My Anxiety Is Messing Me Up..Need Some Serious

[ID80]

I think I am losing the plot and its scaring the hell out of me. I have always been an independent woman and even slightly commitment phobic. I am 30 and recently engaged and honestly speaking my fiance is actually the first man I ever loved, since I really didn't want to be vulnerable to anytime and was okay being single.

 

He is pretty much everything I wanted and loves me and more importantly respects me. Even our fights/disagreements never turn ugly and after we resolve them, our relationship feels stronger (something which even he agrees on).

 

When we were dating, I loved the fact that we had individual interest and believed in giving space. However, post the engagement, I have started becoming over-sensitive to everything and sometimes feel resentful. If he is playing golf on a Sunday, it just bugs me, even though he will have dinner with me post that. If he doesn't call or text me in the day, I start getting anxious that his feelings have lessened. Like yesterday we had lunch and spent the whole day together and he dropped me home around 8PM to catch a late night game at his place. I just got hurt that he didn't want to do dinner (though I didn't tell him that). Post match he called me to chat with me and I went to bed happy. Now its 4 pm and he hasn't text to call and I keep thinking about him.

 

Also these days everything about him annoys me. When he smokes, or takes a drink (he is not an alcoholic, but drinks 4-5 drinks when we are at a party, or share a bottle of wine with friends), even his eating habits. All this I was aware of while we were dating. but suddenly after engagement, I take everything personally!

 

I DONT KNOW WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME and just wanna slap some sense into me. The logical side in me thinks I am ridiculous and know its self-destructive. But the other side of me just keeps thinking he is bored or the love is diminishing.

 

I also feel that my expectations are too much from this engagement period and my need to be perfect is another cause. I was never like this during our dating period, but since the engagement, I am turning into a nutcase.

 

We don't live together, and our around 45 miles apart (he always come to my side of the town ). We do go out around 3-4 times a week for dates etc. And speak to each other on the phone every night even for like 15 minutes. Of course when we were dating our phone calls were always longer and there were always some cute text messages for me in the morning.

 

I just have a general feeling of being let down, which I don't understand. Everyone around me loves my fiance and think he is a great guy. More importantly they keep telling me that its obvious he really cares for me. But why do I have self-doubts? Any advice would help.

 

Also I have taken off from work because of the wedding and sometimes feel over-whelmed that my life revolves around him and the wedding, whereas he has other stuff going on.

 

I swear I am usually a normal person, but this whole situation is screwing up my brain!

[january2011]

There may be a gap between your expectations and reality, which is compounded by your perfectionism. This is leaving you unsatisifed, as though something's not quite right or is missing.

 

It's also real now. You're getting married. Potentially, you're going to be with this guy for the rest of your life. All his strengths and weaknesses, all his positives and negatives. Perhaps you're asking yourself if you can really live with him, like this, for the rest of your life? Perhaps your spirit is fighting the potential loss of independence? Perhaps your confusion, doubts and feeling vulnerable are manifesting themselves into nitpicking at his flaws.

 

It may just be a case of wedding jitters/cold feet. And because he's got other things to focus on, perhaps you feel that all the wedding prep has been left to you and the pressure and perceived abandonment has made you resentful. He may have left you to it, because he might have assumed that you wanted to make the decisions yourself with minimal input from him - to avoid having a bridezilla scenario.

 

If you want his involvement and help, you need to tell him and ask him to take responsibility for some of the prep. He may not actually care about the colour of the flowers and just wants you to have whatever makes you happy. However, you need to impress upon him that even if he's not really fussed either way, you would be happier if you did this together or he took charge of some of the research and decision-making.

 

You might also consider looking for a non-wedding related activity, something that you look forward to, that you can use to de-stress and take your mind off all the pressure of wedding prep. Perhaps a weekly massage or a monthly spa day? Or a yoga/exercise class?

Edited October 4, 2012 by january2011

[kae]

youre TOO focused on him.

 

30% relationship

70% Other things..family.work.friends.hobbies.chruch.quiet u time. creative projects.travel.stuff.

 

Get your life Back!! Get a Grip WOMAN.. sorry i had to..

[todreaminblue]

I think I am losing the plot and its scaring the hell out of me. I have always been an independent woman and even slightly commitment phobic. I am 30 and recently engaged and honestly speaking my fiance is actually the first man I ever loved, since I really didn't want to be vulnerable to anytime and was okay being single.

 

He is pretty much everything I wanted and loves me and more importantly respects me. Even our fights/disagreements never turn ugly and after we resolve them, our relationship feels stronger (something which even he agrees on).

 

When we were dating, I loved the fact that we had individual interest and believed in giving space. However, post the engagement, I have started becoming over-sensitive to everything and sometimes feel resentful. If he is playing golf on a Sunday, it just bugs me, even though he will have dinner with me post that. If he doesn't call or text me in the day, I start getting anxious that his feelings have lessened. Like yesterday we had lunch and spent the whole day together and he dropped me home around 8PM to catch a late night game at his place. I just got hurt that he didn't want to do dinner (though I didn't tell him that). Post match he called me to chat with me and I went to bed happy. Now its 4 pm and he hasn't text to call and I keep thinking about him.

 

Also these days everything about him annoys me. When he smokes, or takes a drink (he is not an alcoholic, but drinks 4-5 drinks when we are at a party, or share a bottle of wine with friends), even his eating habits. All this I was aware of while we were dating. but suddenly after engagement, I take everything personally!

 

I DONT KNOW WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME and just wanna slap some sense into me. The logical side in me thinks I am ridiculous and know its self-destructive. But the other side of me just keeps thinking he is bored or the love is diminishing.

 

I also feel that my expectations are too much from this engagement period and my need to be perfect is another cause. I was never like this during our dating period, but since the engagement, I am turning into a nutcase.

 

We don't live together, and our around 45 miles apart (he always come to my side of the town ). We do go out around 3-4 times a week for dates etc. And speak to each other on the phone every night even for like 15 minutes. Of course when we were dating our phone calls were always longer and there were always some cute text messages for me in the morning.

 

I just have a general feeling of being let down, which I don't understand. Everyone around me loves my fiance and think he is a great guy. More importantly they keep telling me that its obvious he really cares for me. But why do I have self-doubts? Any advice would help.

 

Also I have taken off from work because of the wedding and sometimes feel over-whelmed that my life revolves around him and the wedding, whereas he has other stuff going on.

 

I swear I am usually a normal person, but this whole situation is screwing up my brain!

 

 

wedding day itis maybe......you are going through a stressful time so when people who experience or don't handle stress well, anxiety is normally involved.....you are over whelmed i feel you should spend time apart from your fiancee...... take some time out for yourself do something you like to do to calm your nerves take a walk go sit somewhere peaceful with a note pad and just write how you feel and then put it away for another day.

 

I do know this couples need to spend time apart not a whole heap of time but you have to find things that are separate.....i am creative so i write or paint or draw or walk not just in but out of relationships....i am happy with my company and the company of good friends and family....i am quite able to handle distance....not for too long.....drives me nuts.....that is no contact for weeks....i am saying this on my past experience i am actually single ......

 

you have to have some time in the day where you go hey i miss him right now and when i have had relationships phone calls are never boring....lol.......you have to work on it....but spending a little time apart and cultivating close friendships is important......

 

 

spending time independently teaches you resilience....and strength and yes you actually do look forward to seeing them at the end of the day.....having laughs over dinner and something different to share...to be happy together you need to be happy apart....otherwise resentment builds.....killer to relationships....doesn't mean you aren't thinking of your partner...you do.....you look forward to seeing him again.....huge kissees and hugs ensue.....lol.....if i were you i wouldn't panic about the anxiety.....i think that's an oxymoron of a statement but its true...you are going through a stressful time you will settle down stay strong relax have a bubble bath with loads of lavender silky bubbles put your feet up....and think this too shall pass........look into your heart and see that and say this.... he is good for you you are good for him he loves you you love him say that a few times......ill pray for a wedding day that is bright and beautiful for you....congrats.....best of luck......deb

[ID80]

You guys are awesome and yes I need to get a grip, but I dont know how!! My mind is constantly racing, even when I am exercising, doing yoga or getting a massage. And what is scary is that I have always been a calm person and this new side of me is freaking me out!

 

I think a part of me can't believe that I found the guy I always wanted and just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like for instance I have not been keeping well and my fiance gets worried. I have always been scared of doctors and expect the worse when it comes to medical news. He told me loves me and will be with me no matter what the prognosis is. It turned out to be an ulcer, but I loved him for his support.

 

 

 

We both are Indians and currently living with our folks, but will move to our own place post marriage. Though he purchased the apartment, he is always running things by me and everything is a joint decision. He really treats me like an equal, which believe me is rare for an Indian man living in India!

 

 

 

The home siuation gets to me something as we can not have intimate time, unless we hire a hotel room, which itself kinda takes away from the romance.

 

 

 

I do exercise with a trainer and go for a run as well. And thats the only time I feel better. And I am self-destructing and I know that. But I don't know how to stop!

 

 

 

I think a part of me gets annoyed that he has a life beyond the wedding bit and me and right now I am just overwhelmed by the whole wedding. But he doesnt pressurise me into anything and shares the burden as well.

 

 

 

I am plauged by self-doubt and since the engagement (he proposed on my birthday witha beuatiful ring) I just keep obsessing over his every action, something which I have never done in all our time dating! And thats why he fell in love with me cos he thought that I was well-rounded indivual with interests and a life beyond the party scene of our city!

[todreaminblue]

You guys are awesome and yes I need to get a grip, but I dont know how!! My mind is constantly racing, even when I am exercising, doing yoga or getting a massage. And what is scary is that I have always been a calm person and this new side of me is freaking me out!

 

I think a part of me can't believe that I found the guy I always wanted and just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like for instance I have not been keeping well and my fiance gets worried. I have always been scared of doctors and expect the worse when it comes to medical news. He told me loves me and will be with me no matter what the prognosis is. It turned out to be an ulcer, but I loved him for his support.

 

 

 

We both are Indians and currently living with our folks, but will move to our own place post marriage. Though he purchased the apartment, he is always running things by me and everything is a joint decision. He really treats me like an equal, which believe me is rare for an Indian man living in India!

 

 

 

The home siuation gets to me something as we can not have intimate time, unless we hire a hotel room, which itself kinda takes away from the romance.

 

 

 

I do exercise with a trainer and go for a run as well. And thats the only time I feel better. And I am self-destructing and I know that. But I don't know how to stop!

 

 

 

I think a part of me gets annoyed that he has a life beyond the wedding bit and me and right now I am just overwhelmed by the whole wedding. But he doesnt pressurise me into anything and shares the burden as well.

 

 

 

I am plauged by self-doubt and since the engagement (he proposed on my birthday witha beuatiful ring) I just keep obsessing over his every action, something which I have never done in all our time dating! And thats why he fell in love with me cos he thought that I was well-rounded indivual with interests and a life beyond the party scene of our city!

 

 

I self destruct quite often luckily the people around me love me anyway....they take my good with my bad and I try my hardest to be strong....when i am physically fit my mental health improves....i still stress out and go into lalala land ....im a bit of a dreamer.....i have my faith which has got me through more than i could possible handle on my own......God is with ya.......when you feel warm when it is actually cold.....thats god with his arms around you....stay strong you will get through it....your fiancee sounds wonderful you are blessed to have him....i wish you all the luck in the world...hold on tight....you are going on a wonderful journey together....stay positive....the heavens above are smiling down at you giving you hope.....big hugs to you from me..bon voyage..deb

[ID80]

I self destruct quite often luckily the people around me love me anyway....they take my good with my bad and I try my hardest to be strong....when i am physically fit my mental health improves....i still stress out and go into lalala land ....im a bit of a dreamer.....i have my faith which has got me through more than i could possible handle on my own......God is with ya.......when you feel warm when it is actually cold.....thats god with his arms around you....stay strong you will get through it....your fiancee sounds wonderful you are blessed to have him....i wish you all the luck in the world...hold on tight....you are going on a wonderful journey together....stay positive....the heavens above are smiling down at you giving you hope.....big hugs to you from me..bon voyage..deb

 

Thank you so much for your wishes and also the kind words

 

I have decided to schedule some me time and also hang out with my closest friends. Also we have a date night tomorrow and I have told him we will not mention anything related to the wedding as I need a breather as it has engulfed my world.. He of course understands!