what should children be told ?

[threebyfate]

Seriously, tired of that cheating! Important are kids, screw cheaters. Again, telling your kids that his/her parent is cheating is not good.

Seriously, not telling your children about cheating is bad and wrong.

[elcklan]

Seriously, not telling your children about cheating is bad and wrong.

Well if this will happen to you, let me know what effect it had on your kids down the road.

[threebyfate]

Well if this will happen to you, let me know what effect it had on your kids down the road.

Perhaps you can explain the benefits to the children for cheating on them?

[elcklan]

Perhaps you can explain the benefits to the children for cheating on them?

Is this thread about benefits of cheating?

[threebyfate]

Is this thread about benefits of cheating?

This thread is about the children. What are the benefits to the children for cheating on them?

[elcklan]

This thread is about the children. What are the benefits to the children for cheating on them?

Now you talk about children, before it was all about cheating from your posts. This thread is about how much children should be told about their parents cheating.

[BetrayedH]

Seriously, not telling your children about cheating is bad and wrong.

 

You can teach your kids about fidelity (and infidelity) without telling them that their mother is a cheater.

[threebyfate]

Now you talk about children, before it was all about cheating from your posts. This thread is about how much children should be told about their parents cheating.

It's all causal. Better to be honest with the children.

 

You can teach your kids about fidelity (and infidelity) without telling them that their mother is a cheater.

Why enable further deception? Don't the children deserve to know the truth?

 

I suspect much of this surrounds how much individuals value honest relationships, whether with their partners or their children. If deception gets people what they want, they'll continue this coping strategy.

[HappyAtLast]

 

We lost a child a long time ago. Until the infidelity, I thought that was the worst thing I would ever have to face. I miss my son every single day of my life, but it's a different type of pain. My son's death was not a choice he made, so the trauma has different facets to it. My experience with infidelity and the feeling that it was the hardest thing to get over is not unique. Unfortunately.

 

I understand that you are older than some of us on here. That is a point you have made before. But age alone does not confer wisdom- it's the path you take along the way that does.

 

I also lost a child. This whole infidelity business did not even come close to the pain of that. The pain of infidelity will fade, at some point as you get further from it, you honestly will feel nothing about it. Call me wise, call me stupid, it really does not matter to me. But i am experienced. At some point, this infidelity will feel like a lifetime ago to you, sometimes almost as though it happened to a different person. The death of my daughter however (in case anyone would like to question that, I have it on good fact that she was my daughter), as i am sure you feel about your son, still pains me each and every day.

[elcklan]

It's all causal. Better to be honest with the children.

 

Why enable further deception? Don't the children deserve to know the truth?

 

I suspect much of this surrounds how much individuals value honest relationships, whether with their partners or their children. If deception gets people what they want, they'll continue this coping strategy.

 

No it is not causal.

You don't have to enable further deception. If children will know it, it doesn't guarantee you the deception stops or won't occur again.

[AnotherRound]

Why are people saying that a WS cheated on their children? Did the WS have secret other children stashed around that he/she was visiting on the sly? Parenting them? Playing ball with them?

 

Seriously, the WS cheated on only one relationship in the marriage - that of his/her spouse. To try to make it into the WS cheated on their children too seems very selfish and manipulative. The BS trying to make something that happened to him/her seem as if it also happened to the children in order to have an ally? In order to try to make the WS feel guilty about the children? Heck, in a lot of cases, the children are the ONLY reason the WS is still in the "marriage" at all.

 

Going outside of an intimate relationship with your spouse is simply that - it is not about the children and the WSs relationship with them - it is about the intimate and adult relationship between the two spouses, period. Please, don't make the children responsible for carrying the burden of the BSs pain and anger - it isn't about the children, their WS parent still loves them and still has a relationship with them. Completely separate from the relationship between the 2 spouses.

 

And for those who think that intimate relationship is the business of the children - do you allow the children to see sexual intimacy between the spouses? If not, why not? Since it IS their business, and you think that they need the truth. Do you talk to the children about the sex? About what you argue about intimately with your spouse? If someone wants ALL honesty, then actually give ALL honesty - not just when it benefits you to try to make an ally out of an innocent child who was NOT betrayed by their parent simply bc you were (general, nobody in particular).

 

Ask any professional and you will hear the same thing over and over. Children should not be included in adult issues. It is too overwhelming for them, they are not physically able to process, and it will do nothing positive. It will cause anxiety which will lead to acting out behaviors and other issues. Seriously, you don't have to believe me - but at least find some information on this issue before you go blabbering to children about things that they are going to bend themselves in pretzels trying to understand and make sense of before they are even capable of understanding it.

 

And search deep, bc I'm not one bit convinced that some want to tell the children bc they want the child to "judge" the other parent just as they did. If I was the WS and my SO did this, I would want to know if my BS was ready for me to drag out all the things that the BS didn't do "right" in my eyes too. Because, if you want your children to judge one parent, be prepared for them to judge you too - especially when they get older and can see things clearly. You might be surprised at who they "blame" for the issue - and that would serve you right for dragging them into it anyway.

[threebyfate]

No it is not causal.

You don't have to enable further deception. If children will know it, it doesn't guarantee you the deception stops or won't occur again.

Sure it's causal. To suggest it's not would be delusional.

 

If the cheater loved their children, why would they cheat on them in the first place? Why the sudden concern about their children? If the betrayed spouse were to enable the deception by lying to the children too, then they are just as guilty of lying to their children, as the cheater is guilty. So, what happens when the children learn about the deception of both their parents? What are you teaching your children when they find out their entire lives have been based on deception?

 

Each lie is one more in a tangled weave of deception. No thanks. Emotionally healthy, honest relationships create emotionally healthy, honest children who grow up to be emotionally healthy, honest adults.

[BetrayedH]

It's all causal. Better to be honest with the children.

 

Why enable further deception? Don't the children deserve to know the truth?

 

I suspect much of this surrounds how much individuals value honest relationships, whether with their partners or their children. If deception gets people what they want, they'll continue this coping strategy.

 

I suspect you are wrong. The fact os the matter is that honesty is not the only virtue. Protecting my children from trauma is also a virtue. My kids have had enough trauma via their parents separating and divorcing. They know their mother caused it. That's plenty trauma on its own. My children get no benefit from me exposing their mother as a cheater. They cannot change their mother. In this case, I cannot both protect them from trauma and be brutally honest with them. I have to choose. It's an ethical dilemma. I am not somehow deficient in my character because I choose to protect them. I understand plenty about honesty and don't appreciate your insulting inference to the contrary.

 

Some might argue that your need to punish the cheater is so paramount in your pyschologically damaged mind that you have lost sight of the fact that this is no longer about the cheater; it's about the children. And they can be taught those lessons without disparaging their parent, just like I would have taught them before infidelity ever entered my life.

[threebyfate]

I suspect you are wrong. The fact os the matter is that honesty is not the only virtue. Protecting my children from trauma is also a virtue. My kids have had enough trauma via their parents separating and divorcing. They know their mother caused it. That's plenty trauma on its own. My children get no benefit from me exposing their mother as a cheater. They cannot change their mother. In this case, I cannot both protect them from trauma and be brutally honest with them. I have to choose. It's an ethical dilemma. I am not somehow deficient in my character because I choose to protect them. I understand plenty about honesty and don't appreciate your insulting inference to the contrary.

 

Some might argue that your need to punish the cheater is so paramount in your pyschologically damaged mind that you have lost sight of the fact that this is no longer about the cheater; it's about the children. And they can be taught those lessons without disparaging their parent, just like I would have taught them before infidelity ever entered my life.

How psychologically damaging would it be for the children to find out later on in life that both their parents deceived them?

[Decorative]

I also lost a child. This whole infidelity business did not even come close to the pain of that. The pain of infidelity will fade, at some point as you get further from it, you honestly will feel nothing about it. Call me wise, call me stupid, it really does not matter to me. But i am experienced. At some point, this infidelity will feel like a lifetime ago to you, sometimes almost as though it happened to a different person. The death of my daughter however (in case anyone would like to question that, I have it on good fact that she was my daughter), as i am sure you feel about your son, still pains me each and every day.

 

It's been 16 years since my son passed.

 

I am very clear, emotionally, how I am about how I feel.

 

It is offensive for you to tell me otherwise. I was careful to state how *I* felt about it. I respect that your experience was different. But your personality is very different than mine, as demonstrated on these boards.

 

My husband and I are reconciled. I know how I feel about infidelity, and I realize that time fades the pain to a silvery scar, always present, but not influencing my every day.

 

But the path to recover from that was far harder than the path to dealing with my son's death. For me. I have also spoken to other betrayed spouses with both experiences, and they concurred with me- even after decades . That does not make that the only result, or the only outcome- but your view, as a person who was cheated on and then cheated- is not applicable to me. Do not tell me where I will end up- because we aren't walking on the same street.

 

I know you consider yourself older and wiser. But it's not wiser to tell someone else how they feel about the situation, two situations actually, that they have worked like crazy to overcome.

Edited October 6, 2012 by Decorative

[AnotherRound]

I suspect you are wrong. The fact os the matter is that honesty is not the only virtue. Protecting my children from trauma is also a virtue. My kids have had enough trauma via their parents separating and divorcing. They know their mother caused it. That's plenty trauma on its own. My children get no benefit from me exposing their mother as a cheater. They cannot change their mother. In this case, I cannot both protect them from trauma and be brutally honest with them. I have to choose. It's an ethical dilemma. I am not somehow deficient in my character because I choose to protect them. I understand plenty about honesty and don't appreciate your insulting inference to the contrary.

 

Some might argue that your need to punish the cheater is so paramount in your pyschologically damaged mind that you have lost sight of the fact that this is no longer about the cheater; it's about the children. And they can be taught those lessons without disparaging their parent, just like I would have taught them before infidelity ever entered my life.

 

I wish I could like this a thousand times! This is exactly it. The goal is to cause as minimal more trauma as possible. The children will not escape all trauma, but just heaping it on is outrageous!

 

I'm SO glad that you talked to professionals and thought about this and weighed it out. Unfortunately, apparently not everyone does and they just drag the kids in to audience very adult issues. I can't even... with that mindset. Ugh, it sickens me, honestly, the harm that is being done all in the name of "honesty". *sigh*

 

This is the black and white thinking again. Everything is all one way or all another. You either are all honest (even if it's detrimental, inappropriate, etc.), or you are a LIAR. No gray, no in -between, no common sense.

 

Again, SO thankful that your children have you and that you are handling this correctly. I would have the talk about physical boundaries with them very soon, and would reiterate that you would ALWAYS believe them about this issue no matter what, so that they know that they can come to you. It's kind of like pre-brainwashing them to know they will be believed before any abusers can get to them and brainwash them the other way Also, if you need help (I think you said you have a counselor?), a counselor is great, and there are a lot of books available to help with this talk.

 

I would LOVE to check back in 10 years and see how your kids adjusted vs how the ones who were told "honestly" are adjusted. No, I take that back - I would be very saddened by the unnecessary damage done to the ones who were at the mercy of people who believed them to be "just miniature adults"

[HappyAtLast]

 

I know you consider yourself older and wiser. But it's not wiser to tell someone else how they feel about the situation, two situations actually, that they have worked like crazy to overcome.

 

My apologies if I have offended you. I wish you well in all of your recoveries.

[Decorative]

My apologies if I have offended you. I wish you well in all of your recoveries.

 

Thank you.

[HappyAtLast]

Thank you.

 

For whatever it is worth, while I AM old, I don't necessarily think I am wise. I am just a man who tried to do the best he could for his family.

 

It is very frustrating for me here to be told that the actions that I took all of those years ago were "wrong" and that my feelings on how I handled things are "wrong". For those of us here who are parents, I believe in my heart that each and every one of us wants to do the right thing for our children. In my case, that does not necessarily involve dredging up old stories from sixty years ago. And, frankly, that story is not mine to tell, it is their mother's should she choose to do so.

 

Honestly, I don't think I am wise when it comes to this kind of thing. I can only tell my story, my actions that worked for my family, in my specific case. They may not work for someone else, in their specific case. But I can hope, for the folks new to this hell of infidelity, hearing different solutions and different people's stories may help them in their recovery and with their decision making.

 

Again, though, I truly am sorry for trying to paint your particular situation with my brush. Everyone's situation and feelings are different.

[threebyfate]

For whatever it is worth, while I AM old, I don't necessarily think I am wise. I am just a man who tried to do the best he could for his family.

 

It is very frustrating for me here to be told that the actions that I took all of those years ago were "wrong" and that my feelings on how I handled things are "wrong". For those of us here who are parents, I believe in my heart that each and every one of us wants to do the right thing for our children. In my case, that does not necessarily involve dredging up old stories from sixty years ago. And, frankly, that story is not mine to tell, it is their mother's should she choose to do so.

 

Honestly, I don't think I am wise when it comes to this kind of thing. I can only tell my story, my actions that worked for my family, in my specific case. They may not work for someone else, in their specific case. But I can hope, for the folks new to this hell of infidelity, hearing different solutions and different people's stories may help them in their recovery and with their decision making.

 

Again, though, I truly am sorry for trying to paint your particular situation with my brush. Everyone's situation and feelings are different.

I have to question this. If you believe that everyone's situation is unique and then, choose not to disclose the issues, why do you feel that actions taken would be useful or even a good idea to follow, to other individuals with individual situations and personalities?

[HappyAtLast]

I have to question this. If you believe that everyone's situation is unique and then, choose not to disclose the issues, why do you feel that actions taken would be useful or even a good idea to follow, to other individuals with individual situations and personalities?

 

I am not sure I exactly follow your question, but this board is a place for folks who have been touched by infidelity to share their experiences and opinions. They then need to take what they can from those shared experiences and make the decisions that are right for them. I do not advocate anyone following my actions, I just can tell you that I believe they were the correct ones in my particular situation.

 

Not sure I have have answered your question?

[HappyAtLast]

:(I lost a child too and a parent, for me the infidelity was worse. I at least there is some form of closure with death...infidelity is one of the few gifts that keeps on giving. At some point I am sure it might not...but for now...Life experiences for all of us are different and how we handle those experiences will be different. Just my take.

 

Thank you for sharing that perspective. While I can't profess to understand it, I do have complete respect for it. I am truly sorry for your loss.

[The dot]

there is a thread re: infidelity and custody of children on here, and there have been some really good discussion points raised in it, but I don't want to take that thread off topic so i started a new thread...here goes)

 

do you think children should be told if mom or dad had an affair? what if they find out in other ways besides from a parent...what should they be told then?

 

I'm not suggesting that a child be sat down and given all the nasty details, but should they be told anything about the cheating? If the ask outright, should they be lied to to protect their view of the parent who is cheating?

 

In my own situation, I tried not to tell them...when they asked where daddy was, I lied and told them he was away with the army on field exercises again. I hated lying to them, but I also didn't want them to think badly of him, so i chose what i thought to be the lesser of two evils.

Turns out, they found out from my friend's daughter ( who was their friend) what was going on. She'd overheard her mom and dad talking about it one night after they thought she was in bed asleep, and she told my daughters. They asked me, and i told them I couldn't talk about it, but they knew I had lied to them...I wish I hadn't, but nothing can change that now. Part of it was that I didn't want them to think badly of their dad, and part of it was that they had enough issues of their own without adding his to the equation.

 

Looking back,I should have handled that differently. I think sometimes we ( in general) shield our kids too much. I also figure it's the same with arguing in front of your kids ( I'm talking about an argument, not a fight,nor insulting or being hurtful to one another, and definitely nothing physical). We do sometimes argue in front of them, but we also make sure they see us making up and being happy again. That way, they will see that it's okay for a husband and wife to disagree on some things and to argue sometimes...it doesn't mean they don't love each other or that they can't be together

 

I haven't read the rest of the thread, but I'm going to reply to this anyway.

 

KIDS ARE NOT STUPID. I went through this as a kid, so I know. They know what's going on, they know if their parents have had an affair. They know what it means when daddy doesn't come home for two days, then arrives home with flowers and mommy seems angry to see him. They hear all the screaming matches that go on late at night after you've sent them to bed. They know what it means when daddy suddenly seems really awkward around mommy.

 

If you are being cheated on, having kids is all the more reason to LEAVE TODAY. Every day you stay and put up with it will cause your children to lose respect for you.

[BetrayedH]

How psychologically damaging would it be for the children to find out later on in life that both their parents deceived them?

 

Not terribly damaging considering that I can explain that you were freakin' six years old at the time. In fact, they might even respect my kind nature considering that I most definitely could have slammed their mother to them but had the good sense not to do it. They would see me as a wise individual and parent, just like they do today. They might even respect me more for waiting until they were smart enough to get the idea that it's a difficult ethical dilemma and I chose the higher road rather than the brutally honest one to which I was entitled. They might just see that I made a sacrifice for them instead of being a vengeful BS as I was entitled to do.

[Decorative]

Why say the words "higher road" and "vengeful"?

 

Why attribute nefarious motives to a different path?