My life is in a mess

[Melody]

Hi all, I am a 21yr old female from Singapore. I was actually a very private person, who didn't want a relationship and prefered to be on my own. But this year, something within me snapped and I started a relationship and it ended badly because of my inability to give up a part of myself to accomodate the guy. We frequently get into arguements about my inability to conform to the "NORM" of being a couple....

 

I was devestated and immediately went and had 3 boyfriends (simultaneously). I had sex with one of them, and then promptly found out that the love of his life is actually his ex. My self-esteem went into the dumps as I look as her photos and pics of his other exs, who are so beautiful. I was always told to lose weight, improve my complexion, my hair etc etc... I was very depressed about this and went drinking with a long time friend... And guess what? when i was drunk, we went to a hotel to stay the night and he almost raped me. I managed to resist and gave him a blowjob to appease him.... I wanted to put all this behind me, but my boyfriend found out about it (i had lovebites), and kicked up a big fuss.

 

I want to end all this circus thing now and remain a spinster for life, but in the meantime, i feel my soul so empty and devoid of feeling already. There isn't even tears to shed.... I feel I can't trust anyone now....

 

mel

[Tony T]

The only person you have to learn how to trust is yourself. You must take full responsiblity for everything that has happened to you.

 

One relationship failed by your inability to give up part of yourself. This is very vague but it sounds like you stood your ground and that's good. If you were unable to open up to him, that's not good. At any rate, take some responsibility here.

 

You went through three other boyfriends after that. That was your choice and, again, you must take responsibility. You got depressed after looking at the ex girlfriends of one of these guys. You must take responsibility for comparing yourself to others, which is a really crazy thing to do. You are unique in your very own way and you must celebrate that. You are not anyone else. If I looked at magazines about wealthy, great looking guys I suppose I could get depressed as well if I were prone to. I take responsibility for who I am and I take full responsibility for changing the things about myself I feel can improve.

 

Then you get drunk and go check into a hotel with a friend. You are actually surprised that a drunk guy attacks a lady in a hotel room. You led him on big time. I don't think what happened was justified or legal, but if a lady goes with me to a hotel I personally would not think it was to play cards...and I'm a pretty nice and reasonable guy. So, you have to take some responsibility for putting yourself in a position of being sexually attacked. Two drunk people in a hotel room...give me a break.

 

Then after all this happens, you say your boyfriend found out. I thought you had broken up. I am confused. But you got drunk with a friend, checked into a hotel room with him, and you have a boyfriend. YUK!!!

 

I don't think you need to condemn yourself to a life as a spinster but you really need to think a bit before you act in your life. I'm sure you're a very sweet lady and you deserve to have a nice, healthy relationship with a male. However, it will not happen if you continue making yourself into a victim.

 

Get yourself together through therapy or self-help. Time has a way of helping us do that. You take a major step in doing this by looking in the mirror when shxt happens to you instead of blaming others. Take some responsibility and control in your life.

[Rogue]

Even if all those others don't care about you,never stop caring for yourself.You have so much to look forward to in life,but sometimes you have to go through times like this.

 

Times like this are meant to teach you something.It might be something about yourself,or about life in general but there is a lesson to be learned and growing up to be done. This sort of thing will keep on happening until you've learned what you're supposed to..so try to examine what you are doing and see if you can improve on it.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself.Nobody is perfect. Nobody is completely useless.Everybody has something good in them,something other people need.You have good things about you that some man would find valuable,and you have to realize that.You have to tell yourself that.Don't get in the habit of criticizing yourself,because after a while you'll start believing it whether it's true or not. You may have bad things too..just try your best to fix those.

 

Your life won't always be like this.There are always ups and downs,not only downs. There will be better days, just be ready for them when they come. Remember,good day or bad day, a day ends and a new one begins.Just try to focus on the good ones and learn from the bad ones and you'll do just fine.

[Deejette]

You feel bad because the sex you have had didn't have any love connected to it. You feel used and abused. But you can change that today, by saying, "I learned my lesson from these mistakes I have made, and I will only engage in sex with someone I really have feelings for. I will not use sex to kill the pain of being rejected or to prove that I am attractive. It will be a way of communicating after I know that I can respect and trust the other person."

Hi all, I am a 21yr old female from Singapore. I was actually a very private person, who didn't want a relationship and prefered to be on my own. But this year, something within me snapped and I started a relationship and it ended badly because of my inability to give up a part of myself to accomodate the guy. We frequently get into arguements about my inability to conform to the "NORM" of being a couple.... I was devestated and immediately went and had 3 boyfriends (simultaneously). I had sex with one of them, and then promptly found out that the love of his life is actually his ex. My self-esteem went into the dumps as I look as her photos and pics of his other exs, who are so beautiful. I was always told to lose weight, improve my complexion, my hair etc etc... I was very depressed about this and went drinking with a long time friend... And guess what? when i was drunk, we went to a hotel to stay the night and he almost raped me. I managed to resist and gave him a blowjob to appease him.... I wanted to put all this behind me, but my boyfriend found out about it (i had lovebites), and kicked up a big fuss. I want to end all this circus thing now and remain a spinster for life, but in the meantime, i feel my soul so empty and devoid of feeling already. There isn't even tears to shed.... I feel I can't trust anyone now.... mel

[Melody]

Hi,

 

Thanks for giving me a perspective of my life. I never thought of myself as a victim in the hotel incident with my friend. I guess I was a bit on the naive side to think that he would never touch me. But I am putting all these behind me and treating it as a learning experience.

 

I have broke off with my three simultaneous boyfriends yesterday and I feel very very very tired. My ex-boyfriend called and I realised how much I have gotten over him. At least I was able to talk to him in calm tones, my blood didn't turn cold when I talk to him. I guess to a certain extent, all these experiences taught me to be a better me. A more mature me. I love myself more because of this. And I thank God for giving me all this chances.

 

I am spending some time alone now, taking a look at what i want to do with my life. And I realised that I have lots to do, and probably a relationship is the last thing on my list that i should worry about. Enjoying life alone, finding joy, peace, calm should be my top priority.

 

And I take responsibility for that.

 

mel