how incompatible their partners are sexually.

 

Granted, people change, but the strength of a relationship is in two people being able to communicate those changes and be flexible during transitions. Because that has happened in your relationship is a red flag and your hope that it will change by moving in together is a bigger red flag of larger issues - that you are not communicating effectively with one another.

[Mycteria]

She sounds exactly like me in my first two relationships. Although I tried to get into it a little more than she is...

 

Then I met someone that I was actually compatible with sexually, and it is amazing (and we haven't even had sex yet). Honestly I think she's just not that into you. Maybe the rest of the relationship is great, but when a woman is really into a guy, the sex will be amazing.

 

You are on the road to a sexless marriage.

[CC12]

Again, pain is abnormal.

 

I'll have to disagree with this. A little pain can be normal. Not to get too graphic, but sometimes pain can be due to torn skin (commonly occurring after not having sex for a month,) an uncomfortable angle, dryness, etc. On the other hand, consistent pain can be a sign of a significant problem.

 

OP, try gently talking to her to understand what the pain problem is, exactly. And then ask her what she thinks about it, and if she thinks there are any sexual problems.

 

Your posts are all about you suggesting that she do this or that. "Rub yourself, get on top, tell me what feels good, let's role play, tell me your fantasies, let's talk dirty, let's watch porn, why don't you use a vibrator." And you guys only see each other once a month! I'm ****ing exhausted just reading that. I applaud you for being patient and trying lots of things, but the near constant suggestions from you would not make me feel sexy. I'd feel a little pressured. Try a different approach. Ask her what she wants.

[Emilia]

First of all, I'm concerned that she experiences pain. She either needs to get checked out medically or she isn't into the sex enough, neither is great.

 

I wonder OP whether you would be together still if you saw each other more frequently. I agree with those that say you are on the road for a sexless long term relationship/marriage.

[guitarborder23]

I'll have to disagree with this. A little pain can be normal. Not to get too graphic, but sometimes pain can be due to torn skin (commonly occurring after not having sex for a month,) an uncomfortable angle, dryness, etc. On the other hand, consistent pain can be a sign of a significant problem.

 

OP, try gently talking to her to understand what the pain problem is, exactly. And then ask her what she thinks about it, and if she thinks there are any sexual problems.

 

Your posts are all about you suggesting that she do this or that. "Rub yourself, get on top, tell me what feels good, let's role play, tell me your fantasies, let's talk dirty, let's watch porn, why don't you use a vibrator." And you guys only see each other once a month! I'm ****ing exhausted just reading that. I applaud you for being patient and trying lots of things, but the near constant suggestions from you would not make me feel sexy. I'd feel a little pressured. Try a different approach. Ask her what she wants.

 

Perhaps maybe "pain" is the wrong word, and as this poster calls it, "discomfort" is more what she's experiencing. When I ask her about it, she seems to think it's just due to sexual inactivity.

 

The very first thing I did was ask her if she has any fantasies and what she likes. I think I said this as the first thing in my list, too. I've tried asking her numerous times what she likes, if she has any fantasies, etc... but she always shrugs and either says "not really" or "you're doing a good job."

 

So I've resorting to making suggestions every now in then, but it's not "near consistent suggestions." It has been spread out over two years in little doses here and there. And most of my suggestions are like "why don't you try being on top?" or talk dirty to me; I don't think they're the type of suggestions that would make a woman not "feel sexy." But I guess I could be wrong.

[Emilia]

Having a month off between each time you have sex is no reason for discomfort in my opinion. Certainly not in my experience, never really heard of that either. I still think this is a sexual incompatibility issue

[stillafool]

When a woman really wants a man sexually she usually doesn't feel any pain because her body wants him. When you asked her if she has any fantasies she said "not really". What does that mean? Sex is very important in a LTR and this should be like a honeymoon phase for you two at this point. Especially since you don't see each other often.

[guitarborder23]

When a woman really wants a man sexually she usually doesn't feel any pain because her body wants him. When you asked her if she has any fantasies she said "not really". What does that mean? Sex is very important in a LTR and this should be like a honeymoon phase for you two at this point. Especially since you don't see each other often.

 

This is true of women who regularly have sex, but for those who don't, even when they really want a man there can be some discomfort the first time they have sex.

 

I don't know what it means that she says "no" or "not really." She never elaborates.

 

We don't see each other in person that often (maybe once a month), but we speak every night on Skype and text all day long. We've also gone on week long vacations together and things. I think we're long past the honeymoon phase.

[Balzac]

Pain is assessed by asking patient to assign a numerical value. 1-10

Over time you'll gain a better idea of how she ranks it.

[Emilia]

This is true of women who regularly have sex, but for those who don't, even when they really want a man there can be some discomfort the first time they have sex.

 

This is not necessarily true. A month is nothing anyway. A lot of people go through dry spell and they don't feel pain afterwards (quite the opposite in fact)

[Balzac]

We've pretty much asked him everything but his penis size !!

He's got to come to his own conclusions and he likes everything else about her.

Taking this to the next level is the task. Interesting shares and discussion here.

[guitarborder23]

We've pretty much asked him everything but his penis size !!

He's got to come to his own conclusions and he likes everything else about her.

Taking this to the next level is the task. Interesting shares and discussion here.

 

I'm 9000 inches. Haha jk.

 

Thanks a lot everyone for your comments. You've all given me a lot to think about.

 

I don't think it'll hurt to try living together and see if things improve, and if not, really decide if this relationship is going to work long term for me. I'm really hesitant to give it up when everything else about the relationship is so right, but I do hear what you're all saying, and I will seriously consider it. She seems to think it's due to sexual inactivity, though, and I'm inclined to think she knows best since she's had long-term sexual partners before. We'll see.

[Emilia]

Certainly don't want to brow beat you OP but her assumption is wrong. Maybe she should see a doctor, she drew a conclusion that I've never heard anyone else drawing before. Perhaps she is denial or just simply not honest? She doesn't appear to be particularly open when it comes to sex - it is how I understand from your posts - and I wonder why. Maybe she just doesn't like sex all that much.

 

I agree though, you will find out more through living together. It will soon become apparent whether this is destined to be a sexless LTR.

[stillafool]

This is true of women who regularly have sex, but for those who don't, even when they really want a man there can be some discomfort the first time they have sex.

 

I don't know what it means that she says "no" or "not really." She never elaborates.

 

We don't see each other in person that often (maybe once a month), but we speak every night on Skype and text all day long. We've also gone on week long vacations together and things. I think we're long past the honeymoon phase.

 

 

I'm a woman so I probably know more about this than you. Plus other women have chimed in saying the same thing. It doesn't matter how long you have been without it, (unless of course you are a virgin) if she wants you sexually there will be no pain or if it is painful (as in a big penis) it will be pleasurable pain.

[CarrieT]

This is true of women who regularly have sex, but for those who don't, even when they really want a man there can be some discomfort the first time they have sex.

With all due respect, you are wrong. I had a two-year bout of celibacy and after two years of no insertion of any kind, when I finally popped my celibacy cherry, there was no discomfort or pain.

 

I don't think it'll hurt to try living together and see if things improve, and if not, really decide if this relationship is going to work long term for me.

This is a red flag. Entwining yourself in a living situation could cause that much more damage as it will be much more difficult to solve the problems that are already existing.

 

I'm really hesitant to give it up when everything else about the relationship is so right, but I do hear what you're all saying, and I will seriously consider it.

It isn't about giving it up, it is about the tremendous lack of communication as depicted by your statement here:

 

I don't know what it means that she says "no" or "not really." She never elaborates.

You don't know what she means and she doesn't elaborate. THIS is the crux of your problems, my friend. You are Skyping daily, but it does not seem like you are really communicating openly and honestly. She doesn't elaborate and you aren't prodding to determine what the problems are.

 

Guitarborder, the best thing you can do IF you decide to move in with her is to print out this thread and look back on it a year or so after you have co-habitated.

 

For most people, their sexual relationships are off the scale in the first year or so in their relationship and then it settles into what works and what is comfortable. It rarely "gets better" than what it is at the beginning - although there can be new experiments and some level of learning.