The_Face Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Well.... just ordered our pre-natal paternity test, everything is on track to getting this fear and anxiety out of my head for good. The test should be here in a few days, and once we fax some of the mother's info, we'll be able to schedule our blood drawing for the mother. Then we ship off the dna back to the dna center and we should know the results in a week or less. I feel relief in knowing this will no longer be a mystery, a dark cloud that comes and hangs over my head every so often. On that note, I feel good. The downside? My ex gf and I just spent an hour and a half on the phone talking about this. It started out lighthearted, talking about how happy we were that we found out the sex of the baby (its a boy) and things we wanted to do for the baby room, etc, etc. Somewhere along the way she started asking why I was quiet at the doctor's office with her yesterday. I tried telling her it was nothing, because in all honesty it really was at that point. I was overwhelmed with joy after hearing its a boy, and I kind of got lost in my own head, daydreaming. But eventually she asked me if I had been worrying about the paternity still, to which I had to admit, yes, on occasion that fear still comes back in my mind, even though I have spent so much energy trying to get rid of it completely. What followed was a long time spent listening to her talk about how bad it made her feel and why. How I obviously don't trust her anymore and how recounting the events of her fling (which happened a week after we broke up) made her feel bad and how it reminded her of when she was a teenager, or something, a bunch of other stuff that I kind of lost the point to. Anyway, to sum it up, she was very emotional because of all this, but agreed to do it and just kept saying "lets do it asap so we never have to talk about it again" through tears and sniffles. I agreed, it will be great to be behind BOTH of us. I don't exactly like feeling this way either, and I've proven I love her and support her regardless of these feelings of doubt I've been struggling with. Now she needs her space of course. She probably hates me and hates herself, crying her eyes out at this minute I bet. And I feel horrible for that. What I can say is I did everything I could to approach this subject with respect for her, never talked about any of it in a malicious or angry way. No matter what though, this topic was bound to bring tears and frustration. I just hope the news is good. And it's my baby boy. But even then, I worry that this part of the pregnancy is going to make her memories of her pregnancy in a bad way. Like I took away from some of the happiness. Its' a win/lose scenario no matter how I approached it. Skip the test entirely, and spend the rest of my life battling the recurring feelings of doubt. Or get the test done, and have my ex never look at me the same way again. Maybe our dreams of working through this "together" won't be as likely to happen now, maybe. Ughhhh.. What's a guy with a baby on the way to do? When you feel doubt and have good reason to, how do you handle it without someone getting their feelings hurt? I would really like to know. Thanks for letting me vent. Any input or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 5, 2012 Share Posted October 5, 2012 Face..I feel for you. Man, you have a mess on your hands. My first gut reaction if I were in your shoes is I would ask myself if I would want to be with her no matter who the father is, and I would insist that she do the same. Then, I would offer up that if it is his, then I would raise it as my own, but she would not include the other man. Basically, he gives up any rights. How that is accomplished, I don't know, but I would insist that he is not included. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted October 5, 2012 Author Share Posted October 5, 2012 Thanks for understanding. I don't know what I would do if I found out it wasn't my kid. You're probably wondering why I would ask a question like that, if I was so afraid of one of the possible answers. I can't fully explain it. I just need to know. Once the seed of doubt was planted, it's been impossible to completely shake it. I feel the fear mostly when the mother isn't around me. When I happen to have time to myself to think. I'd like to think the worse-case scenario here is that we get the results back and the kid is mine, and all this will amount to is a rough patch during the pregnancy. What scares me is if it's not mine. While most of the things my ex has told me about her casual little fling with the other guy should put me at ease, when thinking about the dates of conception and the time she was with him and all that, it's just not enough to stay done with the topic. I hate feeling this way. And even though I don't feel it's necessary to dwell on why we're in this situation, I have to remind myself that it's what she did and what she confessed to doing that put this fear in my head. But I still feel bad that she's feeling so lost again and alone because of this happening. What was I supposed to do? I figured at this point, I was picking the lesser of two evils, in finally pursuing the test, and making it official. While most of the signs point to it being mine, that DOUBT has a way of getting in the way sometimes. UGHHHH... can't wait for this to be over with and know it's mine. And hopefully she will eventually get over this, and maybe understand why I needed it. Maybe then she won't turn it into this thing that it's not. Probably sound like a messed up guy right now. Because I kind of am. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Maybe then she won't turn it into this thing that it's not. If she does then it is... You cannot expect her to let this breach of trust just go away.. it will always be there.. but at least you will know if the baby is yours... Funny thing is.. when my boy was born.. there was no doubt he was mine.. Besides the fact I trust my wife and she has never given me reason to not trust her but I cannot deny the child.. he looks just like me I think you have some big hurdles to get over in your relationship with her.. Hopefully you both will work on them and you will get back in the groove of respecting one another and get past this.. I'm not aware of a prenatal paternity test that doesn't increase the risk of a miscarriage.. Do they now have one ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author The_Face Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Yes, there's a non-invasive pre-natal test that just takes the mother's blood, and a DNA sample from the alleged father. She's the one who expects the breach of trust to go away. Not me. I realize it's a process, and I'm working through it everyday. She's the one who thinks I should just forget everything and not worry at all about paternity. One more thing is, I do respect her. Me wanting this doesn't mean that I don't respect her. But I think she feels I don't now. Oh well, what can I do? Edited October 6, 2012 by The_Face 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 My express concern, standing in your shoes, paternity known, would be: 1. Entry of another man prior to birth. She seems to have high need for male validation in her life. 2. Establishing access to your child in the future. She's not independent at this time and heavily relying on her family. I'd have concerns about who makes decisions regarding the best interests of your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 She's the one who expects the breach of trust to go away. Not me. I realize it's a process, and I'm working through it everyday. She's the one who thinks I should just forget everything and not worry at all about paternity. One more thing is, I do respect her. Me wanting this doesn't mean that I don't respect her. But I think she feels I don't now. Oh well, what can I do? I'm confused. She slept with another man after your break-up. How did she breach your trust? She had every right to do so. You're assuming she may be lying to you and that is why you want the test. This doesn't sound like respect to me. You have reasonable doubts regarding your paternity, but you clearly don't respect her or you wouldn't be doubting her word for no apparent reason. Unless, of course, there is more to this story that involves prior deception on her part. Any news on the results of this test as of yet? -A Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 I've noticed it's been a week since your initial post. Have you gotten the results yet? Link to post Share on other sites
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