Robert Z Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 It was so long ago and it became so much the norm that I had almost forgotten a key problem that helped to drive our marriage down the toilet. Just about the time the internet started to take off, my ex got hooked on video games - all the stupid stuff microsoft included with Windows, and then more stuff like it online as it became available. Before too long this started looking like a serious addiction. So as time went on I asked, begged, pleaded, argued, and did everything I could to get her nose out of the computer and back into life. I kept warning her that it would turn her brain to mush. I could see that her personality was changing right before my eyes. She became introverted, uninteresting, disinterested in pretty much everything, unwilling to do much of anything, and always on the edge of hostility given any interruption. It didn't matter what we were doing, she was almost always preoccupied by her stupid games. She never did stop. Our marriage ended. And I would bet $1000 that right now her she's playing a stupid game with the entire world all but tuned out. As I said, it was so long ago and so much the norm for so long that I had all but forgotten what life was like before Free Cell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii50 Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 Free-cell is a gateway game. And, "if you win at video games- You lose at life" Saw that quote on a Billboard a few years back. That's crazy/horrible that it actually ruined your marriage, though. first I've heard of it, especially from a male perspective. Usually it's us guys glued to the Tube. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 Free-cell is a gateway game. And, "if you win at video games- You lose at life" Saw that quote on a Billboard a few years back. That's crazy/horrible that it actually ruined your marriage, though. first I've heard of it, especially from a male perspective. Usually it's us guys glued to the Tube. I wouldn't say it was the only factor in ending our marriage but it was highly significant. From my point of view, in a very real sense, once she discovered gaming, I never saw my wife again. For all practical purposes, she died. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 I wonder if my husband feels this way about LoveShack? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii50 Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 I wonder if my husband feels this way about LoveShack? I'm sure he misses you I'm not one to give unsolicited advice, so you're going to have to make a thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 This is a huge problem. I am so happy I stepped away from all of this by the time I was 17. Besides for LS and FB I keep my online presence limited. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 It was so long ago and it became so much the norm that I had almost forgotten a key problem that helped to drive our marriage down the toilet. Just about the time the internet started to take off, my ex got hooked on video games - all the stupid stuff microsoft included with Windows, and then more stuff like it online as it became available. Before too long this started looking like a serious addiction. So as time went on I asked, begged, pleaded, argued, and did everything I could to get her nose out of the computer and back into life. I kept warning her that it would turn her brain to mush. I could see that her personality was changing right before my eyes. She became introverted, uninteresting, disinterested in pretty much everything, unwilling to do much of anything, and always on the edge of hostility given any interruption. It didn't matter what we were doing, she was almost always preoccupied by her stupid games. She never did stop. Our marriage ended. And I would bet $1000 that right now her she's playing a stupid game with the entire world all but tuned out. As I said, it was so long ago and so much the norm for so long that I had all but forgotten what life was like before Free Cell. That is very sad. I wish she had thought about it and decided to turn her life around and not fall into the trap of living life online. My husband told me last Friday to please cut down on the amount of time here on loveshack and I understand why, so this is my last post for today. I am curious about something please. If your wife was an awesome wife who loved you, who kept good care of herself and made sure to stay sexy, and who didn't get lost in games but rather enjoyed having sex and spending time with you doing things together, would you have wanted to spend your life with her instead of doing what you are doing now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 I am curious about something please. If your wife was an awesome wife who loved you, who kept good care of herself and made sure to stay sexy, and who didn't get lost in games but rather enjoyed having sex and spending time with you doing things together, would you have wanted to spend your life with her instead of doing what you are doing now? When I said "I do", I meant it for life. That is why I hung on as long as I did. And that is why I couldn't bring myself to accept that she didn't really care about me or much of anyone else anymore. It is all superficial. Honestly, when I read here how some other women treat their husbands, and as I have discussed it with some friends who have good marriages, it can bring tears to my eyes. I never should have married her and she never should have married anyone. What I am doing now is what I need in order to be reasonably happy. Were I to fall in love again with someone who loves me back, that would be great. But I have to be practical. That may never happen. And I'm not going to live out my remaining years in sexual desperation. And I'm not going to pretend to love someone just for the sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 It wasn't the games though. It was the fact that she checked out of life and put zero effort into your marriage. If she had played lots of mindless games, but still had sex with you every night and took some time regularly to do things with you, the games would not (or should not) have been an issue. It's all about balance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) It wasn't the games though. It was the fact that she checked out of life and put zero effort into your marriage. If she had played lots of mindless games, but still had sex with you every night and took some time regularly to do things with you, the games would not (or should not) have been an issue. It's all about balance. To some limit that is probably true. In the end I knew she didn't really care about me... and in some ways I doubt she ever really did. Knowing that alone was enough. In my view, not to say that I'm without fault in all of this, but almost all of it boils down to her being a very selfish person. The games were just a manifestation of this. It was always all about her living in her own little world. At first I took this as more her being independent and free-spirited, which I liked, but over time it morphed into something ugly. She fooled me long enough to marry me and it was all downhill from there. I kept hoping that somehow things would get better, but they didn't. And I was so focused on my career that life got away from me. The next thing I knew, I had wasted half of my life. Edited October 15, 2012 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) BetheButterfly, I was thinking about this and wanted to add a bit of context as well given other statements I have made at LS. Even if we had a wonderful marriage in every other way but it was void of sex, I don't think I could be happy... in fact I know that now. This is where it gets tough because apparently 80% of all married women have lost their drive after 20 years [linked this from a German study discussed in Psychology Today, in the sex forum]. In a sense I am lucky that she made it easy to walk away. I don't know what I would do if I was torn between the need for sex, and being loyal to the woman I love. (1) But then I come back to the idea now that no woman who loves me would ever ask me to live without a sex life. (1) Correction, yes I do know exactly what I would do. I would bury myself in my work for ten years and try to pretend that I can live without love [human touch and intimacy] until I finally have to choose between life or death. For a moment I almost forgot... I guess I'm getting better. It took me a long time to understand all of this. Edited October 16, 2012 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 (edited) BetheButterfly, I was thinking about this and wanted to add a bit of context as well given other statements I have made at LS. Even if we had a wonderful marriage in every other way but it was void of sex, I don't think I could be happy... in fact I know that now. This is where it gets tough because apparently 80% of all married women have lost their drive after 20 years [linked this from a German study discussed in Psychology Today, in the sex forum]. In a sense I am lucky that she made it easy to walk away. I don't know what I would do if I was torn between the need for sex, and being loyal to the woman I love. (1) But then I come back to the idea now that no woman who loves me would ever ask me to live without a sex life. (1) Correction, yes I do know exactly what I would do. I would bury myself in my work for ten years and try to pretend that I can live without love [human touch and intimacy] until I finally have to choose between life or death. For a moment I almost forgot... I guess I'm getting better. It took me a long time to understand all of this. Robert Z, You have a good heart I think. I very much hope you find a wonderful lady who loves you for who you are, with whom you can enjoy an amazing sex life together, and with whom you feel as "one." I am sorry you had a horrible marriage. I'm not going to blame your ex-wife but it makes me so sad that she didn't appreciate you or enjoy life and sex with you. I agree with you that she should not have married you. This is my last post again today lol because my time limit on loveshack is up. (I promised my hubby not to spend too much time on here and also not get upset because he doesn't want to come home to find me crying or mad.) Besides, I have work to do today. Anyways, I would like to encourage you to please get involved in helping rescue girls being forced into prostitution if you aren't involved already. Sad to say, so many girls are hurting because of the lust and greed of other people. Blessings and I hope you know that even though I don't agree with what you are doing in order to feel sexually satisfied, I very much respect how you did strive to live with your ex-wife and you did want the ideal marriage. It's not your fault that she didn't feel the same. I don't think you should have to choose between sex or marriage. I think that for people with healthy sex drives, having sex (making love) with one's spouse is AWESOME and is one of the most important treasures in the ideal marriage!!! I hope very much you and a wonderful lady who is your soulmate get together to enjoy the ideal marriage and treasure each second together!!! Edited October 16, 2012 by BetheButterfly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Robert Z, You have a good heart I think. I very much hope you find a wonderful lady who loves you for who you are, with whom you can enjoy an amazing sex life together, and with whom you feel as "one." I am sorry you had a horrible marriage. I'm not going to blame your ex-wife but it makes me so sad that she didn't appreciate you or enjoy life and sex with you. I agree with you that she should not have married you. This is my last post again today lol because my time limit on loveshack is up. (I promised my hubby not to spend too much time on here and also not get upset because he doesn't want to come home to find me crying or mad.) Besides, I have work to do today. Anyways, I would like to encourage you to please get involved in helping rescue girls being forced into prostitution if you aren't involved already. Sad to say, so many girls are hurting because of the lust and greed of other people. Blessings and I hope you know that even though I don't agree with what you are doing in order to feel sexually satisfied, I very much respect how you did strive to live with your ex-wife and you did want the ideal marriage. It's not your fault that she didn't feel the same. I don't think you should have to choose between sex or marriage. I think that for people with healthy sex drives, having sex (making love) with one's spouse is AWESOME and is one of the most important treasures in the ideal marriage!!! I hope very much you and a wonderful lady who is your soulmate get together to enjoy the ideal marriage and treasure each second together!!! Thanks. I appreciate your words. I won't be getting involved in trying to save the world any more as I've spent most of my life doing that. But I can promise that my very special friends will always be treated with respect, dignity, and with a gentle, loving, caring touch. I adore them and they know that. Even though some people here refuse to believe it, what we have, especially the one, is precious. I've had sex with enough women to know that for a fact. One interesting twist to all of this. My ex has decided that maybe she made a mistake. LOL!!! It is sooooooooo too late for that! I couldn't help but think "Go play your games. You made your choice long ago". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 ... I suspect that she sees that I am once again happy, healthy, fit, and active, that I have a life, that she isn't, and she doesn't, and it dawned on her that something's wrong with this picture. She still doesn't get it. My problem was her, not life! Funny thing. My grandmother saw it from the start. I knew there was something wrong the day we got married. I could see it in her eyes. Mom was all for the wedding but Grandma saw right through the fascade. She knew the ex wasn't the woman she pretended to be. Link to post Share on other sites
BetheButterfly Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 ... I suspect that she sees that I am once again happy, healthy, fit, and active, that I have a life, that she isn't, and she doesn't, and it dawned on her that something's wrong with this picture. She still doesn't get it. My problem was her, not life! Funny thing. My grandmother saw it from the start. I knew there was something wrong the day we got married. I could see it in her eyes. Mom was all for the wedding but Grandma saw right through the fascade. She knew the ex wasn't the woman she pretended to be. Many times, parents and/or grandparents know when a couple is not a good match. It is like they have a sixth sense or something. My parents did not agree at all with my first marriage. However, they adore the man I am married to now and approved of him from the first time they met him!!! I am curious about something. Was your Grandma happily married? Was your Mom? I ask because I wonder if there's a correlation between parents who are happily married having a "6th sense" about if a couple is a good match or if that has nothing to do with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) Many times, parents and/or grandparents know when a couple is not a good match. It is like they have a sixth sense or something. My parents did not agree at all with my first marriage. However, they adore the man I am married to now and approved of him from the first time they met him!!! I am curious about something. Was your Grandma happily married? Was your Mom? I ask because I wonder if there's a correlation between parents who are happily married having a "6th sense" about if a couple is a good match or if that has nothing to do with it? The short answer is that I don't know. Both of my parents had issues. Dad drank too much and mom has a rather sad history - too much responsibility at a young age and a very hard life in many ways. Were they happy? I don't know. We definitely didn't have the ideal home, but then who does? As for my grandparents, I always thought they were happy but that could be a false perception. My grandfather was a pretty hard guy [old school German] but I believe he was always a hard working man and a good husband. Before my ex and I got married, there were times when she would be talking, or especially when doing her cutesy-pie routine [as I now know it to be], when something about her just didn't ring true. On several occasions I noticed this when she was interacting with my grandmother. It caught my attention, and then I could see that my grandmother was also questioning my ex's sincerity. My gm and I made eye contact and we both knew we were thinking the same thing... "Is she putting on an act or is this for real?". I think in the end we both knew the truth but I couldn't bring myself to see it for what it was. I couldn't believe that the woman I loved was really someone else. And it was just a moment here, a comment there, a look from time to time. It was all too easy for me to ignore, but gm saw it. As for mom, she was always a sucker for flattery, which is a skill my ex had down pat. She would put on the charm and mom fell for it hook line and sinker. Not to say it was all insincere, my ex really did care about my mother and my gm, but mom never saw the hints of the mask... or if she did she never let on. Edited October 19, 2012 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 She never did stop. Our marriage ended. And I would bet $1000 that right now her she's playing a stupid game with the entire world all but tuned out. I watched this happen to one of my closest friends. Only it was porn. It ruined his marriage, his job, his life, our friendship, everything. Once he got into it, he simply could not stop. I'm sorry for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) I appreciate your thoughts but no need to feel sorry for me. I'm happy now. It has definitely helped getting all of this [this and other threads] off of my chest here at LS. I had never gotten into all of this before and I think I needed to tell my story in order to find some closure. I do apologize to anyone I insulted when the emotions came welling up at times. Edited October 21, 2012 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 I appreciate your thoughts but no need to feel sorry for me. I'm happy now. Nice!....... Link to post Share on other sites
Blondishdaisy Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 How were things before she got hooked on games were you both happy an paying attention to each other? Not pointing my finger but this same thing happened to my marriage it seems stupid now we were like two kids fighting for each others attention but at different times...my partner started to spend a lot of time in his den doing " man things " after I had our first child, I would ask him for attention, but nothing, he would sleep out there a lot at night, then years went by an I found yahoo chat and got my attention elsewhere then he started getting ****ty as I was spending all my available time not wit him and well u could see the outcome , we just had no communication and when he was ready to ahow me some attention i didn't want it, I spose in the end we wernt meant be either :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Daniel V. Ross Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Online can can be addictive now. It is really important that we should know on how to manage our time properly to get avoid of this problem. Link to post Share on other sites
pro Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Well, Im a video gamer, and i drink a lot of beer while playing. I even rigged a beer bong, so i can booze and play at the same time. Think of it this way. Some are addicted to sports, and thats all they can talk about. I myself play a lot of video games. Some gamble, some get addicted to hunting, and they'll give up their life for it. My gf is an alcoholic, and is addicted to hanging at her local water hole day after day. I never say a word. She comes home, and we get busy. Then i get back to video games, and she plays to. She even loads my make-shift bong with liquor or beer. She'll grab a controller or the other computer and join in. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 11, 2012 Share Posted November 11, 2012 It wasn't the games though. It was the fact that she checked out of life and put zero effort into your marriage. If she had played lots of mindless games, but still had sex with you every night and took some time regularly to do things with you, the games would not (or should not) have been an issue. It's all about balance. I agree with this, and Robert, I hope you weren't trying to control her...You don't have a right to do that. I've been with controlling men and I'd rather they just go. And they went. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted November 11, 2012 Author Share Posted November 11, 2012 I agree with this, and Robert, I hope you weren't trying to control her...You don't have a right to do that. I've been with controlling men and I'd rather they just go. And they went. Haha, now THAT'S funny! No, I was not the control freak in this relationship. No doubt about that one. She has serious control issues though. That is why she has driven almost eveyone in her life away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Robert Z Posted November 11, 2012 Author Share Posted November 11, 2012 How were things before she got hooked on games were you both happy an paying attention to each other? I thought so, but as I have said, my wife was never really honest with me from the start, so the truth is that I don't know what to think of our entire marriage. In many ways it seems like a complete joke. But we did have good times at first. Link to post Share on other sites
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