Please, help

[Taurus1358]

After being married for 17 years my wife and I got divorced, it was mainly my fault I didn't cheat on her but I became immature, selfish, unreliable, lazy. I know fora fact that she loved me deeply and I did the same but

for reasons difficult to explain I detached from her sexually for 8 months, finally, in an argument, i asked her for the divorce, I meant it at that moment, after cooling off I realized that I had made the greatest mistake of my life and tried to correct it but she told me that my request was the last drop and I was going to get

what I asked for. We have been divorced for 8 months, I live by myself and have gone out witha few women

however, no matter what I do I can't forget her and need her now more than ever. I tried to talk to her but

she doesn't even want to see me, we haven't talked since last February. Please, send some advise my way because I feel that I can't get past this. I think about her everyday, even not wanting to I compare my new dates with her and they all lose. I need to overcome this but it seems impossible

[JulieAnna]

Yep, I know how you feel.......I divorced my husband and regret it. Do you wake up having panic attacks about this? I think what happens is although at the time we were miserable being married - the reality of divorce and then the routine of being with this person suddenly is POOF! Gone.

 

It's a shock to not have that person there anymore - you want to rush back to familiarity and cling to what you once had. You forget the bad times and how miserable you were and nothing seems to go thru your mind except all the happy times. Suddenly you think "What have I done?".

 

In time you'll realize you divorced for a reason and that it's for the best. At least I keep telling myself this.

 

I have no desire to even look at another man. I initiated and followed thru with the divorce but now all I can think about is my ex and wanting him back. I haven't attempted to contact him since the divorce was final. This would inflate his ego way too much.

 

All I hope is one day our paths will cross again and either we'll be happy to see each other or we'll just freak out.

 

Want to help each other thru this? We're both going thru the same thing.

[Taurus1358]

I didn't have any reason to request a divorce, I was so messed up that I thought that I wanted out, I had lost touch with my own self. I do not wake up with panic attacks but I do not want ever to see her with another man, it will destroy me fully. After going to therapy and quitting everything that affected me I realized my error, and it is too late, or it seems to be, I know that I was deeply loved, I know that if I would have never asked for a divorce she wouldn't have done it, she told me so. Now, that I realize my errors I don't have the chance to correct them, I never, ever, cheated on her

even when I could I choose to walk away, I couldn't bear the thought of her crying because I was unfaithful. I did try to establish a rapport with her but she doesn't want to, JulieAnna, I don't know why you got divorced but I do know this, if he is worth the effort try to get him back, we all make mistakes, the divorce papers are only important for money and properties, no contract can rule your feelings and your happiness is most important

[JulieAnna]

I'm afraid of the way I'll be treated if I try to reach out to him and contact him. I divorced him because I got tired of always trying to reach out to him when we had problems. He'd crawl in a hole and ignore me and every time I'd have to be the one to make the first move to put things back together. I just got tired of him being unavailable emotionally and sexually (he spent most of him time in the bathroom with porn mags).

 

I figured he didn't need me - and I got sick of being with someone who didn't fulfill me mentally and sexually. I divorced him and I know I hurt him - but he's the type who has probably ran out to the nearest bar and picked up several women to screw just to get even with me and feed his ego. Plus I can't compete with his nosey sisters who interfered constantly in our relationship.

 

I love him but it just can't work - I have to fall out of love and find someone else. Contacting him would only feed his ego and give him a chance to stomp on me.

[Taurus1358]

This is the way I see it, if you were not satisfied mentally and sexually and if this guy prefered his porn mags to you, there is no question in my mind that you did the right thing. You need a man who loves you fully physically, mentally and in every way possible.

I had the best relationship with my ex in both aspects until I started using drugs, that was the beginning of the end, I became a sex addict and when I realized that something was wrong it was too late, I had lost touch with my own self, quitting without going through detox was hard but I did it, the problem was that it killed my sex drive for a long time, it clouded my capabilities of thinking possitive and clearly. The end result was losing what I cherish most.

Today I am clean, back in shape, working out, succesfully employed, TAKING EXCELLENT CARE OF MYSELF, all my functions are fine tuned but now, when I want her the most, I can make love to my wife because she is no longer with me.

You must let go of that feeling and keep on going, there is someone out there that will value you whole, someone who will look forward to come home to you

and to love you like you deserve

[Haunani]

Taurus - I'm sorry for your pain, 17 years is a long time to be with someone, and only after you lose them do you wish you could go back and re-do what what missing.

 

I'm in the same boat, 17 years married too. But I'm the one wanting out. And I'm so sad that it's come down to this because I don't even know if he had help if he'd be over it. The drugs, the beer, the egotistical arrogant dictorship type person. He's going to lose everything, and I'm going to lose it too simply because I'm not willing to play this same game for next 17 years. And he's simply set and doesn't need want change.

 

Maybe in time, when she sees how you've changed you can at least be friends. You are in my thoughts.

[JulieAnna]

Taurus, I'm curious as to how you decided that you are/were a sex addict. You didn't cheat on your wife? Here's what I am trying to find out - so many men seem obsessed with sex. Is it because men look at porn all the time and are just raised to be sex fiends? I love sex as much as the next person but too much of it all at once kills the excitement.

 

My ex and I had sex but it never seemed enough - thus he would constantly masturbate to porn mags. Then he never could last or stay hard enough when we had sex. And I was game for anything - I thought that him looking at the mags would make him a sexier guy.

 

I begged him to be wild (anything that didn't include other people or pain) but sex with him was so dull and boring.

 

I don't understand why he looked at those magazines (these were mags like Swank, etc.) which showed all sorts of things but never wanted to do any of that with me.

 

I could never compete with the women in the magazines - I just don't look like them (I don't look bad but how many women in real life look like those girls?). I felt he preferred fantasy over his own wife. This really hurt me.

 

Our love life seemed too empty for me. I was unfulfilled and ended up doing like he was doing - taking care of myself on my own time.

 

Are all men like this?

[Yikes]

"Are all men like this?"

 

Nope. Rest assure that all men are not like this.

[Taurus1358]

JulieAnna; I give a bit of information so you can understand; I used to be the lead guitar player in a rock band, while doing the club circle I became very enamored of cocaine, I quit the band and became a businessman, mainly because I knew I was going to lose everything if I kept on going, I had no control.

When i started using it again, many 15 years after I got married, I did it only on weekends, the rest of the week I would do my normal life, work, go to the gym, etc., but every Friday at 5 I would run to my supplier and buy 300 to 400 dollars worth of the stuff. At home I used to start snorting and drinking

Sambuca and that combination was a bullet to my head, sex was all I could think about throughout the whole weekend, this lasted 2 years.

As far as your ex getting off on mags I believe he lacked the skills to express to you what he wanted in bed and found relieve ( ? ) in them, how can he prefer paper to the real thing is something I can't answer. Some men don't understand that after certain period of time a couple's sex life needs to be spiced up, there are A LOT of things to accomplish that, al that is needed is a good communication line with the partner because the rest is already there.

[JulieAnna]

Dear Taurus, as much fun as a coke high can be it obviously caused many problems for you. I am sorry about your divorce and it's commendable that you are honest about your feelings you still have towards your exwife. Is there any chance of reconcilliation? When was your last attempt to contact her and try to reconcile? Maybe she's dealing with anger and resentment right now - those feelings will subside eventually - maybe then you can reach out to her again.

 

Does she know how you feel? Maybe if you wrote her a letter..... Women desperately want to hear a man apologize and profess their love - so many men can't do this. Writing a letter to her is one way to express your feelings and she can read this in private and then think about all of it. At least she'll know you still love her.

 

It sounds like you're an intelligent guy - you like to party but you also know where to draw the line. We all make mistakes in life. Sometimes we don't appreciate what we had until it's gone.

 

Do you think you just miss what was familiar and comfortable? What is she doing now - is she seeing other people?

 

(I'm sorry I didn't mean to get off on other topics in my previous posts).

 

Hope I can help from a woman's point of view.

[Taurus1358]

JulieAnna;

I understand and appreciate yoour concern, I am one of those few individuals that is the last of his kind, in other words, I don't have any family. Since the age of 18 I had to learn about life the hard way, coke was fun for a while but it became something I didn't want to deal with anymore and I quit it without having to go to rehab or any program, by then my personality had changed

when the down part of detox came I lost interest in everything including sex,

I was a husband who called my ex wife everyday just to say " I love you",

I was the husband who, every week would bring her a present, flowers, a card,

something, I was a husband who would help her in everything at home, we cleaned the house together, did the groceries shopping together, when we were out I made sure that we had the best possible time, our sex life was very satisfying, when it was time to implement it we did it, no scrupples, no hold barred. Then, I got into that crap and all I did was to have sex with her, every weekend 4 to 5 times sometimes more, when I decided to quit the stuff I became retracted, impenetrable, I became unreliable and didn't touch my wife for 8 straight months.

We parted ways amicably but since February we haven't seen each other, she is working 2 jobs to make ends meet, I have sent her some money every now and then because I can't be an spectator of such hardship when I know how hard she works in her main job, as far as I know she is alone. A few days ago I called her to see how she was and asked her if she would like to have lunch with me, we work in the same area and her response was that there was no chance in the near future. Is she still angry? I would say that she is royally pissed off at me, dissapointed, hurt and who knows what else.

For the first time in my life I pray everyday to God, all I ask is to have a chance to correct my errors with her. Do I have a chance? I honestly don't know, if I do I will never doubt that there is a God in Heaven, if I don't then I was right and we believe in a higher power because we need to have a cushion in our worst moments.

[JulieAnna]

Taurus, it sounds like you are doing about everything you can possibly do to reconnect with her and she just isn't responding. Maybe if you stop reaching out to her she will have time to think about things and miss you. I think she knows how you feel and knows you're there just waiting for her to dangle a carrot.

 

Stop sending her money and contacting her - see if she comes back once she really misses you and maybe realizes you've moved on.

 

Sorry to hear you've battled some demons but it's great you've recovered and are getting yourself healthy. That's what I've been doing. I've been eating right and exercising - trying to get myself in good shape. My ex made me feel so bad about myself it gave me super human powers to try and improve on what I have.

 

Keep working on yourself - you sound like you're doing the right things. If your ex never returns - trust me, there are plenty of women out there who'll appreciate you and give anything to be with you. Just let yourself get over her first - or wait and see if she comes back.

 

Hang in there - all us broken hearted folks out here in computer land are going thru the same thing. You're not alone.

[Taurus1358]

Dear JulieAnna;

I want to thank you for your support, I believe that everything happens for a reason and, in spite of being angry at God I do believe He wants what is best for all of us. At this moment I am going out with someone, of course I am not interested at all but at least I have a good time and while I am out I don't have time to think about the whole situation, one thing I need to stop doing and it is to compare the new women in my life with my ex, it is not done on purpose but it has happened on 6 different occasions and as a result I have decided to stop dating them.

I am not ready yet for a commitment and I don't like games so, for the time being I will concentrate on me, if anything happens with my ex I will be the happiest man in the world, if it doesn't it was never meant to be.

Thank you so very much

[kmax]

What I think is write her a letter and state what you feel, just like you did here. Then give her some time. This is the best I can tell you. Women work on emotion, we need time to work though the emotions. If she still loves you, she'll come around. Men look at lifes problems in black and white, women on the other hand see's it in color. Hope things workout.

[Taurus1358]

Kmax

Thank you for your support, I have sent e mails to my ex showing what I feel and trying to get her to understand, never got a reply, so, I think is better if I let time do its healing, if it is meant to be we will be back together, if not I will have to do what is best for me, I am a survivor, I have been alone since I was

very young if life didn't put me down then it will not happen at this moment

[Haunani]

Taurus I only hope that my husband is as strong a person as you are both inside and out when he hits an obstacle like this. You are head strong, and I give you congrads for working on it for you.

 

I'm like your wife in time - years we've been married, and things looked/appeared okay, but years of resentment built up, and I'll never know if he will be the person I want him to be, and the sad thing is - he probably will be - after I'm gone, when I say this is the final straw, not anything huge or so great I can put my finger on it, but an accumulation of 20 years of anger, hurt, and yeah some good, but more so the bad outweights the good. Because I will always be there in his mind.

 

I'm needing some courage about now. I'll take it from you

[JulieAnna]

Taurus, I'm sorry you've attempted to reach out to her to no avail. I know that hurts even more. I guess this is why I'm too scared to send a letter to my ex. I divorced him in a fit of anger and there were alot of issues but I swear not a day goes by I think of him and still feel love for him but feel really ridiculous even thinking of contacting him.

 

After all I divorced him and ended it - think he'll give me the time of day if I come crawling back saying please forgive me I still love you? He's made no effort to contact me at all.

 

I think if I tried contacting him I'd get the same response your exwife gave you and I can't take more blows to my self esteem. So like you - I'm forcing myself to move on.

 

I still love him though - despite everything, I miss him and love him. He probably thinks I hate him and never want to see him again. Maybe he's moved on and doesn't care anymore.

 

I'll never know.

[Taurus1358]

Haunani;

I am sorry to hear about your situation, 20 years is a long time, one thing I found out very early in my marriage and it is that communication is a key factor for having a good relationship, many couples tend to avoid talking about certain issues just because they seem small, easy to overlook at the time but later on all those issues become problems and then, arguments, bad days, resentment, etc.

I honestly hope that, before taking such a drastic step, you both can sit down and air out everything, it may clarify many things. I failed to apply that the last year of my relationship and now I regret not to do it.

Some time apart may also help

[Haunani]

How ya doing buddy?