I'm pregnant and it's ruining our relationship

[BetheButterfly]

Last month I found out that I was five weeks pregnant. I'm officially at 9 weeks now.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and it's been a wonderful relationship as a whole. There's been ups and downs of course but nothing to ultimately ruin our relationship. Even when he moved away two months ago to a city two hours away, we still worked on our relationship. It's been really hard since though and has put a strain on it, but we never doubt our love and we've been able to make it work with semi-weekly visits, phone calls, and texting.

 

Since finding out that I was pregnant though, our relationship has gone through a lot already. I'm 100% against abortion and he's pro choice and that alone has caused some issues since he has mentioned it a few times. But, what's causing the biggest issues is him wanting to put the child up for adoption - and I don't. I'm 22 and he's 24, and I know it's going to be hell but I want to try to be a family. My boyfriend doesn't though. He's more realistic than I am and he believes that putting it up for adoption is what's best for our unborn child. He thinks this due to financial reasons and due to not knowing if our relationship is strong enough to handle this.

 

To make things even more drama-filled, today we were talking on the phone and he admitted that he can't do both - be a boyfriend and a father. That he feels like he'll screw up on one or the other. So, now he's thinking that breaking up and trying to go through the pregnancy and raise the child is the best choice for us to make - for us and for being parents. I told him how hurt I felt that he'd rather not feel tied to me and not try to work on our love life just so we can have a child. I feel like he's telling me "It's me, or the baby" even though he's trying to reassure me that that's not the point of him saying that. We didn't break up - but it looks like we're heading that way quick.

 

I really don't know what to do. I'm absolutely freaking out. I thought I could depend on this guy to be there for me if this happened (He's told me in the past that if I ever got pregnant, we'd go through it together), but now...I don't know what to think. I can't do this on my own. I can't pay for the doctor visits by myself, and I can't afford to have this baby without him.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. That is why it is so important to have sex with a man who truly has the same convictions as you.

 

My advice is to go to a church or community group that is pro-life and not judgmental and tell them what happened. Ask for help. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. The reason is because people need to help each other!!!

 

If you would like, pm me and I can help you find a place that is not judgmental and can give you support and help. There are people (mainly women) in organizations who care and strive to help other girls/women struggling with if the topics of abortion, adoption, and how to raise a baby without support from family or the father of the baby.

 

As for the decision, if I were in your shoes, I would choose keeping the baby over trying to continue having a relationship with him. Why? Because I don't think there's much of a future with this guy even if you went against your convictions and aborted the baby.

[BetheButterfly]

A baby is not a "companion". A baby is work and worry and responsibility and NOT your companion at all, at least until they become independent which is a lot of years.

 

A baby is a precious human life that needs care since he/she cannot take care of himself/herself. Babies are a 24/7 responsibility, but are worth it, at least, so my Mom tells me. Since she is my Mom and took care of me when I couldn't care for myself, I am grateful she did!!!

 

OP, I don't know where you live, but here are a few organizations that maybe you can find near you...?

 

Pregnancy Counseling « Christian Family Care

 

Pregnancy Counseling | Bethany Christian Services

[Million.to.1]

 

My advice is to go to a church

 

here we go.....

[BetheButterfly]

here we go.....

 

Please quote all if you wish to attack my advice.

 

I wrote, "My advice is to go to a church or community group that is pro-life and not judgmental and tell them what happened. Ask for help. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. The reason is because people need to help each other!!!"

 

Please notice I also said "or community group that is pro-life."

 

Since the OP says that she is against abortion, it only makes sense that she goes to a church or community group that is pro-life for help.

 

Peace

[TaraMaiden]

Most schools in the US are abstinent only.. When I was in HS we had Planned Parenthood talk to us but you had to have your parent sign off and they just talked about birth control methods. In most states it is abstinent only but they can get away with teaching safe sex practices but they have to stress abstinence.

 

Did you attend classes, ever....?

[pink_sugar]

This is exactly why I've been so careful not to get pregnant and I've been married 4 years. (I'm 23) Usually the first year is like a honeymoon phase, but IMO you really need to spend a few years with the person to really get to know them. For example if I was with someone who wasn't pro-choice, that would be a deal breaker for me and vice versa. You are both very young, so although he promised to be there for you, he isn't fully cooked yet. He probably didn't realize the pregnancy would become reality. I know you're not pro-choice, but I would take some serious thought if you cannot afford this baby without your boyfriend. That is not a good reason to stick with someone.

[Helluva]

Thank you all for your responses. I wasn't expecting so many, and so many different opinions so I appreciate it.

 

Just to clarify - we're both in college. I'm graduating next semester, he's graduating in a few years. He was in the military for four years, so if we did decide to get married, it would help us out a lot financially. But - both of us are against the idea of getting married due to the pregnancy and needing financial help.

 

Our families do know and are very supportive. My parents made sure I knew that no matter what decision we make, it's our decision to make, and that they'd be there to support us no matter what. His father not so much (his father left him and his mother when he was a child, another reason why he's afraid to commit and start this life...he's absolutely terrified he'll cheat and end up doing me like his dad did his mother). But his mother is always asking how I'm doing and is constantly giving me pregnancy advice.

 

He has told his friend's and his job about the pregnancy, and when he talks to them, he's very excited, saying "I'm having a boy!" since he's certain he will. I've told three close friends, but I have yet to tell my job - I'm too scared to since I don't want to deal with the criticism yet and they know both of us very well.

 

But - my boyfriend is someone who I know loves me. It's obvious in everything he does. Before he moved away - we spent all the time together, and we were best friends. I thought I could depend on him because we talked about it and he said that out of everyone he's ever been with, he said he'd want me to be the mother of his child over any of them. He said that more than once and we talked about it in more detail - what we would do (I'd move in with him, he may reenlist, graduate school, work full time, etc...) so it wasn't something to just make me feel better...we actually had a plan.

 

My dad told me to give him time to mentally prepare himself for this. Said it will take much longer for him to get ready to take on the role of "father" and to face his responsibilities...but I was NOT expecting this reaction at all. I was expecting some tears...yelling..."what am I going to do??"s, getting his sh*t straight, and then eventually start getting ready to be a family and taking on the role of parent that he pretty much chose when he asked not to use a condom.

 

Part of me feels like doing what a lot of people said - ending things with him and preparing myself to be a single mom, but I don't know if that's really the best thing to do. After all - we still have seven months left of getting ourselves prepared....is it likely that he may change his mind? Not feel so harshly against the pregnancy? He told me no matter what he would never abandon me or the baby...but I just don't know what to believe right now.

 

Today he's been a lot better by the way. Hasn't freaked out at all, and has been more loving and more of the boyfriend I remember. He's coming up tomorrow for our first ultra sound and we're planning on having a picnic afterward and to talk...so we'll see how that goes.

 

Once again, thank you everyone for your responses

[Balzac]

Nice update. Keep in mind...

 

Life is a journey, not a destination.

[Eclypse]

This is certainly not the most ideal of situations to be in, as I'm sure you'd agree. However, it's good that you're working together for a common cause. When I read your OP I got the vibe that your relationship was on a knife's edge.

 

Honestly, I can understand his initial reaction, even if I can't relate personally. To a young man like him, his life must have been turned around when he found out about the pregnancy. It would mean the end of being able to go out whenever he wants to, to uproot and travel as the wind takes him, to spend his paycheck on himself. The sports car he was planning to buy has just been turned into a family SUV. A loss of independence if you will. Personally, I don't think he envisioned a future with you, which is why he reacted "the child, or me". Having a child you do not want with someone you're not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with is one of the worst things imaginable. It is a very bitter pill to swallow.

 

However, he knew the rules of the game. He knew you were against abortion and he still decided to have sex without protection. He probably thought it would never happen. I get the feeling that's a common reason in cases like this. Well, it has and he has to learn to accept it. I would say, based on your last post that he has "woken up and smelled the roses" so to speak. Whether this period of bliss will last is anyone's guess. I hope that he decides to do the right thing and you have a wonderful family with him. Let us know how it goes after the ultrasound and the picnic. This will be a crucial moment, as he will see his child for the first time. Just don't throw everything on him at once: engagement ring, wedding, looking for a house together etc because that will likely make him run. Just take it easy. As morbid as this may sound though, I wouldn't place all my chips on him sticking around. Do you have any back up plans if he should bail? How will you financially support your child and yourself?

 

Good luck.

[Helluva]

Well, I have a few thousand saved up and the only bills I have to currently worry about (since my parents are helping me) is paying off the last $4000 on my car (still have over two years to pay for it, but trying to get it paid off before the baby comes in May), and medical bills that I know are quickly heading my way.

 

I'm a server so I'm make pretty decent money during the off season...$300 -$400 a week, and during the summertime around $1000 or so a week.

 

So, I know that if I can't rely on him financially that I should be able to make it. Though, I don't want to rely on the government for assistance unless I'm pushed into a corner and desperately need it.

 

Basically - my plan is to graduate on time and bust my butt working as much as I can and save as much as I possibly can. Other than that...I have no idea what my future will hold...which is terrifying.

[FitChick]

There is a high rate of miscarriage in the first three months of a pregnancy.

[pink_sugar]

 

Our families do know and are very supportive. My parents made sure I knew that no matter what decision we make, it's our decision to make, and that they'd be there to support us no matter what. His father not so much (his father left him and his mother when he was a child, another reason why he's afraid to commit and start this life...he's absolutely terrified he'll cheat and end up doing me like his dad did his mother). But his mother is always asking how I'm doing and is constantly giving me pregnancy advice.

 

That's good to know. I think this is primarily the main reason I've been almost fanatical not to have kids. My dad would have killed me and my boyfriend. However, I learned only recently my mom would have condoned it if it happened to me young, but I'm glad she never told me that until now. I lived with my dad a good chunk of my later life and he made it very clear it was unacceptable to have kids until after college and I was financially and emotionally ready.

 

Your boyfriend asked not to use a condom and you agreed? In this case he is absolutely just as responsible as you are. It's really amazing how many people can think it won't happen to them even if they do it just once.

[BetheButterfly]

Thank you all for your responses. I wasn't expecting so many, and so many different opinions so I appreciate it.

 

Just to clarify - we're both in college. I'm graduating next semester, he's graduating in a few years. He was in the military for four years, so if we did decide to get married, it would help us out a lot financially. But - both of us are against the idea of getting married due to the pregnancy and needing financial help.

 

Our families do know and are very supportive. My parents made sure I knew that no matter what decision we make, it's our decision to make, and that they'd be there to support us no matter what. His father not so much (his father left him and his mother when he was a child, another reason why he's afraid to commit and start this life...he's absolutely terrified he'll cheat and end up doing me like his dad did his mother). But his mother is always asking how I'm doing and is constantly giving me pregnancy advice.

 

He has told his friend's and his job about the pregnancy, and when he talks to them, he's very excited, saying "I'm having a boy!" since he's certain he will. I've told three close friends, but I have yet to tell my job - I'm too scared to since I don't want to deal with the criticism yet and they know both of us very well.

 

But - my boyfriend is someone who I know loves me. It's obvious in everything he does. Before he moved away - we spent all the time together, and we were best friends. I thought I could depend on him because we talked about it and he said that out of everyone he's ever been with, he said he'd want me to be the mother of his child over any of them. He said that more than once and we talked about it in more detail - what we would do (I'd move in with him, he may reenlist, graduate school, work full time, etc...) so it wasn't something to just make me feel better...we actually had a plan.

 

My dad told me to give him time to mentally prepare himself for this. Said it will take much longer for him to get ready to take on the role of "father" and to face his responsibilities...but I was NOT expecting this reaction at all. I was expecting some tears...yelling..."what am I going to do??"s, getting his sh*t straight, and then eventually start getting ready to be a family and taking on the role of parent that he pretty much chose when he asked not to use a condom.

 

Part of me feels like doing what a lot of people said - ending things with him and preparing myself to be a single mom, but I don't know if that's really the best thing to do. After all - we still have seven months left of getting ourselves prepared....is it likely that he may change his mind? Not feel so harshly against the pregnancy? He told me no matter what he would never abandon me or the baby...but I just don't know what to believe right now.

 

Today he's been a lot better by the way. Hasn't freaked out at all, and has been more loving and more of the boyfriend I remember. He's coming up tomorrow for our first ultra sound and we're planning on having a picnic afterward and to talk...so we'll see how that goes.

 

Once again, thank you everyone for your responses

 

I am so glad that you have your family's support!!! That is awesome!!!

 

I am also glad that your bodyfriend has been a lot better. That is so exciting about your first ultra sound!!! I hope y'all have a beautiful, precious time together and the talk goes well at the picnic!!!

[BetheButterfly]

Well, I have a few thousand saved up and the only bills I have to currently worry about (since my parents are helping me) is paying off the last $4000 on my car (still have over two years to pay for it, but trying to get it paid off before the baby comes in May), and medical bills that I know are quickly heading my way.

 

I'm a server so I'm make pretty decent money during the off season...$300 -$400 a week, and during the summertime around $1000 or so a week.

 

So, I know that if I can't rely on him financially that I should be able to make it. Though, I don't want to rely on the government for assistance unless I'm pushed into a corner and desperately need it.

 

Basically - my plan is to graduate on time and bust my butt working as much as I can and save as much as I possibly can. Other than that...I have no idea what my future will hold...which is terrifying.

 

Don't be ashamed to ask for help. People need each other. There are organizations that strive to help single moms, which is awesome!

[irin]

if a man ever told me or the child. i would seriously kick him to the curb. he doesnt deserve to be a father. just raise your child on your own, im sure you'll do great.

[Helluva]

We went in for the ultrasound today, and got the bad news that the baby's heart has recently stopped beating. My boyfriend and I are in shock right now and even though neither of us wanted to be parents and weren't ready for this, it feels like we lost a part of our family even though it was only two months into the pregnancy.

 

My boyfriend is beating himself up saying it's his fault for having the thoughts he had and for wishing things to go back to the way they were. He wont listen to reason that this was natural and that no matter how hard he wished, it had nothing to do with it. He told me that he didn't want the baby, but at the same time he did...there was a part of him that was excited, looking up baby names, and baby stuff and that part of him is in a lot of pain right now. He even posted a status saying rip to our unborn child.

 

I'm also not doing well and wondering what I did wrong - but I'm trying not to blame myself. It's just hurting, seeing all the pregnant women and kids all around me and no longer having the excitement of soon becoming a new mom. When the time's right though...then I know we will become parents. Hopefully together. We've grown closer through this, and I hope that we grow even closer after we get through this.

 

But thank you all once again. This has been the hardest month we've ever had to endure, me becoming pregnant and suddenly losing the baby, but I know we'll be okay in the long run.

[SmileFace]

All the best.

I am sorry for your lost. You both will get thru this.

 

Sending good thoughts your way.

[FitChick]

I've been so psychic lately that it almost scares me. I need to sit down with a lottery form...

[missgangrene]

We went in for the ultrasound today, and got the bad news that the baby's heart has recently stopped beating. My boyfriend and I are in shock right now and even though neither of us wanted to be parents and weren't ready for this, it feels like we lost a part of our family even though it was only two months into the pregnancy.

 

My boyfriend is beating himself up saying it's his fault for having the thoughts he had and for wishing things to go back to the way they were. He wont listen to reason that this was natural and that no matter how hard he wished, it had nothing to do with it. He told me that he didn't want the baby, but at the same time he did...there was a part of him that was excited, looking up baby names, and baby stuff and that part of him is in a lot of pain right now. He even posted a status saying rip to our unborn child.

 

I'm also not doing well and wondering what I did wrong - but I'm trying not to blame myself. It's just hurting, seeing all the pregnant women and kids all around me and no longer having the excitement of soon becoming a new mom. When the time's right though...then I know we will become parents. Hopefully together. We've grown closer through this, and I hope that we grow even closer after we get through this.

 

But thank you all once again. This has been the hardest month we've ever had to endure, me becoming pregnant and suddenly losing the baby, but I know we'll be okay in the long run.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

[pink_sugar]

So sorry to hear about your loss. You have a right to feel this way, but unfortunately this is quite common as 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage as FitChick says. You will become a mom again when the time is right. Just be sure to use extra caution until you are certain you are ready.

[TaraMaiden]

We went in for the ultrasound today, and got the bad news that the baby's heart has recently stopped beating. My boyfriend and I are in shock right now and even though neither of us wanted to be parents and weren't ready for this, it feels like we lost a part of our family even though it was only two months into the pregnancy.

 

My boyfriend is beating himself up saying it's his fault for having the thoughts he had and for wishing things to go back to the way they were. He wont listen to reason that this was natural and that no matter how hard he wished, it had nothing to do with it. He told me that he didn't want the baby, but at the same time he did...there was a part of him that was excited, looking up baby names, and baby stuff and that part of him is in a lot of pain right now. He even posted a status saying rip to our unborn child.

 

I'm also not doing well and wondering what I did wrong - but I'm trying not to blame myself. It's just hurting, seeing all the pregnant women and kids all around me and no longer having the excitement of soon becoming a new mom. When the time's right though...then I know we will become parents. Hopefully together. We've grown closer through this, and I hope that we grow even closer after we get through this.

 

But thank you all once again. This has been the hardest month we've ever had to endure, me becoming pregnant and suddenly losing the baby, but I know we'll be okay in the long run.

 

Consider bereavement counselling if he's very badly hit....seriously.

I'm very sorry for the way things turned out.... My very best to you both.

[yessy21]

sorry for your loss hun, i guess that it wasnt time.

[BetheButterfly]

We went in for the ultrasound today, and got the bad news that the baby's heart has recently stopped beating. My boyfriend and I are in shock right now and even though neither of us wanted to be parents and weren't ready for this, it feels like we lost a part of our family even though it was only two months into the pregnancy.

 

My boyfriend is beating himself up saying it's his fault for having the thoughts he had and for wishing things to go back to the way they were. He wont listen to reason that this was natural and that no matter how hard he wished, it had nothing to do with it. He told me that he didn't want the baby, but at the same time he did...there was a part of him that was excited, looking up baby names, and baby stuff and that part of him is in a lot of pain right now. He even posted a status saying rip to our unborn child.

 

I'm also not doing well and wondering what I did wrong - but I'm trying not to blame myself. It's just hurting, seeing all the pregnant women and kids all around me and no longer having the excitement of soon becoming a new mom. When the time's right though...then I know we will become parents. Hopefully together. We've grown closer through this, and I hope that we grow even closer after we get through this.

 

But thank you all once again. This has been the hardest month we've ever had to endure, me becoming pregnant and suddenly losing the baby, but I know we'll be okay in the long run.

 

I am so sorry to read that. I know how painful that is, due to my sister (with 5 kids) miscarrying 2 times and grieving each time, along with her husband. It is ok to grieve; that's a part of the healing process. You are right; it is not his fault nor your fault. This just happens sometimes.

 

Hugs