It really is sad.........

[Haunani]

It really is sad when the relationship is on the verge of ending. Hi, I'm a fairly new here, and I want to share my story. I explained to my husband of 18 yrs married, that this wasn't going to work anymore.

 

We lived together 4 yrs before we got married, and the fact that he was a jealous - extremely, person and drank consistently should have been warning bells in my head, but it wasn't. Love was definately blind. When he was jealous I thought *How cute, he loves me - all that attention*. blah blah. Every night, and I'm not kidding, was a party - 6-8 beers at least. I was totally under his *control*, I thought he lived the fast lane and was fun. It was for a little while, and at 20 it's okay.......

 

23 years later/3 kids together, and at least 15 years of wondering how to get out, when to get out, journaling my thoughts and feelings because I walked on eggshells with him. How sad that the only time he's humble, is after one of our discussions, then back to normal a few days later. Never a change forthcoming. Just a sorrow, pitiful look, and nodding of his head. Asking *well what do you want me to do, or how do you want me to change*? My husband is a very serious person, everything is business - now. He continues to drink 6-12 pack a day, goes to work, goes running, comes home and watches tv and then eats, then sleep., or sometimes begs for sex or not.

 

to me is very controlling and demanding, he says he can't see where. Then I explain that I don't enjoy being part of his *reprimand* like the kids when we do something wrong, or that I get the eyeballs, or the hand,or that he made the decision if I'm telling him something - that he no longer needs to hear it, discuss it, period. He will very strongly get his point across even if you disagree or ask why he feels that way, it's becase he does that's it.

 

I've always shielded the kids from his harsh words (not always harsh in cussing), but harsh in his tone, he doesn't have a gentle heart and can come across very arrogant and *up there*. I ways ask him to come down to my level. He doesn't understand what I'm talking about.

 

I believe hisssss way of thinking is that women stay home and take care of the family, the husband, everything in their surround, and the husband is the provider, what more is needed.

 

Oh there are times when he tries a sense of humor attack, or tries to tell a joke, and it never comes out that way. But basically he doesn't appreciate anyone telling jokes if he's not in the *mood* to hear them, which is 99% of the time.

 

He's a great provider, a wonderful community leader, is awesome with being an umpire (and being with other kids), goes to church (I guess to show everyone that he's a wonderful person).........

 

Then we come home and the 4 walls close in on me as he begins his own *life* of watching tv and staying home - ALL DAY on weekends. He works works and that's it.

 

I basically do the rest - from shopping, clothes, food, entertaining the kids, going out, playgrounds, homework, teaching how to ride bike, bills, paying them, opening the accounts, - anything to do with the house - cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, weeding. etc. He may do the laundry - most of the time he does, and the kids hang and fold but other than that. He's never lifted a finger to help with the kids, watch, feed, change diapers, cook anything while they grew up. After that and they were old enough for sports, he kept them busy - only the boys doing that. And they had something in common, but then he'd just stay after the park and drink with the buddies. other drinking parents. I'd go home.

 

In my head I keep hearing my Christian mothers voice - it's my husband, you need to stay with him no matter what. I did, for 23 years. I'm so sick of it. I think the only thing keeping me back again is the kids and the fear of them hating me for wanting a better life. My eldest said he'd never forgive me. But we are all (my kids) extremely close, and I think my 2 youngest 13 and 6 would deal with it, and be okay, my eldest will have anger problems.

 

Husband is now tucking his tail, and when he calls me sound more like a spiney pathetic person who knows that I have hurt by his actions. He never opted to change or fix it, because when you *marry for life - you take the good and bad and you accept them for what they are*.

 

 

Here are a few things that stick out and he can't console me -

 

My firstborn was adopted out (before his time), but my husband knew about him, and accepted it, so I thought, when my son came to find me, I needed to tell my kids, he refused to support me, and we have to have priest counsel to get him to change his mind - after 2 months of torture. He didn't know why we needed to let the kids know they had a brother.

 

He didn't like me chatting online to my son

 

During my pregnancy with our firstborn, I stayed in a hotel with my mom who flew in, because his family of 9 (lvng in a 1 bedroom) came to stay with us cause they had no home, and when we called him, he was getting drunk with the people next door, when he showed up at the hospital, he was drunk and stunk, I was so pissed.

 

Everything out of his mouth begins with either *What (time are you coming home, are you going to do now...*Where are going? W........*Why didn't you (do this or that)

 

He wants sex all the time - every night, and If I don't give it to him, I get the silent treatment.

 

I am *by silent law* required to: get up in the morning, iron his clothes, make his coffee, prepare his lunch, get everything ready so he just leaves. When I mention this that he doesn't even ask *(dear do you mind......), he just pulls out his clothes, lays them on the chair, goes in to take a shower, and by that, it means, when he's done, that clothes better be done.

 

He hates going anywhere after he's gotten home.

 

He gave away a dog without asking me because he dug holes, then got another one years later after all the ones I brought home he hated and made me take them back - all of them. maybe 6 or 7. Then he brought home this chiquaqua, he was okay, but hated the kids, in time he would growl when they came near me and would bite them. After 4 years of this, I gave him away. Two months later a friend gave me another dog beautiful dog, and I took him, he's huge, but lovable andI wanted him to be inside. I'm never gonig to be forgiven for that, I'm am the one that mowes the lawn because it's the dogs poop, I take him for walks, and I make sure he stays away from the screen door because he barks and wants to come in. (which I let him when dh is away), he insist that he likes the dog, but his actions speak louder. If the dog comes up unexpectedly...*F....ng dog, get the h*ll away*.....

 

I wanted a tatoo for years, he first came with me and looked at them, I got excited, then as we discussed it with friends - it became a sore subject and he's argue his *no* very sternly in a way that tried to get his point across. But he's got one too, just hates it cause it was stupid why he did it. Then the conversation would end with him saying *I really don't give a f*ck if you get one really - go get it and let that be the last time I hear this conversation anymore*. period.

 

It's really sad because I was a great wife, we had great kids, he can't see that he's a dictator and not a humble person at all. And the counselor we saw years ago said this marriage will not last.

 

I know it's my fault too because I allowed it, but better to keep the peace than to fight him over a subject he will not give in to.

 

I 'm so okay with wanting to live on my own and doing it. He's going to lose alot, his kids know, they see me. We are close. My eldest is the one I'm worried for, and if they don't come with me that's okay. They never to go their dad for any questions or comments, unless he askes them first. They are too afraid that he won't simply listen. and thats true.

 

This morning when he left for work, his comment was - maybe I should just shoot myself and everyone will be so happy.........

 

Comments are great - thanks for letting me vent, and vent and vent

[Samson]

This morning when he left for work, his comment was - maybe I should just shoot myself and everyone will be so happy.........

 

Yes, it is sad.

 

Chalk up another marriage "success" story.

 

Don't fault yourself H, you were trapped in this terrible situation by an idiotic social norm, but believe me, there's little to nothing society will do to support your departure from the hell your life has become so be strong, you're going to have to do the hard work of getting out.

[Periwinkle]

Girl it's a different era - our mothers and grandmothers lived extremely boring, unhappy lives catering to their husbands (our fathers and grandfathers). Both my mom and grandmother had kids right out of high school, spent their lives like June Cleaver taking care of the family and being subservient to their husbands.

 

My grandfather cheated on my grandmother, my father cheated on my mother - these women never left them and spent their lives miserable and unhappy until their deaths.

 

I have broken that mold. I am a single mom who won't settle and play the June Cleaver/Betty Crocker game. I'm twice divorced but in both instances I left controlling men who berrated me for not cooking dinner every damn night of the week and getting on my hands and knees to take care of them sexually when they needed it.

 

I have told myself and made my mother and grandmother a promise that I will only be married to a man who treats me with respect, who can be my best friend and who I can trust 100%. So far I've yet to meet a man that can do any of this - they're all too self absorbed egomaniacs who want a wife cooking and cleaning and servicing them. No can do - I might as well be a prostitute and get paid for that if I choose to do all that crap.

 

I want to be a wife without having to conform to someone elses standards. I want to cook and clean without it being demanded of me. I want to have sex maybe sometimes when I need it and want it - not when hubby wakes up at 4:00 a.m. for a poke. I want respect and emotional support.

 

By god if a man can't get off his high horse and put in effort to make a relationship 50/50 - forget it. Times have changed.

 

Stand up for yourself and do things that make you happy and fulfilled. The sterotype of having to be married has gone out the window. Why do we even need to be married? To me it's next to being in prison. Marriage is only great when you are with someone who can be your best friend.

 

I love men - I just hate controlling, self absorbed ones.

[Haunani]

Samson ~ thanks. I think the worst part about it is that he neither acknowledges he does these things and that I'm being too *girly*, that the past cant be changed, we move on. His words. I told him I'm too exhausted to fight. I won't win him, he will twist it around to make me sound crazy.

 

He wants to try for a therapist again, but in my mind, I don't know why. If I'm asked if I *want change* or *want out*, it's the 2nd one, he messed up on the change part.

 

Change would have meant being humble, spending time with family, without drinks and enjoying it. Not always being the one *in charge*. By allowing me to be free to express myself and speak without feeling like *that's it - don't want to hear it* accusations, the lines of communication was not loving nor open.

 

Why would it be difficult to see that I work full time too, wouldn't it be nice to stop and pick up food sometimes without being asked., to run to the store for your own beer, to laugh and express yourself in a way that sense of humor makes people feel comfortable.

 

Now he keeps calling me.........he's going about it all wrong. He's saying *I can't change anything - it's the past*, but of the 100 times I've said something, it is the *past* now.........he doesn't get it.

 

Now it's just making me angry that I can't express myself /words to him that he will come down from the high heavans. He can only say *I'm sorry*.....and then so? I'm so angry with him for not seeing any of this, because yes I am going to have to do the hard work.

[honey2005]

If he won't let you finish what you have to say, maybe you could write it in a letter. Just say what you've said on here. He really does need to change, you can't go on with him treating you like this. I hope something happens for the better. Good luck:(

[Haunani]

Thanks everyone who replied, Periwinkle, I so totally feel like what you are saying, a marriage to me works both ways. I don't understand how my husband has to be told exactly what things need to be done around the house, all you gotta do is look up and see instead of putting blinders on hoping they will *magically* get done, or that it's okay for the guy to get up get the baby food or clothes or take them out riding, of cuddle and read books, and get them ready without being asked, or if they know that you work full time, still have to come home and cook, clean, do homework etc. why can't they just say *hey hon, looks like you had a full day today, I'll pick up dinner - don't worry* or better yet *I'll cook* (that one is foreign to him), or thinking that speaking soft or kind would be considered *wimpy* because he doesn't do it, and that it's better to speak with a loud voice (his regular tone) that gets peoples attention, or that why does he need to do anything outside the home with me or the kids, he's a homebody and he's happy, he's not going to the bar, he's home?

 

I've read some self help books that say that a couple doesn't have to do anything together, they do share - the family responsibilities and kids, that is enough. Why should you make someone *do* something like shopping or going to the beach or an outing, if it will make them miserable? Just don't do it.

 

Then I feel like - okay, so what exactly do we do together, and no kids and family responsibilities are not enough for me. Many husbands go with their wifes to do stuff - I go with my husband and make the best of it, and have fun.

 

I read somewhere that before the spouse decides to leave, she's already been divorced in her heart and mind long before. But I know in my heart of hearts I don't want to be divorced or have my kids go through that kind of life heartache, but I do know that I have feelings for my husband in that he's not a terrible horrible man, and we've never strayed and been faithful, that isn't even in the books. But knowing that he can change his way he communicates back and forth tells me that he can do it, if he wants it forever, but he says *I am what I am*. means he's not willing. But in the same breathe loves , adores the family and me. But I'm not sure that it's change I want because it's never lasted. So what then are my options........live with it or not.

 

it's so sad. (been my saying of late)..........

 

sorry, babling again.........good to get it out.