time keeps passing

[etaoinshrdlu]

she's married. i'm not. we were best friends for a year before we told each other how we felt; i think both of us expected it to be asymmetrical, but our feelings for each other were reciprocated as strongly as we felt them.

 

that was two years ago. we've gone through an emotional roller coaster since then. she's been in therapy for a year and has started marital counseling.

 

the last year, we've barely done anything together except talk about our relationship and our angst. the year before we went to shows and shared so many experiences. this year, she's felt like she's been gathering strength to confront things, and has to be in the right place at the right time and wants to avoid being the "bad guy." fine. i understand. but it's been so long.

 

everything that's happening right now makes sense and is good. she's started talking to other people about the situation; she's decided that she wants me in her life even as she goes through this, which is key. she even seems to have a fairly clear idea of what going through this means: separating amicably after a period of partial reconciliation and improving communication (hence the counseling). sounds great. and giving her the space to do that makes perfect sense. i know it's not easy for her because there's a child involved. if the marriage weren't fundamentally broken in the first place, i wouldn't want it to end either. i only want good things for her. and she's as honest as a person going through this can possibly be; both of us started out incredibly naive and have sadly learned to twist the truth a little, but do not do so to each other. as these things go, it's pretty innocent. we're really trying to be good people.

 

however, i can't shake the fact that it's been two years of waiting (more than that if you count the fact that i couldn't really be in a relationship because i had feelings for her). we haven't slept together, we don't have the chance to do very much together anymore, and although i love her as much as a i always have -- probably more -- it's been an effing long time since i've had normalcy in my life and it's getting hard to even imagine what that normalcy was like and the fact that people are open about who they love. it's really hard to not be able to be there with her for important things, or for her not to be able to take care of me when i'm sick. and it's hard in a more shallow way for people to think she's with someone else when yeah maybe she is in certain practical ways, but not in the ways they think.

 

obviously i don't want to end things. it would be stupid. we're really good together and i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. and i know it would/will work. still, i need to know how to get through the next X months without knowing what X is -- one? eight? both of us are getting older and waiting for so long is not an easy thing to do. and there's so much i don't understand, like why doesn't she just freaking tell him already? :/

 

the thing that gives me the most hope, i guess, is that she's going through marital counseling but keeping me in her life and not feeling any differently. although if she came to me and said that she needed to stay, despite the fact that i'd be incredibly sad, i'd understand. i really would. i want this to work out the best for everyone. i just don't know how to get through it.

[underwater2010]

Keep hoping. The fact that she is going to MC and not divorcing him says alot. She is choosing to stay in her marriage. You have wasted two years on a liar and cheat. If you want the waiting to end....why don't you tell her husband?

 

If you want the best for everyone, then think of her child. Does that child deserve to have her home uprooted because two people "love" each other? Does that child deserve for her mother to be distracted by an outside source?

[perfection walking]

I just broke off A w MM after 2.5 years. The waiting never ends. Nor do the excuses as to why you have to wait.

[2sunny]

Did you have a question?

 

Your post is all about her - you are out of balance - thinking too much about her and what she is or isn't doing.

 

Start thinking more of YOURSELF!

[Patrice]

It never ends ... and once you end it, watch out ... true colors come flying out. There is no other way but to go NC, as they keep trying to draw you back in. When you resist and they come at you with venom, then you know what you're dealing with.

[hermione08]

Have I read correctly that you've never even slept together??????? Gosh..

And she goes to MC to keep you in her life???? Why doesn't she simply separate???

[etaoinshrdlu]

why is she not cutting things off immediately? because the people in her life -- including me -- tell her that she needs to do it amicably and not suddenly. marital counseling is what people do in these situations if they're nice. it's what i would do. they need to learn to be co-parents. marital counseling was my f*cking idea. i've posted here before and now i'm pretty sure that no one actually reads anything, they just pre-judge based on their own sad experiences.

 

i said i'm fine with her deciding to stay if she needs to. and obviously marital counseling is going to end with things going one way or the other. i just want it to go one way or the other more quickly than it is.

[RickFox]

she's married. i'm not. we were best friends for a year before we told each other how we felt; i think both of us expected it to be asymmetrical, but our feelings for each other were reciprocated as strongly as we felt them.

 

that was two years ago. we've gone through an emotional roller coaster since then. she's been in therapy for a year and has started marital counseling.

 

the last year, we've barely done anything together except talk about our relationship and our angst. the year before we went to shows and shared so many experiences. this year, she's felt like she's been gathering strength to confront things, and has to be in the right place at the right time and wants to avoid being the "bad guy." fine. i understand. but it's been so long.

 

everything that's happening right now makes sense and is good. she's started talking to other people about the situation; she's decided that she wants me in her life even as she goes through this, which is key. she even seems to have a fairly clear idea of what going through this means: separating amicably after a period of partial reconciliation and improving communication (hence the counseling). sounds great. and giving her the space to do that makes perfect sense. i know it's not easy for her because there's a child involved. if the marriage weren't fundamentally broken in the first place, i wouldn't want it to end either. i only want good things for her. and she's as honest as a person going through this can possibly be; both of us started out incredibly naive and have sadly learned to twist the truth a little, but do not do so to each other. as these things go, it's pretty innocent. we're really trying to be good people.

 

however, i can't shake the fact that it's been two years of waiting (more than that if you count the fact that i couldn't really be in a relationship because i had feelings for her). we haven't slept together, we don't have the chance to do very much together anymore, and although i love her as much as a i always have -- probably more -- it's been an effing long time since i've had normalcy in my life and it's getting hard to even imagine what that normalcy was like and the fact that people are open about who they love. it's really hard to not be able to be there with her for important things, or for her not to be able to take care of me when i'm sick. and it's hard in a more shallow way for people to think she's with someone else when yeah maybe she is in certain practical ways, but not in the ways they think.

 

obviously i don't want to end things. it would be stupid. we're really good together and i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. and i know it would/will work. still, i need to know how to get through the next X months without knowing what X is -- one? eight? both of us are getting older and waiting for so long is not an easy thing to do. and there's so much i don't understand, like why doesn't she just freaking tell him already? :/

 

the thing that gives me the most hope, i guess, is that she's going through marital counseling but keeping me in her life and not feeling any differently. although if she came to me and said that she needed to stay, despite the fact that i'd be incredibly sad, i'd understand. i really would. i want this to work out the best for everyone. i just don't know how to get through it.

 

You say you'd understand, but in reality you won't, you won't understand at all and you'll just ask why over and over again. The light at the end of the tunnel you see isn't getting any closer, she's not yours now nor will she be, you will be, and are, the side dish.

[etaoinshrdlu]

It never ends ... and once you end it, watch out ... true colors come flying out. There is no other way but to go NC, as they keep trying to draw you back in. When you resist and they come at you with venom, then you know what you're dealing with.

 

if i went NC, she would feel as though she were setting me free, and she would want the best for me. she is a good person.

[etaoinshrdlu]

You say you'd understand, but in reality you won't, you won't understand at all and you'll just ask why over and over again. The light at the end of the tunnel you see isn't getting any closer, she's not yours now nor will she be, you will be, and are, the side dish.

 

hm, you know, there are a lot of "happy endings" here. my personal therapist does marriage counseling and is rooting for this to work. all reading your responses here is doing is making me bitter and miserable. so i'm leaving. i'm sorry bad things happened to you, but not every experience is the same. bye.

[etaoinshrdlu]

Not everyone is that way.I hope you don't leave. I think a lot of people really are trying to make sure you don't get hurt... they just do it in a way that isn't always helpful.

I think that you need a concrete goal for the two of you if you are going to be together, can the two of you maybe attend couples counseling? If she's divorcing and you will be togehter there are things that maybe you should look at first together.

Can you plan a trip together?

I don't remember your story from before... so I'm sorry if I'm forgetting the exact details of your circumstance. I've had a busy day today and am just taking a few minutes to respond becaue I didn't want you to think that everyone was going to ignore what you are actually saying.

 

thanks, i'm glad i checked back. i've been hurting for two or three years. ending things isn't going to make me hurt less.

 

she wants to divorce but she wants to fix the problem with communication first so that the divorce isn't bitter and angry. i guess she has the unrealistic idea that his feelings about the marriage will come in line with hers. that's not going to happen. but what i hope happens is that that can approach the situation maturely. her first priority is making sure her kid will be okay. her second priority is finding a way to be happy.

 

we can't take a trip or anything right now, no. she's very concerned with doing "the right thing," which i understand. after she goes through this, if she gets a trial separation, maybe. if that happens. whenever that happens. and i think the two of us would benefit from couples counseling too, maybe with my therapist, to sort of transition. but that's not her focus right now.

 

i just don't want to keep pushing her and telling her how depressed and sad i feel when i'm actually seeing positive change finally, a year and a half after i expected it.

 

i guess i'm wondering what people do when they're in my situation, in this limbo that is better than it was, with more certainty, but is still a sort of limbo. she wants me to be honest about my emotions, but i feel like if i'm not, i'm being distant, and if i am, i'm weighing her down. i should feel good that things are moving, right?

[perfection walking]

The thing is - things are always moving. But they wont ever move in the direction you are hoping for...these relpies are not intended to hurt your feelings. Understand the majority of us have 'been there, done that' and its a never ending road that beats you down.

[veryhappy]

Reality is MC might keep her in the marriage. Her being a good person and all...You did the right thing suggesting MC, I did that too.

 

You need to protect yourself and get out of it at least until she files. My exMM went to MC to discuss the divorce, he was set he was going to divorce, no MC. A few sessions later, he's happily reconciled. Read my thread...

 

I hope your story will be a happy one. But if it's not, please be prepared for the heartbreak.