No Contact for so long, now second thoughts! Help

[spaacjam]

An unfortunate partical reversal Post: 126

 

Faux, I must say your exemplary advice for Blah Toolz is right on, it seems pretty obvious that the patterns do seem to follow suit in this thread with opening communication leading to more pain if it's too soon.

 

I think the only way to get over something that's already dead and gone is only letting it find it's place in the past. Unfortunately, when you still care about someone, these rules are terribly hard to follow or believe in. Until you have moved on, found something better, and realize you're glad you didn't agitate something that was better left alone, these things seem hard to go through.

 

One thing that has caught my attention in reading this thread, and many other posts on past relationships, is that most of the ex's that are talked about are not nearly as distant as mine is right now.

 

For instance, Blah Toolz's ex-girlfriend and him have just recently had a month barrier of no contact, but otherwise calls still happened, whether they were painful or just totally unrelated to the relationship. Also, many people seem to have computer and text message comm. with their ex's, or even work near them.

 

The thing that drives me insane about my ex-girlfriend is the fact that she lives a state away from me now, but I go to school there (I'm 20, so's she now). By train I'm about an hour and a half away from her, an hour by car. The only connections we have are the fact that we are both in the same state for the school year, met at this school (she dropped out after freshman year) and she still knows my cell phone number (possibly my home phone too).

 

We don't have too many mutual friends, but some and most of them are in my school. After she left me, she didn't call for a month and a half, and when she did, I couldn't believe it. I was wary of her contacting me (knew she was probably just calling for closure), but it was first time I had smiled out of happiness in over two months.

 

Interestingly, her call didn't shatter me right away, I didn't really even know what she wanted, and I think she genuinely wanted to make sure I was okay (I still believe she's a good person) but her new boyfriend did come up (she was terribly brief talking about how they were, but they were good), so I didn't have to wonder any more about what she was doing, she had been with him the whole time.

 

When I got off the phone, I wasn't heartbroken, I felt like it might have even helped me a little. The thing is she told me she was going to call before April to let me know if she was going to a concert I mentioned, but something told me she was only saying this so she wasn't like "I satisfied my curiosity so ... see ya!"

 

As time went on, no call, this first call became worse and worse in my head, I thought of her using me as a comfort, I don't know, but basically I figured that was the end, and her phone wasn't working si I couldn't call her, nor did I want to be one to call at all. I knew that if she cared at all, she would initiate something even it was past when she said she would call, but nothing, and I still hung on to her.

 

Being at the small school we had met at for six months didn't ease my pain. When she called at the end of May, I also couldn't believe it, but saw patterns I didn't want to see in her. She had gotten another phone number (at her parents house) and left a message at 11:00 at night, saying in a friendly voice she wanted to see what I was up to, and that I could call that night if I wanted, gave me the number, and that was it.

 

What had taken her so long! Was it hard for her to call me? (I think her boyfriend has a cell phone, so no). Was she so busy with him or someone else that she forgot? Did she remember and just didn't care?

 

So, she knows I should have gotten the message and number, and more than anything do I want to call her to talk, but do I really want to get strung up in her talking about her life, talking nicely and caringly to me, but then hanging up? Again? No, so I didn't call back. If she cares, she will call again. If she doesn't she won't. If she thinks this means I'm over her OR I that furiously hate her, she might leave it be forever, she might start calling back.

 

About a month passes, and she calls. She calls at 1:00 AM once and doesn't leave a message. Damn it. Now I have the number to call her on my phone (I erased the old message) but I can't. She was probably drunk and reaching out, just feeling weak and calling me so she'll know I'm not over her. But maybe not. I DON'T KNOW!! So, this was about three weeks ago, and nothing since. I hate this, I really do, and only because I'm once again bending on what I want. I thought I would be the one to leave behind the good memories before her, because while she was moving on with her "friend" I was consumed with her and us.

 

So now is she thinking about these things? I find myself thinking how we were wrong, we knew it, and we could never work out now, it's probably the FURTHEST thing from her mind and always will be, but then I think of how wonderful she was and how although most of it was spent suffering over her relentlessly, (which she probably had no idea she was doing to me), I would like to catch up, share what has happened in the seven months we haven't really spoken.

 

I don't know if I should call her or if I should let her call me again, but I'm almost POSITIVE she either thinks I've moved on or just is waiting for me to call her as a friend, maybe she's just prideful, but I know she wasn't this prideful when we were together. Once again, it's made me crazy.

 

The worst thing is that I'm starting school in a month and pray every night that I won't go thru the lonliness, anger and depression I did over her, my life, and other people apain. I don't think I could handle that. All I want is for her to call again and leave a message with something so I know, but it's so hard feeling like she'll never do this. I still wait for it though, and I still hurt.

 

AAAAGGGHHH!!!!!! One forward, two back, you know?

 

What should I do, it's easy to give advice to those in similair situations, but oh!

 

The following of it yourself! Am I ****ing crazy for still caring over three calls? I don't know if I'll ever let her go. Help. I don't want to get hurt and feel like a piece of **** after months of trying to forget her and her boyfriend, but I don't know what she wanted. I feel like if I don't eventually call back, she'll think I moved on.

 

Please, if anyone can give their opinion, I would appreciate it so much. And thank you for actually reading to this point, I have definite rambling problems.

[spaacjam]

Could someone please give their sense on this even if not the entire post. Sorry about the length, I'm just really going crazy about calling her again. I was thinking about a month (back at school) to see if she calls me (most likely will not) and talk to some friends before putting myself in another possible despair, I just wish I could get over her and let her exist in my heart. I think if we met and she miraculously wasn't with him anymore, I would like it and something might build. I guess it's obvious, but I copied this post from another thread into a new topic.

[Blah Toolz]

Unless she calls you back... and leaves a message saying that she misses you, and wants to get back together, then I don't think I'd see it as anything out of the ordinary. She may have been just calling to see what you're up to, or just have somebody to talk/vent to/get attention from. Nothing more, nothing less.

[spaacjam]

You're definitely right in saying that she probably just wanted to satisfy curiosity or relieve guilt (?). What pulls me down from this is the idea that sometimes people are too weak to valiantly tackle their own inhibitions, life circumstances (her boyfriend, who I have the feeling wasn't a regular chump and probably hasn't left her side), or just uncertainty in order to contact someone they still care about, maybe even want to try again with. I don't know, I don't want to end up in school realizing the fantasies or assumptions I built in my mind to make her more interested in me OR unworthy of my love crumble down after a shaky one hour conversation. But I want to know so much!

[spaacjam]

You're definitely right in saying that she probably just wanted to satisfy curiosity or relieve guilt (?). What pulls me down from this is the idea that sometimes people are too weak to valiantly tackle their own inhibitions, life circumstances (her boyfriend, who I have the feeling wasn't a regular chump and probably hasn't left her side), or just uncertainty in order to contact someone they still care about, maybe even want to try again with. I don't know, I don't want to end up in school realizing the fantasies or assumptions I built in my mind to make her more interested in me OR unworthy of my love (helped me deal with pain from her) crumble down after a shaky one hour conversation. But I want to know so much! I feel like reconciliation HAS to be gradual, and after so much NC from me, I need to start that? She won't know if I've changed unless she hears me. I can't believe I'm at this point with one girl. One person! If you had told me two years ago I would be writing this at this point in my life right now, I wouldn't believe it. But I think I still love her. I also feel like I might lack regular life things to "impress" her with (if compared to her current BF). I'm going back to school, but I couldn't find a good job this summer, and haven't had anything with anyother girls beside flirtation (I've only ever kissed or gotten intimate with her, this gets to me alot). So I fear looking like the loser she might expect or possibly even letting her think she's brought my life to a grinding halt.