jay27 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 I had a suspicion about my live-in boyfriend of two years. I checked his email, which led me to a site called Ashley Madison. It is a site for attached people looking for affairs. I found his bio: Believe it or not, I'm just looking for a hot and steamy affair with a gorgeous woman...no strings attached. Whether it's an ongoing thing or a one-night stand all depends on the woman. I am in a good relationship but the excitement has just gone out of it. I'm not looking to get serious with anyone else...just some good, clean, shake the walls sex. He also had a picture up, it was one that was taken of us on holiday, but he had digitally removed me from the picture. I also found an incredibly explicit email from him to another woman. Can't repeat anything that he said on this post... I thought I was going to marry him...I thought he was about to propose...everything seemed perfect... He says he was just bored at work and that it meant nothing. I don't know whether to leave him or not...two years is so much time to throw away, but I feel that this was emotional cheating. He says it never went past the online stuff, but how do I believe him? What does anyone else think? Was this cheating? Should I really throw two years away over this. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 leave him. he's gonna do it again. two years seems a long time to throw away but it's better than wasting another two or three or ten or twenty years on a guy that isn't even trying to be faithful. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 He wants to have his cake and eat it too ( a phrase I kind of dislike, but whatever...) He's got you (the nice girl) and he like having that kind of security, but he also wants to have his hot little piece of ass on the side (even better when it's the forbidden fruit...). His intentions were to have an affair and cheat on you. 99 times out of a 100 he would probably do the exact same thing again, and he probably will in the future. Your call bud. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Whether it was cheating, can only be determined by you. Everyone is going to have their own opinions and morals on this issue. The real question here is DID he cheat on you physically? You need to find that out. Even if he didn't, what he did was pretty horrendous. Bored or not, it's inappropriate to post something like that and then talk dirty to another woman in an e-mail. How will you be able to trust him again? He obviously wants more excitement in your relationship so maybe you could work on that, if you decide you want to give him another chance. I think you finding this out just shows what kind of a person he is. Proceed with caution. Link to post Share on other sites
Firegirl04 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 DUMP HIM!!! My best friend had the same thing happen to her a few months after they were married. He told her it was all on-line. He also said he would never do it again. Two weeks later he returned everything he had bought for their new house and left to go meet somegirl from Colorado. Now she is having to file for divorce. Losing a stepson and trying to mend a broken heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 After 2 years, he is bored. He did not make the 7 year 15 year or the 25 year itch. He thought he could get away with it. Maybe he will change because he got caught. My wife got caught 3 years ago and is still trying to deceiving me. I don'twant to say it's a sicknbess like drinking but he should be able to give his all to you. Both parties need to give there all, layalty, honest truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 man my spelling is terrible Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 I posted on the other thread you started. Can we please just post once? No reason to have the same thing showing up on multiple threads.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jay27 Posted July 27, 2004 Author Share Posted July 27, 2004 I guess I just thought he'd never hurt me...but he lied. He says he still loves me, but where was "love" when he was Photoshop-ing me out of our holiday picture??? Now he wants me to trust him...trust that he didn't physically cheat, trust that he won't do it again... Now he's actually getting angry AT ME because I haven't said that I will or won't stay with him. IT'S ONLY BEEN 24 HOURS SINCE I FOUND OUT! He also thinks that I am completely blowing up the whole situation and that no-one should break up over something like this...HELLO! He was trawling for sex online...yet he says since he didn't want to do anything physical with those women he chatted with, it's all ok and I should forget about it. He says he's sorry (and I believe him) but I think he's more sorry about getting caught than actually being sorry for what he's done. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 you will have too trust your instinct. Can you ever trust him, will you hold back from him because of trust or can you just say, I don't care go ahead and do it. He is going to be angry because he got caught, he truly needs to decide. Also he feels inside without saying that you are controlling. He feels controlled that you know, did you argue about it when you found out. It's not your job too change him but it's no place for him in a future marriage. Olivia - does it really matter where you try to help someone. I'm sure you paid alot for this site. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Don't walk. Run. Two years in, and he's not even willing to talk to you before he goes trolling for tail on the internet? Blowing up the whole situation, my ass. People intend the logical, forseeable consequences of their actions. The only reason for going to a site like Ashley Madison is because he was planning to cheat. If was only doing it for fun and didn't plan on doing anything physical, he'd have gone to one of the innumerable chat rooms out there. But AM is a scummy site designed to facilitate actual cheating, not just the talking-about-cheating. The only reason he didn't actually go through with it (and that's assuming he hasn't already) is that you caught him. People make stupid, hurtful mistakes every day. People get caught up in the moment and do things they shouldn't have, like engage in one-night stands. But that's not what this was; this was a calculated effort aimed at finding women to cheat on you with. I wouldn't buy his story. A few years ago, I came home and discovered that my TBXW had been visiting philanderers.com and had an email account I didn't know about. I challenged her on this, and she told me that she'd been posting to bait me, because she was worried about MY fidelity. She was very indignant when I didn't swallow this right away. I told her to look me in the eye and tell me if she'd ever cheated on me. She looked me in the eye and lied. But, like the naive little idiot I was back then, I bought it. Two years later (last August, after seven years of marriage) I found out that she was a serial cheat, including an affair during the engagement and another within weeks of the wedding. I know it would be hard to "throw away" two years, but it's really not all that long. Besides, what are you really throwing away? IMHO, nothing but trash. You got a huge heads-up and an insight into his character: he'd consider cheating long before he'd come to you and talk about issues with you. At least you're not married to him yet. Do you really want to live with somebody like that, and have to go through the painful process of rebuilding trust, only to spend the next number of years (and possibly the rest of your life with him) wondering if he was still cheating on you? There are lots of trustworthy, honest guys out there. Don't waste any more time on that loser -- find somebody who's worthy of you. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve so much more than he will ever be. Link to post Share on other sites
Erratic Echo Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 Ah, Jay... You have every right to feel the way you do- somethng similar happened to me, and my boyfriend was like "How could you look through my stuff, you're making way too big a deal out of this!!" so I backed down, and oops, wouldn't you know, he had been quite popular with the ladies not only online, but offline as well. As I continued to reveal more information, it just got uglier. You have to trust your instincts on this one- I like Resevoir's point- why didn't he discuss the "excitement" issue with you before? If he sees that as a way to "fix" things, then he's got some major issues. Maybe you need some time apart to sort things through- and he needs to respect that, he needs to give you time. Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out for the best Link to post Share on other sites
Pained Posted July 27, 2004 Share Posted July 27, 2004 When you're bored you read The Onion, you send emails to people, you read the news. You DON'T do what he did. If you have any self respect, you'll drop this loser and let him know that you can't be walked all over. Please, drop him. Investment doesn't mean anything if it's a poor investment and your stock is going down. Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Jay27...run as fast as you can! Do not believe this oh I was just playing around or I had nothing better to do.! YOU DESERVE BETTER! If you stay there, he will not stop in fact it will get worse Why? because you still there after what you found! Link to post Share on other sites
kmax Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Yes, this cheating. Better now then 15 years later, like me. Believe it or not he will keep doing it. Even if it's just talk, he is taking his emotions and putting them on another women, these emotions should be aimed at you. If you can with this have at it, but I know I couldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Scorpion1691 Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 Jay27, feeling sorry , remorsefull, depressed, these are all first results. Anger is next. You have experienced that already. My wife did this to me 3 years ago. She has made other attempts since, The saying is once a liar always a liar, I guess the same goes for cheating. I have given my life for my family and it did not make any difference. Link to post Share on other sites
dreaming4ever Posted July 30, 2004 Share Posted July 30, 2004 That is absolutely DISGUSTING! I can't believe your bf of 2 years did that! Run away VERY fast!! How can you trust someone who would do something like that? I wouldn't be able to...most of the situations where spouses or partners have been caught with a thing like that on the Internet turn out that they ARE cheating, so beware!! You deserve so much better... Link to post Share on other sites
flygirl24 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I think your boyfriend is a good example of the old saying: "A man is only as faithful as his opportunities." I have met many men to whom this does not apply, but yours is not one of them. Had you not caught him, and had he found one girl that would meet him, he would be having sex with her right NOW. He is trying to guilt you into not leaving him. Don't let him do that, the other posters are right, you should run and fast. You deserve better, anyone does. Link to post Share on other sites
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