My mother doesn't want to go to my wedding

[Isabella82]

I don't want this to be such a negative post, so I will first start positive. I am getting married on NYE, and I am really happy. My fiance is a great guy, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

 

We decided to have a big wedding just so that we didn't regret not having one later on in life. I come from a very dysfunctional family and I have never been more hurt in my entire life than I have this past 6 months while planning my wedding.

 

I would just like some positive words, and maybe some positive feedback that by having a big wedding, I am doing the right thing. Its been hard for me, especially since my fiance and I are paying for the wedding on our own.

 

I will outline the things that have been making me depressed, only 3 months away from my wedding.

 

1. My step-dad recently moved to another state due to his house being foreclosed. He is addicted to pain medication and therefore never really had a job. He moved back home with his parents, and will not be attending my wedding. He doesn't have enough money to fly out. Mind you, he knew about my wedding for a year, and he still doesn't have enough. I offered to chip in, and told him he could stay at my condo, to cut the cost of getting a hotel. He told me he didn't want to take my money (even though he has before) so he would not be able to attend. He has been in my life since I was 4, and I am now 29 years old.

 

2. My grandpa who partically raised me is getting older and his health is declining. He doesn't think he will be able to make it. He lives out of state and doesn't think its a good idea to fly in his condition.

 

3. My mother who is still in love with my step dad doesn't really want to go either. Now this hurts the most. She is disabled, and after my parents lost their house I financially supported her. I got her on Medicaid, got her approved for SSI - disability, food stamps, and put her on a list for Section 8 housing for disabled/elderly people. She finally after 9 months of waiting got approved, and is living in her own apartment. I still help her out with her bills, pay for her cable since she is disabled there is not much she can really do all day, I also drive her to all her doctor appointments, etc... She doesn't want to go to the wedding because my stepdad isn't going.

 

***This might be confusing. My mom and stepdad are still legally married, but when they lost their house my brother refused to take my stepdad in since he was addicted to pain medication. My stepdad moved out of state back home with his parents, and my mom moved in with my brother. Even though my stepdad has never maintained a job, and is addicted to meds my mother still wants to be with him***

 

4. So, here I am, my grandpa isn't going, my stepdad isn't going. I have no one to walk me down the aisle. So, I asked my real father if he would do it. He said he would. The problem is that he hasn't been in my life since I was about 12 years old. I haven't even seen him in over 15 years, and I am 29! We recently started talking here and there about 2 years ago. My wedding day will be the first time I have seen him since I was about 15 years old. My mom is so upset that my real father is going and walking me down the aisle that she is coming up with ridiculous stories about what kind of person he is just in hopes that I change my mind and disinvite him. I'm not planning on doing that. I am trying to move forward with that part of my life, and not dwell in the crappy life that I had while I was growing up.

 

Both my mom and stepdad are addicated to pain medication, although my mom is disabled. I have always been independent. I was able to get myself out of the proverty situation I grew up in. I put myself through college, I have a bachelors, I have a good job, I support myself, and give my mom a lot of money per month as well. I have done pretty well for myself even though my upbringing was not the norm.

 

My mom constantly brings up the fact that my real father is going to the wedding that she is just telling me these horrible things about him. I told her that to me its just a walk down the ailse and its not that big of a deal. We are not even doing a father daughter dance! She doesn't feel comfortable going to the wedding alone without my stepdad and I told her if she could just go to the ceremony, be there for pictures, and then just leave after that I would be okay with it. I know it seems selffish that my mother doesn't want to go, but she is bipolar and has social anxiety ever since she became disabled.

 

I am just trying to not fall apart over here. I have cried so much over this and I just have to remind myself that I am marrying this great guy and we will one day have a normal family of our own, something that I have always wanted.

 

Do you think it would be odd to have a huge wedding for basically friends only? I have thought that I should just cancel the whole thing.

Edited October 6, 2012 by Isabella82

[CarrieT]

Do you think it would be odd to have a huge wedding for basically friends only? I have thought that I should just cancel the whole thing.

The wedding is for YOU. I'm sorry your family is being like this.

 

My mother wore black to my wedding so I know what it feels like.

 

Just tell her that you would love it if you could be there and will be sorry if she can't make it.

 

Leave it at that and enjoy your friends.

[Silly_Girl]

Honestly, it's not odd. I'm having my son give me away and I know family will balk at that but he's more my family and has shown me more love than anyone in the world.

 

In the more recent phases of my life my friends have BEEN my family. If my parents decided not to come I'd feel sad for them, and think they're being foolish and stubborn, but it would not impact on any of my plans or how strongly I feel about what the day is about.

 

I love your wedding, I remember your thread before. It's going to be awesome. You've done all you can regarding your family, try and switch off from all that now and focus on you and your fiancé and your special day :love:

[Isabella82]

Honestly, it's not odd. I'm having my son give me away and I know family will balk at that but he's more my family and has shown me more love than anyone in the world.

 

In the more recent phases of my life my friends have BEEN my family. If my parents decided not to come I'd feel sad for them, and think they're being foolish and stubborn, but it would not impact on any of my plans or how strongly I feel about what the day is about.

 

I love your wedding, I remember your thread before. It's going to be awesome. You've done all you can regarding your family, try and switch off from all that now and focus on you and your fiancé and your special day :love:

 

Your son is giving you away? I love it!

 

Thanks, I am excited, I know I am a lucky girl to meet someone as great as my fiance. I just always thought that my stepdad, mom, and grandpa would be there....

 

Oh well.....

[pink_sugar]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine! My dad was like this when I got married because he didn't and still doesn't agree with my marriage. At first, since I knew it would be like this, I contemplated getting hitched but later after going to my first wedding, I wanted the whole schebang! However, like you are experiencing, due to all the drama in my family, there were nothing but problems. My dad and brother even left early on my wedding day! It all happened so fast I actually realize now, 4 years later of wanting a do-over wedding that getting hitched and going on the honeymoon we never had would have been much better. Weddings are overrated. Yes a big wedding would be nice if you had the perfect family, but it's about you two. Save the money and have a nice big honeymoon and an after-party with friends. I had my stepdad walk me down the aisle due to drama with my dad. But I realize now, you don't really need anyone to walk you down, especially if you've been living together awhile. Walk down with your soon to be husband. Your son is also a grand idea if you must have someone walk you down.

[Solcita2]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, and congratulations for everything you have acomplished in your life. I admire you, I really do.

 

I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Don't let this ruin your day.

 

I understand all the parts. Don't understand why your stepdad wouldn't accept your money. Maybe you should try harder to talk him out of this and explain you would do this FOR YOUR and not FOR HIM.

You can also tell him you received the ticket for him as a present from your fiancé who wants to do it as a present for the wedding or something like that? So it wouldn't be "your" money...

I also understand the fact your mom doesn't want to go alone when your birth dad will be there, specially with everything she's been through. I'd try to bring your step dad and that would solve two problems in one.

 

Why is your birth dad walking you down the aisle? Wouldn't your brother do it? How is your relationship with him?

 

About your grandpa, my best advice is, don't fly him to your wedding, go to visit him after it and bring all the pictures. If something happens to him going or going back from your wedding would be way worse.

I have an 80 years old grandma who has no big health issues, but during this year I tried to get her out of her house and from the 5 times I did take her out, 3 times she got sick... and it's harder and harder to recuperate for her... now it's getting warm so I hope I can get her out again... but don't push it.

 

Hope you get better!! And have fun and enjoy your wedding, you sure deserve it!

[TigerCub]

Isabella, I wish I could give you a hug!

 

Your post made me sad.

 

You should be very proud of all you've accomplished and I'm really happy for you for meeting a great guy and for your upcoming wedding.

 

I'm sorry that you're having so many issues with regards to the family, but I hope you remember that this day is about YOU and YOUR FIANCE.

 

It sounds like its going to be a fantastic event and I hope that you go ahead and have it.

 

 

Its nice that your bio dad is going to walk you down the isle. Why will the wedding day be the first time you see him in 15 years? Can you guys meet up a little earlier to catch up and stuff? Does he live in the same city?

 

As for your mom - I can certainly imagine the hurt, and I'm sorry about that. If she keeps mentioning your dad and stuff, just say "Well you're not even going, so as far as I'm concerned that means you lose any right to complain about who's going and their flaws"

 

I'd say that and a bit more - but you seem a lot more level headed than me

 

Congrats again and don't let anyone's negativity darken your special day

[Nyla]

My parents were not at my wedding. My mother tried to control our day by demanding to pay for it, on the condition that she plan everything.

When we wouldn't take that offer, she resorted to insults. So we eloped. My parents did not speak to us for a year but they learned that my husband and I make the decisions and not them.

 

If parents are being unreasonable about the wedding, they don't need to be there. Simple as that. YOU decide who to have at your wedding, not everyone else.

 

We are having a vow renewal for our fifth, to make up for some bad things that happened on our wedding day. My mother has already tried to tell me whom to invite and how many, but I shut her down with "We are paying for it, so only we get to choose." She hates the fact that she cannot control me like a child.

[todreaminblue]

I don't want this to be such a negative post, so I will first start positive. I am getting married on NYE, and I am really happy. My fiance is a great guy, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

 

We decided to have a big wedding just so that we didn't regret not having one later on in life. I come from a very dysfunctional family and I have never been more hurt in my entire life than I have this past 6 months while planning my wedding.

 

I would just like some positive words, and maybe some positive feedback that by having a big wedding, I am doing the right thing. Its been hard for me, especially since my fiance and I are paying for the wedding on our own.

 

I will outline the things that have been making me depressed, only 3 months away from my wedding.

 

1. My step-dad recently moved to another state due to his house being foreclosed. He is addicted to pain medication and therefore never really had a job. He moved back home with his parents, and will not be attending my wedding. He doesn't have enough money to fly out. Mind you, he knew about my wedding for a year, and he still doesn't have enough. I offered to chip in, and told him he could stay at my condo, to cut the cost of getting a hotel. He told me he didn't want to take my money (even though he has before) so he would not be able to attend. He has been in my life since I was 4, and I am now 29 years old.

 

2. My grandpa who partically raised me is getting older and his health is declining. He doesn't think he will be able to make it. He lives out of state and doesn't think its a good idea to fly in his condition.

 

3. My mother who is still in love with my step dad doesn't really want to go either. Now this hurts the most. She is disabled, and after my parents lost their house I financially supported her. I got her on Medicaid, got her approved for SSI - disability, food stamps, and put her on a list for Section 8 housing for disabled/elderly people. She finally after 9 months of waiting got approved, and is living in her own apartment. I still help her out with her bills, pay for her cable since she is disabled there is not much she can really do all day, I also drive her to all her doctor appointments, etc... She doesn't want to go to the wedding because my stepdad isn't going.

 

***This might be confusing. My mom and stepdad are still legally married, but when they lost their house my brother refused to take my stepdad in since he was addicted to pain medication. My stepdad moved out of state back home with his parents, and my mom moved in with my brother. Even though my stepdad has never maintained a job, and is addicted to meds my mother still wants to be with him***

 

4. So, here I am, my grandpa isn't going, my stepdad isn't going. I have no one to walk me down the aisle. So, I asked my real father if he would do it. He said he would. The problem is that he hasn't been in my life since I was about 12 years old. I haven't even seen him in over 15 years, and I am 29! We recently started talking here and there about 2 years ago. My wedding day will be the first time I have seen him since I was about 15 years old. My mom is so upset that my real father is going and walking me down the aisle that she is coming up with ridiculous stories about what kind of person he is just in hopes that I change my mind and disinvite him. I'm not planning on doing that. I am trying to move forward with that part of my life, and not dwell in the crappy life that I had while I was growing up.

 

Both my mom and stepdad are addicated to pain medication, although my mom is disabled. I have always been independent. I was able to get myself out of the proverty situation I grew up in. I put myself through college, I have a bachelors, I have a good job, I support myself, and give my mom a lot of money per month as well. I have done pretty well for myself even though my upbringing was not the norm.

 

My mom constantly brings up the fact that my real father is going to the wedding that she is just telling me these horrible things about him. I told her that to me its just a walk down the ailse and its not that big of a deal. We are not even doing a father daughter dance! She doesn't feel comfortable going to the wedding alone without my stepdad and I told her if she could just go to the ceremony, be there for pictures, and then just leave after that I would be okay with it. I know it seems selffish that my mother doesn't want to go, but she is bipolar and has social anxiety ever since she became disabled.

 

I am just trying to not fall apart over here. I have cried so much over this and I just have to remind myself that I am marrying this great guy and we will one day have a normal family of our own, something that I have always wanted.

 

Do you think it would be odd to have a huge wedding for basically friends only? I have thought that I should just cancel the whole thing.

 

 

i have a sad face just for you....i feel for you dont let your family ruin your wedding....my daughter is going to be married soon and i don't particularly want to see my ex and his new partner like where would I sit next to them or what.....awkward.......but truly if my daughter really wanted both of us there i would swallow my pride what little i would have left being near them and be brave for her because i would be happy and try to make her day as special as i could even if it meant hiding how uncomfortable i was and trust me i would be...i have never met her and i have not seen my ex since we split....yoru family isnt being fair your mum in particular...please dont let that spoil what is a very special and memorable day in your life...your are uniting with someone who loves you and whom you love ....your life is now with him...if your family is not behind you now......let them be like that...you just be excited you are allowed to be

 

 

you can have that big wedding if you want or have an intimate one...it is yours and your partners choice......get married barefoot on the sand if you wish you do what you want .....ITS IS YOUR DAY........and i personally hope it is the day you always wanted to have....best wishes on your nuptials.....hugs.....deb

[Lisa Kovach]

If you love him and he loves you and treats you right then it does not matter what either of your parents think. If you would choose to let them run your life that is on you but you should just stick up for him if he is good to you. There is nothing worse than letting your parents drive a really good person away because they think they know what is best. There are not many good guys out there anymore. Make sure you love him and he treats you right and you should be in the clear with your soul and that is your intuition. Dont let anyone but YOU decide.

[tom3.1415]

It's true that the wedding is about you and your husband-to-be, not the guests. These kind of family problems are really common, my wife had similar issues and in the end you have to just let it go and work on your new family.

 

Why do you stress "addicted to pain medication" so much? There is a huge difference between an opiate addict and someone on pain meds who takes a prescribed dose of opiates each day for pain.

You could just as easily say they are "addicted to not feeling pain".

 

When taking the same amount of opiate each day the "high" or euphoria quickly gets less and less but it still helps with pain.

 

An opiate addict chases the euphoric side effect of opiates so they generally continue to increase their dose and have to start buying more and more on the street. They eventually run out of money and end up in rehab or switch to heroin because it's much cheaper. Some end up homeless as well.

 

It's unfair to label someone taking a regular prescribed dose as an "addict". Yes there is a physical dependence after a while and one would need to wein off but they are not abusing the medication. I don't understand how this adds to your problem in any way?

[2sure]

Isabella, you are having a big beautiful wedding because you want to share your happiness with those you love...this is very clear because you are throwing this celebration yourselves. How lucky you are too have so many people in your life to invite!

 

You got it together , you got out , you have earned what you have and you have the grace to share it.

 

They are who they are. Please do not ever think that your love, your compassion, or your loyalty is something they will give back...you know they don't have it the way you wish. Don't measure yourself by their absence.

 

As much as it sucks, If one thing about them was different, you would be different too ..and you sound wonderful.

[Isabella82]

It's true that the wedding is about you and your husband-to-be, not the guests. These kind of family problems are really common, my wife had similar issues and in the end you have to just let it go and work on your new family.

 

Why do you stress "addicted to pain medication" so much? There is a huge difference between an opiate addict and someone on pain meds who takes a prescribed dose of opiates each day for pain.

You could just as easily say they are "addicted to not feeling pain".

 

When taking the same amount of opiate each day the "high" or euphoria quickly gets less and less but it still helps with pain.

 

An opiate addict chases the euphoric side effect of opiates so they generally continue to increase their dose and have to start buying more and more on the street. They eventually run out of money and end up in rehab or switch to heroin because it's much cheaper. Some end up homeless as well.

 

It's unfair to label someone taking a regular prescribed dose as an "addict". Yes there is a physical dependence after a while and one would need to wein off but they are not abusing the medication. I don't understand how this adds to your problem in any way?

 

Thanks for your response. I know what you mean about addiction vs. prescription. Unfortunately I mean addiction. My step father has been taking my mothers prescribed medication for over ten years. This includes fentanyl, Xanax, methadone, Percocet, and at one time OxyContin. So, yes....wish I didn't know all these meds.

 

She has had seizures and has been rushed to the hospital because he took her meds and she withdrew and had multiple seizures.

 

So, if he took them without having a prescription, then yes, I consider that an addict. Lets add the fact that he hasn't worked for over 15 years because of this addiction.

 

My mother on the other hand is disabled and does NEED the medication but she herself abuses the meds as well, mostly just her Xanax. This includes her ordering them online so she can have more, AND also getting a prescription for her dog of Xanax, and taking them herself.

 

Whatever, I get it. Her life is crappy and she rather not be here. She is in pain and if that's what she wants to do who am I to tell her, not like I even have that much control over her.

 

I convinced her that what she was doing was illegal, she was apparently unaware. I took her meds, and gave them to her weekly so she would stop mailing them to my stepdad which she had been doing ever since their foreclosed and he was forced to move out of state.

 

This all depresses me.

 

Either way my wedding is in 44 days, and I feel like I am all cried out over it. You're right that in a sense I need to focus on my own new family but it makes me sad that I won't experience the father daughter dance, and that my children won't be left alone with grandma, because grandma passes out while smoking a lit cigarette, and grandma falls over sometimes when she takes too many meds.

 

I am really not trying to feel sorry for myself, I just know that this experience hasn't been that great for me. But my mom hasn't really been there for me since I was 15 and she became disabled. But you know, I do feel worse for her than I do myself.

[Isabella82]

If you love him and he loves you and treats you right then it does not matter what either of your parents think. If you would choose to let them run your life that is on you but you should just stick up for him if he is good to you. There is nothing worse than letting your parents drive a really good person away because they think they know what is best. There are not many good guys out there anymore. Make sure you love him and he treats you right and you should be in the clear with your soul and that is your intuition. Dont let anyone but YOU decide.

 

Thanks, but actually my stepdad and my mom love my fiancée, that's not really the issue.

 

I wish it was as easy as that.

[Isabella82]

Isabella, you are having a big beautiful wedding because you want to share your happiness with those you love...this is very clear because you are throwing this celebration yourselves. How lucky you are too have so many people in your life to invite!

 

You got it together , you got out , you have earned what you have and you have the grace to share it.

 

They are who they are. Please do not ever think that your love, your compassion, or your loyalty is something they will give back...you know they don't have it the way you wish. Don't measure yourself by their absence.

 

As much as it sucks, If one thing about them was different, you would be different too ..and you sound wonderful.

 

 

Your response made me cry as I sit here reading it. I just got a phone call from my mom letting me know that she won't be able to attend my bridal shower that is tomorrow.

 

She wears dentures (pain meds rot your teeth like nothing else) at the age of 53, and she has a really bad blister so she won't be able to eat. We are having it at a restaurant. It's okay, as always I understand, but she will be missed.

[2sure]

I'm sorry sweetie. You might want to think about something. Sometimes there are things in life that as much as we want to...we can't change or walk away from. It's almost always family...it hurts but it's true. Instead of spinning your wheels and ending up frustrated, depressed, and bitter....spend the energy getting comfortable with the facts and accepting what you can . Toxic family...you just have to keep at arms length. The rest, if you can become comfortable in your own skin with it...will lead to a healthier place for you all the way around.

[MissBee]

Hi Isabelle,

 

I sympathize with you. When one imagines their wedding day they imagine being supported and surrounded by love and happiness, yet all these things seem to be going wrong.

 

I must admit that when I read you needed a big wedding so as not to regret it, I found that odd. It seems most people I know regretted spending all the money they spent on some lavish wedding. The wedding is only for ONE DAY...the marriage is more important.

 

I'm a girly girl and think often about my future wedding, but as I get older, I realize I don't care for a big splash, spending tons of money to entertain all kinds of people and to deal with any drama and stress over it. That's the wrong focus IMO. For me, I want a NICE but intimate wedding. Only my closest family and friends who support me and support my relationship. On a smaller scale I can have more exquisite things and I think that will be less drama and more peaceful than attempting some huge event. In your case, since most of your family isn't going, I do get the idea of a big bash for friends...but it seems like you're having second thoughts about that. Have you considered downscaling the wedding? Do you have an uncle, what about your brother, a cousin, a good male friend, to walk you down the aisle? It came off to me like, because you're planning a big wedding, you're attempting lots of traditional things, and will force it...even if it doesn't make sense (like having your dad, a man you say you don't know well, walk you down the aisle).

 

I think your wedding day shouldn't be just for show and doing the things that look good to other people...but every single thing should be something meaningful to you that brings you happiness. Perhaps, instead of focusing on the size, you should focus on the quality and altering some of the plans to fit the situation you're in now. People have all kinds of alternative weddings and for me, those always seem more genuine and authentic than just big lavish parties covering dysfunction.

[Isabella82]

So I've been thinking about this for a while.

 

I'm not fully comfortable with the idea of my biological father walking me down the aisle because he hasn't really been a part of my life. He is attending the wedding and I already asked him if he would, but now I think I rather do it solo.

 

I've been an independent person for a long time, put myself through college, have been financially supporting myself pretty much since the age of 16. I know it's not tradition but the thought of this man "giving me away" who barely knows anything about me, and didn't really care about me growing up, why should he get that honor?

 

The reason why I was going to do that in the first place was because I am/was ashamed that I don't have this "normal" family but I know I shouldn't care!

 

So, I'm going to walk myself down.

[klb92]

I would suggest that you just try to focus on the fact that you get to marry someone that you love. I am also engaged, and am facing difficulties with the wedding. None of my immediate family members approve of the marriage, and we have no money for the wedding. So we've decided to elope, and I'm actually much happier about this decision! Just try to make your wedding about you and your fiance, and then you'll enjoy it a lot more.

[2sure]

I walked myself down the aisle, and have seen several others as well. I bet you will be surprised how many people Don't even notice.

 

And it makes sense. Between parents, step parents, same sex marriages, etc...it can be a trouble spot. And really....many women are independent and the idea of being given away from one man to the next....not so romantic as it used to be.

[Nyla]

So I've been thinking about this for a while.

 

I'm not fully comfortable with the idea of my biological father walking me down the aisle because he hasn't really been a part of my life. He is attending the wedding and I already asked him if he would, but now I think I rather do it solo.

 

I've been an independent person for a long time, put myself through college, have been financially supporting myself pretty much since the age of 16. I know it's not tradition but the thought of this man "giving me away" who barely knows anything about me, and didn't really care about me growing up, why should he get that honor?

 

The reason why I was going to do that in the first place was because I am/was ashamed that I don't have this "normal" family but I know I shouldn't care!

 

So, I'm going to walk myself down.

 

I love this! One of the reasons my husband and I eloped is we were being heavily pressured to do many traditional things. I didn't care for a clergyman asking "Who gives this woman to be married?" so that my father could say he was. Only I give myself to be married. My parents are old fashioned and sexist; they don't like how independent I am.

 

My family of origin is all about appearances. I never felt like I belonged in my family and my mother's side has been cruel to me my whole life. Have a party for those people? No thanks! My husband and I live in our own little world and my family tries to break the door down by being nosy and intrusive. We keep them at an arm's length.

 

So rock on with your independent self! Nothing wrong with being sad about having a dysfunctional family, but don't let it define your life.

[Daniel V. Ross]

Hopefully your mother could able to witness your wedding day.