THis is MESSED up

[ANON]

Ok, here goes my story. I started dating a girl about 8 months ago. We got into a very nice relationship. Restaurants, clubs, picnics, you name it... alot of passion and chemistry. It was unbelievable, close to perfect, in my mind at least. It was too good to be true, and I would thank God for it every day and night. One month passed, and I started noticing that she was holding back, she started questioning the relationship and revealed her fears of it not working out, etc. She was in a three year relationship before, and after braking up, she was full of doubts which spilled over into our relationship. Bottom line she was not as natural and did not go with the flow, and it affected me too. But I did my best to assure him that I was not the kind of guy who would hurt her. We did not have any sexual relationship, because she was afraid i was going to "dump her after sleeping with her" and then she would get "really messed up" as she was telling me. After about 2 months of dating her, I started getting frustrated about the fact that her fears and doubts and her previous relationship aspects have become an integral part of our relationship. There was a lot of sexual tension between us, but she just would not let it happen naturally and stretched it as much as she could. I, being a dumbass, still stayed in this relationship. I would bring this topic up many times and expressed my willingness to make love to her and how great it would be. But, she was in self inflicted denial about it. I knew she wanted it but, she was still undecided about it. Well, finally, after 4 months, with my initiative we decided to have sex. And even then, she seemed to be afraid or something. It was well planned out, nice hotel, candles, foam bath, stuff like that...Finally it was happening, I could not believe she finally decided to have sex with me, becaue I thought, in her state of mind, she would never ever want to have any sexual relationship with me. Well, during those 4 months, in my mind, she became something unattainable....I wanted her more and more and more.

 

Ironically, my johnson disappointed me, or maybe disappointed her. Talking about how ironic life might get.

 

Well, after that, things got really screwed up. I noticed I was not getting very aroused by her any more. Several attempts after that made it even worse, failed, failed, failed,,,,again and again and again, to the point where I completely lost any kind of sexual desire. Our relationship got messed up too. My friends suggested that I leave her and try another girl. But I am still trying to figure out what is going on? Is it because of performance anxiety, or because subconsciosly I know that I don't like her, or am mad abot her for not being natural with me in the beginning, or maybe the combination of all this. Even worse i got depressed, because we drifted away from each other gradually, I started seeing a Psychiatrist, he got me on some medications, because I have had insomnia, for the past 2 months, and can't work during day without getting tired. SO IT's A BIG MESS. She tells me that she will be there for me. But even thought when I recover from this, and let's say we resime dating, I think this problem will persist with her, because, first, we both live with our parents, and we don't have a chance to have, or at least try to have sex, except going to motels maybe. Second, because the way I am, I am afraid not to make thigs even worse. Sex therapy is no good choice, because she can not cooperat, she has school, lives with parents and is young, has not time, and willingness to help me out either.

 

I was thinking if we were married or lived together, this would not get into such a mess, because we would take it slow, and the fact that we would be together and have unlimited opportunity at night in one bedroom, would take pressure of me, and things would finally work out on the 5th, 10th, 20th or the 30th attempt for God's sake.

 

But now, I don't know what to do. Is it worth staying with her, or should I just stop it because it won't go anywhere... I kind of lost interest too, because of so much frustration and anxiety. I had a nice life, it was the last thing I wanted in it!!!!!!

 

I have no life now, barely work during day, go home, can't even go out with friends.....basically I am depressed....

 

Should I go back to her once I recover, or move on in life, and take a break from dating for a while?

 

I know this is long! But any opinion would be appreciated

[Tony T]

Why did you even have to ask? If a relationship results in anxiety, frustration, depression, need for medical help and medication, who the hell needs it.

 

Put a cap on this whole thing and move on. You should have skipped out on this one early on.

 

I really don't think there's anything wrong with you except being with the wrong lady. I have incredible respect for her taking her time in having sex but she needs to date guys from churches, groups and organizations that subscribe to abstinence or long delayed consumation.

 

Don't allow your own life to ever be screwed up by someone else. Though you are half responsible for your situation up to now, you are 100 percent responsible if you don't move on from this point. You sound way too young to be going through this kind of thing.

 

Please try to help this lady understand what you are going through. Be kind and nice to her. Give her a very compassionate debriefing. Don't make her feel like a tramp for having slept with you. But do explain your reaction to all this and let her know you have to get yourself together and staying with her is NOT FAIR TO HER.

 

But actually it's not fair to either of you.

[Deejette]

Her fears have affected you and the whole relationship was such a big deal, even sex was staged. Under those conditions, it is no wonder that Mr. Happy did get happy enough.

 

She sounds like a frightened, conflicted person who is walking wounded from her last relationship. People like that are just not ready to be involved in a full, intimate, give and take affair of the heart.

 

You had to work to hard at the whole thing. It doesn't mean you will be impotent for life. This was just an experience that shows you that love must have happiness and fun in it and not be such a struggle.

Why did you even have to ask? If a relationship results in anxiety, frustration, depression, need for medical help and medication, who the hell needs it. Put a cap on this whole thing and move on. You should have skipped out on this one early on. I really don't think there's anything wrong with you except being with the wrong lady. I have incredible respect for her taking her time in having sex but she needs to date guys from churches, groups and organizations that subscribe to abstinence or long delayed consumation. Don't allow your own life to ever be screwed up by someone else. Though you are half responsible for your situation up to now, you are 100 percent responsible if you don't move on from this point. You sound way too young to be going through this kind of thing. Please try to help this lady understand what you are going through. Be kind and nice to her. Give her a very compassionate debriefing. Don't make her feel like a tramp for having slept with you. But do explain your reaction to all this and let her know you have to get yourself together and staying with her is NOT FAIR TO HER. But actually it's not fair to either of you.