Ladies, would this make you mad?

[tanbark813]

Ok, I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything wrong, but this might be one of those cases where the guy does something he thinks is okay and is totally oblivious to the fact that his gf is offended by it.

 

Quick bg story: I've been with my gf for about 5 months. We knew each other in high school, and liked each other, but nothing ever came of it (mainly because I was a big dork who couldn't get girls). So now--9 years later--we got back in touch and are together.

 

Okay, so we also have a mutual friend, I'll call her "Vicky". Vicky went out with my best friend all through high school. They broke up shortly after graduation, but the 3 of us have been in touch and hang out regularly since then. My gf lost touch with Vicky, but was friends with her in high school.

 

So Vicky and I have been friends since she went out with my best friend. We ended up going to the same college and hang out every so often. She's like my sounding board for girl problems and I am the same for her guy problems. She's almost kind of like a sister.

 

So anyhoo, she wants to meet up for dinner this week so we made plans. I was talking to my gf on the phone (she lives 2 hours away so we only see each other on the weekends), and I mentioned I was going to dinner with Vicky. My gf sounded slightly bothered, but it's possible I was just imagining things. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said no. When she asked why I asked that I just said that she sounded "off". She then asked if I expected her to be jealous and I said that I didn't expect her to be, just that she sounded a little weird so I was just making sure everything was cool. So then she laughed (kind of a forced laugh) and said "have a ball" and that she wasn't jealous at all. But the way she said everything and laughed about it was kind of insincere and sounded almost like she was overcompensating or covering up being bothered by something.

 

Anyway.. I'm not really too concerned if she's jealous or not. But what I want to know is: Is asking if a girl is okay about something--and, consequently, implying that she may be jealous about something innocent--offensive? I mean, would a girl get mad simply for her bf thinking she might be bothered by something?

 

Maybe I'm just being neurotic here...

[Olivia_19742004]

No you didn't do anything wrong. I'd be more upset if someone didn't notice my voice was different and didn't ask me what was wrong.

[Fayebelle]

You were honest about your plans and concerned for her feelings...In my book you are A-OK pal!

 

 

 

P.S. I love how much your Avatar resembles the big cheesin grin smiley

 

 

 

Lovely- right after I posted that you change your Avatar to Damien!

[Firegirl04]

You didn't do anything wrong. She probably is a little peeved at the idea, but she needs to trust you. You did the right thing by telling her that you were going to dinner with Vicky.

[HoldOn]

You didn't do anything wrong. But you can make your girlfriend feel better about the situation. You can reassure her that you are just friends with this girl and you're like brother and sister. I think you should make sure to invite your girlfriend to hang out with the both of you once in a while. That way she can see that this girl has no designs on you!

 

I totally understand your gf's point of view. It drives me crazy that my bf has female friends! Argh. But there's nothing I can do about it and there's no reason he shouldn't be able to.

 

So, don't get defensive. Just be entirely truthful and also be reassuring.

[tanbark813]

Sorry Fayebelle, I can change it back if you want.

 

Originally posted by HoldOn

You can reassure her that you are just friends with this girl and you're like brother and sister.

 

Yeah. Well Vicky was out of the country for a year and just got back. So shortly after her return she, myself, and my gf all went out for dinner to catch up. So I'm sure my gf knows we're just friends.

[HoldOn]

So I'm sure my gf knows we're just friends.

 

I am sure she knows it too. But that doesn't stop the little voices in her head, wondering what you're doing with this girl. All I am saying is that you should make sure and be reassuring instead of defensive. I'm not saying you are acting defensive, just be careful.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I am sure she knows it too. But that doesn't stop the little voices in her head, wondering what you're doing with this girl.

 

Hold On is Right On as usual.

 

Of course your girlfriend is miffed, whether she admits it or not. Believe me…she's "filing" this one and I guarantee it will come back around to haunt you. Women forget NOTHING.

 

I'd be willing to bet you fifty bucks one of two things will now happen:

 

She'll either suggest "taking a break" from your relationship for a while so that the two of you can be free to see other people (in the very near future)…OR…she's going to use this incident as her "get out of jail free" card so that she can spend time with one of her male friends (if she isn't already).

 

Let's just hope that when the shoe's on the other foot you'll be as confident and trusting as you expect her to be.

 

I agree that you haven't done anything "wrong". After all, the two of you are not married or living together. And it was good that you were so honest about it. But your girlfriend may be refraining from voicing her discontent for fear of driving your honesty underground. If she complains, you might be obliged to call her insecure and do as you want anyway…behind her back. After all, when it comes to relationships, we would all rather our partners make thoughtful decisions on their own rather then having to "tell" them how they should act or behave. We assume that our partners will think on their own and not do anything to hurt us…and when they DO…it is not easily forgotten.

 

Have fun and GOOD LUCK!

[HoldOn]

Hold On is Right On as usual.

 

Hey thanks!

 

I think as long as you stay totally honest with her and try to understand her feelings (what would you think if she were going out to dinner with a guy friend), then I think everything will be okay.

[tanbark813]

If it were a female friend I didn't know very well, or one that my gf didn't know, then I could see her getting more upset and I probably wouldn't even put myself in that situation. Vicky and I, however have been friends for over 10 years and my gf was friends with her in high school. So it's not like it's just some random girl.

 

That being said, I wouldn't get all defensive if my gf brought it up again or was upset about the situation. And ultimately, if she was bothered to the point of asking me to not go, I wouldn't. I guess that was kind of the other reason for bringing it up in the first place. I didn't ask her permission or anything, but I gave her the chance to object if she so desired.

[HoldOn]

So, now you've started me thinking about my bf's female friends. Now he is the most monagamous man ever, I swear and I know he would never cheat on me. But I hate the thought of him going out for lunch or dinner with his little friends. I think about how other people who see them out might think they are together. And it makes me super jealous. I am not worried that he might slip up and have an affair or something, I just don't like the idea of them going out and having a good time. Logically, I don't think I should be upset. How do I get rid of these feelings?

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by HoldOn

How do I get rid of these feelings?

 

Alcohol.

 

Seriously though, if you already know you shouldn't be jealous and already know your man won't cheat, then all that's left is to keep reminding yourself of that I guess. We can control how we behave, but you can't force or prevent natural emotion. Maybe in time you can influence yourself to feel those pangs of jealousy less and less as you remind yourself that you have nothing to really worry about.

[HoldOn]

What is it like for you when you go out with a female friend? Do you never have any flirty thoughts or anything??

[tanbark813]

I'm not really sure what you mean by if I have "flirty thoughts". I can be a flirt when I'm single, but I don't really flirt with female friends. For me, it's almost like going out with a guy friend, but it gives me a chance to get a female perspective on anything that might be on my mind (as I'm sure she likes being able to get a male perspective about anything on her mind).

 

When I'm single, I get into this mode when I go out where I'm kind of keeping an eye out for opportunities with girls. But when I'm in a relationship and I go out without my gf, I leave the house knowing I'm not going to hook-up and I don't get into that mode. I just go out to have a good time.

 

My girl friends are almost like guy friends except they have t!ts and better insight.

 

[HoldOn]

Yeah, that makes me feel a little better. lol.

 

This wasn't the reason I asked those questions. But, this is an example of something you should tell your gf. Have you told your gf these things?

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by HoldOn

Have you told your gf these things?

 

I haven't told her all of that, but I would if she brought up the subject. At this point I'm not going to bring it up myself unless it's obvious that it's bothering her. There have been times when I'll think I should go into more detail about something but she'd rather I not talk about it. I'm not sure why. I don't want to make a big deal out of this though.

[HoldOn]

Well, communication is key to a good relationship... If you suspect that your gf feels jealous, then you should ask her what her feelings are and tell her why she shouldn't worry.