I Caved...And I Don't Regret It.

[SecretFlower]

So, I might just be the weakest person on the face of the universe, but I responded to ex-MM after thinking about it. His grandmother is sick, which I already knew, but he was upset and felt alone and quite frankly vulnerable. I think I've mentioned in the past that I'm friends with his sister, but for a while I was quite close with his entire family. Anyways, we spoke for much longer than I thought we would and I met him tonight. Nothing happened (obviously) otherwise I wouldn't be on here, lol. But, we also talked about what it is we want after my divorce is through.

I'm still not sure that I want to consider a future with him, but I feel like we got so much out onto the table. I was honest with him on how ashamed I felt for so long after our affair and that I feel angry at myself and him for hurting so many people and hurting ourselves for so long. We talked about what we both want in the future, and he was quite clear that he still believes in marriage (which is ironic) and wants to be with someone who he felt connected to on every level. We talked about some things that happened during our affair like me moving out east and him literally following me and all the lies and close encounters and when I miscarried.

It was draining, but we'd never spoken about it and it was like the floodgates had been opened. He didn't ask me about my divorce and I didn't ask him about her as we both agreed that our respective ex-spouses shouldn't be dragged into anything. All in all it was confusing, but wonderful to see that I wasn't crazy and there are aspects of him that I loved for a reason. It wasn't just the thrill. I did love him and maybe I could fall in love with him again.

So, that's where I'm at. Not in a physical relationship. Not even an emotional one. But, I'm opening myself up to him. My divorce is progressing and I'm working on my own to establish boundaries and be happy by myself. But, I'm not going to alienate him either, because I care about him and going from one extreme to another by forcing us both to stop speaking just seems counterproductive.

[Spark1111]

How do you foresee your future?

 

What do YOU want?

 

Do you see him as a full time committed partner?

 

OR, would you be okay being again the OW to a MM?

 

SF, you need to decide what you want. THen, you need to decide if he fits into the scenario of what you want for your future.

 

If you do decide to continue contacting him, you sure must realize you are tacitly agreeing to the role of OW again.

 

Not drag partners into it? ok, you are heading for D, he is not.

 

You discussed a lot, but what did you decide? What do YOU want?

 

I think you are in a very vulnerable place right now. It is natural to reach out and fill something, some support from him, MUST feel good.

 

But to what end? maybe it is too soon for you to know.

 

I would advise CAUTION here in talking with him, unless you want to be the OW again....while he stays married.

 

Is THAT what you want?

[SecretFlower]

He is divorced. She's involved with him as his ex and the mother of his child, but they are completely and legally divorced. I think that I could love him. I think we spent 7 years trying to figure out how to love each other in a way that wasn't right, but I did love him. I think our circumstances led us to hurt each other and we've both grown up since then. He seems sure that he wants a committed relationship and is unwilling for us to be casual or just friends. He wants a relationship and he says that he's always loved me. I loved him and I love how when the relationship is steady and we are both happy how good I feel. I loved my husband, but the spark I felt for my ex was so different. It was like he was the love of my life. We are finally both (almost) single and I feel like if we're going to try this then we need to be honest and upfront and go into it headfirst if it's going to work.

[Spark1111]

Well then renew this from a position of strength, not neediness.

 

DO not be anone's default choice, their Plan B.

 

Get to counseling, both IC and couple's counseling. There is a lot of ground to cover and getting stronger as a person will only make you stronger as a partner. Him too.

 

In the meanwhile, stay cognizant that rebound relationships, born out of fear and insecurity of being alone, do NOT have a hogh rate of success.

 

Stay true to yourself and what you want and HOW you envision the future and the man you want to share it with.

 

There is a lot of time, and healing to do here. Get in onboard. Make sure you take care of yourself and if nothing else, get yourself stronger.

 

Good luck to you!

[veryhappy]

If he's divorced, and you are getting divorced I don't see why you say you caved.

 

After so many years of wondering how it would be to be officially together, I think it's worth a try so you're not left with any regrets. I'd suggest you wait until your divorce is final first, but it's really up to you given that he's divorced.

[Artie Lang]

let me get this straight. you were in an affair with this guy - for seven years, if i'm reading correctly - then ended it. now that you two are available, you both are having second thoughts about starting a "legitimate" relationship?

 

seems like what fueled this affair, i mean relationship, was the sneaking around.

 

believe me, you two deserve each other in every way.

 

 

oy vey.

[hermione08]

Or maybe it's that she fell out of love with him because of all the lies and the pain the affair caused. And now it will take a while to trust him (and herself) again. Understandable, no?

[Artie Lang]

^no.....not really.

 

 

clearly, she still has feelings for him, or she wouldn't be posting this thread.

 

 

i mean seriously.....seven years? and now, she's conflicted about resuming a relationship with her OP???

 

 

the "WOW" factor is gone.....that's all! it's not so appealing anymore. the excitement is not there anymore. they don't have to go around hiding. it's lost it's "luster?" at least that's the way i see it.

 

i may be wrong - and it doesn't apply to every situation - but that's the way i'm reading it here.

[SecretFlower]

^^ I get it. I do. From the outside looking in I, and him too, must look really selfish and crazy. Having an affair whether it is 3 weeks or 7 years is selfish, and the spark and the temptation is definitely an aspect in prolonging an affair. But, my hesitation isn't because the spark is gone. It isn't. I just have a different perspective than I did years ago. I've been in a regular relationship. I've established a career and life outside of him and so I have to consider what it means for the two of us to begin a relationship. You are right. I don't know that the connection will be the same, but I don't think it's lackluster.

I did fall out of love with him. That's why I originally ended the relationship. I'm not inlove with him, but I do care for him. I suppose my biggest concern is not only how we would be in a relationship together, but what it would mean for everyone else (i.e. his ex-wife, his child, our families, etc.). I don't want him to ever be alienated from his child and I don't want to create waves though I think that is inevitable. It's confusing and that's why I'm bringing it all here! I certainly can't talk about it with my family or they'd kill me, lol!