I'm pregnant and it's ruining our relationship

[venusianx13]

I'll tell you my story, OP, as briefly as I can, as it sounds very similar to yours. Hopefully you'll gain some insight from it.

 

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant with my son, my boyfriend was 24. I conceived during a time when things were going downhill in our relationship. I was very, very afraid, felt very alone, and had a difficult pregnancy. It was very emotionally trying... coming from a traditional, conservative Catholic family, no one took the news very well. I was ashamed. However, despite my ex's and his mother's pleas for me to "get rid of" the baby somehow, I stood adamant that I would have this baby, with our without their help or approval. My family finally stepped in after the initial shock wore off, and became much more supportive. Foolishly, I wanted to get married to my son's dad, because of the harsh judgment I thought I'd be receiving from the rest of the family and others... my boyfriend wouldn't have it. Despite knowing in my heart that the relationship wouldn't last, though, I wanted to make things work for our child. I pressed him, he resisted. The first few months of the pregnancy were very, very rough.

 

About 6 months into the pregnancy, he suddenly became excited at the idea of becoming a father. His family warmed up to it, too. He proposed to me on Christmas Eve, I accepted. However, at that point, my feelings toward him had soured because of all of the heartache and his lack of support, and so I wanted to see what what time had in store for us. Time revealed that he made a very unsupportive partner and a relatively disinterested father. After I had our son, he forced me to move in with him. I didn't want to. He was also trying to make wedding plans, while I (in my heart and mind, at least) was looking for a way out. I finally left one day, when my son was about 5 months old. I just packed my things, took the baby, and went home to stay with my parents. I began working full time again, and his dad saw him part of the time... it wasn't ideal, but I was able to get back on my feet and be independent. I never did receive government assistance. It took a little while, but things gradually stabilized for me and my son.

 

Despite having such an awful experience those 7+ years ago, I do not regret having my son. The relationship with his father was not meant to last, and that was clear prior to the pregnancy. However, my relationship with my son is meant to last, and I strive to do well by him each and every day. It IS difficult, I can't paint a pretty picture of being a single mom. Your life is going to take on new meaning, and you are going to need the help of family. As for your boyfriend, don't stress yourself with trying to change his mind or to get him to be more supportive. If he does have a change of heart, it will be in his own time, and I think some emotional distance from him in response to his lack of commitment is the healthiest thing for you right now. You cannot control another person's behavior, and trying to do so will only cause more friction in your already suffering relationship (and more unnecessary stress for you). Time is very revealing. Be patient, but be prepared to do this solo. Best of luck to you.

[Sanman]

A baby is a lot of work and a lot of responsibility. A baby is also a companion; tell any single mother that it's not her and her baby against the world and see what kind of response you get.

 

 

It really scares me when women see their children as a companion. They are not. A companion or partner's job is to be a shoulder to lean on and help you emotionally during stressful times. A child's job should not be help take on the stresses of the parent. The child's job is to be a child. Also, they are not a lifetime companion. A healthy relationship allows the child to grow up and move away to start his/her own family. Leaving a child with such a burden is quite selfish, IMO.

 

OP, good luck to you and whatever you decide please find support for yourself in family, friends, or wherever you can. Pregnancy is not something to go through alone.

[Imajerk17]

I gotta ask this question: Didnt the two of you use birth control??

[yongyong]

hm maybe you can sign up on POF and look for a new daddy?

I actually saw a pregnant woman on there. I also saw a woman with a new born baby.

 

Anyways, if you decide to keep it, that baby will never grow like a baby from a normal couple. (married first and decided to have a kid by planning)

 

If you were my sister, I would drag her to get an abortion just IMO

[KraftDinner]

Once they're through school and settled I'm heading to tropical climates and will live in a condo. At least that's the plan.

 

It really scares me when women see their children as a companion. They are not. A companion or partner's job is to be a shoulder to lean on and help you emotionally during stressful times. A child's job should not be help take on the stresses of the parent. The child's job is to be a child. Also, they are not a lifetime companion. A healthy relationship allows the child to grow up and move away to start his/her own family. Leaving a child with such a burden is quite selfish, IMO.

 

OP, good luck to you and whatever you decide please find support for yourself in family, friends, or wherever you can. Pregnancy is not something to go through alone.

 

Exactly. A child should not have to help fill a void in a parent's life. So unfair.

[TaraMaiden]

If you were my sister, I would drag her to get an abortion just IMO

 

What if she doesn't want an abortion?

What the hell gives you the right to force that decision on her?

Who the hell do you think you are, thinking that you have the right to make that choice?

 

If you were my brother and tried to do that, you'd find yourself in ER nursing a cracked cranium courtesy of a heavy skillet.

 

If I then had an abortion - that would be my decision, not yours.

 

Loser.

[yongyong]

I said 'if she was my Sister'. it's none of your f-ing family business.

 

If she can do everything on her own and will be happy, then maybe I would leave her alone

 

But what are the chances she will ask help to my mom?

what are the chances she will complain about her life? (she can't live no longer like an average single girl)

what are the chances she will be used by a lot of guys (who wants to marry a single mom in the beginning) till she finds a husband

what are the chances her kid will grow just fine without a dad

what are the chances she won't be judged by others? (oh his dad? he ran away when I got pregnant)

I can just see those things happening in the future and I should let her do that?

 

I mean it is Possible that she can do everything on her own and her kid will grow just fine. but how easy would that be compared to a normal couple?

 

Again, I was talking about my sister.

If you feel bad for women in this situation as a feminist, go volunteer for babysitting so they can go out and meet guys.

 

 

 

 

What if she doesn't want an abortion?

What the hell gives you the right to force that decision on her?

Who the hell do you think you are, thinking that you have the right to make that choice?

 

If you were my brother and tried to do that, you'd find yourself in ER nursing a cracked cranium courtesy of a heavy skillet.

 

If I then had an abortion - that would be my decision, not yours.

 

Loser.

[TaraMaiden]

I said 'if she was my Sister'. it's none of your f-ing family business.

 

If she can do everything on her own and will be happy, then maybe I would leave her alone

 

But what are the chances she will ask help to my mom?

what are the chances she will complain about her life? (she can't live no longer like an average single girl)

what are the chances she will be used by a lot of guys (who wants to marry a single mom in the beginning) till she finds a husband

what are the chances her kid will grow just fine without a dad

what are the chances she won't be judged by others? (oh his dad? he ran away when I got pregnant)

I can just see those things happening in the future and I should let her do that?

 

I mean it is Possible that she can do everything on her own and her kid will grow just fine. but how easy would that be compared to a normal couple?

 

Again, I was talking about my sister.

If you feel bad for women in this situation as a feminist, go volunteer for babysitting so they can go out and meet guys.

 

 

Yeah, what are the chances?

You know what?

That's not your problem.

 

There are literally millions of women bringing up children on their own, thanks to absent fathers. For whatever reasons.

Some of these women are academically brilliant and professionally successful. Sure they have a support network - and why should that not be the case? Society is still heavily prejudiced about women who are mothers AND who work.... So why not gain assistance where assistance is available?

Remember what they say: It takes a village to raise a child.....

 

it's so much easier for men to bail, than women.

Why punish the woman for what might possibly be the man's greater fault?

Go after the idiot who made her pregnant, and make him face his responsibilities!

 

My single point is - that it's not up to you to decide what any young woman - even if she IS your sister - does with the fact that she's pregnant.

 

You couldn't force your sister into an abortion if that's not what she wanted, that's not your right. It's pressure and coercion you have no legal right to apply.

 

You can't assume that right simply because you feel indignant and are applying hitherto imaginary problems.

 

If your sister were pregnant, I'd rather hope you would extend the listening ear she might need, rather than the brutal judgement she may grow to resent you for....

[ascendotum]

i had an abortion. i was like your boyfriend ..pro choice, pratical and scared ****. whatever you do .. i think babies are angles sent from God. I regret not keeping my baby .. a lot..

But my ex ended up cheating on me with my bestfriend so.. its hard to tell if it was a bad choice .. but now im pretty suicidle ..no matter what my ex did..my baby would have brought joy to me, im sure of it.. now..

you want the baby. you keep your baby.. family or no family...

 

Sometimes it takes actually seeing the baby to really affect the guy.. sometimes not..so be prepared.

 

But sometimes yes..

 

I am sorry that you are still very depressed and your bf was a shytehead to you, but now wishing you had a baby as a remedy to help you not feel so depressed over your life as it temporarily at this moment, is so wrong imo. You can have another baby, its not a one shot deal. For the sake of your little angel (and other taxpayers), you are better off bringing up your children in a loving stable home with a father/husband, and you should have plenty of options for this in the future. Having a baby to fill a temporary void in your life or for companionship as someone else described should not be the motivation for bringing another mouth to feed into this world.

[CarboniteCammy]

Whatever you do, make a decision that you won't regret for the rest of your life, no matter which direction you go. I'd say go to a counselor and weigh your options logically, and do plan on being a single mom.

 

There are lots of programs out there for people in your situation.

 

For me personally, I'd give birth to my son every day all over again, because being a mom has just been amazing for me. But, I'm also not a single mom and I have a good job with benefits.

[TaraMaiden]

I am sorry that you are still very depressed and your bf was a shytehead to you, but now wishing you had a baby as a remedy to help you not feel so depressed over your life as it temporarily at this moment, is so wrong imo.

 

True

 

You can have another baby, its not a one shot deal.

 

False

 

For the sake of your little angel (and other taxpayers), you are better off bringing up your children in a loving stable home with a father/husband,

 

False

 

and you should have plenty of options for this in the future. Having a baby to fill a temporary void in your life or for companionship as someone else described should not be the motivation for bringing another mouth to feed into this world.

 

True

[grkBoy]

I think the easiest way to see where he sits is to offer him a 100% "out". Ask him if he had the chance to walk away 100% where he won't be your boyfriend anymore, but also would not be the baby's father and have no responsibility for this child in any way shape or form...would he take it?

 

If he says "yes" or something like that...then you know where this is going. He's going to eventually push himself away from this to the point you'll be fighting him constantly for child support and/or him to "spend time with your child".

 

Right now, I give you credit for your beliefs, but you're trying to push him into a life he's not ready for. I've seen women do this before and it ends up the same way...a big fight and breakup, then she's struggling for the rest of her life as a single mom.

 

I've seen where she can't afford to move out on her own, she gets flack from her family because they see her as a failure, and even in dating she has a rough time as many guys veer away from getting serious because of the child.

 

She might fight and fight to get child support...but some guys get clever and financially hide their money through sneaky means. Others simply never make enough money to be a real help. She'll push him to take the child for a weekend, and find out he's dumped the kid on his mom or aunt while he's out with the fellas or a new girl.

 

Yeah...this sounds horrible, but I've seen this play out about five times with women I've known.

 

SO...first get him locked down on where he's standing. If he had the chance to "escape" and will take it, then you know he's never going to become the husband/father you wish he would be.

 

THEN...talk to your own family. Ask them for advice. If you're too scared to talk to them or feel you know they'll push you to abort or put the child up for adoption, then you might want to consider it.

 

FINALLY...think LONG TERM. I've seen too many single moms think they can handle it or they don't care what comes because they have love. These women have a very hard time trying to find a job because of how much employers are unsympathetic to parents in general. These women go on public aid and live in poverty. Are you ready/willing to do that?

 

 

I'm sorry to sound harsh, and I know many will proclaim the boyfriend should be forced to take responsibility...but I live in the real world. I knew of one girl where the boyfriend moved to Canada and took a job there really to escape responsibility. Another whom the now ex-husband has his own business and sets his pay very low so the courts can't take much from him...then slickly pulls money out of the company in other ways. The rest were guys who run and the mom spends months or years fighting for help.

 

You have to think long term and do what's not only best for you but for your baby.

[yongyong]

You must be a single mom or came from a single mom.

 

why don't you tell her the real experience she would have to go through?

(social life, going to school, financials, dating etc)

 

If you really care, why don't you get her paypal and show some support?

 

I know you don't give a damn about her. you are just saying this to defend yourself.

 

 

Yeah, what are the chances?

You know what?

That's not your problem.

 

There are literally millions of women bringing up children on their own, thanks to absent fathers. For whatever reasons.

Some of these women are academically brilliant and professionally successful. Sure they have a support network - and why should that not be the case? Society is still heavily prejudiced about women who are mothers AND who work.... So why not gain assistance where assistance is available?

Remember what they say: It takes a village to raise a child.....

 

it's so much easier for men to bail, than women.

Why punish the woman for what might possibly be the man's greater fault?

Go after the idiot who made her pregnant, and make him face his responsibilities!

 

My single point is - that it's not up to you to decide what any young woman - even if she IS your sister - does with the fact that she's pregnant.

 

You couldn't force your sister into an abortion if that's not what she wanted, that's not your right. It's pressure and coercion you have no legal right to apply.

 

You can't assume that right simply because you feel indignant and are applying hitherto imaginary problems.

 

If your sister were pregnant, I'd rather hope you would extend the listening ear she might need, rather than the brutal judgement she may grow to resent you for....

[TaraMaiden]

You must be a single mom or came from a single mom.[/quoteIncorrect on both counts....

 

why don't you tell her the real experience she would have to go through?

(social life, going to school, financials, dating etc)

I used to be a pro-active School paent governor. About 40% of mothers had no partners....

 

If you really care, why don't you get her paypal and show some support?

Why not use proper argument instead of using puerile comments which don't actually add anything to the discussion? When people clutch at straws like this, i know they're defending the indefensible....

 

I know you don't give a damn about her. you are just saying this to defend yourself.

I was talking about your hypothetical sister and your boorish attitude.

[Balzac]

It's not to be believed as random acts, that's certain.

You'd think guys would be wiser.

[Els]

I feel terribly sad whenever I read stuff like this. He clearly was just telling you what he wanted you to hear (about pregnancy) because he wanted to have sex with you, and everything that he said ("we'll go through it together!") means absolutely zilch to him right now. This is why I feel people should not be having sex until and unless they are absolutely certain that they are on the same page in terms of pregnancy and abortion, and have had in-depth and honest discussions about what exactly they plan to do should a baby come about. Otherwise... this happens.

 

I don't mean to lecture you, as the proverbial milk is already spilt, but I hope that you will take this lesson very much to heart for the future. As for now... I think you should make your decisions with the assumption that you will not be able to depend on him for anything. Financially, you can file for child support and pull through in that manner. But as for everything else - emotional support, assistance in bringing up the child, a husband... do not expect anything. With such assumptions in mind, then ask yourself, "Can I bring this child up in the manner he/she deserves to? Is there anyone else whom I can count on to help me?" If the answer is 'no' on both accounts, I know you are absolutely against abortion but I would sincerely advise you to consider it if there are no other options.

[Million.to.1]

i wonder if the OP will ever reappear on this thread or will she be another 1 post wonder?

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah... we get a lot of those...

[Balzac]

" I feel people should not be having sex until and unless they are absolutely certain that they are on the same page in terms of pregnancy and abortion, and have had in-depth and honest discussions about what exactly they plan to do should a baby come about"

 

Ya know in theory I am in agreement. I'm a guy, I get no standing in such decisions. Having a woman express her feelings prior to pregnancy and holding her to that decision is not practical nor legally possible. This despite in depth discussion, vehemence of decision, men are absent power of decision. We assume the risk of contraceptive failure or we forego sex.

 

One can argue lots of post pregnancy issues but the facts are clearly known prior to coitus.

 

In no way am I implying that women have an easier time of it.

[TaraMaiden]

It revolts me that there isn't better, punchier more graphic and tell-it-like-it-is information for the young, on the real, harsh realities of having children and being a parent....

 

I've pointed this out before...

 

Wanting to adopt an animal is a long-winded, convoluted affair which means filling out a detailed questionnaire, recording your working hours, abode, suitability of having an animal, family situation, and general justification for having that particular pet - it can even involve home visits, and certainly the responsibility of day-to-day care and affection...

 

If you want to adopt a child, the hoops get bigger, more numerous and extremely challenging.. ultimately, your lives are scrutinised, put under the microscope and you're stripped to bare bones in order to be able to prove you can do this....

 

If you become pregnant, it's "Oh my, when is it due? Boy or girl?!?"

[Balzac]

NO disagreement Tara but the facts are known. I believe these people do not seek the facts. Just my observation. Average income, cost to raise a child, cost of living are all easily known facts.

 

They tend to not seek knowledge of fact regarding contraceptives. They lack a basic understanding of statistics and they ask few questions.

It is sadly astounding. I'm in USA and I often remind myself that these same folks, vote and serve on juries. Rather scary.

[TaraMaiden]

Hmmmm... I'm not sure 'the facts' are known. I'm wondering to what extent sexual education goes in schools, whether kids are taught familial responsibilities, how to budget their salaries, how to cope with raising children and how much it costs.... even so, when a young buck and a young filly are busy getting it together, and respective hormones are raging - would they stop and think anyway??

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Hmmmm... I'm not sure 'the facts' are known. I'm wondering to what extent sexual education goes in schools, whether kids are taught familial responsibilities, how to budget their salaries, how to cope with raising children and how much it costs.... even so, when a young buck and a young filly are busy getting it together, and respective hormones are raging - would they stop and think anyway??

 

Most schools in the US are abstinent only.. When I was in HS we had Planned Parenthood talk to us but you had to have your parent sign off and they just talked about birth control methods. In most states it is abstinent only but they can get away with teaching safe sex practices but they have to stress abstinence.

[Balzac]

All valid points. Public schools are often not a working resource, particularly of the suburban ilk. Parents often do little to no education. It's confounding.

 

As to the natural biological sex drive, the thinking, by necessity comes prior to the moment of acting!

[yessy21]

DO yourself, that child and him a favor. dump him. He is not owning to his responsabilities and that shows you what type of person he is. its going to hurt like hell if you have the baby and he meets someone else and knocks her up adn actually stays with her. it just means that he is not that serious with you. im telling you i smell a disaster here.

 

i said the same thing about abortions but, you know what... why would you bring that baby into the world to suffer. he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with that baby and he just doesnt see you as his wife. He clearly isnt that into you. sorry. you will bring a child into a hard world, he will be secretly hated by his father, you will be broke and alone with a child. this is no bueno.