What's the Right Choice??

[wanderlust13]

Hi, I'm a recently engaged college senior and I'm worried that I'm making the wrong choices. I love my fiancé and I'm confident in my choice to marry him, so that's not the problem. It's just that both of our career choices are up in the air and it looks like it's going to be his career over mine. I’m just a mess right now and what I’m saying will probably not make sense because I can’t seem to coherently say what it is I’m trying to say, but I just need someone's unbiased third-party opinion........

 

It kind-of just hit me that within a matter of few years, I’m going to be a stay-at-home mom and that after all this work on my seemingly useless degree, it’s not going to matter anyways. Needless to say, I’m scared sh*tless. I didn’t factor in the fact that the choices I’m making now are setting my life up and starting a career just to see it end in a few years time. Now it all seems like a HUGE waste. I feel useless and unfulfilled and I just want to hop on a plane to somewhere in Europe and stay there until the wedding. I feel like there are so many things I didn’t do/haven’t done/am not going to do for a variety of reasons—mainly money. If we had it, my fiancé would hop a plane with me. He’s very supportive, but there are just a lot of factors holding us back. I knew we were eventually going to have kids and settle down so I feel like the choices I/we make now are critical. We only have so much time before we have to start having kids (I say "have to" because of certain health complications on my part that will make it difficult/impossible as I get older). I guess you could say what brought this on was a few days ago in one of my classes. My professor was asking us whether or not we were thinking about grad school, and my immediate thought was "No, we don't have the time or money." This scared me because I used to be much more ambitious and now I feel like I've become too cautious with life. I want to be rational like my fiancé, but I don't want to sacrifice my free spirit either. Anyways, my professor also encouraged us to take time off to travel, and I thought how I can't do that even though it's been my dream for years. I can't because it's not just me I have to worry about, it's not just taking off from my job to go travel and I can't just go wherever the wind takes me because I have to think of my fiancé/soon-to-be husband and his schooling/job. I’d love to travel with him (and that’s the plan before we have kids), but between his impending student debt and my seemingly useless B.A. in English, our financial prospects don’t look too promising. Also, he’s trying to get into nursing school and has failed a few times because of the highly-selective nature of the program, which we knew was a probability, but now we’re looking at expensive private schools which means taking on more debt, and it also jeopardizes our chances of traveling anytime soon before kids, not to mention it pretty much throws out the idea of grad school for me, which I was entertaining. I’m just confused on what to do with my degree/career, I’m scared that I’m making choices that are compromising my integrity too much and putting our future happiness in jeopardy, and I don’t know how to communicate this to my fiancé without coming across like I don’t want to marry him because I do. Also, you should know our wedding date is set. There are a lot of factors as to why we are not willing to push it back. Please help...

[TigerCub]

I'm not really sure how to reply except:

Why don't you just talk to your fiance?

 

 

I think that if people are so serious about being together forever, they should be comfortable enough to talk and communicate and discuss their worries and their hopes and their dreams.

 

I don't see it as a rejection of him to talk to him about the kind of future you envision for the 2 of you.

 

Is he saying that you have to be a housewife?

Is he saying that until he gets into nursing school and graduates you have to stay home and put your own dreams on hold?

 

It seems like you're afraid to communicate with him and talk about the future with him - and that strikes me as the biggest problem here.

[Axee]

Hi,

This is a classic case of premarital jitters.. Relax a bit.. Its okay, this is part and parcel of everyone's life.. and as things stabilise you will get time to do everything........

[wanderlust13]

Thank you so much. I've been talking to my fiancé and we're doing our best to listen to each others concerns and help each other figure it out. It's nice to know I'm not alone

[strongnrelaxed]

Thank you so much. I've been talking to my fiancé and we're doing our best to listen to each others concerns and help each other figure it out. It's nice to know I'm not alone

 

Please have your future husband sign up here and poke around for some advice. I think he will find it instructive.

 

I think that prenup jitters are our mind and body's way of telling us that there is a major problem here. We ignore it all the time. Divorces happen. And the children suffer.

 

There are many older women here who rip into men for pointing this out. It sort of ruins the fairy tale. I just can't believe how many people would crush the lives of another human being just because she wants her special day.

 

It is very scary and sad to me.

 

You are making a major mistake and so is he. I am not bitter or angry.

 

Remember my words when you are headed to divorce court. At least one person tried to be honest and have the courage to take the risk and say this.

 

You cannot say you weren't warned. Anyone else who tells you differently is lying to you. Trust your gut on this one.

[wanderlust13]

My gut doesn't tell me we're headed for divorce. But we are planning to do premarital counseling anyways so maybe this will also help us by seeking the advice of professionals in how to best communicate with one another. I appreciate your honest opinion, though.