mattzeo Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 After much drilling, my wife of 25 years admitted ten days ago to being in an aldulterous affair with another man she claims to have never loved, exchanged gifts, and rarely had orgasms with. She insists that all he did for her was to make her feel sexy and desired. She said she always believed I found her attractive because I was in love with her, and that he found her beautiful without the blinders of love. She is a very attractive woman, yet has always been insecure as most people are. The scumbag she took up with is a loser who had her pay for things! This creep is nine years older than her and looks EVERY day of his age. Overweight, missing teeth, and a used car salesman...what a package of dung. I am an above average looking man of 50 who holds a professional position. I sent her packing back to her mom's the very day she finally came clean. she says she would like to be with me, but knows I cannot everget past this, and she is correct I'm afraid to say. Eight years of sleaziness is too much for me to come to terms with. I cannot understand being in a long term affair without any emotional involvement. I cannot understand her story because I know i could not carry on with a woman without having some feelings.Opinions and advice are appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
kae Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 you did the right thing. 8/9 years of lies is toooooooo much. My question how did you not notice??? thats scarey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattzeo Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 I found a minutes phone in her purse three weeks ago that had no history of any calls or contacts. To make matters worse, I found two nude pictures of her on the phone. It took her two long weeks to confess. I never knew my wife had that dark side to her as she wouldn't even watch soft porn with me because she said it was sleazy. It is difficult to picture some of the things she admitted to. I'm disgusted... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I never knew my wife had that dark side to her as she wouldn't even watch soft porn with me because she said it was sleazy. It is difficult to picture some of the things she admitted to. I'm disgusted... Don't feel confused about this. Most people always try to hide or run away from their dark side. Most will not even admit to themselves that they have one. Specially concerning their sexual life. Most people still think that people change with time. Not true. That would be like saying that a person can turn gay with time. What you've just seen is the true nature of your wife. She probably is a very lustful woman. Yet she probably never admitted that because of social pressures. She was afraid she would be labeled a "slut" if she watched porn or did certain sexual stuff. Now that she's older (I bet she's probably in her 40's or 50's) she wants to live the life she never got the chance or the guts to try. Your story mirrors that of certain guys who were married to women they saw as prude or with very rigid morals concerning sex and fidelity. Until they discover they've been involved in an affair where they indulge in practices worthy of the most hardcore porn. The woman you thought you married never existed for real. You were married to something she wanted to be. Not something she really was. The naked woman whose photos you saw in her mobile: that is the real her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattzeo Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks Karnak. She is 44, and started the affair at 36 so he has not only tried it, she has been living it for eight long years. I married her when she was 19 going on 20, I was almost 25. We had every type of sex often and no holds barred on exploring everything imaginable between a man and woman. I always asked her to be more proactive in the bedroom, and hardly ever would she do so. I mostly initiated the physical part of our relationship throughout then years. She volunteered that when with this other scum she rarely would orgasm, and said she only faked it with me a few times in all our years together because she knew I was tired. She also stated that she didn't love him at all, she said he made her feel sexy and hot. Heck, Most men in his category (serial cheater) would say anything to get what he wanted. I gather that despite her assuring me that she wants to be with me if I could get past all this mess, she could never be a one man woman? I have told her I cannot believe that she wouldn't slip back into the wilder side of life when she again became bored with the marriage. She strongly disagrees by saying all she needs is my attention and affection. Is she in denial? Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 She also stated that she didn't love him at all, she said he made her feel sexy and hot. Heck, Most men in his category (serial cheater) would say anything to get what he wanted. Trust me: she knew very well that he was only playing her. I mean, in the end it was her who was playing him. If you start asking older women, they will tell you that women are better at profiling than men. When a woman gets involved with a man, she already knows the sort of character he has. Troble is: most women like to think they have the power to transform a pile of garbage into "Prince Charming". It's a control thing. They want to prove to themselves that they can succeed where other women have failed. Only you can decide if you want to keep your marriage or not. One thing is certain: you'll never see your wife under the same light again. From now on, even if she never cheats in her life again, you know that she is capable of cheating and keeping a double life. Staying married to a cheater is similar to being married to a killer. You know that there is a strong chance that your spouse may murder you in your sleep. But that doesn't mean that he/she will do it. Can you live with that risk? Some people can. But then, again, some people can live in marriages where they're phisically and emotionally abused by their spouses on a regular basis. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I have told her I cannot believe that she wouldn't slip back into the wilder side of life when she again became bored with the marriage. She strongly disagrees by saying all she needs is my attention and affection. Is she in denial? She has already lied to you for 8 years. Why would she have any problem in lying to you (or herself) any more? That's the major issue with cheaters. They lie. And you can never trust them, because you never know when they're speaking the truth or being honest. Actions speak louder than words. And her actions speak very low of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 If she told you that she could never be a one man woman, then what's the point? I don't think that you want to live in an open marriage.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattzeo Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 If she told you that she could never be a one man woman, then what's the point? I don't think that you want to live in an open marriage.... You misread my post. she didn't say she wasn't a one man woman...that is my fear. I have been absolutely faithful to her despite some opportunities I had, yet walked, no ran away from to avoid my falling prey to seduction. So NO, I do not desire an open marriage. What is the point in being married if you go with others. i was single until 25 yaers old and did my share of dating BEFORE I committed to marriage which I enjoyed. Monogamy was never a problem for me. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 You seem to be doing about as well as can be expected, Matt. Any kids? Do you have any sort of plan at this point? Understandable if you don't; you haven't had that long to sort through this frickin' mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattzeo Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 She has already lied to you for 8 years. Why would she have any problem in lying to you (or herself) any more? That's the major issue with cheaters. They lie. And you can never trust them, because you never know when they're speaking the truth or being honest. Actions speak louder than words. And her actions speak very low of her. I agree. I know I will never view her with the same respect. I could have forgiven a short transgression, but not an eight year lie. To make matters worse, the scum she cheated with was her friend and former co-workers husband. He used to come into the workplace and help my wife back in 2004. She would speak of him in a very negative way saying he was creepy and extremeny flirtatious. I told her to tell him to stay away as politely as possible. I also told her that because of his smut talk and not being able to keep his hands to himself, I did not want her going over her friends house anymore. She agreed, but twice I discovered she had been to their house and i was really mad. I told her to stay away or else I would confront the creep myself, and she responded "Okay, it's no big deal." So I just let it die on the vine. Four years later I find that she was sleeping with him for eight years. he deserves to be beaten to within inches of death, and i'm quite capable of doing so. Ten years ago I would have without hesitation. At 50, I realize neither one of them are worth my going to prison. They can have each other as far as I am concerned. I saw her on lunch today, and she once again stated she never loved him. I do not believe it, nor will/does it make any difference. it is just an indicator that her lies will never cease. nobody can carry on that long and not develop love for each other... Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Love or the absence of love is a hollow defense. She managed to share sexual intimacy with him, for 8 years. What she reports about the quality of that to you is meaningless. She fabricates her story to curry favor with you now. She is an unreliable finder of fact and unworthy of any measure of your trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 The logical consequence of infidelity-the legal remedy is impotent. Marriage is a financial contract but rarely does the cheater lose equity value. So for 9 years of her cuckholding you-she earned half of every dollar you earned. I'm not sure how you came to this knowledge, how long your drilling took or whether you have newly adult children. What I do know is that you now are in a war zone and YOU are the only shell shocked soldier. I feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattzeo Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 The logical consequence of infidelity-the legal remedy is impotent. Marriage is a financial contract but rarely does the cheater lose equity value. So for 9 years of her cuckholding you-she earned half of every dollar you earned. I'm not sure how you came to this knowledge, how long your drilling took or whether you have newly adult children. What I do know is that you now are in a war zone and YOU are the only shell shocked soldier. I feel for you. She has already agreed to a cash settlement that equals about one-third of our net worth. We have savings/retirement accounts. I have a government pension that she agreed not to ask for. She has told her mother and our adult children that she messed up the whole marriage and will take a lesser amount of cash for a quick solution. I am guarded, but believe she wouldn't break the agreement she has told to so many. Our home was paid for, so now I only need a small mortgage to get her paid off. I will have this mortgage paid in less than five years. She was a bread winner too, and desrves a fair amount of money. She has a professional position and makes just a tad less than I. Even if I have to sweeten the deal a bit in the future, financially I will be sitting well. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Yet you fear she will renig on the proffer? While I fully understand the financial implications I guess my point was this. You devoted career time and she devoted career+added interest. Therefore opportunities to enhance your marriage were denied you. For your sake I hope you finalize the divorce quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 To make matters worse, the scum she cheated with was her friend and former co-workers husband. He used to come into the workplace and help my wife back in 2004. She would speak of him in a very negative way saying he was creepy and extremeny flirtatious. I told her to tell him to stay away as politely as possible. I also told her that because of his smut talk and not being able to keep his hands to himself, I did not want her going over her friends house anymore. She agreed, but twice I discovered she had been to their house and i was really mad. I told her to stay away or else I would confront the creep myself, and she responded "Okay, it's no big deal." So I just let it die on the vine. Four years later I find that she was sleeping with him for eight years. This says a lot about her character. The fact that she could hide her true colours from you for 25 years also says LOADS. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 She has already agreed to a cash settlement that equals about one-third of our net worth. We have savings/retirement accounts. I have a government pension that she agreed not to ask for. She has told her mother and our adult children that she messed up the whole marriage and will take a lesser amount of cash for a quick solution. I am guarded, but believe she wouldn't break the agreement she has told to so many. Our home was paid for, so now I only need a small mortgage to get her paid off. I will have this mortgage paid in less than five years. She was a bread winner too, and desrves a fair amount of money. She has a professional position and makes just a tad less than I. Even if I have to sweeten the deal a bit in the future, financially I will be sitting well. Run, don't walk, to sign the divorce settlement. You say you could never get over her betrayal and by your posts I would also say that you don't want to. She's not the woman you thought she was and she's not the woman you want to grow old with. 50 is not old and you have plenty of great years ahead of you. Your kids are grown and there's nothing in your way so start your new life today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattzeo Posted October 4, 2012 Author Share Posted October 4, 2012 Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. I know that I must now embark on a new life. It scares me because she was the person who I planned being by my side through retirement and eventual death. Dreams are erasesed, as are memories because for eight years I was deceived and will never know the truth. I will confess that almost every waking moment is spent thinking of her. Despite what she has done, I still am in love with her, and now must learn how to unlove her and carry on as a single man. Love doesn't just go away even when the loved one hurts you as terribly as I have been hurt. Wish it was that simple. I will find happiness someday I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Absolutely love does not vanish. What does happen is a different feeling about her and the long relationship. You will grieve after this shock you are in. The tasks of divorce will require time & effort. After that it's a period of regrouping and sharing with your adult children. Try to hang in there with whatever feelings come to you. Take each day as a singular task. What a tragic situation on so many levels. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. I know that I must now embark on a new life. It scares me because she was the person who I planned being by my side through retirement and eventual death. Dreams are erasesed, as are memories because for eight years I was deceived and will never know the truth. I will confess that almost every waking moment is spent thinking of her. Despite what she has done, I still am in love with her, and now must learn how to unlove her and carry on as a single man. Love doesn't just go away even when the loved one hurts you as terribly as I have been hurt. Wish it was that simple. I will find happiness someday I'm sure. I know precisely how you feel. But what you´re feeling isn't precisely love. It's more like a decompensation. Your mind and body have grown used to a kind of lifestyle that you're now missing. It's like an addict without drugs. Or like being fired of a great job out of the blue. As time goes by, and as you realize that life and the world continue, you'll notice those feeling subsiding. And, as soon as you find an interesting woman you'll realize that what you once thought was gold was really shiny copper. Been there, done that and got the T-Shirt. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 8 year affair I don't blame you for getting a divorce. I sure your WW has not even told half of what went on during those 8 years. Have you told the OMW? She deserves to know. Don't attempt recovery at a later date without the book Surving An Affair by Dr Harley. How are your kids reacting to you and WW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattzeo Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) Road..Yes I told the other mans wife. I do not know what the acronym WW is, but I assume it is something wife. There is not much my "WW" could withhold, she has told me the worse possible things you can imagine. So there is not much more she can tell me. She even volunteered details as best she recalls when I was away on trips. Things I had forgotten about. She says she never had any feelings for him, but I believe she had to of had some sort of love for him. I believe she is withholding the truth on that in the false belief that she would spare me additional pain. Truth is, I could understand what happened a lot better if she was overcome with love. No love and all sex equals a tramp, male or female. I am now single as far as I'm concerned, and I still receive my share of compliments from the ladies, but would not even consider rolling in the hay with one of them at this stage. I would enjoy dinner and conversation, as surprisingly my wife and I were best friends, and I miss that aspect. I like being in the company of a nice lady, and treating her like a lady. My wife apparently told me I was too good, and respected her too much and she felt she would be thought of as a slut if she talked dirty to me in bed, or asked for sex more than once. Heck, I would have been thrilled. I believe she just was too young when i married her, and she wanted to experience the sleazy side of life. perhaps she is not emotionally well balanced. I do not know, and cannot be there for her despite her "prayers" that she and I will reconcile some day. My adult children are taking it pretty well. They were initially very shocked, but still love their Mom, and I'm glad they feel that way. Edited October 5, 2012 by mattzeo Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 She has already agreed to a cash settlement that equals about one-third of our net worth. We have savings/retirement accounts. I have a government pension that she agreed not to ask for. She has told her mother and our adult children that she messed up the whole marriage and will take a lesser amount of cash for a quick solution. I am guarded, but believe she wouldn't break the agreement she has told to so many. Our home was paid for, so now I only need a small mortgage to get her paid off. I will have this mortgage paid in less than five years. She was a bread winner too, and desrves a fair amount of money. She has a professional position and makes just a tad less than I. Even if I have to sweeten the deal a bit in the future, financially I will be sitting well. I hope you have this in writing, signed and noterized Link to post Share on other sites
Sporty Girl Posted October 7, 2012 Share Posted October 7, 2012 EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, a guy with missing teeth, and he is using her for money? How desparate can she be?????? She must of been really hurting emotionally to go that low. Maybe she feels insecure about being with you, so that's why she did it. That guy sounds like a scum bag piece of ****. Leave her ass, good choice bud. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 I cannot understand her story because I know i could not carry on with a woman without having some feelings.Opinions and advice are appreciated. You did fine my man. I hope kicking her out is permanent. Get a good attorney and file for divorce. There is a wonderful world awaiting you as a single man, and a wonderful world awaiting you to not have to be married to a skank any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
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