what should children be told ?

[elcklan]

Right. It's considerate to lie to the children, much like the cheater lied to his/her family, children inclusive.

 

As far as the balance of red herrings, they need to be flushed down the toilet since they have absolutely nothing to do with my post.

Not disclosing all information to kids until they are adults is not a lie. For some reason it is all about cheater from your post. Why? What about kids? What good it will do to kids if you tell them about cheating? Will it make them happier or what?

[threebyfate]

Not disclosing all information to kids until they are adults is not a lie. For some reason it is all about cheater from your post. Why? What about kids? What good it will do to kids if you tell them about cheating? Will it make them happier or what?

Lying by omission is still lying. Haven't enough lies been told, enough deceptive behaviour happened? There's just no justifying the lies and deception or maybe there is, because it's beneficial to the deceptive liar and cheater.

 

If my current husband were to cheat, our two boys would be told. H. is well aware of this and has no issues since he has no plans to cheat, having sufficient moral fiber and also backbone, to remain monogamous.

[elcklan]

Lying by omission is still lying. Haven't enough lies been told, enough deceptive behaviour happened? There's just no justifying the lies and deception or maybe there is, because it's beneficial to the deceptive liar and cheater.

 

If my current husband were to cheat, our two boys would be told. H. is well aware of this and has no issues since he has no plans to cheat, having sufficient moral fiber and also backbone, to remain monogamous.

Why would you tell your kids and what effect it would have on them? Do you think it would benefit them? And if yes, how?

[threebyfate]

Why would you tell your kids and what effect it would have on them? Do you think it would benefit them? And if yes, how?

Apparently, the truth holds no value to you where the truth holds great value to me. I prefer to raise my children with truth, not lies.

[elcklan]

Apparently, the truth holds no value to you where the truth holds great value to me. I prefer to raise my children with truth, not lies.

My point of view is, that what is between partners is just between them and not kids, and parents problems exposed to kids ( not just cheating in fact ) will affect them negatively. I do not feel I lie to them, if I don't give details. So you say you benefit your kids by telling about cheating, because you raise them with truth..

[elcklan]

Ever been cheated on? Ever cheated on someone? Are you the child of a cheater?

 

I want to know where your opinions come from as others do.

Never was cheated on as far as I know or cheated on someone. As for the child of cheater don't know, if I am then parents kept away from me.

Now, have two friends who were cheated on and told their kids. In one family one started bedwetting, another having bad grades at high school and turning into conflicted person to a point, where teachers were calling from school and suspension. In another family big negativity towards men, like all men are pigs. Neither of mothers expected such to happen, so it is sad to read how some think they will benefit their kids exposing cheating their kids.

[JamesM]

I don't mean to thread jack either, but I need to clarify this....

 

To the poster, and I believe it was JamesM, who said that he believes the betrayed spouse contributes to the affair- please research the concept of the over benefitted partner.

 

 

*sorry for thread jack, it's just my personal peeve to see people blaming the betrayed spouse for "creating an atmosphere " that leads a cheater to cheat. Marriages often break down because one partner is a hot mess with bad boundaries- and since we cannot be responsible for other people, it is useless to apportion blame to the non- cheater in those situations.

 

Read my quote below. I don't know anything about your marriage, and I certainly would not say that all affairs are because of a poor marriage. Some are not. They are the result of mid-life crises and selfish mates.

 

But I know without a doubt that what I do in the marriage makes it either better or worse. I know that what my wife does makes it better or worse. I know that if our marriage breaks down, then I am certainly to blame... partially at minimum. I know that if our marriage is strong, then it is much less likely that either of us would consider an affair.

 

I take responsibility, because I know that I have the power to make or break my marriage. If I did not feel that, then I would not work at it.

 

I will repeat my quote, which I think was meant in the comment above.

 

And it assumes that the betrayed spouse has no part in the environment created which helped the cheater choose an affair. Speaking from experience in a nearly sexless marriage, it is extremely difficult for me to consider an affair because I have a strong emotional connection to my wife despite the lack of a physical connection. I would suggest that many affairs occur because of a weakness in the marriage environment. For a BS to tell the "harsh truth" (which invariably means that it is the truth as the BS sees it) is going to be a bit one-sided and hence a bit manipulative.

 

My marriage broke down. But not because of me.

 

That comment actually made me feel sad for you. I am sorry for all of the pain you endured to feel that helpless in your marriage. I never want to feel that I have no power to work at my marriage. If it is a good marriage, then I have had a part. If it is less than perfect (which it certainly is now), then I want to know that somehow I have the power to change it. While I don't have all of the answers, I at least have optimism and hope knowing that I am part of it and not completely helpless.

 

I know that one person can certainly ruin a marriage, but most of the time it is the bad marriages that break down...not the good ones.

 

As for what we tell the children, it should never be a lie, but telling the truth does not mean that all of the details need to be told to give a good explanation.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Lying by omission is still lying. Haven't enough lies been told, enough deceptive behaviour happened? There's just no justifying the lies and deception or maybe there is, because it's beneficial to the deceptive liar and cheater.

 

If my current husband were to cheat, our two boys would be told. H. is well aware of this and has no issues since he has no plans to cheat, having sufficient moral fiber and also backbone, to remain monogamous.

 

If you tell the young child there are adult problems that have nothing to do with them...obviously you've left something out. You've told the truth and the child knows you left something out because you made it clear that there is more to the story. No dishonesty at all. In mine and BH's case, the kids did not even ask for more info. The full story can come out when they are old enough to have interest, the ability, to understand (somewhere in the teens I would think)

 

This is very different from when a BS asks the WS, "Did anything else happen?", WS says, "No, we only had sex once in the back of a car"....and in reality it was 4 months of hotels and planned meetings.

 

I don't think it serves any purpose right now for my DD to know what happened right now; All it will do is distance her from her mother, and possibly me when she hears her mom's POV in response. It will serve to confuse, bewilder, stress, sadden, and anger her. It will not help her in relationships with boys because she is not old enough to date. It can only do HARM right now.

 

When she is a teen, she may start to wonder, speculate, know more about life and could understand. Since she will start dating, the info may start to be of use to her. At that point, my stance on telling the story changes, it starts to have a purpose.

 

*AGE APPROPRIATE TIMING*

 

ROund and round we gooo....

 

 

(oh and btw my father cheated on my mother...so I know this this story from two points of view)

Edited October 6, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Decorative]

I don't mean to thread jack either, but I need to clarify this....

 

 

 

Read my quote below. I don't know anything about your marriage, and I certainly would not say that all affairs are because of a poor marriage. Some are not. They are the result of mid-life crises and selfish mates.

 

But I know without a doubt that what I do in the marriage makes it either better or worse. I know that what my wife does makes it better or worse. I know that if our marriage breaks down, then I am certainly to blame... partially at minimum. I know that if our marriage is strong, then it is much less likely that either of us would consider an affair.

 

I take responsibility, because I know that I have the power to make or break my marriage. If I did not feel that, then I would not work at it.

 

I will repeat my quote, which I think was meant in the comment above.

 

 

 

 

 

That comment actually made me feel sad for you. I am sorry for all of the pain you endured to feel that helpless in your marriage. I never want to feel that I have no power to work at my marriage. If it is a good marriage, then I have had a part. If it is less than perfect (which it certainly is now), then I want to know that somehow I have the power to change it. While I don't have all of the answers, I at least have optimism and hope knowing that I am part of it and not completely helpless.

 

I know that one person can certainly ruin a marriage, but most of the time it is the bad marriages that break down...not the good ones.

 

As for what we tell the children, it should never be a lie, but telling the truth does not mean that all of the details need to be told to give a good explanation.

 

You haven't been part of infidelity- which is a lucky for you.

 

But the first thing you learn, or at least should learn? Is that you cannot affair proof your marriage, or do anything to prevent another person from

Making bad choices. You can't love them out of bad decisions, or fill a hole in their soul that existed long before you arrived on the scene. You can be the best spouse alive- and your spouse can still cheat on you. It sounds silly, but I never truly grasped that until all of this rained down on me. I am a by the rules girl. I have always tried hard to do the right thing, and to be a good person, and a good spouse. I thought it was an inoculation of sorts. And a hard part of deciding to reconcile was accepting that it was different. And that to reconcile, I would have to know that going forward.

 

My spouse tells me now- as he did then, that we had a great marriage, and I have always been a good and loving wife to him. The only time during the affair that we had a truly rough go was during the false recovery, when they were still in contact. Other than that- I would never have described it as a problem marriage. When I found out he was having an affair originally - I was absolutely shocked. And my story? Is very common. There are threads on the major infidelity boards about that type of situation almost everyday.

 

His affair was about him, not me. That's what all affairs really are- about the cheater. He was like a bucket with a hole

in the bottom, emotionally, and there was nothing I could do to fix that for him. He had to learn that. That was incredibly hard to accept. Our marriage broke down post affair, because of his choices.

 

Affairs happen in good marriages. You cannot stop another person from having an affair. That's a scary realization, but it's the truth.

 

But I'm not helpless, at least not for my own life. Please don't ever reference that again. I can be the best spouse I can be, and Ican have the confidence and ability to know far more now than I did then , and if it ever happened again, I would be gone. That's where not helpless comes in- in our ability as people to make choices.

 

But I do understand your position. It's what I would have said before all this happened to me. It really was.

Edited October 6, 2012 by Decorative

[standtall]

Ever been cheated on? Ever cheated on someone? Are you the child of a cheater?

 

I want to know where your opinions come from as others do.

 

 

And this is exactly why the BS's are not always in the best position to unilaterally determine what the children should know. It needs to be a joint decision..otherwise form an outside, unbiased, and unemotional point of view, it appears that the BS is manipulating their children and cloaking under the guise of "honesty".

[BetrayedH]

To be fair? I have been a goody two shoes my entire life and have always been offended by dishonesty. my spouse knew this about me, so it was an additional risk he chose to take. It wasn't a new development for me.

 

But I do agree- it is very difficult to navigate this situation. I chose differently than you did- but I also have done, with my spouse, the very best I could to put my children first.

 

Much like you, I suspect...If you ask just about anyone I know, they would say that I am the most honest person that they know.

 

I think you are correct that we just chose different paths. Sharing the full scope of the betrayal with my children gives me pause and I think it should. I researched it; I spoke with my children's therapist about it.

 

For the time being, I am waiting.

[HappyAtLast]

Thank you Duck, I am back to chuckling at you again.

 

As IF I would sit down with my sons now, decades after the fact, upset them, the entire family on something that may or may not be true (quite doubtful atually, pretty sure they are biologically mine, but we'll play out your little scenario).

 

Yep, that would make me father of the year, no? Taking the advice of some person on an internet board that has been dealt a blow in life, but has not yet experienced enough of life to know what it really means and completely annihilate my family's life because of it?

 

You are too funny, truly. Please carry on with your tirades and diatribes. You will heal eventually, I promise.

[BetrayedH]

If you are putting your children first, then shouldn't your children should be told some truth about what kind of mother they have so they can take steps to protect themselves from the man/men she invites into their home for sex while they're sleeping?

 

I think I'd rather go with honesty than have the sort of "trauma" that strange men coming into the home can potentially inflict.

 

Alice, I am most certainly wrestling with this because of exactly that. But I have a few different strategies I am mulling over. Warning my kids that mommy's late night visitors can be sexual predators isn't an optimal choice but it may be one I forced to make.

 

I spoke with my son about sexual predators about a year ago. It appears that a watered down version is going to have to happen with my 6 yo daughter. Normally I would discuss this with my spouse before doing so. WTF is the matter with this world?

[HappyAtLast]

As I said, Duck, as you age and experience more of life your perspective will most likely change on things. I am sure that is hard for you to imagine or maybe even understand at this point. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but infidelity is not even the worst thing that happens to folks in life.

 

One thing to consider though (and really no reason to respond), the fact that you think my sons will be angry with ME because their mother had affairs and I didn't tell them speaks volumes about how little you really understand about affairs, life and people in general.

 

Regardless, done with this this topic now.

Edited October 6, 2012 by HappyAtLast

[elcklan]

I think you are missing a basic understanding of something, the cheater is the one who first exposes the children to cheating.

 

It rarely stays secret and to assume it does is foolhardy. Children don't live in a bubble, they have to have an explanation.

I don't miss basic understanding. Chaeting happened, done. You can not change anything, telling kids won't change it. How you will handle situation after cheating is up to you and your spouse. But whatever road you take, it is your responsobility as a parent to make sure your kids will suffer as less as possible because of that. It is traumatic for you already, why kids need to know that?

[Decorative]

As I said, Duck, as you age and experience more of life your perspective will most likely change on things. I am sure that is hard for you to imagine or maybe even understand at this point. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but infidelity is not even the worst thing that happens to folks in life.

 

One thing to consider though (and really no reason to respond), the fact that you think my sons will be angry with ME because their mother had affairs and I didn't tell them speaks volumes about how little you really understand about affairs, life and people in general.

 

Regardless, done with this this topic now.

 

Infidelity ranks very highly on the stress scale of life. I have had some awful things happen to me, and infidelity, probably because it was willfully inflicted on me, was the hardest to recover from psychologically.

 

 

We lost a child a long time ago. Until the infidelity, I thought that was the worst thing I would ever have to face. I miss my son every single day of my life, but it's a different type of pain. My son's death was not a choice he made, so the trauma has different facets to it. My experience with infidelity and the feeling that it was the hardest thing to get over is not unique. Unfortunately.

 

I understand that you are older than some of us on here. That is a point you have made before. But age alone does not confer wisdom- it's the path you take along the way that does.

[standtall]

 

I understand that you are older than some of us on here. That is a point you have made before. But age alone does not confer wisdom- it's the path you take along the way that does.

 

Sure, but i think he has a lot more wisdom too offer than some of the posters here who spew their hate filled tirades that try to pull everyone down in their hate filled gutter with them. Some people want to watch other people's marriages and family fail just because theirs did, and it oozes out of every post.

 

Like I said, it is hard for the hurt and betrayed ones to keep an objective point of view about things such as affairs and what the children should now. That is why most courts are set up to be as objective as possible

[Decorative]

Sure, but i think he has a lot more wisdom too offer than some of the posters here who spew their hate filled tirades that try to pull everyone down in their hate filled gutter with them. Some people want to watch other people's marriages and family fail just because theirs did, and it oozes out of every post.

 

Like I said, it is hard for the hurt and betrayed ones to keep an objective point of view about things such as affairs and what the children should now. That is why most courts are set up to be as objective as possible

 

I think some betrayed spouses can handle it just fine.

 

Being betrayed doesn't incapacitate a person for life. That's a pretty broad brush you're painting with.

[Decorative]

If someone is older that does not make them wiser just for being older.

 

There are plenty of old fools on this planet, wanting a "pass" on their foolishness just because they grow old.

 

What do you think happens to all the unrepentant cheaters and evil doers? Ultimately they get old just like the rest of us. If they don't mend their ways, and many of them never do, being older doesn't make them wiser....it just makes them older.

 

A truly wise person, as they age and gain life experience, starts to understand that the older they get, the wider they perceive the universe through life experience, the less they really know about life's mysteries.

 

Fools however just grow older, repeating the same mistakes endlessly, and telling themselves the same lies, never achieving any personal growth.

 

I agree. That's why I said age does not confer wisdom. I always see- well, I'm older, as a qualifier that I ignore. I am more interested in the content of one's character and their actions, not the number of candles on their birthday cake.

[elcklan]

I think some betrayed spouses can handle it just fine.

 

Being betrayed doesn't incapacitate a person for life. That's a pretty broad brush you're painting with.

 

 

 

Quote:

 

Infidelity ranks very highly on the stress scale of life. I have had some awful things happen to me, and infidelity, probably because it was willfully inflicted on me, was the hardest to recover from psychologically.

 

 

We lost a child a long time ago. Until the infidelity, I thought that was the worst thing I would ever have to face. I miss my son every single day of my life, but it's a different type of pain. My son's death was not a choice he made, so the trauma has different facets to it. My experience with infidelity and the feeling that it was the hardest thing to get over is not unique. Unfortunately.

 

 

 

You don't seem to be honest with yourself. You are not healed from infidelity yet.

[elcklan]

Manipulative, and irrelevant.

 

Since you accused her of not being "honest" with herself, what do you think she said about herself that is untrue?

 

It is you who is being dishonest here.

Manipulative? Give me a break. Two posts at the same day, presenting totally different emotions and experiences about the same thing. It is called denial.

[Decorative]

elklan-

 

Please don't presume to know anything about where I am in a process you have previously stated you have no personal experience with, and do not question my veracity.

 

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

[threebyfate]

My point of view is, that what is between partners is just between them and not kids, and parents problems exposed to kids ( not just cheating in fact ) will affect them negatively. I do not feel I lie to them, if I don't give details. So you say you benefit your kids by telling about cheating, because you raise them with truth..

WSs cheat not only on their spouses but also, on their children. In essence, they've chosen to cheat on the family unit.

 

Why wouldn't it be beneficial to the children to understand the cheater? In doing so, instead of putting their entire trust in someone who could easily betray them again in the future for personal gain since they've already done so, it provides the children with full knowledge, hence capability to guard against.

 

Had cheaters been concerned about their children, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

 

Honestly, talk about twisted webs of deception and self-deception. To believe the world owes the cheater a cover. Better that sun, light and air are allowed in so that the mushrooms of deception aren't allowed to proliferate and fester in the dark, dank, putrid place they reside.

[elcklan]

elklan-

 

Please don't presume to know anything about where I am in a process you have previously stated you have no personal experience with, and do not question my veracity.

 

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

I'll cooperate with you. Anyway since it is not about kids I don't really care.

[elcklan]

WSs cheat not only on their spouses but also, on their children. In essence, they've chosen to cheat on the family unit.

 

Why wouldn't it be beneficial to the children to understand the cheater? In doing so, instead of putting their entire trust in someone who could easily betray them again in the future for personal gain since they've already done so, it provides the children with full knowledge, hence capability to guard against.

 

Had cheaters been concerned about their children, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

 

Honestly, talk about twisted webs of deception and self-deception. To believe the world owes the cheater a cover. Better that sun, light and air are allowed in so that the mushrooms of deception aren't allowed to proliferate and fester in the dark, dank, putrid place they reside.

 

Seriously, tired of that cheating! Important are kids, screw cheaters. Again, telling your kids that his/her parent is cheating is not good.