I think my fiance of 12 years is using drugs. !

[runner81]

Hi everyone,

 

I just found this forum. I'm in desperate need of support and guidance. I very strongly believe that for the past year, my fiancé, my best friend, the love of my life, has gotten involved with the wrong crowd and is using hard drugs. My guess is something like cocaine and/or similar drugs. I am devastated and heartbroken. We have been together as well as lived together for just over 12 years now. We bought a house together 4-1/2 years ago, although the house is only under my name. Up until the past year, we always had the greatest relationship. We were best friends and we were each other's rocks. The longest we were ever apart was 2 days. I love him with all my heart. I'll try to keep this post as brief as possible, but here is a summary of what has happened over the past 12 months.

 

Around Halloween of last year, one night my fiance suddenly didn't come home from work. He had NEVER done that before. He always used to call me the minute he got out of work to let me know that he was on his way home. That night, he didn't call me and didn't come home. I tried calling and text messaging him over and over, but he wouldn't answer me. Finally, around 2:30 or so in the morning, I got a text message from him that said "I'm out with coworkers having a few drinks. Just leave me alone." That took me by total surprise because my fiance does NOT drink at all. The most he will drink is 1 or 2 beers a YEAR and it's been like that the entire 12 years we've been together. He has always hated drinking. He finally came home around 8:30 that morning and he looked like he was a wreck and his eyes were glazed over. He was only home for a few minutes and went right back out again. He had to be back at work later that afternoon. I called his best friend, who was also his coworker, and he hadn't seen or heard from my fiance at all and he was just as surprised about his behavior as I was because staying out all night and not coming home is NOT like him at all. Well, he didn't come home from work the next night either. He didn't even call or text me. This went on for several nights. Finally, a few days later, he came home and packed up a bunch of his belongings and left. He had no explanation for why he was leaving. He was being extremely callous towards me and calling me all kinds of names for no reason. He had NEVER acted this way before. I was literally BEGGING him to talk to me and not to leave, but he wouldn't even let me near him. He wouldn't even let me hug him. I eventually found out that he was renting a room from one of his coworkers and he didn't come home for about a month and a half. I was a total wreck during that time. I cried every single day and night. I work from home and I could barely focus on my work. I felt sick to my stomach not knowing why he left me. We hadn't even had so much as a little argument to trigger this. Everything was fine. He just suddenly turned on me. One night in early December, he showed up at home with a very sad look on his face and said he wanted to come home and that he missed me and loved me. I let him come home and was so happy that he had come back. I was hoping things would get back to normal. I still never knew why he left.

 

After he came home, there were several times where he would take off and be out all night, sometimes would be gone for a few days at a time and I wouldn't hear from him until he finally decided to come home. This went on from December until the first or second week of March. It would happen at least every couple of weeks. He would claim that he was going out with coworkers (again, something he NEVER used to do). I finally talked to his best friend (now former best friend because of how he was acting towards everybody) and he informed me that it was going around that my fiance had been doing bath salts with a couple of other coworkers. One of the coworkers he had been hanging out with had actually been arrested for having bath salts the summer before. I knew that something wasn't right because my fiancé was SO on edge all the time when he was home and would snap at me for no reason and pick fights with me. I even found a text message on his phone from someone that said "I have a gram available for $70 if you're interested." That's when I knew for sure he was doing drugs. I didn't know what to do. One thing I do know is that my fiance has lost a LOT of weight in a very short period of time.

 

After he took off for about 2 or 3 days in early March, he came home and he never did it again until these past couple of months. He actually got laid off on May and didn't start working again until 2 weeks ago. He just got REALLY good new nursing job. This past week has been particularly bad. A week ago, he came home from his new job and asked me if I was hungry and I said I was. He offered to run to Wendy's to get us some dinner, so I told him that would be fine. He left around 8 p.m. and was gone all night. He didn't come home until early the next morning and started fighting with me for no reason. A couple of days later, it was his day off and he said he was going to go to Starbucks and relax for a while (something we frequently do), but I ended up not hearing from him for several hours. After his being gone for about 6 hours, I finally called Starbucks and he wasn't there. He finally came home around 9 p.m. and was absolutely furious with me for "checking up on him" and called me a snoop. He wouldn't answer any of my phone calls or text messages, so what else was I supposed to do?!?!? I was worried! Another thing that concerns me is that he has this new friend who he has been texting and calling a LOT (I've checked his cell records) and this guy is NOT a good person. My fiance refuses to tell me who he is or how he knows him. I looked this guy up on Google and found a few arrest records for him. I'm wondering if this is where he's getting drugs from. He also has a couple of other new "friends" who I've never heard of before and I have also found that they may be users or dealers as well. My fiance used to introduce me to ALL of his friends and I knew everyone he knew, but he's keeping this people a secret from me and doesn't want me to know anything about them. I have a feeling that he's with them when he shuts is phone off so I can't contact him.

 

Here's what is going on right now. Two nights ago, my fiance never came home from work (here we go again). He outright lied to me and text messaged me when he got out of work and said he was just finishing up some paperwork and he'd be headed home. He never came home and I never heard from him again that night. He finally turned his phone off and it went straight to voice mail. He came home yesterday morning around 10 a.m. and just had this blank/glazed over look on his face. I totally went off on him. I was livid. He told me that he knows he needs counseling and he knows I deserve to be treated so much better and told me to give him a couple of weeks to prove to me that I can trust him again. I now know that was all bull because he left around noon yesterday (claimed he had to be at work early for a staff meeting) and he texted me shortly after he left and said "I just got here, sorry I didn't get a chance to call you before I went into the meeting, but I was running late. I will call you when I get out of the meeting. I promise." That was the last time I heard from him. He never called. About a half hour later, I got a phone call from his work looking for him. I told them I thought he was there since he shift started 25 minutes earlier and they said he wasn't. I then called his work and asked for the unit he works on and they said he wasn't there, so he obviously didn't go to work yesterday. He JUST started this job about 2 weeks ago after being laid off and unemployed for several months. It has now been 24 hours since I have heard from him. He once again didn't come home last night. He has MY vehicle that I have paid for all by myself. We had to give his truck back to the dealer this summer after he got laid off and we couldn't afford it anymore because the payment on it was huge (almost $600 a month), so now all we have is my vehicle, which I had no choice but to buy after he left me for a month and a half last year and took our only vehicle with him and wouldn't let me use it, even though it was financed under both of our names. I did call the police last night and told them that I don't want him arrested and don't want to press charges, I just want my vehicle back. I called the police again this morning and they had no luck finding him or my truck. It has now been 24 hours since I have heard from my fiance. I'm really scared. One of my friends even said to me that they last time they saw him, he looked like he was craving something because he was sweating profusely and was pretty restless. I have noticed that a lot myself lately. My parents even noticed him twitching a little bit the last time they saw him. I'm so scared. I have NO idea where he is. He's supposed to be at work in a little under an hour and I don't know if he'll go. I have many friends and family here to emotionally support me, but I still feel so helpless and scared. I am absolutely furious for what he has been putting me through and for taking MY vehicle and not brining it back (I'm stuck at home without my vehicle), but at the same time I love him with all my heart. This is NOT the real him. It's like the drugs have totally taken over him and he's so out of control. What else can I do? I have just about snapped my spine bending over backwards trying to help him and support him, but it has done nothing. He still keeps running off and shutting his phone off so I can't reach him and then comes home whenever he's good and ready. I have no idea when to expect him him. He's been gone for 2 nights now and only came home for not even an hour yesterday and he totally lied to me when he said he was going to work and would come right home after work last night, but he never did. He has been doing nothing but flat out lie to me constantly lately. I have been with him since I was 18 years old and I just turned 31. I have never ever imagined being with anyone else. He means the world to me and I don't know what to do. He should know better than this! He's both a paramedic and a nurse and he has worked with patients with substance abuse before. Before the last year, we always had the greatest relationship and we were both totally in love with each other, even after all these years. I'm so lost right now. I have NO idea where he is or where my vehicle is. I really could use some advice and support!

Edited October 4, 2012 by runner81

[kae]

ok right now that he`s gone. change the locks on the house.. get everyone close to you in the `know` and have a intervention. Get in touch with a support group for yourself and a different one where he can go. try and get him tested. It may be dangerous for his job but his life is in danger. His addiction in taking over. 70 a gram is expensive . he`s lying .. he`s losing jobs .. he acting out. ya dont worry about his job.

 

Don`t turn into his mother.. all accpeting.. ur NOT!

 

Get his family to care for him!!!

 

Youre job is to protect yourself and sway him in a direction but ultimately, he is responsible. AA may be better equipe to help. Im just remembering the t.v show :/ sorry..

 

 

He is changing.. you need to adapt. He`s weaker.. you need to be stronger. So NO! lay down the law. boundaries are helpful.. freedom is too much for addicts.

 

Good Luck..

 

dont let anymore time go by. FACE THIS!!

[runner81]

ok right now that he`s gone. change the locks on the house.. get everyone close to you in the `know` and have a intervention. Get in touch with a support group for yourself and a different one where he can go. try and get him tested. It may be dangerous for his job but his life is in danger. His addiction in taking over. 70 a gram is expensive . he`s lying .. he`s losing jobs .. he acting out. ya dont worry about his job.

 

Don`t turn into his mother.. all accpeting.. ur NOT!

 

Get his family to care for him!!!

 

Youre job is to protect yourself and sway him in a direction but ultimately, he is responsible. AA may be better equipe to help. Im just remembering the t.v show :/ sorry..

 

 

He is changing.. you need to adapt. He`s weaker.. you need to be stronger. So NO! lay down the law. boundaries are helpful.. freedom is too much for addicts.

 

Good Luck..

 

dont let anymore time go by. FACE THIS!!

 

Thanks for the reply! Another thing I forgot to mention is that the other day I told him that I wanted him to take a drug test and he outright refused. He said "I shouldn't have to do that." That right there gave me the answer I needed. He has already lost several really good friends from when he did this before last year. They got sick of his behavior and sick of being blown off by him, so they gave up and now want nothing to do with him. Ever since he started hanging out with this new crowd, he has basically totally ditched everyone else, like me, his family, and his real, true, non-drug using friends. It absolutely breaks my heart and I can't stop crying. He means the world to me. He's 10 years older than me, but that never mattered. I just wish I could help him or make him stop this behavior, but I know I can't. It's so frustrating. It's a huge emotional roller coaster. My best friend and I are getting ready to drive by his work to see if my vehicle is there. I'm trying to find the spare key to it. If I can find it, I will just take it and bring it home. After all, it is MY vehicle that I bought and I've been making all the payments on and it is only registered in my name. I just wish I could somehow fix things and get the old him back.

Edited October 4, 2012 by runner81

[wow04]

I am so sorry to hear this. He is an addict. An addict will lie, manipulate, anything to get that next high. His drug is the most important thing to him. I know that is harsh, but it is the truth.

[2sunny]

Change the locks. Block his number... He's really in deep!

 

You can't make him get better - he has to want to change. Even then, it's very hard, but worth it.

 

Get your car back! If he kills someone while driving your car - you MAY be responsible.

 

Consequences can help him get MORE motivated to consider quitting!

[allenpo123]

 

Get your car back! If he kills someone while driving your car - you MAY be responsible.

 

Consequences can help him get MORE motivated to consider quitting!

 

YES get your car back! He may not be in the condition to drive and if he hits someone, you'll be responsible. Change locks and ask him to move out. You need to be sure you are safe before you can help him.

 

Ask for professional help(social workers..etc), he's into drugs deep and he NEEDS serious help. He may think he can control himself, but obviously he can't. Before he overdoes and actually DIES, you need to step in and do the right thing.

[saltygirl01]

How are you doing? Has anything changed?

 

Are you doing OK? And did you get your car back?

 

Praying for you, my dear this is a mess. And I am so sorry.

[GLDheart]

Losing YOU may be the wake up call he needs... If not, there's nothing you can do for him anyway.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey is there an update here?