Committed Relationship → Friends With Benefits

[spacefunk]

My boyfriend of nearly two years ended our relationship in late August because he simply didn't want to be in a committed relationship anymore. He made it clear that it wasn't one specific thing that I had done, that he still loved me, but that he just missed being single and wasn't looking for the responsibility of a committed relationship anymore (calling, dates, etc).

 

I was absolutely torn over the breakup, because he had not only been my first love, but also my best friend, and now I had nobody to go to because it was my best friend that had caused the heartbreak. I pretty much made an idiot of myself for the entire month of September (begging, crying, calling) until I realised what a fool I had been and apologised. We both knew that the emotional wreck he saw wasn't really me, and he told me that he would give me a fresh start.

 

Last night, we were at a school marching competition which required us to spend eight hours in each others' company as well as 250 other students. It was when we were changing out of uniforms that I could tell he was staring at my ass and I later received a text from him saying: "I would be lying if I said I wasn't still sexually attracted to you."

 

Since the breakup, my libido has all but disappeared and every time I did something (ie touch myself) I would feel incredibly guilty and cry afterwards. This was different — with him, it all comes rushing back, and I played along with his messages.

 

"What are you doing afterwards?"

 

The whole gist of our conversation afterwards was whether or not we wanted to hook up. I let him know that as the woman whose heart he broke, I would probably be looking for an emotional connection and be hurt when I didn't find any. He let me know very clearly that the choice was mine and that if I was looking to win him back, that it wasn't going to work. So, thinking that I could always pull out of our deal, I agreed and we pretty much established a friends-with-benefits relationship.

 

The sex was great, and he treated my body just the same as when we were together, kissing me on the mouth and giving me what I wanted rather than simply taking. He held me in his arms afterwards and I told him that he was still "my baby". The conversations we had afterwards were light and friendly and full of everything we had missed out on in each other since the breakup.

 

When I dropped him off, he kissed me and told me that I could still pull out of our deal anytime. And I knew that we weren't going to get back together anytime soon, because when it comes to logically thinking, he's very good at it.

 

I know I should be more upset about this, but I don't feel as if I'm being "used" at all. I feel like we're on equal terms, both meeting what we want from each other sexually, but at the same time, I still miss his morning phone calls and our magical dates. Should I continue happily into this or pull out before I imminently get hurt? Or wait and see where it goes? Of course I want him back, but before we dated, we were friends-with-benefits, and I feel like things will work themselves out in the end...?

[gamman]

Okay. This guy is a jack ass. He is using you. He doesn't respect you, and you aren't respecting yourself. He doesn't want you back. Ever. Run the hell away from him as fast as you can. Initiate NC and stick to it.

 

You are setting yourself up for immense pain. Pain on a scale that you haven't experienced yet. And him, well, he doesn't give a crap about you.

 

You deserve better than this. Have some self respect, set your boundaries, and love yourself by sticking to them.

 

Is it possible for you to start seeing a therapist/counselor weekly and start discussing some this stuff with him/her? I think that might really help.

[RachR]

You're rationalizing this. He is using you, and you're telling yourself you're okay with this, but really you are not even if you won't admit it to yourself yet. You are going to be hurting so much more when this blows up in your face, get out now. You know how I know this? Been there, done that with a past ex...he had even broken up with me for the same exact reason. And I'm not projecting, you're rationalizing it the same way I did with an ex who acted the same way yours is in a situation that played out the same way yours sounds.

Edited October 10, 2012 by RachR

[Phoe]

Been in this exact situation (we were even in marching band together!)

 

He dumped me to try dating another girl, she cut him loose after a month. He came back to me and did the "I'm attracted and miss our closeness and intimacy but am not emotionally ready for more than that" - so I accepted it and basically just became a FWB to him. Later found out from his best friend (who hated me) that he was only interested in the free oral sex he was getting from me, and if it weren't for that he would've tossed me aside for good long ago.

 

I confronted him, he admitted to using me, and I ended things for good.

 

We have NO CONTACT despite the fact that for the past 5 years he has still attempted to contact me about 2-3 times a year. I ignore him every time. He doesn't deserve so much as a "Hi" from me.

[sweetheart5381]

I agree.

 

Get the hell out OP. This is bad news, a serious heartbreak in the making.

 

My ex did the same thing. I loved him sooo much, offered him every chance to be a decent, honourable man. Offered him absolute friendship, caring, forgave him for treating me like **** because I honestly thought he didn't mean to be so mean.

 

He came back... just for the sex. He did it once, proved his apparent honour. That was the second heartbreak in all honesty.

 

Don't go back for thirds, OP.

 

Once bitten, twice shy....thirds are leftovers best served to scavengers.

[freestyle]

He essentially downgraded/demoted you, and you're allowing it.

 

I know it hurts.....but try to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, and realize you deserve better.

 

 

The energy you're spending on him now would be better spent healing, grieving, the old relationship---then making room for someone who won't treat you like you're disposable.

[Daniel V. Ross]

In my own opinion, having your situation is really difficult. It is just unfair in your side that you are still giving what your ex boyfriend wants despite the fact that you don't have any relationship with him anymore.