sad puppy Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I know a number of people that died, suddenly, in their fifties. Healthy, fine, no issues - and then sudden cardiac arrest, one had an aneurysm. Ponder your life. If you knew you had, lets say, 7 years to live, how do you want to live it? Sitting with your wife in a restaurant, silently? Or does your brain leap to: I want to hike the Rockies, I want to go dancing, I want to snorkel in the islands, ... We are all on borrowed time. Every one of us. This is a good place to seek advice. But I bet you know the answer. How do you do it? You sit down and speak your peace, my friend. Once you get the ball rolling, you will speak from your heart. Be firm in your resolve. Embrace your life and heart's desires. You will not regret it. Life is change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I know a number of people that died, suddenly, in their fifties. Healthy, fine, no issues - and then sudden cardiac arrest, one had an aneurysm. Ponder your life. If you knew you had, lets say, 7 years to live, how do you want to live it? . Never mind 7 years... let's say 7 days! In situations like this I consider - always, ad nauseam - how the people at the top of the Twin Towers must have felt. Completely unaware of what they were walking into that morning, going to work..... YOLO. Life's too short to prop dead wood up and call it a tree..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Absolutely. This poster seems to have thought deeply. Time to make a move. Of course your wife will be sad, you've been through all this before. And look, you're still there. Time to go snorkeling ... Link to post Share on other sites
paradigm shift Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Hmmm, posting from the other side, I would have loved if husband had sat down and been honest and suggested we go to counseling. The path from there at least, allows you to say you gave it your best shot and allows her some time to come to grips that the marriage is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids. I know I am not blameless in getting to where my marriage stands today, but I would have liked husband to come clean a long time ago. I agree, you have to broach this seriously. Life is too short Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Recently, I'm not sure whom, but I'm thankful to a poster that recommended an excellent, although dated book by Dr. James Dobson, "Love Must Be Tough." I got it on Amazon.com for less that two bucks. It was a classic read, and so relavant to so many of us issues good people are facing on both sides of the fence here on LS. You specific issue is addressed is Chapter 3 - you feel trapped. While there is a religious undertone to his writing - really, Dobson cites no more than the basic universal life principles we all certainly try to live by. I would check this out if I were you, OP. I am going to continue to recommend it to everyone else. Wish I had read so much sooner - but it really gave me great insight. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 I would never give Mr. Dobson a penny of my money. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Absolutely. This poster seems to have thought deeply. Time to make a move. Of course your wife will be sad, you've been through all this before. And look, you're still there. Time to go snorkeling ... You are correct. OP there is no easy way to 'just walk away' because no matter how you do it she will be in pain. You just have to do it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hnt814 Posted October 14, 2012 Author Share Posted October 14, 2012 Found strength today watching the Red Bull Stratos event. That guy just scooted up to the platform, and stepped off. 120,000 feet down. The only difference is I don't have a parachute..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hnt814 Posted October 25, 2012 Author Share Posted October 25, 2012 Update. Found the strength to walk away a few days ago and am now living on my own for the first time in 37 years. And I'm miserable. What have I done? I have spent most of my life making her happy and now she is crushed. This is so not like me and I am filled with regret. I think about going back every day but I'm afraid to wake up in five years and be in the same place. Feeling like I had this great opportunity to live my life and gave it away in the name of devotion. How do I look at my own happiness and deal with making my wife and children miserable? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Sorry chum, but spending your entire time making someone else happy kicks your own well-being into the touchline. You have to shift your focus. You have to stop thinking about what makes her happy, and deliberately concentrate on finding your own way,l your own life, your own feet. Living for another person hands them control, and leaves you helpless... It's going to be difficult, because you've spent all this time acting "outwards" and now you have to turn it inwards". That's a hard habit to break. But for your sake - and theirs - you're going to have to change. Yours, because you need to establish your own personal identity again, instead of being "X's husband" or "YZ's Father". Theirs, because they have to learn independence and not be so attached to Husband/father doing everything for them. They're going to have to learn to cut the ties that bind. You need to establish your own individual personality, character and existence. It's only been a short while. You should give yourself a finite period of time during which you will completely focus on you, and you alone. Only contact your family - and vice-versa - if the situation seriously and urgently demands it. Otherwise, stay separate and find things you love doing - for you. See my first post in your thread..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sapientia Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Update. Found the strength to walk away a few days ago and am now living on my own for the first time in 37 years. And I'm miserable. What have I done? I have spent most of my life making her happy and now she is crushed. This is so not like me and I am filled with regret. I think about going back every day but I'm afraid to wake up in five years and be in the same place. Feeling like I had this great opportunity to live my life and gave it away in the name of devotion. How do I look at my own happiness and deal with making my wife and children miserable? You weren't expecting it to be all sunny joy, were you? Of course you feel bad. You should. You've made the decision to leave your wife who, from your posts, is a fundamentally good, loyal wife. That's not a judgement on your choice, btw. It's simply the price you must pay for putting your selfish wants first over breaking your commitment. If you didn't feel regret, I'd wonder if you were a sociopath. I just hope you realized this before you crushed her and aren't planning to go back b/c the only way out is 'through'. There's no 'free' in freedom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsOptimist Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Update. Found the strength to walk away a few days ago and am now living on my own for the first time in 37 years. And I'm miserable. What have I done? I have spent most of my life making her happy and now she is crushed. This is so not like me and I am filled with regret. I think about going back every day but I'm afraid to wake up in five years and be in the same place. Feeling like I had this great opportunity to live my life and gave it away in the name of devotion. How do I look at my own happiness and deal with making my wife and children miserable? Coming from the other side of the fence (your wife's), I have to say I'm kind of glad you feel regret. As sapienta said, I'd wonder if you were a cold hearted person if you didn't have some remorseful feelings about leaving. I don't think I would take my husband back after how much hurt he has caused me, but I want to him know the pain that I'm feeling. It's unbearable. I know I can get through this, but I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 A lot of it also has to do with fear. You've been in the same situation for 37 years! Hell yes that's going to be scary. It's going to take quite a long period of adjustment. It's OK to feel pain. You're human. The "easy" thing would be to just go back, like you said. But, in the end, if you're so unhappy, what's the point? Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Your story was eerily similar to mine. Something was missing (reciprocated affection). I came to the realization that, at least for me, I couldn't be happy unless I both gave and received love (and affection). Both have to exist (the giving and the getting). In a marriage like that it is impossible to find happiness because no matter how much you give you were missing half of the equation (the getting). You could have stayed with her but were never going to find happiness with her no matter how hard you tried. You will both have a very difficult and miserable period until you 'heal' a bit and move on to the next stage of your life. I'm sure you are sorry for that and will question what you did as you work through the pain. You moved out. You've committed. Hard to undo that. Go forward now. I define 'failure' in divorce as: * murdering a spouse (the ultimate failure) * suicide due to depression * going back to the same situation / getting back together only to be unhappy. Be as decent as you can through the process and move forward. You will find the other 1/2 of the happiness equation when the time is right. Link to post Share on other sites
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