veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 I am fuming, which is very appropriate for a dragon,but it's on the highest setting. Short story: bla bla bla he was so sure he wanted to be with me, said he'd file, politely asked the W to divorce, turned to undecided, he's in MC. I haven't seen him in 3.5 weeks. I've been heartbroken, crying out of the blue in the fetal position on the floor. This is what I get today: (Real name), Can we stop this nonsense? I realize that I came up short with what I started out to do, and nothing much has happened since (ground-breaking), and I didn't think it possible...but I've thought about you more now since when we were consistently speaking. My fragile subconscious mind of course thinks that you're already done and beyond thinking about me, but my heart thinks this may not be totally true. I find myself obsessively looking for you all the time, even in places you've probably never been. I wake up in cold sweats thinking of you...rock hard, but it always turns to tender, affectionate thoughts...I think of your beautiful eyes, with your glasses, your smile, how you look at me quickly when you're driving...all these things and many more. I've wanted to write to you so many times, but I've always stopped because I thought you wouldn't want to hear from me, if you weren't getting what you wanted. This may still be true, and if it is, please just ignore me, call me an *******, or whatever, but if you've been holding out simply for pride and because you think this is the easiest way to get over it, please think about reconsiderring. I feel like I have a clearer idea of what I'm really going through, which you may or may not even care about at this point. ------- Is he kidding me? At least he's starting with the truth - nothing changed, but is he crazy? Is this a game to him? Oh silly me with this nonsense...I'm completely unclear about what clearer idea he has. He has this gift of writing stuff that I simply don't understand. I'd normally go back and ask questions, and be oh so all over it. Tell me I got this right - he's expecting me to stop the nonsense and resume the affair because he wakes up with an errection? Here I was grieving over lost dreams and hopes of kids together. Life can be pretty hilarious. 1
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Maybe that wasn't clear enough; later addition: Also, if we ever talk again, and I realize that this is just a big IF, I don't want to continue to dwell on myself. I really want to help you with whatever you're going through to the best of my ability. You should know that I may never change my situation, but it won't be because I don't love you or want you any less; it would just be that I'm too weak, and the person I would be leaving is even weaker. Her and I will never have what we have (had), but that doesn't mean that I will necessarily change anything. If you can't live with those terms, I don't blame you at all. I know that you need to find a better solution than what I'm offering, (for now), but I still want you to know that I care so deeply for you, and I would still consider giving up my current life if it came to that. I would also consider being there for you (in likely a much more limited capacity) while you find that better solution. Modestly and sincerely yours, ... PSSS: If this is what you meant by my contacting you as sending you backwards, I sincerely apologize. My only intent is to let you know that I think I will never be over you, and that I care so much about you, and that by telling you this, it will override any negative impacts. I feel like you have had ample opportunity to contact me, and the fact that you haven't means that you are strong enough to live without me, so obviously it's me that is struggling the most. Either that, or your pride is much stronger than mine, and that is a good quality to have. Love always... ------- How is that love? How dare he come back asking to have an A, when I told him that was over and done? I guess it's worth a try, and I might go running back. Wow! Here I was wanting nothing more than an acknowledgement of the pain he caused me, and what do I get? Confirmation that I am second and a renewal of the lease. Lucky me. Edited October 6, 2012 by cutedragon
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 I'm beyond pissed off. Beyond...
Quiet Storm Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 It could be a few or all of these things: 1) He genuinely misses you, but is not willing to make any changes. If he was planning changes, he would've said that. Instead you get "nothing much has happened" and "I thought you wouldn't want to hear from me, if you weren't getting what you wanted". He's still offering you the same, but hopes you miss him so much that the same will be enough now. 2) He wants ego strokes. He wants to be reassured that you miss him, too. (if you respond, that means you're still thinking about him and will make him feel good). 3) He's fishing for info. He wants to know if you've been with other men. 4) He's full of BS. He is trying to pull on your heartstrings by being romantic. "tender, affectionate thoughts" doesn't even sound like something the average guy would say, IMO. When most men think of the word "tender", they're usually thinking about steak or chicken wings. Not feelings. Just my opinion, though. 5) He's trying to butter you up. In his mind, the "I've thought about you more now since when we were consistently speaking" and "I wake up in cold sweats thinking of you...rock hard" are compliments. Then come the ones about your looks, "beautiful eyes, with your glasses, your smile", which he knows will make you feel good. He's ego stroking you, hoping you'll reciprocate. 6) He's minimizing your feelings. "Stop this nonsense" means he thinks you're making too big of a deal about this. He thinks you should be OK with him being married. 7) He feels teased and thinks you are playing a game. He knows that you tolerated his marriage in the past and still spent time with him, loved him, had sex with him, etc., in spite of his marriage. Even if you complained daily about his marriage, when you continued the relationship, he saw that as acceptance. He feels that you pulling away is a control game, where you are withholding affection to get him to do what you want. 8) He doesn't think you're done yet. I would just ignore it. Any response, even a negative one, will just suck you into the drama. 8
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Pure selfish manipulation at it's best. Notice how he extends a slight generosity branch, yet at the same time mentions it'll be limited..Again, on HIS terms and time frame. Yeah this should piss you off. Sure he misses you, he's going through withdrawal and those emails sound like a last attempt to 'just keep in touch' to feed his habit of hearing from you. It's not true in love/care in a healthy way. If he truly cared for you and didn't want to make things worse, he'd respect NC and leave you alone knowing that any contact would hurt you because he's still very much with his wife. Don't reply back. He made his decision and now he has to live with consquences of that..Not having you in his life at all. 3
wanting more Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 You should be pissed. What a horrible letter, he really is asking you to start the A again. I've read your post before and you seem very strong. Keep NC and let him see how strong you are!!!! Thinking of you! 1
Mount Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 How long have you been with the MM now? Funny, are those MMs having same transcripts together, as my 4months A's MM said same thing below bolded. Funny... Maybe that wasn't clear enough; later addition: Also, if we ever talk again, and I realize that this is just a big IF, I don't want to continue to dwell on myself. I really want to help you with whatever you're going through to the best of my ability. You should know that I may never change my situation, but it won't be because I don't love you or want you any less; it would just be that I'm too weak, and the person I would be leaving is even weaker. Her and I will never have what we have (had), but that doesn't mean that I will necessarily change anything. If you can't live with those terms, I don't blame you at all. I know that you need to find a better solution than what I'm offering, (for now), but I still want you to know that I care so deeply for you, and I would still consider giving up my current life if it came to that. I would also consider being there for you (in likely a much more limited capacity) while you find that better solution. Modestly and sincerely yours, ... PSSS: If this is what you meant by my contacting you as sending you backwards, I sincerely apologize. My only intent is to let you know that I think I will never be over you, and that I care so much about you, and that by telling you this, it will override any negative impacts. I feel like you have had ample opportunity to contact me, and the fact that you haven't means that you are strong enough to live without me, so obviously it's me that is struggling the most. Either that, or your pride is much stronger than mine, and that is a good quality to have. Love always... ------- How is that love? How dare he come back asking to have an A, when I told him that was over and done? I guess it's worth a try, and I might go running back. Wow! Here I was wanting nothing more than an acknowledgement of the pain he caused me, and what do I get? Confirmation that I am second and a renewal of the lease. Lucky me.
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Thanks for the support. I have no intention of answering. The only thing I have left to make him feel (and by feel i mean suffer horribly) something is for him to not hear from me. I'm also at a point where any interaction is painful. As long as there was a little bit of relief and hope, I went back. That's no longer true. I started this affair, and I ended this affair and he'd better rub that errection with memories, because that's all he gets. Or MC can turn his wife into a sexual being. I do not know how single women get through this. I am married, and if I wasn't I'd go crazy.
Quiet Storm Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Part 2 9) He wants you to feel sorry for him "You should know that I may never change my situation, but it won't be because I don't love you or want you any less; it would just be that I'm too weak". Because weak men are so attractive, you know. 10) He wants you to feel more special than her even though he's not leaving. "Her and I will never have what we have (had), but that doesn't mean that I will necessarily change anything. If you can't live with those terms, I don't blame you at all." But why did you change your terms??? It's not fair!!! 11) Again, he doesn't think you're serious about ending."I would still consider giving up my current life if it came to that" Key phrase: If it came to that. He still expects you to be happy with "his terms" 12) He misses the sex. "I would also consider being there for you (in likely a much more limited capacity) while you find that better solution." He's saying he'll still be FWB while you look for a better man.. but don't expect anything emotional. Not as long as you're looking for a better "solution". 13) He's trying to sound like a nice guy. "If this is what you meant by my contacting you as sending you backwards, I sincerely apologize." If he was sincere, he would've respected your wishes. 14) He's mad. "I feel like you have had ample opportunity to contact me, and the fact that you haven't means that you are strong enough to live without me" How dare you move on without me! I'm weak so you should be weak, too! 4
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Quiet Storm, this type of analysis is exactly what I need and how I generally approach his messages. You are spot on on most of the points, and I laughed at the tender steak. I'm on my phone and can't quote easily to reply to each point. Mount, it lasted 1.5 years with the last 4 months being chaos; I was ready to walk away and he needed me to hold his hand and transition towards being with me. I used to think he wasn't lying to me - word of caution to OW - oh yes they do. This man writing this letter about not leaving his wife fed me so much bs, I can't believe he has the nerve to believe I'll go back to an affair.
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Right now the part about the more limited capacity drives me nuts. So he's offering less time, and less of everything and he expects me to go back?! Wtf? Why would I when what he was offering me was not enough? Who comes to negotiate offering less? He must be crazy ,or think I'll put up with anything. I thought i knew this man...yeah...
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Is it okay I ask about your husband? You say you're married too.. Does he know of your affair? Time to block exMM, or close that account, create a new email address.
2sunny Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 He's saying he loves you - but not enough to leave his wife. Time to find a man that makes only YOU his priority. He's not even offering crumbs... Pathetic selfish azzhat! Ridiculous that he thinks you should consider even responding = don't!!! 1
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Is it okay I ask about your husband? You say you're married too.. Does he know of your affair? Time to block exMM, or close that account, create a new email address. No, my husband is not up to date. I did tell him before starting, and when it started, but he basically didn't want to know about it. Didn't approve, but didn't stop me. Even now, if I ask about it, he won't discuss it. My H is not typical, let's say. I do have moments where I feel like telling him "hey look what that idiot has done to me", but I can't. I was considering asking him to call exMM and tell him to disappear from the face of the earth, but then again...why? I just need to keep NC and move on. On and on away from this coward man I chose to love. It also crossed my mind to contact his W, because I believe the chances are great he'll cheat again, but I've always thought of myself as the OW who'd never do that. Just to be clear, it wouldn't be to get him back or anything like that. He has some self destructive tendencies, and I could see him becoming a serial cheater. If he's not already, how do I know I know everything right? I wanted better for him, but he's a big boy, he started therapy at my suggestion, so ...it just pisses me off. Everything pisses me off right now about his emails. It's almost as if he's not the same person I knew. And I believe this is the real him. I will continue checking what he's writing for now. It's best to know who I'm dealing with. Here I was thinking it was some out of this world love. When I'll be done listening to his self incriminatory ramblings, I'll know. I've always been sort of on schedule with the A, and I'll do it with the aftermath too. It's just so painful. I will also keep the correspondence for the future, so if years from now I'll become nostalgic, I'll have a reality check. It's the way I am, and I realize most people are not that analytical and need more drastic approaches like getting rid of all of it. Ironically enough, today I labeled the emails from him with "shattered hopes". Edited October 6, 2012 by cutedragon
Tenacity Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) "If you can't live with those terms, I don't blame you at all. I know that you need to find a better solution than what I'm offering, (for now), but I still want you to know that I care so deeply for you, and I would still consider giving up my current life if it came to that." This is unbelievable BS. And when might he "consider giving up on his current life if it came to that"? Hasn't it already "come to that"? "I feel like you have had ample opportunity to contact me, and the fact that you haven't means that you are strong enough to live without me, so obviously it's me that is struggling the most. Either that, or your pride is much stronger than mine, and that is a good quality to have." And here is the proof that NC is worth all of the pain. You sent the message that you wanted to send, by not contacting him. The end didn't change, not that it would have - but you have made yourself out to be the stronger one, and he has absolutely no idea what is in your head and heart now - and it is driving him crazy. He is waiting to hear a response from you - any response. Do not give him that! Now you are in the driver's seat. Absolute KUDOS to you for that. Let him wonder about that forevermore! Edited October 6, 2012 by Tenacity 4
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Tenacity, this was exactly my reaction. Hasn't it already come to that? He made his choice, why would I wait for what? and why would kt be different? I've already told him that buying time with me is not an option. He tried to let him deal with his stuff until February. Well, I was right. I'm better off knowing for sure in October. The thing thatperplexes me is the lack of remorse. There no apology for doing this to me. None. It's just "hey silly girl I know you can't resist me".
Tenacity Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 Tenacity, this was exactly my reaction. Hasn't it already come to that? He made his choice, why would I wait for what? and why would kt be different? I've already told him that buying time with me is not an option. He tried to let him deal with his stuff until February. Well, I was right. I'm better off knowing for sure in October. The thing thatperplexes me is the lack of remorse. There no apology for doing this to me. None. It's just "hey silly girl I know you can't resist me". He wants to hear that you are hurting, that you could not resist him. He wants to hear ANYTHING from you... it will give his ego a boost. I totally admire you for how you are handling this. It is so clear - seeing it from the outside - that he is looking for any hint that you are still engaged with him and the relationship, and he is looking to engage you back in the fringes of an A. It drives him crazy to think that you might have just moved right on. I so wish I would have had your guts.
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 He wants to hear that you are hurting, that you could not resist him. He wants to hear ANYTHING from you... it will give his ego a boost. I totally admire you for how you are handling this. It is so clear - seeing it from the outside - that he is looking for any hint that you are still engaged with him and the relationship, and he is looking to engage you back in the fringes of an A. It drives him crazy to think that you might have just moved right on. I so wish I would have had your guts. It took me a while, probably detached six or seven times before knowing I'll stay away (as opposed to hoping), but it was very clear that it needed to end. I had a goal, and I knew pain was unavoidable and the sooner the better. He's just so stupid. Why in the world would I go from 2nd to 10th? I'd want to throw something at him. "in likely a much more limited capacity"...that it just the worst of it for me. I had hoped to have kids with this man. How would I ever go back to less than that? I suppose my bright adoring eyes got him thinking I was forever there for him. Well, he's in for a big surprise. I'm nobody's something in a much less capacity if it doesn't work for me. And it doesn't. Such a nerve! 1
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 Was your first paragraph rhetorical? I have actually started this A planning to have just a long term thing that wouldn't lead anywhere serious. He pushed all of my boundaries, and we got into this let's be together thing. I don't go back in life. If he wasn't smart enough to keep it easy, his problem. I was ready to leave my M, yes, which i will still need to do eventually and which was clear before the A. For several reasons, one of them being that his divorce would have been much longer because he has kids, and because I was sure about myself, and because I expect a man to be a man, it was normal for me to have him start thigs first. Well, good for me for being smart. For now I have to heal and even in a difficult M, it's much better than alone.
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 I don't get it. The two of you want to be cake eaters; so what is the problem? I wanted to eat cake, but it didn't stay like that. You haven't notices the past tense there, that this is how it started. I know it's not healthy to look for a long term R in an A, so was very clear about what I wanted from the A. The thing is an A is the result of two people, and I didn't get exactly what I had envisioned. The course changed, and from where we got, there was/is no bridge left back to eating cake. If I wanted that, I'd look for another A, but I am over with having affairs. Good life lesson - I've developed severe alergy. Some of these men are a bit loose with their words and they are also able to enter into Disneyland. You were too naive. I was naive, I don't know if too naive. I was able to see the patters, and push for a resolution. I could have been still there, with him saying how much he wants to be with me in real life, for years to come. So naive yes, too naive...? if you don't have kids you should end your marriage right away. Why are you using your H to heal from the affair? You are acting in a very similar manner to MM. What is the basic difference between you and MM? You sound a bit contradictory. Sorry, if I sound harsh, but sometimes folks having affairs don't think straight. Not saying is an awful thing. All of us used our genitals to think at some point in our lives. I'm using my H to heal from the affair because that's how life is. I don't want to get into details with my M, because that's not the point here. Yes, I should end my M right away, but that's not happening and I need to live with that until "right away" will happen. The difference between exMM and I is that I was all in; as you see he wasn't. He had a choice for a while there to be with me; and chose his W. He was my first choice.
2sunny Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 The problem is - he wrote that "love letter" for HIS benefit - not yours... BIG difference! I wouldn't call it a love letter for you - it was FOR him. 2
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 The problem is - he wrote that "love letter" for HIS benefit - not yours... BIG difference! I wouldn't call it a love letter for you - it was FOR him. Oh...I was very sarcastic. I tend to be in real life.
Author veryhappy Posted October 6, 2012 Author Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) Something that always drove me crazy about his writing style is that he's not clear, and only gives enough to let one come back: I've wanted to write to you so many times, but I've always stopped because I thought you wouldn't want to hear from me, if you weren't getting what you wanted. This may still be true, and if it is, please just ignore me, call me an *******, or whatever, but if you've been holding out simply for pride and because you think this is the easiest way to get over it, please think about reconsiderring. I feel like I have a clearer idea of what I'm really going through, which you may or may not even care about at this point. For example, in the above, a normal, well intentioned person would have explained how he has a clearer idea of what he's really going through, instead of going for "you may not care, tell me that you care please". I suspect MC set him straight that he's just having a normal mid-life glitch. I feel like you have had ample opportunity to contact me, and the fact that you haven't means that you are strong enough to live without me, so obviously it's me that is struggling the most. Either that, or your pride is much stronger than mine, and that is a good quality to have. This is the "poor me" routine he's used to doing. He's struggling the most, so he's expecting me to jump and soothe him that I'm struggling just as much or more. Both messages strategically placed at the end, so I'd be left wondering and pushing the reply button. Edited October 6, 2012 by cutedragon
2sunny Posted October 6, 2012 Posted October 6, 2012 He's baited you by asking for sympathy and requesting you to respond out of pity or consoling HIM. It's only designed to make HIM feel better and you feel worse. That's live of himself! A love letter would look much different - asking about you - interested in your best well being - but he didn't ask about how YOU are doing at all. He comes from a place of extreme control (negatively though) and manipulation. None of which are good. I don't know why such a guy would interest you at all.
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