Sad situation, big dilemma.

[BoyinWonder]

These sort of situations shouldn't bother me as much as they do. I have a masters degree in psychology so one would think I am pretty confident in peoples feelings and actions.

 

The whole relationship thing baffles me though always, to some degree or another. This is not the best of topics to be confused about but one that I needed some insight on anyways. My ex, been broken up for almost 5 months now, has recently started calling. Couple times on my cell, several times at my work. I now realize she did so b/c she is taking a huge and I'm sure scary step in her life, she moved out of her house. It is something she wanted to do with my for the longest time but was finishing school and getting things straight before I did. We had a lovely 3 1/2 year relationship that of course had it's ups and downs, like everyones.

 

She is 22 I am 24 to give it a bit of background. She has a bad credit debt problem, which doesn't go away easily or quickly so that played a part in my not wanting to move out with her while we were together. So I know her calling now has something to do with checking to make sure I am there when, not if, she starts to struggle with this whole apartment, out on her own thing. I wouldn't normally say that but given her financial situation, it's hard not to.

 

Recently, past week, my grandmother has fallen very ill and may not last much longer. My aunt, same side of family, passed away 2 years ago obviously while I was still with my girl. I had her support just like she has always had mine in everything. Now with this time around she isn't there, I have a amazingly wonderfuly family and friends that have been a huge support system through everything.

 

She was my stability and my rock, and she would be a fmailiar voice of support that I need/ want right now if not always. Normally the decision would not be tough to call her about this, but things are not okay with us, just in the sense that the issues have not really been resolved and nothing has really been dealt with, just kind of avoided sadly.

 

I am the kind of person that deals with issues head on, fixes the problems, does what it takes to make things work and right now she is not being the same she always was with problems. "Giving up on a good thing" as the song goes.

 

So do I wait for her to call again and then mention it to her about my grandma or do I call her. I hesitate with the latter solely b/c I have been so strong throughout this breakup and would only show a weakness and give her an upper hand.

 

Insights welcome=)

[uriel]

It's not a good idea to reach out to an ex, with whom you've unresolved issues, to gain emotional support. That reestablishes a level of intimacy and dependency that you've said you'd give up by breaking up. Don't weaken those boundaries now, and at a vulnerable time. Turn to family and friends for support, instead. You say you already have a good support network in place.

 

This is especially good advice since your ex hasn't exactly stabilized. You say she's been calling for you looking for a shoulder. Any sign of reciprocation on your part may indicate to her that you're interested in renewing a relationship. In fact, she may be fishing in those waters. Some women look to their male partners for protection and stability.

 

Yes, you'd prefer the familiar comfort of this woman who saw you through grief before. Yet, that comfort came out of her romantic relationship with you. To gain such intensive loving support, you'll need a new partner.

 

-- uriel

[BoyinWonder]

That is kind of what I figured to do. The fact that issues between us, as far as what happened and all that, are unresolved I didn't think I should be contacting her for this. Renewing a relationship with her is not out of the question, I leave that door open, but things have to be resolved bewteen us. Honestly, things bewteen us were fine, we were seemingly very content with one another, so it's more like issues in her and with her.

 

The fact she almost ignores and avoids the "us" subject and pretends like we are okay is very sad. What is even worse is that she never was like that, she would deal with things and be open, but this time I guess is different. Like someone else is thinking for her when she has a wonderful mind. And probably wouldn't do or be like this if it were up to her, this is not strength, maturity or any of the above=)

 

I 100% agree with you that by calling it would weaken the boundaries I have built up this whole time. Not that I want her gone and am avoiding her, but like I said, being strong and keeping the upper hand. Waiting for her to lose control not me I guess. Thanks

[uriel]

Now, now. You say you've a master's in psych, but your really going to stand by your theory that the problems in your relationship were really problems with her own emotional development, independent of the relationship? Granted, she may have emotional maturing and healing to do. But, there's no such thing as a relationship that falls apart where two haven't tangoed it out the door. And, for that matter, why do you characterize the renewal of any intimate connection between you as a loss of control? Why do you characterize it as an ego / power issue at all? That doesn't seem a very healthy or mutual way of viewing your connection.

 

Just some food for thought -- uriel

[moimeme]

I have a masters degree in psychology so one would think I am pretty confident in peoples feelings and actions.

 

One would hope not! I've known a few licensed, practicing PhDs in my time and they sure weren't. Heck, psych still has umpteen different divisions - all differing in their theories about why people are how they are. You may have a handful more ideas that help you get a sense of a few more people, but you'll not ever be able to figure everybody out.

[BoyinWonder]

Now now....I never said I know it all b/c I have a masters in psych, so no word play here=) I am not saying that a renewal of connection is a loss of control, it's just that I have made my tries early on, said my piece, and now it's her turn to show that back to me, how she truly is feeling now. I never said I wasn't to blame, I know there are things I am at fault for, most certainly. Nothing that couldn't be and shouldn't be fixed. I guess the better way of putting it is that with this time of "no contact" I have had that chance to think and see clear, I don't want to stop that now, or lose that b/c she has decided to call. That make better sense? It's late so I am not sure=)