GF has pain after short periods of sexual inactivity

[zsk5386]

Hey all,

 

I've been dating a girl for over 2 years long distance, so we only get to see each other around once a month (on weekends). We're both in our mid twenties.

 

Typically, when she arrives, it's on a Friday night after she's worked a full day and she's very tired. Often, we'll try having sex Friday night after her arrival, or Saturday, but she often says that it's uncomfortable for her or hurts due to the last month of sexual inactivity. After we do have sex, she often can't have sex again for at least two days because of leftover soarness.

 

Likewise, if we attempt to do any clitoral stimulation during sex, with my fingers, her fingers, or a vibrator, she says it's "too much sensation" and can't handle it. Since she doesn't cum vaginally, clitoral stimulation is the only way she can orgasm, so I would think she'd be all about clit stimulation during sex.

 

Is it typical for women to have pain after a month or two of sexual inactivity? My experience with other long distance relationships and speaking to female friends about random issues has been the opposite, that women can go for really extended periods (many months) and then have sex with basically no problem (if they aren't virgins). And, after that period, when they do have pain, it's "good" pain. I know tiredness after a full day of work can be a factor, but I'm also beginning to wonder if she's just not that into it/me, which can be a huge factor.

 

I've also never really heard of it being too much sensation for a woman to have clitoral stimulation during sex when that's their only method of orgasm (they aren't building to a vaginal orgasm simultaneously). Is that typical?

 

Any ideas would be appreciated.

Edited October 4, 2012 by zsk5386

[zsk5386]

101 views and no responses? Women out there -- what have your experiences been like if you've gone for longer than 3 weeks without sex the next time you have sex?

[CarrieT]

I am in my late 40s (very experienced) and have had a number of times in my life where I have gone long stretches in between intercourse.

 

During a troublesome 11-year relationship, we might have sex once every three or four months. At the end of a two-year relationships where the last 18 months was sexless, I had an additional two year bout of celibacy.

 

In none of these instances was it painful for me to have intercourse again. Yes, I might get a little raw from having sex after the first hour or so, but I was fine the next day - never in pain a day or two later!

 

I would heartily suggest to your GF to see a doctor about this issue, IF - in fact - it is truly physical. Honestly, you are in a long distance relationship so you haven't had the benefit of daily interaction and so your communication (I imagine via Skype) is a different level of openness than those who are in each others actual presence.

 

Also, do you openly talk about your sexuality with one another? It might be that your sexual needs are mis-matched. Many people experience this and while the rest of the relationship is great, if you have different sexual needs and interests, to keep the relationship going, it is not uncommon for a person to have a psychosomatic reaction; i.e., her "pain" is a sub-conscious reaction to her not truly desiring as much sex as you do but she is unable to adequately express it in words. The fact that you two are in your 20s is a clue in this deduction as many girls in their 20s are not fully able to express their sexual needs and desires (or have yet to fully develop them)!

 

I hope this helps.

[crazylove]

I don't think this is normal either. Defo get checked up at the doc's as there could be an underlying reason for this...either physically or mentally.

I've gone for long periods of time also (at one point years!) and didn't feel pain when I had sex again (maybe a bit sore after a particularly vigorous session lol), but never from the period of inactivity.

[zsk5386]

Thanks for your responses. This is really helpful.

 

What about the soarness afterwards? Is it typical to feel soar after sex and need a day or two to recoup? We always try to use plenty of lube and I try to make sure there's plenty of foreplay, but she almost always still feels soar the next day afterwards, sometimes for two or more days.

 

Also, have you guys ever been unable to have clitoral stimulation during sex because of sensitivity? If so, if you remedied it, how so?

Edited October 5, 2012 by zsk5386

[CC12]

What about the soarness afterwards? Is it typical to feel soar after sex and need a day or two to recoup?

 

Alright. I'm going to try to explain this by using a (probably gross and definitely ridiculous) analogy. You know how when your lips are really chapped and you open your mouth really wide to take a bite of a giant sandwich? And then the corners of your mouth kind of split open and tear a little bit? Then for the next few days, every time you open your mouth wide enough, it hurts a little. But if you're really hungry and craving a giant sandwich again, that little bit of pain is not going to stop you from enjoying a delicious sandwich.

 

Or if you're just not that big of a fan of sandwiches, when presented with the opportunity, you just go, "Meh. It kind of hurt last time so I'm not really into the idea." Which is kind of unfair to the sandwich. I mean, the sandwich just wants you to eat it, you know? If you just don't like sandwiches very much, the sandwich deserves your honesty, so just be like, "Yeah, sorry, I just don't like sandwiches. Nothing personal."

 

Or if you really, really want to eat a sandwich and you physically can't, then maybe you have Tetanus or something and should go see a doctor for it.

 

Did I help?

[justwhoiam]

she's very tired

she often says that it's uncomfortable for her or hurts due to the last month of sexual inactivity. After we do have sex, she often can't have sex again for at least two days because of leftover soarness.

Likewise, if we attempt to do any clitoral stimulation during sex, with my fingers, her fingers, or a vibrator, she says it's "too much sensation" and can't handle it.

Ok. Read the above. She is uncomfortable. But you are overlooking that.

 

Is it typical for women to have pain after a month or two of sexual inactivity?

I don't know if it's typical, but it can happen.

 

I know tiredness after a full day of work can be a factor, but I'm also beginning to wonder if she's just not that into it/me, which can be a huge factor.

She's communicating with you, you're just overlooking whatever she's saying. Stop asking about other people. Every woman is unique, start considering your girlfriend as unique and not one of the bunch.

 

We always try to use plenty of lube

Why do you need plenty of lube? Have you wondered why? I've never used lube my whole life, as I've always been enough lubricated. So I assume she's not. That could either be a physical problem or a psychological one. When you're not ready mentally, most of the time the vagina won't be ready either.

[CarrieT]

Why do you need plenty of lube? Have you wondered why? I've never used lube my whole life, as I've always been enough lubricated. So I assume she's not. That could either be a physical problem or a psychological one. When you're not ready mentally, most of the time the vagina won't be ready either.

I'm going to reiterate this point.

 

The only women - usually - who need a lot of lube are

 

1. older women who are past menopause
   
2. very inexperienced women who are just starting to be sexually active, and
   
3. VERY sexually active women (i.e. porn actresses or the insatiable) who are happy having hours and hour of sex. I have been like that - in my second or third hour of sexual contact, I might need some lube.
   

Usually if a normal woman is adequately stimulated and interested, the need for lube will be minimal and you certainly should need "lots of it." Unless you are REALLY large...

[Els]

It is absolutely possible for clitoral stimulation to be 'too intense', depending on what exactly you are doing to the clitoris. It's an extremely sensitive organ, and different women have different 'optimal' levels of stimulation. If she finds your finger, vibrator, etc, 'too intense', perhaps try... less intensity? You might be putting way more pressure or friction on than she actually needs to orgasm, and I know for a fact that some vibrators absolutely are 'too intense' for me.

[Emilia]

Alright. I'm going to try to explain this by using a (probably gross and definitely ridiculous) analogy. You know how when your lips are really chapped and you open your mouth really wide to take a bite of a giant sandwich? And then the corners of your mouth kind of split open and tear a little bit? Then for the next few days, every time you open your mouth wide enough, it hurts a little. But if you're really hungry and craving a giant sandwich again, that little bit of pain is not going to stop you from enjoying a delicious sandwich.

 

Or if you're just not that big of a fan of sandwiches, when presented with the opportunity, you just go, "Meh. It kind of hurt last time so I'm not really into the idea." Which is kind of unfair to the sandwich. I mean, the sandwich just wants you to eat it, you know? If you just don't like sandwiches very much, the sandwich deserves your honesty, so just be like, "Yeah, sorry, I just don't like sandwiches. Nothing personal."

 

Or if you really, really want to eat a sandwich and you physically can't, then maybe you have Tetanus or something and should go see a doctor for it.

 

Did I help?

 

Pretty much

 

With one ex - whom I hadn't seen for ages - we went crazy for each other one night and from sheer impatience and hunger I got sore because we didn't quite warm up long enough for me to get lubricated. It didn't stop me from jumping him the following morning though. I woke up sore but as soon as we were at it again it disappeared for a while.

 

It is either that she doesn't really want it, she doesn't really like it in general or a medical issue.

[zsk5386]

Thanks for your responses.

 

 

Ok. Read the above. She is uncomfortable. But you are overlooking that.

 

What? I'm explicitly NOT overlooking that. The whole purpose of this post is to try and figure out WHY she's uncomfortable and if that's normal, or if she should be seeking medical attention.

 

Why do you need plenty of lube? Have you wondered why? I've never used lube my whole life, as I've always been enough lubricated. So I assume she's not. That could either be a physical problem or a psychological one. When you're not ready mentally, most of the time the vagina won't be ready either.

I agree with a lot of this. Though, it's increasingly common for girls to use lube during sex, whether or not they really "need" it. Tons of girls her age who use lube all the time for sex, even when they're sufficiently aroused that they could have sex without it, because the lube contains different warming/cooling agents that make sex feel better, or it cuts down on whatever minimal discomfort/soarness they have. I don't think it's necessarily a red flag because we use lube during sex.

 

If she finds your finger, vibrator, etc, 'too intense', perhaps try... less intensity? ...

It isn't a matter of just going lighter or using less pressure. She can't handle ANY clit activity at all because "there's too much else going on." That's why it's odd to me. It's not like I can just ease up on the pressure, or I can just have her do it herself, and it's fine. Any clit activity at all is too intense for her.

 

But once we stop having sex, then I can rub her clit or perform oral to orgasm and that's not really a problem. She just can't handle it during sex.

Edited October 5, 2012 by zsk5386

[justwhoiam]

I'm going to reiterate this point.

The only women - usually - who need a lot of lube are

 

1. older women who are past menopause
   
2. very inexperienced women who are just starting to be sexually active, and
   
3. VERY sexually active women (i.e. porn actresses or the insatiable) who are happy having hours and hour of sex.
   

I basically agree with what you wrote above. Let me add to the list: women or girls who are not sufficiently aroused.

What? I'm explicitly NOT overlooking that.

Any time you're pushing the issue, you're overlooking that, whether you want to admit it or not. Any time you try to have sex with her under your conditions, you're overlooking that.

 

I agree with a lot of this. Though, it's increasingly common for girls to use lube during sex, whether or not they really "need" it.

This part of your post is very immature. "Girls like it that way" is in no way a good excuse nor does it explain why you use lots of lube with her. Hopefully, this won't be a cause for disagreement between you two, but I wouldn't like a boyfriend who takes out the lube as soon as we get intimate. If I'm already lubed, it's useless and would just make me feel inadequate. If I'm not lubed, I'd need to get wet before being ready. Lube works in the cases mentioned by Carrie. I wouldn't introduce it for lack of arousal though. It might just work against you. You think you're being a good boyfriend, also because "you use lots of lube". A good boyfriend would wait until she's ready, and wouldn't complain for doing too much, like performing oral on her for too long and such. This is just sick to me. I'm being honest with my opinion. If you can't put up with something wrong between the two of you, let her go. I mean, it's good you want to do your best to make it work, but you're probably doing it the wrong way. You can't have sex with her when she doesn't feel like it. No matter how horny you are. You first need to get that level of arousal in her. Only then you can say you tried it all.

 

About clitoral stimulation, something weird happened to me. Once he rubbed himself on me and after that, the clit was exposed and I couldn't handle the minimum stimulation anymore. It was just too much. I'm not sure if it's her case or you rubbed yourself there and she went through anything similar. The thing went on for several months.

[zsk5386]

I basically agree with what you wrote above. Let me add to the list: women or girls who are not sufficiently aroused. Any time you're pushing the issue, you're overlooking that, whether you want to admit it or not. Any time you try to have sex with her under your conditions, you're overlooking that.

 

This part of your post is very immature. "Girls like it that way" is in no way a good excuse nor does it explain why you use lots of lube with her. Hopefully, this won't be a cause for disagreement between you two, but I wouldn't like a boyfriend who takes out the lube as soon as we get intimate. If I'm already lubed, it's useless and would just make me feel inadequate. If I'm not lubed, I'd need to get wet before being ready. Lube works in the cases mentioned by Carrie. I wouldn't introduce it for lack of arousal though. It might just work against you. You think you're being a good boyfriend, also because "you use lots of lube". A good boyfriend would wait until she's ready, and wouldn't complain for doing too much, like performing oral on her for too long and such. This is just sick to me. I'm being honest with my opinion. If you can't put up with something wrong between the two of you, let her go. I mean, it's good you want to do your best to make it work, but you're probably doing it the wrong way. You can't have sex with her when she doesn't feel like it. No matter how horny you are. You first need to get that level of arousal in her. Only then you can say you tried it all.

 

About clitoral stimulation, something weird happened to me. Once he rubbed himself on me and after that, the clit was exposed and I couldn't handle the minimum stimulation anymore. It was just too much. I'm not sure if it's her case or you rubbed yourself there and she went through anything similar. The thing went on for several months.

 

I don't want this thread to turn into a bitch-fest, but I just can't let this one go.

 

This is an incredibly one-sided post. Since you've started posting in this thread, you've been more combative than helpful. Why do you immediately assume I'm like forcing her to have sex and she doesn't want it? You make this huge assumption that, and I'm just being honest here, is a typical "it's all the guys fault" assumption.

 

First: "Any time you try to have sex with her under your conditions, you're overlooking that" -- seriously? Why do you think it's under my conditions? On many occasions, SHE asks ME if I want to hook up, and when we get to bed, I perform oral or manual stimulation until SHE tells ME she's ready for sex. I merely do what I'm told, most of the time.

 

Again, I take out the lube because SHE asks me to, not because I "just take out the lube as soon as we get intimate." You don't know anything about our sex life, and you make one assumption after another. You've basically picked your conclusion (it's all my fault) and you're making up facts to fit your conclusion. You should have been a lawyer.

 

I think I'm being a good boyfriend because I do everything in my power to make sure she's comfortable when having sex, but unfortunately sometimes there are still problems. THAT's why I'm here. She still has pain after sufficient foreplay and lubrication (typically championed by her), and after SHE tells ME she's ready. And it has only been a month between instances of sexual intercourse. That seems odd. I'm trying to see if this is normal or not, and what I can do about it.

 

"A good boyfriend would wait until she's ready, and wouldn't complain for doing too much, like performing oral on her for too long and such. This is just sick to me." -- Again, I don't even know where you get this from -- this is entirely fabricated. SHE tells ME when she's ready, and I have never once complained, nor said I've complained, about giving "too much" oral. I do everything in my power to make sure she's aroused enough, and I only stop when I'm told to BY HER so we can have sex. Again, making up facts to fit your conclusion (all guys are evil).

 

The only helpful part of your post was the last part about clitoral stimulation. I'll look into that. Thanks.

Edited October 5, 2012 by zsk5386

[cybersister]

Incidentally I am not clear why it is a month between bouts of sexual activity. When I was in a long distance we had phone sex a lot, with my boyfriend talking me through a session with my vibrator.

On the clitoral stimulation... yes for me direct stimulation can be too much and after even gentle oral stimulation after I climax sometimes I cannot bear further touch there for a time....

But generally I agree with others who say whatever our experiences your girlfriend is the one whose feelings count here.

[zsk5386]

We used to have Skype sex a lot, but she would use her vibrator on her clit and not in her vagina, so it didn't really help when it came to the sex-pain/soarness problem.

[TMichaels]

We used to have Skype sex a lot, but she would use her vibrator on her clit and not in her vagina, so it didn't really help when it came to the sex-pain/soarness problem.

 

I generally dislike "grammar cops" and I usually refrain from correcting others as English is a second language for many on LS, but this is just driving me crazy.

 

zsk5386, "soarness" is not a word.

 

A plane or eagle can "soar."

 

Whereas, someone with a back injury might say: "I pulled a muscle in my back and it's really "sore." That's because over-exertion causes muscle fatigue or "soreness."

 

It's not "soar" or "soarness."

 

See the difference?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[zsk5386]

I generally dislike "grammar cops" and I usually refrain from correcting others as English is a second language for many on LS, but this is just driving me crazy.

 

zsk5386, "soarness" is not a word.

 

A plane or eagle can "soar."

 

Whereas, someone with a back injury might say: "I pulled a muscle in my back and it's really "sore." That's because over-exertion causes muscle fatigue or "soreness."

 

It's not "soar" or "soarness."

 

See the difference?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

That whole post was just to tell me it's soreness instead of soarness? Seems like a lot of work when you could have just said "It's soreness, not soarness." Sorry for the spelling problem. I hope it hasn't annoyed too many people.

 

But, that's the entire post? You read through the entire thread and simply corrected my spelling? At least help me out and give me some advice if you're going to correct my spelling. =)

Edited October 5, 2012 by zsk5386

[justwhoiam]

Take it easy, zsk. I can't read minds. I just went with what YOU wrote. Now it' her asking you to use the lube and asking you to have sex with her. Ok. Maybe you should have told us in your post. I only read you wanted to have sex and she was all sore that could barely have sex with you once a month and not for the days coming after the event.

[CarrieT]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that fundamentally (i.e., sexually) you two are incompatible in the long term.

 

Perhaps psychosomatic, but I think she is putting up physical barriers to lessen the amount of sex that YOU would actually like by having the physical ailments. She may not consciously realize she is doing it, but by having a LDR relationship, you two are not in each others physical presence on a day-to-day basis to work through common issues of a daily existence with one another.

 

There very well might be a great mind/heart connection and part of what happens in long distance relationships is the mind fills in the gaps where the physical cannot so that when the bodies ARE together, there is an attempt to try and make everything as good as possible, even though there seems to be this tremendous issue at hand.

 

So, this begs the question = are there plans to be together permanently and have you two discussed how you are going to deal with this issue?

[zsk5386]

Take it easy, zsk. I can't read minds. I just went with what YOU wrote. Now it' her asking you to use the lube and asking you to have sex with her. Ok. Maybe you should have told us in your post. I only read you wanted to have sex and she was all sore that could barely have sex with you once a month and not for the days coming after the event.

I understand you can't read minds, but then please ask questions; don't make assumptions and point fingers. Some of what you said was pretty inflammatory. Sorry if I over-reacted, but this is a touchy subject already and I'm really doing my best and care about her; I take this stuff very personally.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that fundamentally (i.e., sexually) you two are incompatible in the long term.

 

Perhaps psychosomatic, but I think she is putting up physical barriers to lessen the amount of sex that YOU would actually like by having the physical ailments. She may not consciously realize she is doing it, but by having a LDR relationship, you two are not in each others physical presence on a day-to-day basis to work through common issues of a daily existence with one another.

 

There very well might be a great mind/heart connection and part of what happens in long distance relationships is the mind fills in the gaps where the physical cannot so that when the bodies ARE together, there is an attempt to try and make everything as good as possible, even though there seems to be this tremendous issue at hand.

 

So, this begs the question = are there plans to be together permanently and have you two discussed how you are going to deal with this issue?

 

There are plans to move in together soon and I've talked to her about the issue. She is "99% sure" that us being together will resolve it. Since she's had other long-term relationships where she's lived with a guy and been sexually active on a consistent basis, I'm inclined to trust her if she's that certain.

Edited October 5, 2012 by zsk5386

[CarrieT]

There are plans to move in together soon and I've talked to her about the issue. She is "99% sure" that us being together will resolve it. Since she's had other long-term relationships where she's lived with a guy and been sexually active on a consistent basis, I'm inclined to trust her if she's that certain.

Does she explain why/how she believes living together will resolve a physical issue?

 

I'm getting red flags here...

[zsk5386]

Well, she is pretty much certain that the month of sexual inactivity is what is causing the discomfort when we have sex. So, she thinks if we're living together and having sex regularly, and there are not month breaks between each time we have sex, should be all good.

 

Since she's had other relationships where she's lived with guys and had regular sex without pain, I'm inclined to trust her on that.

[FitChick]

But once we stop having sex, then I can rub her clit or perform oral to orgasm and that's not really a problem. She just can't handle it during sex.

 

There is the answer right there.

 

Is she built a bit small while you are a bit big?

[Keithsbabybear]

I'm not aan expert by any means, but here is what I do know. When a female has sexual intercourse for the first time, it tears the walls of her vagina, therefore causing discomfort and in some cases even bleeding. Because your gf is going a month without sex, her vagina has time to heal. So when you guys have sex, it's like she is losing her virginity again, in a sense. As to the other discomfort, however, I have no idea. Maybe have her visit the gyno. Hope I helped and everything gets beter!

[CC12]

When a female has sexual intercourse for the first time, it tears the walls of her vagina, therefore causing discomfort and in some cases even bleeding. Because your gf is going a month without sex, her vagina has time to heal. So when you guys have sex, it's like she is losing her virginity again, in a sense.

 

This is all pretty much false.

 

I was beginning to type out a bunch of stuff disproving it, but then I realized that we have a thing called The Internet where people can learn on their own. For you, KeithsBB, I would suggest starting with the Wikipedia entry for "hymen" and go from there.