Stringfellow Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but she was the one who treated me poorly, she purposly hurt me when i asked her to marry me and she accepted and then 2 days later came back to say no, and she said the reason she said yes was to make me feel good/better while she was away on business, please! Then 1 month later said I love you but I only want to see you on weekends, is that love? Plus she NEVER took the time to get to know my girls, not once in the 7 months while we dated did she ever sit down with them and really talk to them. We come as a package and she did not want none of us I guess. Does that sound like love to you? Link to post Share on other sites
drinana Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 Hey guys... I have to say that no contact is the way to go... My ex-fiance and I broke up about almost 3 weeks ago... I haven't spoken to him since.. It was hard the first week, I was worried about him and wanted to make sure he was ok (hello! what about me!!).. But now I feel completely different.. I have this huge amount of relief knowing that I no longer have to wonder where we stand, that I no longer have to concern myself with always making him happy, and that I don't have to let him hurt me anymore.. Our relationship was LD and I think that may be why this is easier for me.. I know that it would be harder if that person was in my life all the time.. Having no contact has really given me a chance to see our relationship for what it truly was.. My ex was selfish, manipulative, immature, a coward, etc, etc, etc.. Things I never saw or just never wanted to see.. At this point I'm not ready to jump into anything serious with anyone else and I actually don't even care if I don't date for a while.. I love only worrying about me, I have started jogging, taking yoga classes, hanging out with old friends, making new friends, etc.. There is really nothing anyone else can say to make you guys feel better, to actually make you truly belive that in time you WILL be ok.. I just wish you all the best.. Don't let someone who has hurt you continue to hurt you.. They had their chance.. Time for you to move on and enjoy the rest of your life!!!!! "There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.....that will be the beginning." - Louis L'Amour Link to post Share on other sites
Stringfellow Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 Every one has said that I am better off, that the way she treated me was wrong and some say even abusive, I cant say that but i can say this, she hurt me and it bothers me that I did not see the red flags or that I did see them but thought I could fix them, I tried, I wanted to get us into counseling but she would not go. I did what I could do, didn't I? Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 everything you wrote is me!!! My ex is hurtful and a coward and selfish and manipulative. I want to do this no contact thing and I need to know that things will get better. We are also LD and really all he was was a call. It is still hard. I loved him so much! thanks for your post Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 you said you no longer feellike an idiot anymore....can you help me let go..any words of wisdom??? I feel like I may day....I do not know how to stop obsessing over him and wanting to call. He is ignoring me as he goes thru his divorce and child custody...he will not even talk to me!!!! I hope to God this gets better. What do you do to stop wanting to call? Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 I know this post has been up for months, but I just read it and found it to be incredibly insightful. This should be laminated and kept for all to see. This is true, fundamental wisdom at its finest. Link to post Share on other sites
Stringfellow Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 What do you mean by this? Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 Originally posted by Stringfellow What do you mean by this? The thoughts presented in the original post are logical, coherent, and inspirational. What's outlined there is a concisely written conglomerate of so many other threads on this site. I just thought it was really good and wanted to commend it. Link to post Share on other sites
Stringfellow Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 I am not as strong as I would like to be, I still love my X and wish she would come to her senses. I treated her like a lady and only became insucure when she would do things to make me feel that way. She is dating a couple of guys and I have nobody. Will someone PLEASE tell me what I have done wrong, PLEASE. String Link to post Share on other sites
goonage Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 The original post was excellent. I'm a dumpee, going through the no-contact situation. No contact IS my friend. I was talking to her friend via e-mail and msn a few times...i've put an end to that too, because it felt like I was still talking to her. I'm approaching 3 weeks without a peep from her, or from me to her. Also my feelings about her are starting to change. From total desperation and helplessness, to anger. Yeah - anger. I'm angry what happened, and how I was played for a fool so much. But hey, that's what love does right? I couldn't see any faults whatsoever in her. She wouldn't socialise with my friends for god's sake! And I have a great bunch of decent friends. Screw that. I'm imagining that my anger toward her is a part of the healing process for me. It's not all anger - there's still a bit of me that has feelings for her, but at the moment, it feels a lot better to not like her. I was in a relationship approaching 3 years in duration, and now that I'm out I'm eager to meet new people. I'm not looking for a clone of my ex. I think a lot of people try and find ex-girlfriend replacements. Not me, not this time. I'd never say (and have never) or do anything bad to my ex if I met her again, but am I a bad person for (in my head) calling her a bitch, and telling myself that I hate her? I don't know if I actually do or not. I just feel really angry. I don't care what she's doing or who she is with. I said I'd never hate her when we broke up. Hmm, I'm beginning to doubt that now. Link to post Share on other sites
Stringfellow Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 As Christians are we to hate the person who broke up with us, if we look in the Bible it says that if we truely love a person: This means that real love does not retaliate in kind, or seek to get even. It does not embrace bitterness, but patiently loves--even when experiencing serious heartache. Now I am not a saint, especially after all I have been through with my X and I think deep down all of us "dumpees" know that if we really loved or love our X we cnnot hate them. We must love our enemy, even if it is hurting us, becasuse if we think of the pain and touture that Christ went though for us and yet he loved all of us. So I guess what I am saying is that yes I am hurting becasue of what happened but I can never hate my X becasue I know that in order to get to heaven we must still love! Link to post Share on other sites
goonage Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 To be honest mate, for me, Christ and what he did has nothing to do with this break up. I'm not an especially religious person, and in this year that's nearly finished, with things that happened in my life, my friends and families life, I see no God. That's just me. I wish I did, but I do not. In fact your post is the first time I even considered God in this whole situation! Anyway, I'm not trying to be mean about your post...it's just not on my wavelength that's all. I know deep down I can never hate the girl. I'm just angry, and with time that will dissappear...I'm certain of it. Though I'm not holding out any hope that I'll ever get back with her again, nor for that matter that I'll see her again. It's a crap life at times isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Stringfellow Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 I was not implying that God made your situation happen, all I was saying is that even though you are not with whom you want to be at this point in your life, just keep the faith that something good will happen to you. Like I have so much room to talk, it has been over 2 months now and I still catch tears comming from my eyes becasue I am still in love with her, and dont ask me why, if you have read my posts you will see that I was **** on several times. Link to post Share on other sites
goonage Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 Fair enough man, I'm not out to have a go at anyone. I've read a few of your posts, and yes, you're right you have had a crap time. I'm sure that in time your life will take a turn for the better. Unfortunately this process is so damn painful. I didn't propose to my ex, but I was thinking about doing it in the future. I imagined a happy life together. Then again, she was one of these "i don't want to get married" types. Her parents detest each other but are together for the sake of it. That's made my ex insecure about marriage. My family on the other hand has the exact opposite opinions towards marriage. My mum and dad have been married nearly 30 years and they're clearly still in love, so that fills me with faith. Yes that annoys me now that I think of it. I would love to be married to someone...i guess she just didn't want to go down that route. F**k her anyway, it's her loss! I'm being harsh on her. She was probably too young when we met. I am only 3 weeks in to my break up, and at times I'm still all over the place. But I know I'll get over it. I'm still young and there are plenty of nice girls...it's just finding that nice girl that's the hard bit I am getting over it. I'm far more concerned with getting my career sorted out than thinking about the past. I don't think I'm in love with my ex any more. I nearly want her to know that, but I'll never tell her. I've resigned myself to thinking there is nothing else can be done between us, and that our lives will go on. I wish her the best, but I don't want to know what chump she does end up marrying. Focus on the good things in life. I still remember the good times I had with my ex. Nothing will ever change that. Just because I'm miffed with her now doesn't mean I instantly disregard our past, like It meant nothing. Anyway sorry, I'm rambling. I'm going to go to the pub tonight...maybe I'll get lucky Doubtful as I'm living in the country at the moment but you never know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author miggsbucks Posted December 3, 2004 Author Share Posted December 3, 2004 Originally posted by iceisles I know this post has been up for months, but I just read it and found it to be incredibly insightful. This should be laminated and kept for all to see. This is true, fundamental wisdom at its finest. wow cheers iceisles! then string says this !! Originally posted by Stringfellow What do you mean by this? and u tell string this.. Originally posted by iceisles The thoughts presented in the original post are logical, coherent, and inspirational. What's outlined there is a concisely written conglomerate of so many other threads on this site. I just thought it was really good and wanted to commend it. and thanks for this, also goonage Originally posted by goonage The original post was excellent. Cheers string!! wouldnt mind but i spent an hour one night writing you a reply:- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=283129#post283129 and then you go doing stupid things like this:- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=332804#post332804 I am over my ex now, and have moved on. There's been a semi-serious one since her, and that helped the process. This has taught me to never ever again, be wrapped up by one person. Somebody esle will walk into your life, but only if youre prepared to let that happen. People, please release yourselves and let this happen. I've recently entered into contact with the person my heart was aching over in my original post. BUT... I do not expect anything at all other than friendship from her now. That is how healthy we can all be.. learn from our past, not live in it.. move on and lifelong friendships can form. Link to post Share on other sites
Stringfellow Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 You are right, that was stupid, I am moving forward! Link to post Share on other sites
statsgirl Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 any advice for when you are a dumpee who has to work with your ex? Dumped after 5 years. I have made a fool of myself and begged and pleaded. It's been two months now. Because I have to work with him, I can't do no contact, so the pain is lingering longer than it would if I had the opportunity to have no contact. This is tearing me apart, especially because, although he says it is time to move on, he also says that seeing each other eventually is not out of the question. But, he is seeing a girl long distance who doesn't know about me. He says they are just "friends", she is noone special, and the break up has nothing to do with her. But he will see her over the holidays, and he will have her come here to visit him. I am isolated here where I live. I am a single mom, and he was the only company I had. I was happy with that until I had to face this isolation after the break up. That is partly why it is so hard for me to let go, along with the fact that I loved him with all my heart. Any advice, please!!!! Can anyone understand this torment????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Stringfellow Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 While I not in your shoes and can't understand the pain you are in I can tell you this. If you love yourself at all you need to make a decision. Either let him go and move forward with your life, knowing that you will see him daily at work. Or, find another job and then you won't be in the position of seeing him daily thus you can take the "No Contact" approach. I know I have little or no room to talk or to give advise but it is the best I can give you. You might want to seek counseling as well to help you deal with what you are going through! Link to post Share on other sites
statsgirl Posted December 5, 2004 Share Posted December 5, 2004 Thank you for your advice. I would quit if I could. There are no other decent jobs around me. Mine is one of two places that pays more than minimum and allows me to work the hours I need to in order for me to succeed as a single parent. Plus I like my job, and I am in a very good position to go far. Also, I would lose worker's comp priveledges that are really helping me out right now from a broken elbow last year on the job. I go through waves of strength and depression. When I see little of him and am successful at ignoring him, I do alright. When I am exposed to him more, I lose it. Every Monday for the past 4 weeks, I have been going to a counselor. She has not yet helped me realize anything I didn't already know. That is what brought me to ask on this site if anyone else out there has gone through torment like this. Your advice is sound, but I have already faced each of those paths. I don't know what else to do. One day at a time is all I have. I do understand that. My situation is not the worst one out there. There are some really sad and desperate posts out there. I understand that too. I like where I live, so I really don't want to move away. I just don't have the opportunity, although I have sought them out several times, to meet people who are healthy additions to my life. My isolation is caving in on me right now. I know I am not supposed to feel sorry for myself. I am usually not that kind of person. But, people need people. I just wonder if anyone out there can understand how isolation really feels. It can drag down the strongest people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miggsbucks Posted December 6, 2004 Author Share Posted December 6, 2004 The best way that we can get over a lover immediatley, is to find somebody else. Another lover entering our lives, somebody who gets the butterflies going... We all know how it feels... we all know how someone new can so quickly dust off the cobwebs from past relationships! Its all about getting yourself in that situation where that can happen! From past experience we all know that someone new isnt far from round the corner. The best thing is to take comfort in that fact. IT WILL HAPPEN DAMMIT!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author miggsbucks Posted December 6, 2004 Author Share Posted December 6, 2004 dont forget also folks... the on-coming christmas can distort how people think about everything!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 Ok miggsbuck, what you do you mean by distort during the holiday season, care to explain? I am curious. Link to post Share on other sites
statsgirl Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 Thanks for the advice. My ex stopped by house just tonight with a lame excuse and i closed the door in his face. I was so angry that i called him to yell at him. We wound up talking for an hour. In the end, it was all about his new girl. He tried to tell me she was nothing at first, but in the end he wanted to know what the big deal was about him seeing her? He said this after admitting that he still wanted to see me. I let pointed out to him that this girl and his disgusting attitude about it was the big deal. I feel better now bc i am not confused anymore. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I was upset bc i thought he still cared about me. This girl lives 6 hours away from here. It is clear that he really wants to see her and use me in between her visits. The truth is really a wonderful. I know that he was just trying to use me and thought i was dumb enough to let him do it. He will lose this girl anyway bc he has been lying to her and eventually she will find out that everything she knows was based on a lie. I will be ok now. All i wanted was to understand why he dumped me, did he still care, did he find someone new, special? Now i know. It hurts, but i have too much respect for myself to cry over a man who only wants to use me. I can move on now. Thank you for your support. Funny how things happen. My old post said that i had noone here where i live besides him. I just talked to a woman who is a single mom like me, who has a great babysitter, and who goes out once a week. I have found a new friend to go out with. I am not so isolated as was just this morning. After my revelation this evening, life is looking up. I will be OK now. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miggsbucks Posted December 6, 2004 Author Share Posted December 6, 2004 Originally posted by Nick14 Ok miggsbuck, what you do you mean by distort during the holiday season, care to explain? I am curious. Ok I guess I'll have to post my new story.. I met somebody else at the beginning of October. I havent put the story up on here, and its not the same person my original post was about. She was already seeing someone else, but we slept together on 3 different occasions. After the 2nd occasion she split up with her b/f.. But she has told me she's getting back with him, and I think its because he's good with her kids (her friend told me this) But I have never met her kids, and havent had the chance to. I think that she may have one eye on Christmas, and wants to be with someone who's a more stable influence on her than me possibly?? Link to post Share on other sites
Nick14 Posted December 6, 2004 Share Posted December 6, 2004 Originally posted by miggsbucks Ok I guess I'll have to post my new story.. I met somebody else at the beginning of October. I havent put the story up on here, and its not the same person my original post was about. She was already seeing someone else, but we slept together on 3 different occasions. After the 2nd occasion she split up with her b/f.. But she has told me she's getting back with him, and I think its because he's good with her kids (her friend told me this) But I have never met her kids, and havent had the chance to. I think that she may have one eye on Christmas, and wants to be with someone who's a more stable influence on her than me possibly?? Thought it had to do with ex's or your ex, might come around during the holiday season. Link to post Share on other sites
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