Just a Woman Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 To explain my situation, last weekend my boyfriend and I were out playing pool. I kept noticing him texting someone but I could never see who it was. After seeing him text all day, I finally watched him send a message and checked the time. Later when he was passed out, I went through his phone and there was a message from some girl that said something about being happy he made it home okay but nowhere in his messages was one sent at the time I noted before and all other messages from this girl were deleted. This basically opened a huge can of worms. I was talking with my mom about what happened and she proceeded to tell me that when she had shared the news that I had called off our wedding earlier in the year that my cousin told her "good because he is a dog". Then proceeded to tell her that his girlfriends daughter told them that they had been chatting back and forth etc. I asked him about the situation and he said they had talked via text but nothing ever happened. I really didn't feel satisfied with that answer, so I confronted her about the situation. She told me that he had been texting her and invited her to his friends house (where he was staying last year for a night to help his buddy with some renovations) and that she went out there and they made out but didn't have sex. She described his friends house and everything. I again confronted my b/f about it and he again said no. He then began texting her while I was on the phone with her talking about the situation and said to her "If it comes up, can you please just tell them we never met up, Please. She is pregnant and I really don't want this screwed up for no reason". The girl forwarded me all the messages and I forwarded them to my bf. After all this he swears that he was drinking heavily and if she came over and they kissed that he doesn't remember. It makes zero sense that he would send her that message if he didn't remember it happening. I know he isn't telling me the truth because he thinks I will leave him. Since then, he has deleted his facebook, given me access to his phone, email and even suggested that I check the mileage in his car every day or GPS his cell phone so I can know where he is at all times. He's apologized for even talking to any other girls but will NOT fess up to knowing what he did. I feel like he wants to make it work with us and that he will genuinely continue to give me access to everything but I just don't know if I can move on from this if he won't ADMIT what he did. What do I do? Do I let him work to regain my trust or do I move on if he can't be straight forward about what really happened?? Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 What do I do? Do I let him work to regain my trust or do I move on if he can't be straight forward about what really happened?? I know what you will do--make both your lives miserable by staying with him and trying to badger the confession you want out of him day in and day out. Not saying that's the smart thing to do, but clearly its the path you are going to take. What exactly does a confession give you? You know he cheated in some form or another and you know he's dishonest. You don't need a confession or a videotape of him plowing some chick to make your decision. The fate of this relationship is no longer up to him, its up to you and you have all the information you need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 Well you already know he cheated on you at least once. Are you able to forgive that? If he really wanted to be an open book, he would fess up about everything he has done. He is still hiding things. You are pregnant with his child? I don't think this is salvagable unless your boyfriend tells you the whole truth, how are you expected to make a decision with only a fraction of the information? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Just a Woman Posted October 4, 2012 Author Share Posted October 4, 2012 The only thing that gives me slight hope that he never did anything with anyone else is that in the text she said to him "I'm sure if we hung out that you were hanging out with other girls, too" and he told her he didn't hang out with anyone else. Could've been covering his bum so who knows. The not fessing up is a big problem. If I thought he were spilling everything then maybe we could rebuild. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 The only thing that gives me slight hope that he never did anything with anyone else is that in the text she said to him "I'm sure if we hung out that you were hanging out with other girls, too" and he told her he didn't hang out with anyone else. Could've been covering his bum so who knows. The not fessing up is a big problem. If I thought he were spilling everything then maybe we could rebuild. He's giving you access to everything. Now the ball is in your court. Is this something you can handle and move past, or will you spend the rest of your relationship freaking out about it? There are no wrong answers. If you can't forgive (forgive..not forget) and drop it, then you should break up. If you think you can, then you have to follow through on that. You can't drag it out during fights, or badger him for answers. You have to truly let it go. I had a boyfriend who posted dirty things online. He never met up with anyone, but it still hurt like h*ll. He answered all of my questions, we talked it all out, and I decided to continue with the relationship. You can't hold it against him forever..if you do, the relationship won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
venusianx13 Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 What bothers me the most is his profuse denial of what he did. You had pretty solid evidence, and still, he denies it. What I don't like about that is such that it's hard to believe he's actually sorry. Being sincerely remorseful consists of three things: owning up, a sincere apology, and asking what can be done to make it better. I'm so sorry for the position you're in. I hope you find the answers you're looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 What bothers me the most is his profuse denial of what he did. You had pretty solid evidence, and still, he denies it. What I don't like about that is such that it's hard to believe he's actually sorry. Being sincerely remorseful consists of three things: owning up, a sincere apology, and asking what can be done to make it better. I'm so sorry for the position you're in. I hope you find the answers you're looking for. I agree with this..but I do understand the psychology behind it because my ex was the same way. Her bf thinks that if he does confess, it will hurt her more than lying about it, so he keeps it from her because he thinks he's protecting her. I've actually known a lot of men who are like this. I think it's worse to lie..but they don't. They don't give us enough credit to figure out the truth apparently. Stupid but true. Link to post Share on other sites
CheezDoodle Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 He refuses to admit what he did. Despite his "efforts", he isn't being honest with you. If there isn't honesty in your relationship, you will always wonder, guard your heart in self defense, and you relationship will never grow. Who cares if he's sorry now? He'll probably do it down the road, and deny that as well while telling you he loves you. Everyone feels sorry RIGHT after they get caught. I would just leave him if I were you, and find someone who doesn't find cheating acceptable in any shape or form. He probably thinks because he didn't have sex with that girl, he didn't do anything too bad. That is not the kind if person you want to be with, nevertheless get married to. If for some bizarre odd reason (don't let your emotions cloud your rationale judgement) you want to give him a chance, sit him down and ask him once more, straight out what happened. If he lies about alcohol or whatever, you tell him you're leaving him. He'll probably start confessing his sins right then and there, but stay strong and leave. The reason people can never end a bad relationship is because their partner always puts on their most desperate pleas to keep them and seem so genuine. And once they know they have you again, they revert to their old behavior and the cycle repeats until years pass and you hate yourself for wasting so much time/money/effort into a relationship that stopped satisfying you a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 So here you are pregnant and out playing pool with this jerk, and the d*ckhead has the audacity to be texting some girl all night???? Are you not getting the LEVEL of disrespect here? And then when you're forced to lower yourself to call this girl to get the truth, this jerk is texting her and begging her to lie to you as you're TALKING to her??? Then you forward the texts to him to SHOW him that you know he was doing it so he tries to lie and claim he was 'drunk' the night he INVITED her over? OMG what a dirtbag. The guy is a lying sack, so of COURSE he's going to tell this girl that he "didn't hang out with anyone else." He sounds as though he'd jump on anything with a pulse if it would have him. You obviously called your wedding off for a reason, so this guy has a history of being a dirtbag. What you're seeing is jut MORE of the same crap you'll CONTINUE to see over and over and over again. Unfortunately, you're tied to him in some capacity for life now, because of this baby. I feel bad for you. I totally missed the part where she said she was pregnant. YUCK! What is wrong with this douche? Would he go to couples counseling? Because you need to at least get along for the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
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