Im so crushed...I feel ruined :'(

[FocusOnMe]

Well, the obvious signs started in April, by August he asked for a separation, came back two times only to say "I cant deal with this" and left again. Before the last and final time he left, he called my mother to explain his feelings which were basically "why postpone the inevitable" so I let him have his separation/divorce and packed all his belongings and put them in the garage.

 

He has since picked up most of his belongings and we have been in talks since then. I tried the NC once. It lasted 9 days and somehow we agreed to meet so he could see the dog. I let him in the house and we talked and decided we were going to try and work on the marriage. That was a total disaster. There has been an OW and he never stopped seeing her, but kept telling me that they were nothing more than bowling buddies and that if we werent married there could possibly be more. So by the 5th day of our "trying" to work on the marriage I gave him and ultimatum and asked him to be honest with me. "In your heart of hearts, do you think you can ever love me again?" He tried to avoid the answer by saying, your not giving me time...I responded by saying "time for what?" Time to decide if you "want" to love me again, or "dont" want to love me again? I dont understand what the time issue means. Well he finally answered my question and the answer was NO, he does not feel in his heart of hearts that he could ever love me again. But keep in mind there is an OW in this scenerio.

 

My problem is, Im crushed!!! I have a few good days and then the sadness sets in and Im a wreck again, and withdraw and dont want to do anything, or feel even capable of doing anything. There's another woman that Im sure HE LOVES!!! Why am I crying over this sack of **** of a husband???

 

My self esteem is ruined....I feel so alone....I dont feel like Im ever going to be my old happy self again, and everyone keeps telling me to stop crying...well thats easier said than done. I have a big gapping hole in my heart where love used to live and I feel like I cannot make any progress. I do make some, Im happy and strong and pissed for a day, go out, alone, and try to feel normal, but then the next day its the same crap all over again.....two steps forward, three steps back :'(

 

So now, the last encounter with him was a "lets try and be friends" discussion. So I said ok, and here we go again....I ask him what he is doing one night, if he wants to go bowling and he says he is just going to have a couple of drinks with the guys at work and then he's heading home. Well I went to the bowling alley and surprise, there was his truck in the parking lot.

 

So, I called him up to tell him that the plans we made for saturday have been called off because I am not going to be available, and he just says "ok." Never argues, never says "why, whats wrong" nothing which tells me he just doesnt care about me....which only crushes me more :'( So now, I am on the NC unless absolutely necessary, which is only by test message if need be.

 

He has not tried to contact me, at all, which hurts me like hell....Im devastated....he really doesnt love me anymore and that just stings. This is someone I trusted and loved. Ok, the marriage wasnt the greatest, there were problems, the sex wasnt great, there wasnt much compassion, but he was my love, I loved him, and yes, there were even times I thought how I might be better off alone, or I wish I could get a divorce. Now that its come to pass Im just so sick to my stomach.

 

I could keep going on and on about this situation but I wont. I think you all can understand this situation Im in......Not sure what Im looking for as far as replies go, but I really just need some friends and someone to lean on other than family members.

 

Thanks for listening :'( Eileen

[River Rain]

Sorry you're hurting Of course it hurts, of course you can't stop crying. Can you try not contacting him? You don't sound at all ready for the "just friends" b.s. part of it. Sorry, I'm a very strong believer that "just being friends" does more harm than good (unless kids are involved that is). I had to rip my ex off like a bandaid, and that's the only way I've been able to move on. If you cancel your plans to see him and he doesn't show interest...if you expect him to show interest, you're just hurting yourself even more I think. If it were me, I'd just stay away from him for as long as possible until I could heal.

[FocusOnMe]

Sorry you're hurting Of course it hurts, of course you can't stop crying. Can you try not contacting him? You don't sound at all ready for the "just friends" b.s. part of it. Sorry, I'm a very strong believer that "just being friends" does more harm than good (unless kids are involved that is). I had to rip my ex off like a bandaid, and that's the only way I've been able to move on. If you cancel your plans to see him and he doesn't show interest...if you expect him to show interest, you're just hurting yourself even more I think. If it were me, I'd just stay away from him for as long as possible until I could heal.

 

Yes, I have been in NC with him since yesterday. I cannot be friends with someone who can do this to me, I realize that now, it is only painful for me "just being friends" especially when I asked him to hang with me and he lied, then seen him at the bowling alley with his skank :'( There are no kids involved, but we do share a house together, which he is no longer living in, and is constantly telling me that he wants to "help me" with house stuff if need be. I feel like I kinda ripped the bandaid off yesterday, after realizing that a friend would not 1) cheat on me; 2) leave me and replace me like a hub cap; 3) sweep me away like a dust ball; and 4) lie, and lie and lie for months and months .....I understand now that his actions speak multitudes and his not questioning me or arguing is a clear sign that he just doesnt care anymore, and that is the toughest pill to swallow....

[River Rain]

I'm so glad you came to those realizations. Sometimes we're just so blinded with humiliation we feel the need to keep connecting and connecting and it just makes everything worse. That pill is still stuck in my throat at moments. But time helps, and distraction. For me, words are nice, but yes, it's the actions that count, good or bad, it shows the true self. You can be strong. Let yourself grieve, but yes, try to stay away as much as possible. Take care of yourself too. I found that when I'm weak, not eating or sleeping, that I'm more susceptible to wanting that connection again. When I'm in good shape, taking care of myself and exercising, my will is much stronger.

[FocusOnMe]

RR, can I Private Message you?

[River Rain]

I don't think I have pm'ing yet, still too new and I'd rather not give out my email on a public forum. We can talk here though.

[FocusOnMe]

I want to call him :'((((((( I just want it to go back to the way it was which I know is a dream...and now its Friday night, I have no plans, no one to go out with, and Im alone.....

[FocusOnMe]

He says he has "alot of feelings still for me" but is not in love with me, and last Friday said, in his heart of hearts he does not think he can love me again.....so now what do I do? I have no choice but to let this and him go?

 

There is also an OW too, so that just negates any chance of us being one again..........

[Yasuandio]

Eileen,

 

So sorry to hear of your pain, and I certainly do understand. Firstly, you had the good sense to go NC for 9 days. Then came the visit with the dog - and the "psudo-attempt" to resolve matters. He is what what might learn from that experience, and suggested annswers:

 

(1) The pet(s) may become an easy excuse for him to come to the house to keep tabs on you.

 

Answer. He abadoned the home, and marriage. In so doing, he has abandoned the pet. The pet is merely an excuse to stay connected to you as a "Plan B." Of course, you are worth more than that, and pet visits need to cease.

 

(2) You husband has demonstrated that he is a selfish "cake-eater," he wants you and the girl at the same time.

 

Answer. At best, your husband has shown he is capable of cheating - and cheater often cheat again. At worst, husband may have other kettles cooking as well - you never know. None of these situations are unacceptable, period. You should not have to pester him to death to get to the bottom of the issue. Transparancy, period. Marriage or the affair, period. It will be your "Plan B" now (see Marriage Builder's website).

 

(3) The fact he had the affair shows that your trust and loyality to your husband has been violated. If he tried to deny, hide, or minimize the affair, that just deepens the trust issues.

 

Answer. The only answer is for the guilty party to earn your trust and loyalty back - in time. He is no where near that point, to be sure. You must put a high value on this, Ellen, no matter how terrible you are feeling. If you just let him come right back - he will soon do it again.

 

Ellen, he knows he's in trouble, and he "probably," realizes you are a woman of value and "may not" want to lose you (or at least, he's on th fence, many people are anyway, at this point). That "may" be why he is coming around. You never really know with a person who has such low morals - and will even have the nerve go so low as to try to keep you and the other girl at the same time (hense, cake-eat).

 

Come up with an excuse abut the dog - just decide who is going to get the dog - and that's it. The dog cannot be used as an convienent means to see each other.

 

For example: My husband left the dog and me. She suffered a period of depression when she missed him - she loved him very much, and always looked forward to jumping into his arms at night. He has indicated no interest - therefore - the dog is now mine. I helped her cope by getting a new puppy and we are a new family now. Finished and done. He wants now to come to the house to see if any other belongings are here - after 3.5 years, and divorce has now finished. My answer - NO WAY. I do not want my little dog to smell his scent in here and get her confused again. That's it.

 

Hard and fast choices - you stick to them. Just get ready - as his "bowling gal" days are numbered. These things don't last. Stick by your guns, Ellen, your recovery is number one here. One thing you can count on, you certainly will not automatically feel happy if he comes back into the house. It won't last until and unless you get at the heart of this issue - and why it happened to start with (that's not happening anytime soon based on your husband's character as you decribed it, in my opinion). Yas

[River Rain]

Choice is the word you have to focus on. You have to choose to move on and accept that it's over or else you'll continue to be in pain. Of course he says he has "lots of feelings for you", you were together so feelings will always exist. But if he doesn't love you, and he has another woman...you have to do what's best for you and throw him to the curb. And no matter what, don't call him. I made that mistake early on and it only served to humiliate me.

[FocusOnMe]

So here is the current situation. He has a bowling ball of mine that I need for tomorrow, so I "told" him this morning, by text, to leave the bowling ball in the garage on his way home (indicating that I did not want to see hiim); he texts me back just a few mins ago that his car is parked by the bridge, so can he bring the ball tomorrow. I said ok, what time, he said 10:00 am, I said, ok, just leave it in the garage (meaning, I dont want to see him and he cannot see Bogey). All communication is by text message now. I dont want to even hear his voice!!! Im so pissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssed!!!

 

I think I handled it good. I have not received a response yet.

[geegirl]

I want to call him :'((((((( I just want it to go back to the way it was which I know is a dream...and now its Friday night, I have no plans, no one to go out with, and Im alone.....

 

I remember when I separated from my husband and I moved out to an old beat up apartment. It was empty. It was dark and all I had were plastic grocery bags filled with clothes. I sat in the middle of the living room and cried my eyes out. I remember it was a Friday. I was alone. I understand how you feel, Focus.

 

Please don't reach out to him seeking comfort. He cannot give that to you. He is your source of pain. All that you will receive is hurt and while contact may numb you just for a little while, you will still have to go back to where you started and face the reality of what is ahead of you.

 

He may have feelings for you because I am sure there is still an attachment but it isn't an attachment that breeds love. Please don't confuse his words for hope or feelings of reciprocal love.

 

I wish I could tell you that there's an alternative to the pain. There isn't. You have to go through it to get past it. If you call him it shows him that even when he is with OW and even when he tells you he does not love you, you would let him walk all over you. Please don't. It's better to be alone then to be with someone and still feel alone.

 

It's Friday night. Use this night to unwind and care for yourself. Run a hot bath. Order your favorite take-out. Get in your most comfy pajamas. Rent a funny movie. Snuggle with your doggie on the couch and make this night a relaxing one for you. It's time to start loving yourself.

 

If you call him, and you don't get the response you want, you will have made this Friday night even worse for yourself. And even if you did get the response you want, you will have to face your days ahead without him.

 

Come here and vent and seek help before you reach out to him.

[River Rain]

The next step is to just assume the ball will be there when you check for it and don't sit and expect a response. It's just a bowling ball and if you can't work out when he'll drop it off, you can buy a new one. Make sure you don't keep engaging in the text messaging. It's still contact, whether it's phone or text right? And DON'T go out to see him tomorrow because you might be tempted, in fact, better that maybe you spend the morning far away from the house.

[trippi1432]

Hi Focus - Yas has given you some tremendously thought out advice here. I would say print that out and put it on your fridge to remind you when you feel weak.

 

I'm so sorry you are here under these circumstances, but please know that you are in good company from people who have been right where you are, so you are not alone.

[geegirl]

So here is the current situation. He has a bowling ball of mine that I need for tomorrow, so I "told" him this morning, by text, to leave the bowling ball in the garage on his way home (indicating that I did not want to see hiim); he texts me back just a few mins ago that his car is parked by the bridge, so can he bring the ball tomorrow. I said ok, what time, he said 10:00 am, I said, ok, just leave it in the garage (meaning, I dont want to see him and he cannot see Bogey). All communication is by text message now. I dont want to even hear his voice!!! Im so pissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssed!!!

 

I think I handled it good. I have not received a response yet.

 

Stuff is often used to keep the door open for communication.

 

At 10:00AM tomorrow, leave the house so you don't engage. If he doesn't leave the ball, get a new one. Don't use this as an excuse to provoke reactions or test the waters.

 

You have to try and NC. Nothing good will come out of contact.

[trippi1432]

Focus - geegirl is correct, the bowling ball is NOT important, Wally World sells them, heck make it a reason to go shopping for a new one. DO NOT ENGAGE!! I cannot tell you how important that is for YOU. NC NC NC!

[Yasuandio]

The next step is to just assume the ball will be there when you check for it and don't sit and expect a response. It's just a bowling ball and if you can't work out when he'll drop it off, you can buy a new one. Make sure you don't keep engaging in the text messaging. It's still contact, whether it's phone or text right? And DON'T go out to see him tomorrow because you might be tempted, in fact, better that maybe you spend the morning far away from the house.

 

LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE WORD FOR WORD! Yas

[FocusOnMe]

Eileen,

 

So sorry to hear of your pain, and I certainly do understand. Firstly, you had the good sense to go NC for 9 days. Then came the visit with the dog - and the "psudo-attempt" to resolve matters. He is what what might learn from that experience, and suggested annswers:

 

(1) The pet(s) may become an easy excuse for him to come to the house to keep tabs on you.

 

Answer. He abadoned the home, and marriage. In so doing, he has abandoned the pet. The pet is merely an excuse to stay connected to you as a "Plan B." Of course, you are worth more than that, and pet visits need to cease.

 

------------------------------

 

Yes, I agree, but honestly in my heart I do not think he cares on keeping tabs on me, I told him I went out to dinner with an old high school friend and he didnt even question it. His reaction was, "did you have a good time?" As far as Bogey goes, there is going to be an issue down the line with the dog, he wants visitation right and Im going to have to fight him on that through the lawyers because I dont want him to have Bogey at all!!! Like you said, he left "us" , now he wants visits with Bogey. I want to tell him to get his own Bogey!!! Btw, he took his skank to get a tattoo of the dog on his shoulder!!!

 

------------------------

 

(2) You husband has demonstrated that he is a selfish "cake-eater," he wants you and the girl at the same time.

 

Answer. At best, your husband has shown he is capable of cheating - and cheater often cheat again. At worst, husband may have other kettles cooking as well - you never know. None of these situations are unacceptable, period. You should not have to pester him to death to get to the bottom of the issue. Transparancy, period. Marriage or the affair, period. It will be your "Plan B" now (see Marriage Builder's website).

 

-----------------------------

 

I believe the only reason he wants to stay in communication with me is so that 1) I dont stop him from seeing Bogey and 2) I dont fight him in court therefore running up his lawyer bill.. As far as the cheating goes, who knows what he has done in the past while I was so trusting of him....this has only surfaced now because it was an easy "out" for him to get out of the marriage....thats what I think. As far as a Plan B for me, I have to make that decision and move on. I dont think it would even work if he did come back. I think Im fantasizing here......

 

-------------------------------

 

(3) The fact he had the affair shows that your trust and loyality to your husband has been violated. If he tried to deny, hide, or minimize the affair, that just deepens the trust issues.

 

Answer. The only answer is for the guilty party to earn your trust and loyalty back - in time. He is no where near that point, to be sure. You must put a high value on this, Ellen, no matter how terrible you are feeling. If you just let him come right back - he will soon do it again.

 

-----------------------------

 

He is not coming back anytime soon, that is loud and clear! Nor is he giving up his bowling skank either.

 

------------------------------

 

Ellen, he knows he's in trouble, and he "probably," realizes you are a woman of value and "may not" want to lose you (or at least, he's on th fence, many people are anyway, at this point). That "may" be why he is coming around. You never really know with a person who has such low morals - and will even have the nerve go so low as to try to keep you and the other girl at the same time (hense, cake-eat).

 

Come up with an excuse abut the dog - just decide who is going to get the dog - and that's it. The dog cannot be used as an convienent means to see each other.

 

------------------------------

 

Cant the dog be considered marital property?

 

-------------------------------

For example: My husband left the dog and me. She suffered a period of depression when she missed him - she loved him very much, and always looked forward to jumping into his arms at night. He has indicated no interest - therefore - the dog is now mine. I helped her cope by getting a new puppy and we are a new family now. Finished and done. He wants now to come to the house to see if any other belongings are here - after 3.5 years, and divorce has now finished. My answer - NO WAY. I do not want my little dog to smell his scent in here and get her confused again. That's it.

 

Hard and fast choices - you stick to them. Just get ready - as his "bowling gal" days are numbered. These things don't last. Stick by your guns, Ellen, your recovery is number one here. One thing you can count on, you certainly will not automatically feel happy if he comes back into the house. It won't last until and unless you get at the heart of this issue - and why it happened to start with (that's not happening anytime soon based on your husband's character as you decribed it, in my opinion). Yas

 

-------------------------------

 

Yas, thank you so much for your reply, I wish there was a way to talk more privately. I really need to "talk!" :'(

[FocusOnMe]

I remember when I separated from my husband and I moved out to an old beat up apartment. It was empty. It was dark and all I had were plastic grocery bags filled with clothes. I sat in the middle of the living room and cried my eyes out. I remember it was a Friday. I was alone. I understand how you feel, Focus.

 

Please don't reach out to him seeking comfort. He cannot give that to you. He is your source of pain. All that you will receive is hurt and while contact may numb you just for a little while, you will still have to go back to where you started and face the reality of what is ahead of you.

 

He may have feelings for you because I am sure there is still an attachment but it isn't an attachment that breeds love. Please don't confuse his words for hope or feelings of reciprocal love.

 

I wish I could tell you that there's an alternative to the pain. There isn't. You have to go through it to get past it. If you call him it shows him that even when he is with OW and even when he tells you he does not love you, you would let him walk all over you. Please don't. It's better to be alone then to be with someone and still feel alone.

 

It's Friday night. Use this night to unwind and care for yourself. Run a hot bath. Order your favorite take-out. Get in your most comfy pajamas. Rent a funny movie. Snuggle with your doggie on the couch and make this night a relaxing one for you. It's time to start loving yourself.

 

If you call him, and you don't get the response you want, you will have made this Friday night even worse for yourself. And even if you did get the response you want, you will have to face your days ahead without him.

 

Come here and vent and seek help before you reach out to him.

 

GG, thank you so much, Im in tears, you and everyone are so right. I am not calling him, I dont want to see him or hear his voice, and your right, I wont get comfort, he is my source of pain which needs to be eliminated!! I just dont want to be alone, I know and feel the pain you felt that day in your apartment....its a horrible, lonely place and its how I feel right now. I really just want this to be over with, make him take his stuff, send the divorce papers and GOOOOOOOO! Im tired of making progress and then slipping back into his lies because it feels good for "a day", then Im right back where I started with this pain again.

[FocusOnMe]

The next step is to just assume the ball will be there when you check for it and don't sit and expect a response. It's just a bowling ball and if you can't work out when he'll drop it off, you can buy a new one. Make sure you don't keep engaging in the text messaging. It's still contact, whether it's phone or text right? And DON'T go out to see him tomorrow because you might be tempted, in fact, better that maybe you spend the morning far away from the house.

 

RR, I have every intention of NOT being there tomorrow morning when he comes...and neither will Bogey! There was an exchange in text messages. Now in addition to leaving the ball, he wants to take his bike because (and he had to let me know this???) he wants to ride it in brooklyn. So I said, "well then take everything and you have sh*t upstairs too....I need to start packing my stuff...unreal" So he writes back "i just wanted the bike so i can ride in brooklyn, i'll take what I can there is not alot of room but i'll do the best I can." I wrote back "Yea, ride in brooklyn? why even tell me this, please your lies are ridiculous!" He wrote back "Eileen, I want to ride by the shore, whatever." I wrote back "yea, whatever, take your stuff and leave my ball...10:00!" He wrote back "OK"

 

I probably shouldnt have engaged all of that but I want to get my point across that Im pretty much done with him....do you think I did alright, or talked too much?

[FocusOnMe]

Focus - geegirl is correct, the bowling ball is NOT important, Wally World sells them, heck make it a reason to go shopping for a new one. DO NOT ENGAGE!! I cannot tell you how important that is for YOU. NC NC NC!

 

Yes, I agree, Im trying, I really really am.....*deep breath*

[trippi1432]

*Deep Breath*!! This is about controlling you. I KNOW what you are going through hun...a lot of people here on LS helped me get control over this early on three years ago....stop engaging.

[FocusOnMe]

*Deep Breath*!! This is about controlling you. I KNOW what you are going through hun...a lot of people here on LS helped me get control over this early on three years ago....stop engaging.

 

Well, Im going to have to until he gets the rest of his sh*t out :'( Can the dog be considered marital property?

[Yasuandio]

I fully understand your need to talk. You need fifty posts to communicate privately with members. What area of the country do you live, Ellen?

 

You do not seem hopeful at all. So - implement NC - and be done with it.

 

Marital property most likes varies a bit from state to state. But the dog is chattle - property. Plus, he abandoned the dog - you need to KEEP IT THAT WAY! No more "visitation crap," period. It just causes the dog confusion. My same and true reasoning is good enough for you to use to. He left you guys, and that's that.

 

Now -- with regards to you texting and calling him, and/or responding thereto. Don't do it. You will just feel and look desparate.

 

I will give you another personal example. My divorce decree says I get all property out of one of the houses - I just wanted two things. One was something I can easily replace, the other thing I wanted were some handmade velvet draperies, I constructed, with a lot of work. He did not bring the stuff over, nor did he pick his stuff up as was arranged.

 

Here is how I'm gonna handle. First - screw my stuff - I can always make more drapery. It is just not worth it. As for his stuff - UPS, period. No calls, texts, letters, complaints, attorneys, done. Total disegagment. I went thru the assigned motions, and he did not, so that's that, period.

 

Ellen - You got to start to study up on detachment. It is not easy. But having NC helps tremendously. Yas

[FocusOnMe]

I fully understand your need to talk. You need fifty posts to communicate privately with members. What area of the country do you live, Ellen?

 

You do not seem hopeful at all. So - implement NC - and be done with it.

 

Marital property most likes varies a bit from state to state. But the dog is chattle - property. Plus, he abandoned the dog - you need to KEEP IT THAT WAY! No more "visitation crap," period. It just causes the dog confusion. My same and true reasoning is good enough for you to use to. He left you guys, and that's that.

 

Now -- with regards to you texting and calling him, and/or responding thereto. Don't do it. You will just feel and look desparate.

 

I will give you another personal example. My divorce decree says I get all property out of one of the houses - I just wanted two things. One was something I can easily replace, the other thing I wanted were some handmade velvet draperies, I constructed, with a lot of work. He did not bring the stuff over, nor did he pick his stuff up as was arranged.

 

Here is how I'm gonna handle. First - screw my stuff - I can always make more drapery. It is just not worth it. As for his stuff - UPS, period. No calls, texts, letters, complaints, attorneys, done. Total disegagment. I went thru the assigned motions, and he did not, so that's that, period.

 

Ellen - You got to start to study up on detachment. It is not easy. But having NC helps tremendously. Yas

 

I signed up for the one month membership...lol...which I thought entitled me to private messages. Im in New York State....would you consider talking to me on the phone? please? Im sorry and sad to say, I do feel desperate.........:'((((((