Asking for advice on the final decision...

[SF33M]

A few of you have been reading about my situation in other posts here and know that all has come out and I am moving forward with the decision to get divorced. My wife has suddenly tried to subtly make a change and is asking me if I am sure that I want to do this. She is wanting me to forgive her for her dishonesty and lies and says she understands that she is very demanding. She is going to make an appt. to go to counseling to help her with that problem if I stay or not. She has said that she loves me very much and does not care about anything anymore (house, children, etc.) all of the things that she pushed on me, she just would like us to be together.

 

Now I am faced with the decision to try again or not. This feels so uncomfortable, since we have all of the papers and are ready to pull the trigger on the divorce and split of the house and now this sudden change of heart on her part. Some have told me that I should give it on last chance. Others have told me to follow my heart, but it is not telling me much. She has told me so many things about us not being compatible, not wanting the same things in life, not wanting a child this year, all her lies about wanting to find out what being with an old flame would be like, etc.

 

This is so confusing to me. I was ready to just move on and now this is another hurdle I feel I must face. Any opinons out there on what you have done or what you think your experience in a similar situation would help me in making a decision?

 

P.S. I did not go into detail regarding the entire situation here because it is in a recent post here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43142/

[HokeyReligions]

I didn't read your other post, but if the problems in your marriage are/were that severe it doesn't sound like she can really make the changes that she claims and have those changes be permanent. It sounds like a last ditch effort to save a marriage, but that old habits and problems will eventually creep back in and you will be right back at the drop-off again soon. She may be perfectly honest about it and its not a manipulative measure, but its like dieting. You start off with a bang and lose a lot of weight, but most diets fail and the people end up bigger than before. The thing is to change a behavior and when you are dealing with a marriage and communication, you need some help and guidance from a professional sometimes---and, as great as LoveShack is---we are not therapists. We don't know you or your wife personally. Our advice comes from what we read here and not voice inflection, tone, or knowing you and our wife. You need that personal attention from a trained professional, addressing the specifics of the problems.

 

My thoughts: Have you tried a separation first? If the material things (house, etc.) are not that big of an issue, sell and move apart. Just don't file the divorce papers yet. Go to counseling together, and make an effort to change and grow and mature. You can 'date' each other, but no sex or anything else for a while that would distract you from honest communication with each other.

[Megan5P]

Let me just tell you this - I recently got divorced. Ask yourself right now what things will be like a year from now if you stay together and try to make it work. Then picture yourself divorced and out of an exhaustive emotional situation. Are you better off with her or without her?

 

I personally feel that once trust is broken it's extremely difficult to re-establish. Counseling just postpones the inevitable. Me and my ex went to counseling and it was a joke. A counselor basically just listens - they can't take sides and can't offer advice other than say "How do you think we can resolve these issues?".

 

You need to go with your gut feelings - does the thought of staying together and working things out make you nauseated or feel relieved? How does the thought of ending it and going on with your life make you feel?

 

It's better to be single and healthy sometimes - just alot of people can't handle the thought of being alone again for a while until someone better comes along.

 

Good luck to you - just follow your gut feelings and you'll make the right decision. Don't let anyone else make the decision for you.