AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 As I got up this morning, made some coffee, and some breakfast, flipped on the news - I was kind of blindsided by a STRONG memory of exMM. It caught me a bit unaware and out of nowhere - which hasn't happened for quite a long time honestly. He was never a coffee drinker (I am) and he always ate WAY more healthy than I do (not that I eat unhealthy, but he's WAY health conscious). So, he would often tease me about my "addiction" to coffee. When we had long drives together, and we were taking turns driving, or he just wanted me awake while he drove so I could chat with him - I would ALWAYS have to get coffee, esp when we were driving in the dark early mornings. He would have a juice or water, and then would commence to tease me about "needing" coffee to stay awake and alert. Anyway, as my coffee was on this morning, I was making my toast and remembered that I had some home-made Amish apricot preserves in the fridge - and the smell of the coffee, and the preserves just brought up this memory of him. All the coffee jokes, and the trips to local Amish stores to shop for my favorite food luxuries (I grew up in a very Amish area and so grew up with a LOT of home-made foods). And, I just kind of stood there for a minute - remembering - and the feeling of missing him hit me hard. Missing those times together, the joking back and forth, the teasing one another about our little quirks that only we knew about one another. I should also mention that he often commented, and was impressed, with my ability to make home-made and old fashioned foods... he especially loved my Amish Friendship Bread. It has been a long time since I've missed someone besides him, so I can't really remember if I had this strong of memories about my lovers before him or not. Do any of you OW/OM find that the memories of your MM/MW are stronger than your memories of other relationships? If so, why do you think that is? My exMM and I didn't have the "excitement" of sneaking around and being hidden (although that does NOT sound like fun to me or something that I would enjoy), and I know that some attribute the "strength" of these relationships on that - not love. But I gotta be honest, standing there a few minutes ago next to my coffee maker, with the smell of coffee and apricot preserves and the flooding memories of exMM - I felt absolutely nothing but love, strong and pure. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Wow...that was touching! Yes, seriously. I felt what you felt...I swear. Having never been in your position, I can't quite relate, but the memories of someone who once was so important in your life and is now gone..that I understand. Just wanted to say that you painted that picture very well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 It has been a long time since I've missed someone besides him, so I can't really remember if I had this strong of memories about my lovers before him or not. Do any of you OW/OM find that the memories of your MM/MW are stronger than your memories of other relationships? If so, why do you think that is? My exMM and I didn't have the "excitement" of sneaking around and being hidden (although that does NOT sound like fun to me or something that I would enjoy), and I know that some attribute the "strength" of these relationships on that - not love. But I gotta be honest, standing there a few minutes ago next to my coffee maker, with the smell of coffee and apricot preserves and the flooding memories of exMM - I felt absolutely nothing but love, strong and pure. Thoughts? My exAP was one of the two men I was really in love with...or maybe 3 lol. He was my first for real love so that also adds to things a bit. But I found the process of memories to be similar between when he and I stopped speaking and when my other single boyfriend and I broke up as well; i.e. the memories were strong and vivid and the nostalgia was too in the times of early separation then as time went on the intensity dimmed. Funnily though, the difference now is that my single ex is someone I have no idea why I dated . Well I know why lol...but I've grown away from him and who I was then and we'd NEVER be a match now. I don't reminisce about him anymore and certainly never get overcome with strong memories. Whereas with my exAP I actually do feel some kind of emotion and feelings when it comes on to memories, wouldn't say they come over me in a strong way at random though, but from time to time or if I specifically think about it. I still maintain that we were a very good match and the love was real, albeit an A. We still speak now and I still do love him and vice-versa. However, in terms of memories, my exAP was also my first real real love, so that contributes to 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 Wow...that was touching! Yes, seriously. I felt what you felt...I swear. Having never been in your position, I can't quite relate, but the memories of someone who once was so important in your life and is now gone..that I understand. Just wanted to say that you painted that picture very well. Thanks... I wrote it as I was in the moment, so that maybe came across? lol It was just so sudden, and unexpected - I've made coffee and toast hundreds of times since I ended it with him, and never had that happen until today. Kind of odd - but I guess that those memories were fading, until he contacted me and wanted to date again after his divorce. So, that's probably it - that we had recently renewed our emotional connection again, so he's on my mind more again. It wasn't a painful memory at all - it just made me miss him, but it was a flash of feel good memories, and love and connection. And I smiled to myself as I poured my coffee - bc I could honestly hear him teasing me about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 My exAP was one of the two men I was really in love with...or maybe 3 lol. He was my first for real love so that also adds to things a bit. But I found the process of memories to be similar between when he and I stopped speaking and when my other single boyfriend and I broke up as well; i.e. the memories were strong and vivid and the nostalgia was too in the times of early separation then as time went on the intensity dimmed. Funnily though, the difference now is that my single ex is someone I have no idea why I dated . Well I know why lol...but I've grown away from him and who I was then and we'd NEVER be a match now. I don't reminisce about him anymore and certainly never get overcome with strong memories. Whereas with my exAP I actually do feel some kind of emotion and feelings when it comes on to memories, wouldn't say they come over me in a strong way at random though, but from time to time or if I specifically think about it. I still maintain that we were a very good match and the love was real, albeit an A. We still speak now and I still do love him and vice-versa. However, in terms of memories, my exAP was also my first real real love, so that contributes to Thanks for sharing... My exMM was the person that I have loved the "most" in my life, so that's probably some of it. In that, I adore him in so many ways, faults and all. But yes, thinking back to my exH, I never had those strong of feelings for him, although I did love him - just, differently I guess? It was strange - and I know it was the smell of the coffee for whatever reason. I always bought exMM cologne that I liked too, and he would always wear it when he was with me. I have some here at my house that I got for him and never gave him, lol... so, I do sometimes smell it in the bedroom when I'm in the drawer for something, and it ALWAYS brings up this strong memory of him. I'm just glad that my memories of him are pleasant. I've never really had "bad" memories of him bc I've never really had bad experiences with him. I'm still drinking coffee... but now it's not bringing him up... weird... lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Thanks... I wrote it as I was in the moment, so that maybe came across? lol It was just so sudden, and unexpected - I've made coffee and toast hundreds of times since I ended it with him, and never had that happen until today. Kind of odd - but I guess that those memories were fading, until he contacted me and wanted to date again after his divorce. So, that's probably it - that we had recently renewed our emotional connection again, so he's on my mind more again. It wasn't a painful memory at all - it just made me miss him, but it was a flash of feel good memories, and love and connection. And I smiled to myself as I poured my coffee - bc I could honestly hear him teasing me about it. In regards to your OP. I can't say that MM was any stronger in the memory department than xH. Both were stronger than anyone else I've ever been involved with but about even to each other. I loved your description as well and thought it was really well written out. In regards to the quoted comment. I have to say that now MM is back in touch I remember things I'd tucked away ages ago. It's all come to the surface and really vivid again. Coffee was something between us too. He lived in England for a few years and took a liking to tea and I'm a coffee girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 In regards to your OP. I can't say that MM was any stronger in the memory department than xH. Both were stronger than anyone else I've ever been involved with but about even to each other. I loved your description as well and thought it was really well written out. In regards to the quoted comment. I have to say that now MM is back in touch I remember things I'd tucked away ages ago. It's all come to the surface and really vivid again. Coffee was something between us too. He lived in England for a few years and took a liking to tea and I'm a coffee girl. Thank you I agree, I think it has been re-started bc he contacted me and we had been in touch a lot lately. And even though I just recently asked him to leave me out of his world until he was in a better place - I am now thinking that to not give that kind of love a chance would be tragic. I never had any complaints about him during the affair - other than some very minor things, and that's relevant too I think. Had I thought he was a liar, or scamming me, or whatever - for 7 years - I probably wouldn't have such fond memories. Thankfully, I have almost nothing but fond memories - and any "bad memories" were just as much my fault as his - and just general arguments that couples often have. It's strange to me bc I had really not been thinking of him much throughout the last year and a half. He did cross my mind, obviously, but there was no longing, just acceptance of the situation for what it was. Now, he has found his way back into my dreams too, which was another place he had been absent for quite some time. This space has been good for me. It's given me a chance to really look at the situation with more clarity, and it's making me realize that the love I felt for him was not only real, but strong - and that it's still there to an extent. Of course, with absence, it has faded a bit, as it hadn't been nurtured for a while - but just the little bit of nurturing we have done to it over the past few weeks has sent it back to a level that I can't ignore. I'm still going to wait it out - I left the ball in his court, and fully expect him to decide what to do with it on that end (without my input). If he comes back around (and I just have a feeling that he will), I will decide then where to go with it - but I won't be doubting the love, that's for sure. So, with that decided, the only decision I have to make now if he comes back around is - to give love a chance or not. To me, that's a no brainer. If he doesn't come back around - at least I'm left with good memories and no hard feelings and no betrayal. Good place - thanks all for the responses. Writing things out has always helped me, and this has been helpful to me in sorting out my thoughts and feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I have had those memories pop out from other incidents in my life. I have always had a really good memory and just remember more than my family. So I will have those flashback moments. So I have had them for dMM from the affair and aftewards, from my xH, from childhood memories, etc. The biggest trigger for me is food. Most of my memories center around food. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Good place - thanks all for the responses. Writing things out has always helped me, and this has been helpful to me in sorting out my thoughts and feelings. After almost seven years here (with a couple of breaks), I agree wholeheartedly. I have written out my anger and frustrations a number of times. After it is all out, I feel much better. I have no doubt that this has kept me from doing some stupid things. You have a good way of putting your thoughts into words. This makes it enjoyable to read. Feel free to write at anytime! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 The times together were intense. That was a factor. Also, the first two times we split up we both had an overwhelming sense of 'potential unrealised'... Again, that impacted on memories and how all-encompassing they were. Quite profound at times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 After almost seven years here (with a couple of breaks), I agree wholeheartedly. I have written out my anger and frustrations a number of times. After it is all out, I feel much better. I have no doubt that this has kept me from doing some stupid things. You have a good way of putting your thoughts into words. This makes it enjoyable to read. Feel free to write at anytime! Thanks James - I actually have a creative writing degree that I've never really used, lol. But in all honesty, I think this thread just came from the heart - so, sincerity often makes things sound pretty. 7 years here? That's a long time... if I can ask, what brought you here the first time around? (I am somewhat familiar with some of your threads, and have read them). I have been journaling since I was a child, and it has always helped me. I still have every single journal that I've ever written in. I just keep filling them up and putting them on the bookshelf. I sometimes go back through them, to see where I was vs. where I am, and am always amazed at how much I have changed over the years. I recently got out the ones from around the time that my Mother was murdered (1996) as it is coming up on the anniversary of that. Those are tough to read, but I do it each year, as a way to process through it all again. And every year, I figure something new out - not to mention, remember something new about her that I write down in my current journal. As for here, I know that I have rubbed some folks the wrong way, which was never my intention, but it happens. I know that not everyone enjoys the way my mind works (heck, I get exhausted with it too at times, lol) and not everyone looks at the world the way that I do - and sometimes, others can take me the "wrong" way, or be offended when no offense was intended at all. So, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, and weren't offended. Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnotherRound Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 The times together were intense. That was a factor. Also, the first two times we split up we both had an overwhelming sense of 'potential unrealised'... Again, that impacted on memories and how all-encompassing they were. Quite profound at times. I get that. I was thinking about this today, and about the memories that hit me this morning. It just made me re-realize that exMM had such a connection on so many levels. He and I shared things with each other that we have never shared with anyone else. That's so bonding, especially considering some of the things that were shared. With exMM, I was able to be exactly who I am, at all times, no editing - and it was the same for him. That's such a great thing, to be perfectly and completely at ease with someone to the level that you truly have no fear and no inhibitions. We had some of the craziest conversations about things that we both had always wanted to know about the opposite sex and had never asked anyone, lol. Those were revealing, to say the least! Like I said - I will have that again, or I will have nothing. I won't settle for close enough to that - I want that again. That level of openness and honesty. That level of love and understanding and acceptance. I did miss him today, a lot - bc of that darn coffee memory... lol. But I still feel like I'm in a good place, got my bearings, and can handle whatever comes my way. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 I felt that strongly... Something that was as good as me+exMM, or better. Much to my shock and astonishment, and despite my trying to deny it for a time, I got better. But that doesn't stop me appreciating how wonderful things were back then 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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