why has it taken a year to realize the extent of my injuries?

[TheCollector]

It happened last September... It's been a hard year anyway but now I feel the pain amplified recently. Pretty much since this September...

My story

I somewhat have already told my story in the separation and divorce thread. But here goes...

I had a good friend who I WORKED with. I invited over to dinner one night after work. Introduced him to my wife. (she has literally no friends) so I thought this would be good for her but didn't realise how well they would hit it off.. didn't raise a flag though cause she had been lonely for a while cause she lost all her friends to drugs and she doesn't accept that and cut ties. So anyway he started coming over and hanging out with both of us drinking beer playing video games and what not about every night. Well after a while I started getting tired of it and she made a big deal out of it so I let it continue. She started to become a person I didn't even know almost over night... Our relationship was getting worse by the day and I could see what was going on but she reassured me that it was fine and that she loved only me and I believed her...welll her flirtation with him got worse and worse...we fought more and more... Than.....she comes to me one night and admits that they kissed once......I was furious... We talked about possible divorce... She begged me and said how sorry she was.I forgave her and death-stared him every time I saw him but couldn't say anything cause I couldn't lose my job. After about 3 weeks of this she begged me to forgive him and that he was her only friend in forever.......I manned up for her and did it....biggest mistake of my life...well he started coming around again and well guess what.....my wife ends up pregnant.....

Now let me explain how the night I found out went....

I come home from work and he is on his way over right behind me to hang out.my wife says she doesn't feel right and wants to go take a test. I say ok cause we had tried to no avail (her problems not mine). He gets to my house and and all the sudden I hear screaming and thudding coming from the back bathroom. I rush in there to see what's wrong. She is in the floor sobbing unable to even breathe. I go tell him he should probably leave that something was wrong...(another big mistake) the. She proceeded to tell me that she had had sex with him unprotected about 3 wekks ago. She had sex with me like 12 hours later too..........gross..... She says she doesn't know who's it was..... Breaks my heart....I fall to the floor sobbing like this man has never wept before...I leave the house.... Just to be alone a few minutes to collect myself... I start getting suicide texts from her so I come back to the house and scoop up all the pills she had out and flushed them. After she halfway explains herself she packs a small bag and starts walking down the road(she doesn't drive and her moms apartment was an hour drive away) ... Should have let her go then...but me being concerned for the child in her belly I call her mom and tell her that her daughter is walking down the road toward her house and that she might wanna go pick her up...so her mom picks her up and brings her back to my house and her mom hugs me then says she is gonna take her to the E.R. to do a blood test to make sure and wanted to know if I would go as well. So I reluctantly went. We sat there for hours and she begged me that whole time. Finally we went back and confirmed it. Went home and went to bed since I had to be back at work in like 4 hours.......

That's how I got to find out I was gonna be a father and let me tell you that's not how you want to find out.

I will continue this in another post below.

[TheCollector]

MY LIFE IN THE DAYS AFTER.....

My wife continued to talk to him because he owed us $80 even after I told her to forget it. A few Saturdays later I had to work and while I was at work she had him stop by to pay that money and she let him back in my house! I called her on my break and she told me he was there and that they were just talking things out...well I flipped out obviously and told her to get that piece of ***** out of my house or I was on my way home right then and she had the nerve to get mad at me for being mad about it! In those few weeks we talked a lot and she on several occasions said she wasn't sure what she wanted. She said she loved me but missed his friendship. I now truly believe that she only stayed with me cause I had a better job and was a more responsible person for her and her baby...after a few weeks she started acting like her old self again and said that she was a sucker and he just used her and prayed on her neediness... And she couldnt believe she fell for it....sounds to me like passing blame...now she acts like she hates him.....

[TheCollector]

MY LIFE AFTER.......

Not only did I have to deal with this pain in a normal way but had to continue to hurt cause its been in my face in several ways every day since...

I spent 9 months not knowing if the child was mine.(agonizing)

I had to continue seeing him every day at work for about 7 months and couldnt do a thing about it cause I can't lose my job (agonizing)

His apartment where it happened is on my works street and I must drive by the crime scene every day (also agonizing)

I don't believe what she tells me...I know it was more than once and she is just minimizing it.

She ruined the excitement of my first child and the excitement of her birth cause "what if" was all I could think about...

I can't talk to her about it cause every time I do she just tries to leave.

I don't know how to cope with all this and I feel it is getting worse.

[GLDheart]

First things first: It's Ok if you leave her.

 

Many many of us good dads do our part, raise our children with the split time, and the kids come out just fine. You are allowed to have a good life you know. Lead by example. Show your child a healthy way to live. Your cheater sounds pretty broken... screwing him and you within 12 hours, threatening suicide, bringing him back in the house over $80?!?! I would light $80 on fire just to throw the flames in his face.

 

I'm sorry that this is what life has dealt you. Sometimes the sooner you fold those bad cards the sooner you move on to a better hand.

[TheCollector]

Thanks for your kind words I've just felt sooo overwhelmed lately. I don't know what to do or how to go about it...or how is work it.

[2sunny]

Thanks for your kind words I've just felt sooo overwhelmed lately. I don't know what to do or how to go about it...or how is work it.

 

Yes you do know how to go about it - you just keep CHOOSING not to DO it.

 

When you take action - things will change.

 

Change brings hope.

 

Keep doing it the same = you're bound to still feel hopeless.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not sure if I understand if the baby is yours (perhaps you don't know either) but I'm not sure it matters.

 

In order to reconcile, it takes (1) a truly remorseful wayward and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed. The second cannot come before the first. Period.

 

Some people manage to stay together thru worse than this and find a happier life. But again, the two requirements have to be met and it takes about 2-5 years to fully(?) reconcile.

 

What is your confidence level today in her true remorse? Keep in mind that they ALL say it was just once. If she is still lying, that doesn't count as true remorse.

 

What is your confidence level in your own ability to forgive if she is truly remorseful?

 

Let's start with these two basic questions.

[road]

I'm not sure if I understand if the baby is yours (perhaps you don't know either) but I'm not sure it matters.

 

In order to reconcile, it takes (1) a truly remorseful wayward and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed. The second cannot come before the first. Period.

 

Some people manage to stay together thru worse than this and find a happier life. But again, the two requirements have to be met and it takes about 2-5 years to fully(?) reconcile.

 

What is your confidence level today in her true remorse? Keep in mind that they ALL say it was just once. If she is still lying, that doesn't count as true remorse.

 

What is your confidence level in your own ability to forgive if she is truly remorseful?

 

Let's start with these two basic questions.

 

 

When you keep starting new threads we don't know things such as who's the dad?

[TheCollector]

The only reason I started a new thread is cause I thought maybe it fits better in the infidelity section. I am almost positive she is mine. I think I know what I want to do wich is divorce but I just don't know how I will work it and I'm quite honestly terrified. It's a big step for me but I think sunny is right. I think its gotta happenand heart I think you have a good point too.

[BetrayedH]

The only reason I started a new thread is cause I thought maybe it fits better in the infidelity section. I am almost positive she is mine. I think I know what I want to do wich is divorce but I just don't know how I will work it and I'm quite honestly terrified. It's a big step for me but I think sunny is right. I think its gotta happenand heart I think you have a good point too.

 

You will find good advice here (and some bad advice, too). There are a lot of excellent posters here. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

 

I'll have to catch up on your other thread later but for now, my immediate thought is that you needn't be terrified of divorce. Seriously. Life will go on and it will improve. Having a fear of the unknown is normal. And post-infidelity, it is remarkably "normal" to walk around in a daze trying to pick of the pieces of your past life after your wife dropped a nuke on it.

 

But I think you now know that you're at the point where it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start making decisions with your head instead of your heart.

 

Get imtimately familiar with your fear. You HAVE to know if this child is yours whether you divorce or not. Tomorrow morning, schedule the paternity test. Immediately after that call, contact a family law attorney for a consult. Many will do the first appt free. Get your bearings; find out your options.

 

As for your wife, you might be able to put the pieces back together but you sure as hell can't do it yourself. And if she's not busy helping, she may be geting ready to drop another nuke. You'd better get your head in the game.

 

Oh, and please take a minute to answer those two questions. Slacker.

[TheCollector]

Ok ok ill answer sorry lol. I don't feel true remorse and even if I did I don't think I can forgive...hell I still have a grudge against a guy that kicked me off a paintball team I helped create in high school... I don't forget easily

[BetrayedH]

Ok ok ill answer sorry lol. I don't feel true remorse and even if I did I don't think I can forgive...hell I still have a grudge against a guy that kicked me off a paintball team I helped create in high school... I don't forget easily

 

I appreciate your honesty.

 

Look, reconciling from infidelity is ridiculously tough. There's no getting around those two requirements and that is just the tip of the iceberg. The path is very narrow; you cannot step off of it because there are land mines on both sides. If you do not believe she is truly remorseful (continued lying is a good indicator) and you don't feel you can forgive, you can see the writing on the wall.

 

You can and will heal from divorce. Someday you'll likely look back and wonder what the hell you were doing for the last year. That's ok. I spent 7 months trying to reconcile, too. You probably would always have some regret if you hadn't tried. Now you've done that and it's time for the next step. Maybe you'll see true remorse after filing for divorce; you can always back off if you decide to change your mind. Of course, then you'll be back on the rollercoaster. I wouldn't rush to do it.

 

But the fact is that your circumstances will not change until you change them. Your healing starts when you say it starts. It will take time before it is "good" again but it isn't going to happen faster by you staying stuck in neutral. I just signed divorce papers a few weeks ago. It ended about 18 months of trauma. I'm off and putting together what I call my second life. To be honest, it's pretty liberating to begin anew and to have no one to control your choices but yourself. I love grocery shopping and buying the huge $10 can of cashews and no one is there to say a damn thing. Small victories. But dude, you didn't ask for this pile of crap and you don't deserve it. Now crawl the hell outta there.

 

My $.02 anyway.

[TheCollector]

Betrayedh you are a wise man. And sorry for slow and short response gents its kinda hard on the weekend. I don't want her knowing till it hits her I guess.I know something is gotta change. I'm just worried about my girl... How ill watch her. how much ILL see her ect. Ect.

And then there's my whole nephew ordeal...sunny and everyone else says that's not my problem and maybe they are right.... Oh and I am pretty sure she is mine but I have no money to pay for a test. It's $200 for a simple and $400 for one approved for court wich I would need.

[BetrayedH]

Betrayedh you are a wise man. And sorry for slow and short response gents its kinda hard on the weekend. I don't want her knowing till it hits her I guess.I know something is gotta change. I'm just worried about my girl... How ill watch her. how much ILL see her ect. Ect.

And then there's my whole nephew ordeal...sunny and everyone else says that's not my problem and maybe they are right.... Oh and I am pretty sure she is mine but I have no money to pay for a test. It's $200 for a simple and $400 for one approved for court wich I would need.

 

No worries about quick replies.

 

One thing I can tell you about divorce is that any concept you have had about money and what you csn afford will quickly go out the window. Start thinking WAY outside the box about where to get money. I had to borrow from family. Go so far as to ask them all what they can do collectively. An attorney will require $3k as a retainer, maybe more. $400 is going to seem like nothing.

 

Once you have the attorney, discuss 50/50 custody (or better yet, request full custody so your wife pays you for child care).

 

Otherwise, you are VERY smart to keep your cards very close. Keep doing that.

[TheCollector]

I KNOW for a fact she will fight tooth and nail for our daughter. She has been a really good mom so far.money wouldn't be an issue if I hadn't just took out this loan I got for a lawyer forher nephew.... (long story in my other thread) . So I can't get a personal loan and I have no credit cards cause they are the devil

[TheCollector]

Is it worth trying to file fault over ireconcilable?

[BetrayedH]

Is it worth trying to file fault over ireconcilable?

 

Personally, I think the best route is typically to just try to get to 50/50 custody of the kids and 50/50 over the marital assets and liabilities and to do it with minimal attorney involvement. You'll spend $10k or more (just on your side) if you go to court. See what you can do to mediate on your own as much as possible. Depends on the two of you.

[BetrayedH]

Some states are "no fault" states where they really don't care whose fault it is. To my knowledge, there are 13 states where fault is still considered. But even though my state is no fault, the law still permits judges to make custody and alimony decisions based on infidelity. If your wife got pregnant by another man (and you have a paternity test to prove it), this may change your negotiating position entirely. You need an attorney. If you're in a no fault state and you think there is a chance of divorcing amicably, see if your attorney would consider mediating for the two of you rather than just representing one of you. But you are in a power position here and there's a lot at stake. Amicable divorces are rare; people get pissed once the money and custody talk starts and opinions about fault start flying.

 

In my (limited) experience, 50/50 on everything is fairly inevitable if they disregard fault. They know how to split the stuff up. So the question becomes about how much grief you want on the way to 50/50. You can do it yourself, do it via attorneys, or do it via a judge. Just gets more expensive the further you go. My wife and I could not agree on our own. We each had an attorney and then paid a third as a mediator. Probably cost me around $4k (not counting what she spent) and my attorney was very conservative about billing.

 

Keep in mind that the attorneys are happy to take it as far as you want. They're getting about $300 for every hour you two fight about who is going to get the dog. You might consider asking your attorney to draft a marital settlement agreement to float past your wife. See if she agrees and if not, what does she want to see change. Your attorney will more likely want to draft one that asks for everything (saying that you don't get what you don't ask for). Then your wife's attorney will draft an equally stupid agreement and it takes 100 years to get the middle. Expensive. All sounds fun, doesn't it?

Edited October 8, 2012 by BetrayedH

[TheCollector]

Your not making me feel real great betrayedH lol.... I know ill probably have to split a lot of stuff that I "shouldn't" have to. I think the assets that are at stake here are first off our house wich I bought just about 2 or 3 months before we got married, d then all my cars... My beloved cars :-( all were bought way before we were married but one. I have a 1970 nova that was my first car and is beautiful....she can have that over my dead body.(paid for), a 1983 Porsche 944(paid for) and a mini cooper S(paid for) and then a Mazda 6(owe about $11k) she can have it I couldn't care less about it but I don't wanna end up paying on it if she has it...and then of course my 401k plan at work....idk what do you guys think I'm gonna lose here?

[BetrayedH]

Your not making me feel real great betrayedH lol.... I know ill probably have to split a lot of stuff that I "shouldn't" have to. I think the assets that are at stake here are first off our house wich I bought just about 2 or 3 months before we got married, d then all my cars... My beloved cars :-( all were bought way before we were married but one. I have a 1970 nova that was my first car and is beautiful....she can have that over my dead body.(paid for), a 1983 Porsche 944(paid for) and a mini cooper S(paid for) and then a Mazda 6(owe about $11k) she can have it I couldn't care less about it but I don't wanna end up paying on it if she has it...and then of course my 401k plan at work....idk what do you guys think I'm gonna lose here?

 

Some good news...anything you owned before you got married is NOT a marital asset. This likely includes what you had in your 401k prior to marrying, cars that were paid for without using marital funds, and so forth. She's not likely entitled to those.

 

Probably smart to start making a list of all assets (anything over $100), indicate if they are jointly owned/marital, whose name they are in, and then the fair market value (at the time of filing). Do the same for liabilities. Then there's lot of number crunching to be done. My wife was keeping more of the marital assets and so she had to make that up by taking on more of the debt. As anoter example, my wife kept "her" car that was paid off and I kept mine (and the car payment associated with it). But I was entitled to half the value of her car (and she was entitled to half the value of mine). Since she had more than her half of the asset value by keeping her car, she had to (financially) make up that discrepancy in another way. It's all math.

[TheCollector]

OMG I hope you are right cause almost everything was bought pre-marriage and paid for pre_marriage including the house. It would be amazing to not have to worry about that stuff. I'm gonna do some more research.

[BetrayedH]

OMG I hope you are right cause almost everything was bought pre-marriage and paid for pre_marriage including the house. It would be amazing to not have to worry about that stuff. I'm gonna do some more research.

 

Yeah, now you're seeing why you need an attorney. If most of the assets are yours and you can demonstrate her fault, you may end up alot better off in a divorce than you expected and be rid of a toxic woman to boot. Life may be looking better than you thought.

 

But I'm just some random dude on the internet and the laws where you live could be very different.

 

Good luck and please keep us posted.

[TheCollector]

Yes you are right betrayedH Tennessee law says that property owned prior to marriage is to stay with its owner. So yay! On that at least. And yes I'm gonna keep you posted. @betrayedH- did you read any of the crap in my other thread in the separation/divorce thread? It would give a good picture of my situation.

[Furious]

Your not making me feel real great betrayedH lol.... I know ill probably have to split a lot of stuff that I "shouldn't" have to. I think the assets that are at stake here are first off our house wich I bought just about 2 or 3 months before we got married, d then all my cars... My beloved cars :-( all were bought way before we were married but one. I have a 1970 nova that was my first car and is beautiful....she can have that over my dead body.(paid for), a 1983 Porsche 944(paid for) and a mini cooper S(paid for) and then a Mazda 6(owe about $11k) she can have it I couldn't care less about it but I don't wanna end up paying on it if she has it...and then of course my 401k plan at work....idk what do you guys think I'm gonna lose here?

 

 

Sell the mini Cooper, use the money for the paternity test and get yourself a good lawyer.

 

Good luck!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Wow a lot of craziness has occurred since I last checked in on your story I'm sorry it's been so...horrendous

 

THis was my initial response to your story:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/347918-i-honestly-dont-know-give-2.html#post4282164

 

I'll add that my WW also said it had only been once. I was highly suspicious of that...she got pregnant!! That's the only reason I found out! I told her that and she would just look at me..."yeah..."... 3 months later I found evidence it had (man how many times have I typed this lol) been 4 months of hotels, backseats, deliberate lies, plans etc. I wouldn't trust the "it was only once" thing either. Almost for sure it's a lie. I think you should end it, sounds like you are. What other choice do you have? The other thread makes it pretty clear to me. I'll leave it at that, I think I made my other points in the other post and BH has the legal stuff spot on about divorce. He and I are pretty fresh on that stuff, him having just finished and me still in the midst of it.