My ex-boyfriend is confused

[Suzy Q]

My ex-boyfriend says he has a history of not maintaining relationships for very long. He says that he has "a list" of qualities that a woman would have to have in order for them to qualify as marriageable. He feels that all relationships are temporary and that it is very possible he won't ever get married. He says that he longs for that truly "perfect" companion but he can't seem to put this "list" behind him in order to open his heart. Of what might this be a symptom? He has asked me for my help. However, I do not think I am the right person to be his therapist. I wish I could point him in the right direction so that he can help himself. Any ideas?

[Tony T]

If baffles me that you even care about his love life.

 

There are people in the world who are incapable of falling in love and your ex is one of them. No person will ever complete his laundry list of requirements in a mate. As he matures, it is likely he will ease off these.

 

Right now, I can tell you he uses this requirement crap as a defense against getting in long term, close relationships. More than likely he grew up in an abusive home or he was abandoned either physically or emotionally by someone he loved when he was a child. In his adulthood, he is terrified that someone he loves will leave him...so he puts every block in the roadway so he won't have to face that kind of hurt again.

 

He could use some therapy for sure. But it is not productive for you to wait around for him. It is also not at all healthy for you to do research to help this guy, perhaps with the hopes of getting back with him??? He is years away from overcoming his difficulty and you don't need his stuff weighting down your life.

 

I hope instead of pointing him in the right direction you will leave him to his own devices for sorting this out. Trying to solve his problems for him makes you a codependent and this is not healthy for you or him. Go about your way and find someone who has figured himself out already.

 

However, it is sweet of you to give it a try.

[Deejette]

It is very hurtful to be in a relationship with someone who proclaims he is looking for perfection and obviously you are not the one. You could spend a lifetime trying to live up to his ideals of the perfect woman and spend a lifetime failing at it. But is he so fabulous himself that he can make such demands of a person or a relationship?

 

He sounds like a cold-hearted, judgemental person who will make you doubt yourself for never measuring up.

If baffles me that you even care about his love life. There are people in the world who are incapable of falling in love and your ex is one of them. No person will ever complete his laundry list of requirements in a mate. As he matures, it is likely he will ease off these. Right now, I can tell you he uses this requirement crap as a defense against getting in long term, close relationships. More than likely he grew up in an abusive home or he was abandoned either physically or emotionally by someone he loved when he was a child. In his adulthood, he is terrified that someone he loves will leave him...so he puts every block in the roadway so he won't have to face that kind of hurt again. He could use some therapy for sure. But it is not productive for you to wait around for him. It is also not at all healthy for you to do research to help this guy, perhaps with the hopes of getting back with him??? He is years away from overcoming his difficulty and you don't need his stuff weighting down your life. I hope instead of pointing him in the right direction you will leave him to his own devices for sorting this out. Trying to solve his problems for him makes you a codependent and this is not healthy for you or him. Go about your way and find someone who has figured himself out already.

 

However, it is sweet of you to give it a try.