Ladies, do women really like it when men share their issues and insecurities?

[Crusoe]

An' I'd Luuurve a Paw-paw.....

 

And I hate a prickly pair.

 

We're off topic again, go away, you lead me astray.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm gone man, solid gawne....

[Mme. Chaucer]

I'm so demoralized by this thread that I'm gonna sit on the couch with a tub of Cherry Garcia and watch "Donnie Darko" and cry my eyes out. And it's all your fault.

 

DuckSoup, do you really want to be aligned with the weaknuptight guy and the monster dude? Really?

[Gagirl]

Yes, we do. My husband and I were going through some major issues. He kept all his feelings to himself so I thought that he simply didn't care. I went throught those issues alone because of it. The fallout from all that was unreal. He could have shared his feelings with me and I would have felt like a team.

[strongnrelaxed]

 

*snip*

 

 

"Bottom line a REAL WOMAN will never have a problem with a REAL MAN expressing his emotions appropriately

 

 

I could not agree with you more. I do not know exactly how you would describe a "real' woman, but I am willing to listen.

 

Unfortunately, there are not many "real" women running around these days. Apparently, according to some here, there aren't many "real" men either.

 

So the rest of us "fake?" men and women who are imperfect - I know Hawaii, we must be disgusting to you - have to interact with each other. The real people are busy emoting and understanding.

 

I am happy that you have had such positive experiences with women. I have had many good experiences too. I also see many younger men falling into traps like it is open season on 20-something year old men.

 

My reasons for being here and asking these questions is to get some perspective and to hopefully get responses that shed light on some of the problems. Fortunately, some of the responses have been exactly what I expected. The condescending, sarcastic almost childish snipes. I didn't start out looking for this, but when it popped up so quickly and easily , it confirmed all these things I had been thinking. A certain MME C. has been more creepy than most ( I am not name calling - I really mean it she creeps me out).

 

I am also so disappointed at some of the more moderate posters like yourself who don't seem to be able to listen and pick up on the gist of a message. This worries me.

 

If seemingly smart people cannot seem to reason critically then what hope is there for everyone else?

 

You seem like a good man Hawaii. And I appreciate your responses. But you are not doing anyone any good by knocking on the men in these forums who are a) answering questions, b) being brutally honest, and c) willing to bear the brunt of criticism for perspectives that shouldn't really be that controversial.

 

Think about that.

[strongnrelaxed]

I'm so demoralized by this thread that I'm gonna sit on the couch with a tub of Cherry Garcia and watch "Donnie Darko" and cry my eyes out. And it's all your fault.

 

DuckSoup, do you really want to be aligned with the weaknuptight guy and the monster dude? Really?

 

Nice! Weaknuptight. I am literally laughing out loud. Thanks MMEC. You can actually be clever once in a while.

 

I find it so interesting that you used the word "aligned".

 

This is like middle school! It is hard not to just laugh at this silliness.

[strongnrelaxed]

Yes, we do. My husband and I were going through some major issues. He kept all his feelings to himself so I thought that he simply didn't care. I went throught those issues alone because of it. The fallout from all that was unreal. He could have shared his feelings with me and I would have felt like a team.

 

Thanks for responding gagirl. As you might have picked up (just a bit!) in this thread, many men have had very serious problems with sharing feelings with women close to them.

 

In fact, it is virtually impossible for men to do this generally. If you read some of the comments above yours, you will find men called "girls" and a bunch of other things for simply sharing their thoughts.

 

If you think about how hard it is to just speak your mind as a man - even with strangers in a forum - without triggering a drama war of epic proportions, you can imagine how men feel in a relationship.

 

I agree with you - when your man can share his thoughts and feelings with you, you are better off as a team. It is just virtually impossible (unless the woman is a "real" woman according to one poster above , whatever that means).

[happyme]

Very male...but he's saying i'm a woman for what i'm saying, because my opinion isn't completely inconsiderate. he's just trolling, and i'm bored enough to be entertained.

 

Hawaii50 it's soooo.... nice to see a real man post on this thread. Everything you have said indicates that you are a strong man and yes, to me that is indeed attractive. I love a strong man.. My husband (whom I ADORE.... and I mean in that wobbly knees type of way ) is a sensitive, caring, strong and utterly gorgeous man. None of this weak show-off bravado from him... he's the real thing: kind, caring, sensitive, emotional, intelligent, honest, funny. In short: a REAL man, and one who I am happy to be close to (in every sense and as much as possible). Mmmmmmm....

[Pyro]

The only time a woman wants to see a man cry is when she is the one who broke his heart.

 

She gets satisfaction out of that.

 

Based on your posts in this thread I am going to assume that what you wrote above happened to you.

 

So of course you are going to think irrationally. Just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean that everyone will.

 

I assumed that logic like that was taught at a very early age.

[Minka333]

Yes because it means he trusts me enough not to think that i will view him as a weak, whiny and needy man.

 

It means he believes in me believing in him despite all the odds/insecurities he is facing.

 

It means that he knows that we got each others back no matter what.

[xxoo]

I just saw another thread here from some woman who is getting all bent out of shape because over the past few weeks her husband or bf has been coming home stressed out from work, cries, and doesn't want to cuddle with her.

 

She automatically interprets this as his personal rejection of her rather than some other issue he might be dealing with such as work. It sounds like she is all over him criticizing him for it, and yet she claims "I'm not complaining to him, I'm just expressing my feelings."

 

See how it goes?

 

If the man is stressed out and dares actually expresses it say by crying and being "hormonal," the woman takes that as a personal attack on her. (This woman also by the way was very thankful for him supporting her financially during her illness! God forbid he couldn't bring home a paycheck!) Yet if the woman complains about his behavior, she's not complaining about him, she's just expressing her feelings.

 

Women just have no respect for men who get emotional or express any sort of emotional weakness, and it's a sexual turn off. When women say "tell me how you feel" what they mean is, "Tell me how you feel about me, and it better all be about why you think I'm so great and how you intend to love, worship, and provide for me regardless of any bad, selfish, or immature behavior or stunts I decide to pull in this relationship."

 

This woman in the other thread didn't sound like she was being supportive at all. Her only concern seems to be that now that he is stressed out, he is not paying as much attention to her as she thinks he should.

 

This is what happens to men who get preoccupied with their emotions or stressed out about work or something and are dumb enough to express it to their women. All the women care about is that the guy now has less energy to pay attention to her.

 

 

 

Classic.

 

Her complaint is that she doesn't know why he's feeling and acting that way. He won't tell her what is going on to make him so emotionally stressed.

 

How would a man feel if a woman did the same? If his wife or gf had more and more emotional outbursts over 6 wks, progressively pushing him further and further away, refusing to return his touch, his cuddles, his kisses, and presumably sex, but she wouldn't explain why?

[happyme]

Precisely xxoo. It's communication about the feelings women value. Crying could be for so many reasons, I can understand that she would feel confused and possibly rejected if he's not sharing with her.

[CarboniteCammy]

I kind of like the strong silent types when it comes to men.

[karnak]

I kind of like the strong silent types when it comes to men.

 

Well... at least, you're honest.

[BetheButterfly]

Women often say that they like it when a man shows/reveals his issues, self-concerns, and insecurities because it makes them feel closer to them and demonstrates that they are human (as long as it is not overdone).

 

On the other hand, many male relationship experts say that you should never reveal your personal issues or insecurities because women then lose respect for you and their interest level goes down.

 

Thus, my question is: do women in general like it when men share their insecurities or should men listen to these "relationship experts" and never reveal any shortcomings to women?

 

My husband's best friend died in a drowning accident years ago, way before I met him. I do very much appreciate it when my husband tells me about it, because that hurt my husband a lot. I understand that. His telling me about it also helps me understand why he stopped surfing and why he doesn't like going to the beach as much as I would like for us to go.

 

He is in the healing process.

 

I do think it's important for men to discuss what they are going through with their loved one. It helps women understand and also deepens the connection between them.

[xxoo]

You mean to say he's acting just like a woman ordinarily does when she's upset about something, being extremely moody and expecting the man to "read her mind"? If he doesn't automatically know what she's thinking just by the way she's behaving, without her articulating it clearly, why, then he doesn't love her!

 

 

Just ask any man or ask any woman because typically women expect the man to be able to read their minds when it comes to their emotional outbursts.

 

However for a man to just declare he's fed up after a few weeks of his woman's irrationality and is planning on leaving her would be completely unacceptable, a sign that he doesn't love her, etc etc.

 

Maybe women just get a pass on all of this, because they are biologically programmed to be irrational on a regular monthly basis for several days at a time?

 

Men on the other hand don't get that regular monthly pass, do they?

 

And the problem of course is that women then believe they can act irrationally at other times of the month, too.

 

It's just "being a woman" and if the man is perplexed or not willing to tolerate it or doesn't have the patience to understand it, why, that means he doesn't love her.

 

If a man acts that way, that ALSO means he doesn't love her.

 

 

 

No, of course she wouldn't.

 

It would be the man's obligation to understand her without articulation on her part, or else it means he doesn't love her. He is just supposed to "know" what's going on in that scrambled up brain of hers.

 

ETA: In fact, there are men who post frequently here such as JamesM and Giotto and a few others whose wives have acted they way you describe to them, for years, with never providing an adequate explanation. And still--it's the man's fault.

 

Nobody gets a pass, Duck.

 

Everybody, man or woman, gets worried and upset when their partner acts moody for weeks on end and refuses to explain why. This is not a gender issue. People routinely advise both men and women do consider cheating as an explanation for this kind of behavior.

 

Bottom line: no, women don't like it anymore than men when their partners get upset and have issues and insecurities. We'd all prefer that our partners feel good.

 

But yes, women, like men, hope that their partners will explain to them what is going on when they are upset, rather than leaving them wondering, worried, and feeling rejected (sexually or emotionally).

[Mme. Chaucer]

As usual, there is no point in making this a gender issue, even though promoting gender problems was the entire premise for the thread.

 

I think every person on this thread except exactly two (and DuckSoup, I do not count you as one of those) really knows within themselves that this is a losing battle to even try to fight.

 

People in relationships have to work at them. That entails enduring times and behaviors in our partners that are not good for us, for whatever reasons. If they happen to crop up because of our own pre-conceived notions about how men, women, husbands, wives are supposed to act and be, then it's time for US to challenge our notions.

 

If you're a man, and you feel that your emotions cannot be heard or even allowed in your relationship, then it's really up to you to do something about that within the context of your relationship - not get all up in arms about women and unfairness.

 

A man OR a woman who withdraws from intimacy (not specifically sexual) because of their insecurities is placing the marriage at risk. I bet more than 50% of us have done it at some time or another, anyway. We work through it or we fail. It's not like men win and women lose, or vice versa, when it's worked though.

 

It's really stupid to take a stance here on LoveShack (and, worse, in real life) that one gender has all the gravy while the other gender has all the crap. It's just plain false. There have always been what some would consider "perks" to being either a man or a woman (and believe me, not everyone has the same idea of what would be a perk - for example, I don't think it would be awesome to be a lady doing needlework in Victorian times, while a recent thread celebrated it).

 

From my perspective, the men have historically had more of the "perks" than women, and women are catching up. With the so-called perks also come more responsibility and pressure. I know that several of you guys here have an opposing perspective to mine. But I hope that those who can even get their mind out of victim mode for a brief moment are able to understand that neither gender is 100% screwed, or victimized, by the other one.

 

I think that the two guys on this thread who clearly cannot get their brains to grasp this are actually displaying some cognitive problems.

 

There are one or two women on LS who do the same thing, though I must say they do it with significantly less hate - but I think that they have some serious issues as well.

[strongnrelaxed]

Hawaii, there isn't a way to get through to people who are determined to hold on tight to their denial coping mechanisms. It's a form of internal looping where they'll only acknowledge opinions that agree with their view since a more realistic view of life, would shake the foundations of their inner narrative.

 

It is this exact reason why people look for therapeutic or parent/child relationships, so their partners become their caregivers, nurturing what wasn't nurtured when they were children. And for this exact reason, why incessant whining and insecurity in men is so unattractive to me since I refuse to take on the role of mother/therapist on an ongoing basis.

 

Hey TBF. I happen to have a doctoral degree in Adult Development from an Ivy League University. Please tell me what a "denial coping mechanism" is. Did you read this in Cosmo or is this in a peer reviewed published journal?

[strongnrelaxed]

As usual, there is no point in making this a gender issue, even though promoting gender problems was the entire premise for the thread.

 

I think every person on this thread except exactly two (and DuckSoup, I do not count you as one of those) really knows within themselves that this is a losing battle to even try to fight.

 

People in relationships have to work at them. That entails enduring times and behaviors in our partners that are not good for us, for whatever reasons. If they happen to crop up because of our own pre-conceived notions about how men, women, husbands, wives are supposed to act and be, then it's time for US to challenge our notions.

 

If you're a man, and you feel that your emotions cannot be heard or even allowed in your relationship, then it's really up to you to do something about that within the context of your relationship - not get all up in arms about women and unfairness.

 

A man OR a woman who withdraws from intimacy (not specifically sexual) because of their insecurities is placing the marriage at risk. I bet more than 50% of us have done it at some time or another, anyway. We work through it or we fail. It's not like men win and women lose, or vice versa, when it's worked though.

 

It's really stupid to take a stance here on LoveShack (and, worse, in real life) that one gender has all the gravy while the other gender has all the crap. It's just plain false. There have always been what some would consider "perks" to being either a man or a woman (and believe me, not everyone has the same idea of what would be a perk - for example, I don't think it would be awesome to be a lady doing needlework in Victorian times, while a recent thread celebrated it).

 

From my perspective, the men have historically had more of the "perks" than women, and women are catching up. With the so-called perks also come more responsibility and pressure. I know that several of you guys here have an opposing perspective to mine. But I hope that those who can even get their mind out of victim mode for a brief moment are able to understand that neither gender is 100% screwed, or victimized, by the other one.

 

I think that the two guys on this thread who clearly cannot get their brains to grasp this are actually displaying some cognitive problems.

 

There are one or two women on LS who do the same thing, though I must say they do it with significantly less hate - but I think that they have some serious issues as well.

 

Aside from the finger pointing, and the silliness at the end Chaucer, for once I almost completely agree with you.

 

And this is still a problem. I am still surprised that so few people care about changing things at a macro level.

 

The baby boomers are in charge now (I am one). What the hell happened to all that idealism?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am also so disappointed at some of the more moderate posters like yourself who don't seem to be able to listen and pick up on the gist of a message. This worries me.

 

If seemingly smart people cannot seem to reason critically then what hope is there for everyone else?

 

News flash!

 

Many people, most of whom are probably far more "smart" than you are, have excellent critical reasoning abilities and are perfectly able to listen and pick up on the gist of any message. They just don't happen to agree with yours. Or, they may even think that it's ridiculous, ignorant, bigoted and offensive nonsense.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Creepy Mme. Chaucer

[Mme. Chaucer]

The expression by men of emotional sensitivity in men is perceived by women as weakness and is a huge-turn off sexually to women.

 

These guys are prime candidates to get dumped or cheated on. They make women feel uncomfortable.

 

Any woman who claims she prefers an emotionally sensitive, expressive man, who shows her his fears, insecurities and doubts, to a "strong silent type" who "sucks it up", is an out and out liar.

 

I promise you you're wrong. There are tons of women who are all about the "emo" guys - the sensitive, poetic, angst ridden "artistic temperament" types. You should have seen my ex husband! Women LOVED him (not just me).

 

Maybe you just needed to hang out in coffee houses, gallery openings and a certain genre of music venue to meet them, but in my experience there are plenty of women who like men like that. To the point where some guys would even feign being "sensitive" and "emotional" as a pick-up tactic.

[threebyfate]

Hey TBF. I happen to have a doctoral degree in Adult Development from an Ivy League University. Please tell me what a "denial coping mechanism" is. Did you read this in Cosmo or is this in a peer reviewed published journal?

Fascinating that a self-deemed professional within the psychiatric community, isn't able to work through their own obvious biases.

 

So, in your self-deemed professional opinion, why is it that whiners aren't viewed as attractive by women?

[Hawaii50]

The expression by men of emotional sensitivity in men is perceived by women as weakness and is a huge-turn off sexually to women.

 

These guys are prime candidates to get dumped or cheated on. They make women feel uncomfortable.

 

Any woman who claims she prefers an emotionally sensitive, expressive man, who shows her his fears, insecurities and doubts, to a "strong silent type" who "sucks it up", is an out and out liar.

 

Are you a woman? Do you have a Vagina? Then how would you know how a woman feels about anything?!

 

There's a saying "don't mistake my kindness for weakness." Just as thoughtful and considerate as I am about how I, and people around me feel I am just as thoughtful at relaying anger and threatening emotion. Only difference between you and I, I'm secure in how I feel. Whether it be sadness or fury, I've made the decision to express that. It doesn't just happen. you haven't made a valid point yet, just your own personal opinions, which you're free to do, but please stop applying them to men across the board.

Edited October 10, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility and respect

[threebyfate]

I believe you yourself have stated that you don't want your man to be reliant on you and neither will you be reliant on him.

 

Instead of talking in riddles, why not just state whether or not YOU find whining men attractive? You're a woman, aren't you?

Refer to my previous posts. They're very clear in their message which you've deliberately misinterpreted.

[Woggle]

I know I opened up to my wife and despite my worst fears it vastly improved things. Not all women will use it as a weapon against you.