Living Together And Not Sure WTH I Am Doing Here

[AnaFalaxis]

OK, this is gonna be long. Here goes...

 

Have known this guy practically my whole life... since we were kids. Never in a million years imagined being "involved" with him. Never thought of him that way. I got married. He got married. He got separated. I got unhappy. A series of situations presented themselves which resulted in us spending more time together than we had in years and one thing led to another. Fast forward about 18 months. I am divorced. We are living together with my children and his children. I love him. He loves me (and I do believe he does), but there are issues.

 

The first issue is that he is still not divorced. They have been separated for years but he has never filed. He doesn't appear to have any interest in reuniting, but he knows that I am bothered as hell that he's still married and I and my children are technically living with a married man. He told me a few months ago that he would be divorced by the end of the year, however he has still not filed. It didn't used to be a problem for me, but it is now and he knows how bothered I am by it.

 

The next issue is money. Essentially I have it and he doesn't. I am a millionaire (on paper) who earns several hundred thousand dollars a year, so needless to say my children and I have a pretty good life. His children and him now have a pretty good life too, by default. His business was wrecked by the economy and he is not working. I am not with him for money (obviously) and I don't think he's with me for money either, but I pay everything and when he gets any money in his pocket he keeps it for himself or spends it on his children. Not that I expect him to pay the bills and such, but it would be nice to feel like he felt the need to try to contribute. Yesterday, for example, he was walking around with several thousand dollars in his wallet but still used my credit card to buy me lunch. For some reason, that really chapped my ass.

 

Third issue is, um, of a personal nature. We have a decent sex life, but every single time we have sex I am the one who initiates it. Always. He certainly seems willing, but never, ever initiates sex. Additionally we have had an issue more than once (three times) of him enagaging in what I consider to be inappropriate sexual conversations via text messaging with female friends of his (some of whom he slept with in the past and some of whom he didn't). When I confronted him the first time, he swore that they meant nothing to him, that I was the only one who meant anything and that it was just talk. He swore it would never happen again. Well, it did. I don't think he's sleeping with these women, but I don't understand why he feels the need to do this, Again, after the last time he swears it will never happen again but I just don't quite believe that any more. Essentially I don't feel desired by him sexually. We went through a period several months ago where he basically wouldn't have sex with me. It was right around the time that the kids were all getting involved and he gave me some bull**** excuse about making sure it was right with the kids, etc... Whatever. I finally told him I had had enough and he came around. Not sure what that was about but I sure don't like it.

 

The biggest issue is that I don't feel that there is any family unity going on within our new blended family. His kids barely interact with mine, even though we are all living in the same house. He is very active in terms of hobbies and is gone a few nights a week "doing his thing". I have never been invited. Ever. We rarely sit down to dinner as a family, even though I am fanatical about that for my kids. His kids have no responsibilities and he says he understands that they need to have chores like mine do, but he does nothing to enforce it or back me up.

 

The bottom line here is that I love this man and I do think he loves me, but I also think he gets far more out of this relationship than I do. He gets a woman who genuinely cares about him and his kids and goes out of her way to show him how loved he is. He also gets a beautiful, million dollar home to live in, a maid several days a week, food on the table, bills paid, clothes for him and his children, etc... and I, um, get the pleasure of paying for it all. In return, I get a man who is still technically married, doesn't appear to feel the need to contribute at all financially on those occasions when he does have money, doesn't appear all that excited about having a sexual relationship with me, doesn't make me feel attractive and desired at all and makes me question whether he even wants to have a future with me. Not once has he ever made me feel like I come first or my feeling are of prime importance to him. He says all the right things when we discuss it, but his actions say otherwise.

 

Let me also say that I am not some unattractive, desperate woman who can't get any other man. I am extremely attractive, successful, polished and pretty together, although this relationship is making me question just about everything. My kids really love him and he's great with them. He makes me laugh. I find him really sexy and appealing, although he is not attractive at all in the conventional sense. Most people look at us and wonder what the hell I am doing with him and how he got so lucky. Can you say beauty and the beast?

 

Please help. Am I losing it? Is he playing me?

[january2011]

I'm very surprised that none of this was cleared up before he and his children moved into your house.

 

I'm leaning towards DTMFA. You've spoken to him about all these issues and he has not taken action. It's been 18 months. Forget what he says. Look again at what he does and how he poorly he treats you. "Love" is not enough nor is a lifetime of knowing. Nor is making you laugh and treating your kids well when he doesn't pull his financial weight, is emotionally unfaithful, keeps his social life separate, and is still married to another woman. All while living under your roof.

 

As I said, DTMFA.

[kae]

you have a kept man. His only source of power is his marriage. He will not divorce easily. I think you should not mention him getting a divorce EVER AGAIN, it wont get you anywhere. He said that by the end of this year he`ll do it.?? Well watch to see him keep his word or not. Silence is power.. stay quiet .. act like you dont care about it ..like whatever about it. DONT SAY THAT THOUGH! just stay quiet. he`s on a timer. thats all. And then, deal with it.

 

But you knew he was broke ass before he lived with you. you knew he was still married before he lived with you. i think you lack maturity as to the reality of being with this man. YOU created this bed hun... YOUR laying in it now. Im sorry these children are all involved in this talespin.

 

To get your man to intiate sex. dont ask. He`s a kept man. He is turning into a Submissive. This is a hard dynamic.

 

Why dont you try playing with it in a overt obvious way and he might get the message. treat him like you puppy man servant and he might rebel and get it together.. i dont know... just throwing it out there. lol

 

i feel for you..

[CC12]

Yesterday, for example, he was walking around with several thousand dollars in his wallet but still used my credit card to buy me lunch. For some reason, that really chapped my ass.

 

Yeah, that would chap my ass, too. Did you say anything about it?

 

Not that I expect him to pay the bills and such

 

Why don't you expect him to contribute to the bills? Is he a child? No, he's an adult who is responsible for himself and the care of his children, who happen to be living in your house. Did he just shift his parenting responsibilities over to you and then wash his hands of it? Did you offer that? Did you ever give him the impression that it would be acceptable for you to support him and his kids?

 

We rarely sit down to dinner as a family, even though I am fanatical about that for my kids. His kids have no responsibilities

 

I can see some problems with this. First, it seems like there's one set of rules or standards for your kids (they must sit down for dinner as a family, for example) and a different set of rules for the other kids, who have no responsibilities at all. I can imagine that your own kids will start feeling like they're being punished unfairly when they see the other kids in their house do whatever they please. You're creating a really weird dynamic in your own home.

 

You don't seem to realize that you are the head of the household and that you can impose any rules and responsibilities you want on anyone who lives under your roof. I mean, there's no need for you to go on a power trip or be a dick about it or anything, but a home needs to run smoothly, and it looks like it's up to you to make that happen. Everyone living there should operate under the same rules, including your loser boyfriend (sorry.)

[CarboniteCammy]

Can I be your husband?? ;-) hahaha!

 

i was in a situation with a slightly younger man 9 years ago who reminds me of your boyfriend. i paid the bills, kept the car running, paid for rent, groceries, food for his cat, and gave him spending money. I bought him clothes, shoes, underwear, video games... I was his sugar momma! He spent what little money he had on himself and drugs for himself.

 

He also got steamy texts from girls he used to know, as well as his ex fiancee, and I also got the old, "They mean nothing to me," song and dance.

 

One day, he wrecked our only means of transportation while he was under the influence out on a drug run.

 

I left him after that.

 

He tried to manipulate me and say that it was my fault he wrecked the car becuase I had upset him, and that the money was the most important thing to me, and that obviously he had never meant anything to me. He tried to say I was cheating on him (I wasn't) and that I was cruel for kicking his cat out too, because somehow that was also my responsiblity.

 

I worked two jobs to support us.

 

After all, what was he going to do with out me? I paid for EVERYTHING! He'd not have had a pot to pi$$ in if not for me! Of course he was throwing out all the stops.

 

I ignored him and let him cry and drink himself silly at his mother's house (she was a drug abuser/alcoholic, too) and I moved on with my life. I was just done.

 

It was an important life lesson for me, because I realized that two people have to be on somewhat equal footing to have a normal relationship. There has to be mutual respect and a sense of being a cohesive family unit in order for thanks to flow smoothly, and you guys don't sound like you have that.

 

You may not be ready to leave yet, but Once he drains your bank account or his kids start stealing from you and he backs them up, you'll change your tune.

[standtall]

Ana...IMHO, you're not losing it at all. The bulk of your post sounds like very common problems in blended families..they can be fixed as long as everyone is in it 100%..Is he playing you? Maybe...this

 

 

 

 

Third issue is, um, of a personal nature. We have a decent sex life, but every single time we have sex I am the one who initiates it. Always. He certainly seems willing, but never, ever initiates sex. Additionally we have had an issue more than once (three times) of him enagaging in what I consider to be inappropriate sexual conversations via text messaging with female friends of his (some of whom he slept with in the past and some of whom he didn't). When I confronted him the first time, he swore that they meant nothing to him, that I was the only one who meant anything and that it was just talk. He swore it would never happen again. Well, it did. I don't think he's sleeping with these women, but I don't understand why he feels the need to do this, Again, after the last time he swears it will never happen again but I just don't quite believe that any more. Essentially I don't feel desired by him sexually. We went through a period several months ago where he basically wouldn't have sex with me. It was right around the time that the kids were all getting involved and he gave me some bull**** excuse about making sure it was right with the kids, etc... Whatever. I finally told him I had had enough and he came around. Not sure what that was about but I sure don't like it.

 

 

indicates it and is a major problem...a deal breaker. It indicates all kinds of things, including that he is not in it 100%. No married man should be having these kinds of communications with a woman other than his wife, but there is the problem..you're not his wife, and I'm not sure if a lot of women in your shoes would become it. Caveat emptor..

[veryhappy]

He should offer to pay some procent of the expenses, proportionally wih what he makes. He probably feels it's the same for you financially, but the fact that he didn't even bother discuss it with you it's a red flag. Why don't you start the conversation?

 

The sex issues and texts are red flags too. I'd understand if he had a low libido that he's not initiating, but he initiates with other women...so it's not that.

 

I believe you'll be happier sending this man on his way.