Im so crushed...I feel ruined :'(

[Raka]

If you have the rights to the stuff in the house and he hasnt come by to claim them in the legal ammount of months you have to hold on to them for, throw them away. dont give him an excuse to come back. Dont tell him you're throwing them away or threaten anything. Just tell him the next time he tries to pop by and pick up one thing that he has till XXmonth and XX day to pick it all up. dont tell him what your doing with it after that just say it needs to be gone.hell i'd light a fire and watch it burn. If he tries to contact you further about it DONT TALK BACK!!

 

Those last texts sounded reallllyy desperate. you should have just said its in the garage, take it and the rest of your stuff it has to be gone by XXmonth XX day. By saying that it wasnt the reason he wanted the bike was telling him that you want the real reason why he wanted the bike or wanted to simply pick a fight so he'll talk to you more. It will hurt him more if you DONT CARE!! Be cold and distant.

 

 

Dont contact him, go to your friends and family for support. Not feel sorry for me support, but more of lets hang out and try and enjoy life support. Go to a bar and grab a drink, go to the mall buy new clothes, test the dating pool(i dont mean sleep around, try to set yourself up emotionally).

 

I went thought this a few years back and i was so tore up i couldnt eat, sleep, enjoy any part of life. It took a couple of months but i realized that i was being stupid for wanting to try and make it work. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, who will love every bit of you.

[Yasuandio]

I signed up for the one month membership...lol...which I thought entitled me to private messages. Im in New York State....would you consider talking to me on the phone? please? Im sorry and sad to say, I do feel desperate.........:'((((((

 

 

Ellen, You have to get past this "desparate" state you are falling into, do you hear me?

 

There is no PMing for you as a new member. And it is against LS policy to give out phone numbers. So you do not want any of us compromisng our membership with LS, correct?

 

OK. The best way we can help you on LS right now - is what we are doing, right now. I want you to read thru this thread very carefully, do you promise me?

 

You have to stop spinning. We all know what is happening to you, we have all been there - spinning, feeling desparate, out of control. Stop yourself and FOCUS on these two pages. Pour yourself a glasss of wine, or take a bubblebath. Then, this is your homework. For each post you have not fully responded to, take each post, on these two pages, and respond to each one, point by point.

 

This is going to keep you busy for a while. And it is going to help you absorb the advice you have received here. Will you do this, Elllen? Yas

[Stephanie]

To All: She is a contributing member so she has PM capability. I have tested it; it works.

 

OP another section of the site you might get some help from is the Infidelity section. You can't cross post here (copy and paste your opening post here into another thread there) but you can certainly start a thread there about the infidelity if you need help with that aspect. Your story really fits in either section, so get all the help you can in both places.

 

Moderators don't typically participate in threads but since I am addressing this admin issue anyway, I'll throw out there the "180". Maybe some members will expand on that for you. It would be helpful in your situation.

[trippi1432]

Thank you Stephanie....folks, you have to add her to your contacts in case you have turned off getting PM's from non-contacts.

[FocusOnMe]

Thank you Stephanie and yes, I am going to listen to everyone's help...I am on the iPhone right now and difficult to type, so I will be back later and address everything....

 

On a positive note a very nice gentleman is taking me out to dinner tonight First smile of the day ...

[Yasuandio]

To All: She is a contributing member so she has PM capability. I have tested it; it works.

 

OP another section of the site you might get some help from is the Infidelity section. You can't cross post here (copy and paste your opening post here into another thread there) but you can certainly start a thread there about the infidelity if you need help with that aspect. Your story really fits in either section, so get all the help you can in both places.

 

Moderators don't typically participate in threads but since I am addressing this admin issue anyway, I'll throw out there the "180". Maybe some members will expand on that for you. It would be helpful in your situation.

 

 

With Stephanies clarifiations in mind, you may PM me, Ellen, if you desire. I just finished re-reading you thread. There is a lot to absorb there. I think you should take my homework project seriously. And too, cross threading over to "infidelity" may be also a great idea. Hope you are doing better, Yas

 

PS The 180's are the bomb! Try googling Divorce Busters - it is there somewhere. Or hopefully someone will give u a link. I'm not very tech savvy, sorry.

Edited October 5, 2012 by Yasuandio

[Yasuandio]

Thank you Stephanie and yes, I am going to listen to everyone's help...I am on the iPhone right now and difficult to type, so I will be back later and address everything....

 

On a positive note a very nice gentleman is taking me out to dinner tonight First smile of the day ...

 

 

BRAVO! What else can you ask for?? Zip your lip on the personal problems, and enjoy! Screw the homework. Yas

[Steadfast]

Others have listed this, but pasting it in one more time can't hurt. The 180:

 

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
   
2. No frequent phone calls.
   
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
   
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
   
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
   
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
   
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
   
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
   
9. Don't schedule dates together.
   
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
    
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
    
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
    
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue. No matter how much you want to!
    
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
    
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life. Without them!
    
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available. Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
    
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
    
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while).
    
20. Initiate no such conversation.
    
21. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
    
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
    
23. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
    
24. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
    
25. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by not saying anything.
    
26. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
    
27. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
    
28. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
    
29. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
    
30. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
    
31. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
    
32. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
    
33. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
    
34. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.
    

This is more than enough to chew on for now...even if you've seen it before. I'll add a reinforcing thought to be true to yourself, for yourself. I did the 180 with my ex and it didn't reunite us. By the time she began to 'get' what some of these points suggest a wayward spouse might, I had already moved on with my life. It was the right thing to do. It's a solid list.

Edited October 6, 2012 by Steadfast

[MsOptimist]

I know how you're feeling and it's truly awful. I'm moving out this weekend and seeing my stbx is ruining the progress I've made. He had been staying away until I move and today he was around and we also had to discuss a few last minute things and it tore me apart. Sobbing on the ground. I haven't cried this hard since he told me it was over (he told me a lot of the same things he told you) or the day he told me he was staying elsewhere til I moved. Half of me wants him here and the other half hates him for doing this. I hate hurting this badly.

[FocusOnMe]

Hello everyone! I had a great day today, after a great evening with a Scottish lad who was most charming, and all the great advise and experiences that everyone shared with me yesterday. Today, I am PISSED! Im not over it by any means. and still have quite a ways to go, but today for the first time since this nightmare started I feel liberated! However, I still had the urge to drive by his skank's house, or drive by the bowling alley, to see if he was there. But I DIDNT! So that is a big step for me right there.

 

I havent had a chance to read through the whole thread yet but have read the last couple of posts that were made and I thank you and everyone for your replies. I am wondering now that when this divorce is served on me if I should be so accomodating? My thinking now is why should I be nice? When all this first started he claimed "I could have everything" and Im thinking now why shouldnt I "get" everything?!?

 

One thing is for sure, he will not ever see Bogey again! I know that is the dearest thing to him and that is what I will keep from him. He will never see Bogey again.

 

Second, I do not want him to get 1/2 of my 401k. Does anyone know that if I contest this divorce if I would be able to get my demands met if he is desperate enough for this divorce to go through?

 

Can someone explain to me what happens when a divorce is contested?

 

Eileen

[FocusOnMe]

I know how you're feeling and it's truly awful. I'm moving out this weekend and seeing my stbx is ruining the progress I've made. He had been staying away until I move and today he was around and we also had to discuss a few last minute things and it tore me apart. Sobbing on the ground. I haven't cried this hard since he told me it was over (he told me a lot of the same things he told you) or the day he told me he was staying elsewhere til I moved. Half of me wants him here and the other half hates him for doing this. I hate hurting this badly.

 

I know how your feeling, its so awful :'( But try and stay strong. I totally am disconnecting from him. No Contact at all. I guess the next contact we have will be through his lawyer, but for now I must stay clear of him and try and regroup my life and start to move on. This is literally killing me inside as you can tell from my posts, but I have gotten so much strength from the people who have responded to me and I am so grateful for that.

 

The part of wanting him here and hating him at the same time is daunting....but the way I see it now, after all he has done to me, and his stupid pacifying ways, Ive come to the conclusion that I DONT want him here, ever again! As much as this hurts me to say, I dont want to ever see him again and the thought of him not being in my life, for the rest of my life is so very sad. I thought I had a life with this man, I trusted this man with everything I had and he betrayed that trust and treated me like an idiot. I am so awake now to the type of person I am dealing with, and this person was NOT my husband, the man I married. He is a totally different person now and I just have to let him go for my own safety and health :'(

[Steadfast]

Apologies for sounding pedantic, I see its a list of rules, but may I ask its 'purpose'? I'm guessing from the name, its perhaps a way to 'reverse' (i.e. 180) the course of a bad relationship (and one's life who is experiencing such). Turn around. Is this correct?

 

It isn't incorrect, but there's more.

 

The 180 helps the betrayed spouse no matter what the wayward spouse does or decides. It's a 'reprogramming' of one's mindset that positively effects your thoughts and actions. Instinct moves us to pursue and fix the relationship; to reinforce our feelings to the wayward spouse in an attempt to show them how much we love them. To 'love them out' of leaving. To make up for whatever wrong we think might have caused them back away.

 

Of course, 99% of the time, this only pushes them away farther. That's why I advise people to ignore their instincts. Those loving instincts and actions are given and shared by people who truly care and desire each other. Who want to please their spouse and show them they're appreciated. The wayward doesn't deserve your devotion and they know it. So why give it? Doing so makes you a doormat. No one respects that. Without respect there can be no attraction. No attraction? No loving desire.

 

It's all pretty simple really. The 180 puts you where you need to be.

[GuyInLimbo]

What I don't get is this "Let's try to be friends" thing. What's the point of that, exactly? Way too much history. Trust has been violated. So...... why bother? If you don't have kids, end it and move on.

[FocusOnMe]

Exactly GIL, thats what Im doing now. There is no friend here or friendship, not when he's scr*wing someone else, leaving me to go hang out with her. Its all just a selfish ploy on his part to keep things civil so "he" wont get hammmered with lawyer's fees, and probably also a part of it might be to help him feel not so guilty for what he has done, if he even feels any guilt or remorse.

 

I dont know anymore what to think or feel. All I know if that Ive been abandoned by someone I thought loved me, and that is what hurts the most at this point. :'(

[FocusOnMe]

Hello all, I just wanted to update everyone on whats been going on with me since last I posted. I went to see a therapist on Monday night which went very well. Im going to see her again. Of course there never is enough time to tell the whole story but I will be seeing her again and Im sure there will be plenty of time for me to get it all sorted out.

 

I have had no contact now since Friday morning which in itself has been good for me but also has been causing me some grief. Today is his birthday and Im sad. Wish I could say I really dont give a sh*t, but I do. Still miss the cheating sack of sh*t, but it is what it is. He has not tried to contact me either, nor has he tried or asked to see the dog. Spoke to my lawyer yesterday who thinks that him not asking to see the dog plays in my favor. Still have not received any word as to when Im being served with the divorce papers, and my lawyer thinks that if we do not have the service paper/letter by next week then I should initiate contact and ask for the letter to be sent.

 

I cannot understand why he is dragging his feet now on this. He seemed so hellbent on getting out, being with his skank, and not loving me, so now why the hesitation? Is he waiting for me to initiate? I dont get it. :'(

 

Been seeing a Scottish fella, he came to visit last night and we had a nice dinner and a few drinks, it was quite lovely and he is so very nice, and comforting. I thank God for his kindness at this difficult time for me which he knows about and is very understanding........

 

Anyway, the days have been slightly better since the no contact rule was implimented....but Im still crying...cannot seem to go one day without crying or feeling so lonely, or missing him, or feeling that awful void.....wish this was over already........

[Owl]

Rather than you reaching out to him asking about the papers...have your lawyer contact his lawyer.

 

There's no reason for you to break NC at this point.

 

Also...be careful about how much you're relying on the "Scottish lad".

 

Focus on learning to be yourself, by yourself, for yourself.

[FocusOnMe]

Rather than you reaching out to him asking about the papers...have your lawyer contact his lawyer.

 

There's no reason for you to break NC at this point.

 

Also...be careful about how much you're relying on the "Scottish lad".

 

Focus on learning to be yourself, by yourself, for yourself.

 

I have no idea who his lawyer is....his lawyer is supposed to send me a letter asking me how I would like to be served, either by mail or hand; however, XH is supposed to tell him when to send the letter, so far nothing!!! So I have no way of finding out who his lawyer is.

 

As far as the Scottish lad goes, he knows my situation, Ive explained to him that there is no way I could ever entertain any kind of relationship, at this point, and we enjoy each other's company. I dont see him everyday, maybe once a week and its only been twice since Ive seen him. Honestly, I have enough time to focus on myself and the one night a week that I might see him is enough for some companionship and comfort. He's happy to oblige, btw.

[MsOptimist]

Hello all, I just wanted to update everyone on whats been going on with me since last I posted. I went to see a therapist on Monday night which went very well. Im going to see her again. Of course there never is enough time to tell the whole story but I will be seeing her again and Im sure there will be plenty of time for me to get it all sorted out.

 

I have had no contact now since Friday morning which in itself has been good for me but also has been causing me some grief. Today is his birthday and Im sad. Wish I could say I really dont give a sh*t, but I do. Still miss the cheating sack of sh*t, but it is what it is. He has not tried to contact me either, nor has he tried or asked to see the dog. Spoke to my lawyer yesterday who thinks that him not asking to see the dog plays in my favor. Still have not received any word as to when Im being served with the divorce papers, and my lawyer thinks that if we do not have the service paper/letter by next week then I should initiate contact and ask for the letter to be sent.

 

I cannot understand why he is dragging his feet now on this. He seemed so hellbent on getting out, being with his skank, and not loving me, so now why the hesitation? Is he waiting for me to initiate? I dont get it. :'(

 

Been seeing a Scottish fella, he came to visit last night and we had a nice dinner and a few drinks, it was quite lovely and he is so very nice, and comforting. I thank God for his kindness at this difficult time for me which he knows about and is very understanding........

 

Anyway, the days have been slightly better since the no contact rule was implimented....but Im still crying...cannot seem to go one day without crying or feeling so lonely, or missing him, or feeling that awful void.....wish this was over already........

 

I'm glad you saw a therapist - seeing mine has been a big help so far, I always feel good after a session. It both lets me get out a lot of thoughts and emotion and he reinforces that my feelings are valid and that I'm dealing with all of this in a constructive way.

 

My stbx's birthday is first to come up near the holidays and I'm not looking forward to that day either. I'm sure I'll feel the same as you - not want to give a **** but probably will think about it and wonder if I should contact him.

 

I'm in the same boat as far as my stbx saying he wanted to file right away and get it over with, and now he seems to be dragging his feet. I have no idea why.

 

You will eventually be able to go a day without crying - I didn't think it was possible either, but I have had several no-cry days recently! I went out to dinner last night with a friend and it was actually the first time in 2 months that I dared to wear mascara - and it felt good! I dressed up, had a fantastic meal, had a glass of wine, and I didn't cry even when discussing the divorce! You'll get there someday too. I know I still have many bad days ahead but it's nice to start to feel good once in awhile again.