How to just walk away?

[hnt814]

After 26 years of marriage and 36 years together, I have lost the emotional connection to my wife. Beginning a few years ago I realized that I was the one putting forth almost all of the effort when it came to affection. Not sex, affection. If we kissed goodnight it was because I leaned over. When we would go on long drives it was my hand on her knee. When we walked it was my hand that always found hers. Just all of the little things that show you care. It carried over into bed, where I became aware of a line down the middle, and noticed that I was the one crossing it, 99% of the time. We have never communicated very well, just don't have much to say to each other, but I found a way to tell her and she would 'work on it'. Meaning that she would show affection for a few weeks and then it would tail off to the way it was before. This has happened 5 or 6 times over the past few years. My unhappiness really intensified over a year ago and I stopped approaching her. We haven't had sex in that time. In the past few weeks I have told her how unhappy I was and she says I have changed, that she is the same person and has never been the one to initiate or show affection. I have told her how important it is to me.

 

I sought counselling several months ago and after laying everything out, was told that the outlook for my future was 'bleak'. He suggested of course that I tell her how I felt and I did but will very little change. I simply cannot go on feeling unfulfilled.

 

We do not fight. She is/was a good mother to our grown children. Works hard, does most everything around the house, and I would be thought of as well taken care of. Physically, day to day. Just not emotionally.

 

Her life is completely centered around me. She has almost no friends and prefers quiet time around the house. I would like to live my life and have requested that we do more, go out to hear live music, go hiking, entertain, anything, and she is not interested. On the very rare occassion that we see a movie, the drive home is virtually silent and the movie is not discussed. In restaurants, we are the couple that sits and does not talk to each other. I suggested counselling and she said nothing.

 

Life is comfortable, but incredibly boring. I feel like we are 80 years old(not in our 50's).

 

Recently I told her everything, how unhappy I was and that I couldn't go on like this. She agreed that she would make an effort and I agreed to the same. We have spent the day together a couple of times and gone away overnight once. The entire time I was checked out and just felt like it was all so forced. I just know that anything that is repaired will unravel like it has in the past.

 

I want out but am so afraid of the unknown. So afraid to be alone.

 

How can I find the strength to live my life?

[tojaz]

hint: porn helps

 

Welcome to LS HNT

Ignore that and any other posts from this person today HNT, we are in the midst of a bit of drama.

 

Dave, how about we leave the poor people alone. If you would like a target i have responded to your thread and i have all night

[tojaz]

HNT, I will admit that I'm not the person to ask for advice on how to leave.

 

I will ask first if you still have hopes for saving it, or are you done. If your still in it, what you have tried in an effort to reconnect to your wife and what do you think caused the disconnect? Have you tried Marriage counseling for the both of you?

 

TOJAZ

[2sunny]

I think you answered a lot of your own questions. You seem to have given her your honesty - with no long term change.

 

You have given her time and ample opportunity to grow and make an effort to be engaged in the relationship. She just may not have much to offer.

 

Does she work? That could help to change and broaden her conversations wih you - shed simply have something to offer as far as "her day" each evening.

 

If she's not willing to change and grow - life WILL simply BE TJIS WAY for both of you.

 

 

It's sad to read your post = it hardly seems like "living" from my perspective.

 

I'm in my fifties and I find everybody I come into contact with fascinating. I love it when even strangers touch my arm or gently encourage me while at work. I deal with the public - and it's fantastic just how many people ARE loving and kind. Your closed off wife is a rarer breed.

 

My best suggestion is - since YOU have done the work to find out what is missing that would make you happy - and she's intent NOT to give it to you - YOU should divorce - or at least try separating and live on your own for a long while.

 

IT'S NOT SCARY! It's fantastic! I go where I want to go - wih whoever I want - wherever I want - for as long as I want = it's pure freedom!

 

No one nags me, no one gets mad at me if the laundry a not done or a dish is in the sink...

 

I was married for 20 years - I had it all - I ended it - I was in fear at first - but I learned how much better it is this way.

 

I see friends, family, travel, go to the beach, movies, have friends stay for a few days...

 

You may find that you feel "less alone" without her.

 

You can try it out and see how it goes.

 

Hugs

[jf2good]

"Life is comfortable, but incredibly boring. I feel like we are 80 years old(not in our 50's)." I am not one to give advice her as my marriage situation sucks, but I understand how you feel, your not old, not dead, and not 80, yet too often people call it a mid life crisis when one member "usually the man" wants to live a vibrant life, and the wife is ready to slowly fade away into the sunset brooding over her grandchildren if any.

 

Don't do as I did and cheat with someone younger, more vibrant, that is advice I can give from a mistake point of view. You either have to fix the marriage problems or divorce, spending another 5 or 10 years or more will make you resentful and bitter towards your wife.

 

If divorce was the easy option I should have taken that one long ago. I took the escape route of cheating, which didn't fix anything but makes both options getting a divorce or fixing the marriage messy.

[trippi1432]

I would say that it was more your language of the marriage to need an emotional connection (outside of sex)..the thing is, if you split now, you will feel relieved and believe it or not ...your wife will shine also. The two of you need to reconnect on knowing each other..if her love is acts of service, do them. If yours are affection and touching, let her know that..she needs to know that. If neither of you can comply to that or want to get to know each other beyond the trivial years, then possibly the marriage is over. But it's not just about what you want, you have to give to receive.

[2sunny]

I would say that it was more your language of the marriage to need an emotional connection (outside of sex)..the thing is, if you split now, you will feel relieved and believe it or not ...your wife will shine also. The two of you need to reconnect on knowing each other..if her love is acts of service, do them. If yours are affection and touching, let her know that..she needs to know that. If neither of you can comply to that or want to get to know each other beyond the trivial years, then possibly the marriage is over. But it's not just about what you want, you have to give to receive.

 

It seems he's tried these changes for several years - with no long term effort from his wife... Sad.

[trippi1432]

Sometimes it's easier to walk away from what you never tried to understand than to try to understand each other.

[2sunny]

Separate. Rent a room somewhere not too far away.

 

Start planning your days and doing what makes you happy.

 

Take classes. Paint, play music, go for hikes.

 

Don't move to date or sleep with anyone. You don't need to complicate this.

 

See how you like being on your own - while living a little each day!

[trippi1432]

I can't argue with that 2 Sunny..those things help you to understand YOU outside of a life that you once knew...a shared life would have a spouse who loves you for who you are, just as they wish to be loved.

 

You can have your own time in your marriage as well as she. One where she does her own thing and you do yours...not involving anything outside of the marital bed.

[hnt814]

What you call 'boring' many would call 'comfortably peaceful'. No offense, but I don't see any real dealbreaker here. She works hard, is loyal, loves you, respects you...what more can a man (or woman) ask for?

 

Why don't you take turns setting up dates? Find a common interest, dancing a martial art, the theatre... movie and dinner night? Perhaps you should do something on your own since you clearly want more stimulation. Take up a sport, tennis or something.

 

What more I could ask for I outlined above. A partner. An emotional connection. Someone who shows affection. Someone to LIVE with.

[hnt814]

Separate. Rent a room somewhere not too far away.

 

Start planning your days and doing what makes you happy.

 

Take classes. Paint, play music, go for hikes.

 

Don't move to date or sleep with anyone. You don't need to complicate this.

 

See how you like being on your own - while living a little each day!

 

It may be this is what I need. Time alone to figure out who I really am and what I really want.

[robf1971]

It may be this is what I need. Time alone to figure out who I really am and what I really want.

 

But, to do this you need to be prepared for the possibility that you will hate it, want to go back to your wife and she will not take you back!! If you are A ok with this, then go for it.

[TaraMaiden]

Split. Separate. go your own way for 6 months. Live your own life, be independent and arrange with your wife that while all the practicalities will be dealt with, to all intents and purposes you go No Contact - as far as is humanly possible - and you create a 'single' life for yourselves.

Don't date - that is, don't purposely cheat, or have any form of emotional or physical fling - but enjoy the company of others, and be upfront about your motives and intentions.

Let your children know what you are doing.

be honest - but don't diss their mother in any way.

Take full responsibility for your feelings and emotions. Don't apologise, but explain and clarify.

you have nothing to apologise for, but they deserve openness and honesty, without excessive revelation.

You may be their father, but you're also a person in your own right, with a right to explore life the way you feel you need to.

 

Be contactable for emergencies, but don't be 'available' for trivia.

You want to drive this - so drive it.

Remember - actions have consequences. be prepared to deal with the unexpected.

 

But don't be namby-pamby or pussyfoot.

Life is risk and reward, an unknown.

This may be scary, but how stupid will you feel in 10 years' time, if you don't try and find out what's beyond your 4 walls....? Kicking yourself for the "what ifs" and "yes buts" is frustrating and painful. Try a "Why not?"

 

The door is there. There's no lock, except the one you have put there, in your mind.

[Daisy926]

Reading your post I feel this will be me in 20 years. I am trying to find the courage to leave as well. Only difference is I feel I will be better alone... Just not sure how to go about saying I want to separate. The logistics are hurting me

 

Wish you luck

 

Tara - thanks for your responses, it is making me feel strong.

[thomasb]

It is not your wives job to fulfill you emotionally! It is yours. I have found that people who say life is boring are usually boring people. Get out into your community, your church, and service organizations and DO something! Get a new hobby. Take up a sport. Your wife doesn't have to share every enthusiasm you have. You will never feel emotionally fulfilled until you fill the hole in YOURSELF.

[GuyInLimbo]

What you call 'boring' many would call 'comfortably peaceful'. No offense, but I don't see any real dealbreaker here. She works hard, is loyal, loves you, respects you...what more can a man (or woman) ask for?

 

Why don't you take turns setting up dates? Find a common interest, dancing a martial art, the theatre... movie and dinner night? Perhaps you should do something on your own since you clearly want more stimulation. Take up a sport, tennis or something.

 

You apparently didn't read what the guy wrote. He said he tried to get her to do all sorts of things but she wasn't interested.

 

HNT, wow.. I feel as if I could be writing this same thing in ten years if I decided to stay. I think I ignored the lack of affection from my wife most of the time we've been together. I'd say a lot of my focus was lack of sex as well as lack of inhibition. But, it somehow popped out of my mouth a few years ago when we had one of our very rare heart-to-hearts. And, like your wife, she made an effort for a few weeks and then it was back to normal for the next few years. Same thing happened earlier this year.

 

This, of course, goes both ways. If a spouse isn't showing his/her partner that they are really attracted to them, want them, desire them, etc. it wears at the relationship. And I think it leads to a point of no return. You don't realize for YEARS that it slowly eats away at your self-esteem. If you're lucky, something, some action from someone else ignites a spark inside you that reminds you of what that feels like. I had that moment, even if it was literally a split second when a woman I became good friends with years ago (see my introductory post) kissed me good bye after lunch one day (just a smack on the lips) and I literally felt this shock go through my body and a feeling of excitement that I hadn't felt in over ten years.

 

In our cases, I simply think the wives are incapable of showing affection. Frankly, my wife has barely been with anyone else and may very well show such interest in someone she was head over heels in love with. I don't think she knows better. On the other hand, I HAVE been in love before and do remember being with women I couldn't keep my hands of and vice versa - as well as feeling no desires to be with any other women than them at that time.

 

I think the OP laid out his feelings enough to say he tried and is justified in walking away from a soul-sucking relationship. I know what it's like to ride home silently from a show/movie/event, sit quietly at dinner with barely any conversation (much less INTERESTING conversation) and just feel plain lonely while married. It f'ing sucks. So, good for you for deciding to move on. There's someone else out there who can and will make you feel alive.

[hnt814]

As to long term commitment, we have been together for over 35 years. I have realized all along that I made a vow but at what point to I completely give up on my needs to fulfill that commitment? Yes she has been wonderful in many ways and I am not blaming her completely. I know that she is content and it is me that is driving this. But I began voicing my concerns years ago about needing affection. I began to feel unattractive and told her so. Things would get better for a few weeks and then fade. After several rounds of this I stopped asking and withdrew.

 

I am by no means a perfect person. I am just trying to figure out if after dozens of years of giving myself to my wife and my family if I can focus on my needs?

[hnt814]

You apparently didn't read what the guy wrote. He said he tried to get her to do all sorts of things but she wasn't interested.

 

HNT, wow.. I feel as if I could be writing this same thing in ten years if I decided to stay. I think I ignored the lack of affection from my wife most of the time we've been together. I'd say a lot of my focus was lack of sex as well as lack of inhibition. But, it somehow popped out of my mouth a few years ago when we had one of our very rare heart-to-hearts. And, like your wife, she made an effort for a few weeks and then it was back to normal for the next few years. Same thing happened earlier this year.

 

This, of course, goes both ways. If a spouse isn't showing his/her partner that they are really attracted to them, want them, desire them, etc. it wears at the relationship. And I think it leads to a point of no return. You don't realize for YEARS that it slowly eats away at your self-esteem. If you're lucky, something, some action from someone else ignites a spark inside you that reminds you of what that feels like. I had that moment, even if it was literally a split second when a woman I became good friends with years ago (see my introductory post) kissed me good bye after lunch one day (just a smack on the lips) and I literally felt this shock go through my body and a feeling of excitement that I hadn't felt in over ten years.

 

In our cases, I simply think the wives are incapable of showing affection. Frankly, my wife has barely been with anyone else and may very well show such interest in someone she was head over heels in love with. I don't think she knows better. On the other hand, I HAVE been in love before and do remember being with women I couldn't keep my hands of and vice versa - as well as feeling no desires to be with any other women than them at that time.

 

I think the OP laid out his feelings enough to say he tried and is justified in walking away from a soul-sucking relationship. I know what it's like to ride home silently from a show/movie/event, sit quietly at dinner with barely any conversation (much less INTERESTING conversation) and just feel plain lonely while married. It f'ing sucks. So, good for you for deciding to move on. There's someone else out there who can and will make you feel alive.

 

 

Guy, thank you so much for understanding.

[hnt814]

So back my original question. How to walk away?

 

I am struggling with hurting her. Her tears make me question what I was even thinking and how I could be so selfish. If I cave in and stay I know things will never change and I will never be happy. When I am away or at work I am strong. When she is crying and telling me that I am her world, I am weak.

 

How to deal with all of this?

[TaraMaiden]

In answer to your question: You sometimes just have to grab the courage of your own convictions with both hands - and go for it.

 

Nobody ever leapt a ditch in two separate steps.

 

Split. Separate. go your own way for 6 months. Live your own life, be independent and arrange with your wife that while all the practicalities will be dealt with, to all intents and purposes you go No Contact - as far as is humanly possible - and you create a 'single' life for yourselves.

Don't date - that is, don't purposely cheat, or have any form of emotional or physical fling - but enjoy the company of others, and be upfront about your motives and intentions.

Let your children know what you are doing.

be honest - but don't diss their mother in any way.

Take full responsibility for your feelings and emotions. Don't apologise, but explain and clarify.

you have nothing to apologise for, but they deserve openness and honesty, without excessive revelation.

You may be their father, but you're also a person in your own right, with a right to explore life the way you feel you need to.

 

Be contactable for emergencies, but don't be 'available' for trivia.

You want to drive this - so drive it.

Remember - actions have consequences. be prepared to deal with the unexpected.

 

But don't be namby-pamby or pussyfoot.

Life is risk and reward, an unknown.

This may be scary, but how stupid will you feel in 10 years' time, if you don't try and find out what's beyond your 4 walls....? Kicking yourself for the "what ifs" and "yes buts" is frustrating and painful. Try a "Why not?"

 

The door is there. There's no lock, except the one you have put there, in your mind.

[MsOptimist]

So back my original question. How to walk away?

 

I am struggling with hurting her. Her tears make me question what I was even thinking and how I could be so selfish. If I cave in and stay I know things will never change and I will never be happy. When I am away or at work I am strong. When she is crying and telling me that I am her world, I am weak.

 

How to deal with all of this?

 

I can't answer your question because my position is closer to your wife's position (except I wanted to work on the marriage and he did not) - and from my position, my husband is extremely selfish. He has also been very cold and very cruel throughout this process, and that has made everything worse. He moved to his parents while I packed and until I moved (I voluntarily chose to be the one to move out of the house). It felt like he buried his head in the sand and left me and his parents to clean up the mess. A little compassion from him would have helped me. A hug from him when I was sobbing on the floor would have helped me vs. turning coldly and walking out the door.

 

I do want you to think about one thing though - that spark of excitement that you felt when your friend kissed you - those new feelings won't last in any relationship. I completely understand why those feelings evoke excitement from you when you are unhappy in your current relationship, but take some time to realize that you might not find what you're looking for in someone else.

 

It's up to you to choose that path, of course, and to take that risk, but it's still a possibility that your unhappiness comes from within and not just the marriage.

[GuyInLimbo]

I think the kissing friend comment was mine, not his.

[veryhappy]

It's very easy for you to stay where you are, so it will take a lot of determination to get out.

 

If you do decide your marriage is over, don't drag it out. File, move out, get divorced, move on. Don't agree to requests to try again to work it out, or get mushy at her crying about messing her retirement plans and how it was supposed to last forever.

 

There's no easy way, and there's no way to avoid pain, but it is much messier if you'll take years to divorce and flip flop, giving her false hopes.

[MsOptimist]

I think the kissing friend comment was mine, not his.

 

Oh, sorry - must have read the posts wrong.