Husband wants to separate permanently

[paradigm shift]

*LONG*

 

I say permanently because we have a long distance marriage. For the past three years, my husband has been living Monday-Friday in the city, while I remain with the kids in the country.

 

Last weekend I told him that I felt he wasn't "here" and he said that he had no feelings left for me and had been coming to this for years. I asked him if he was ever planning on telling me this and he said he didn't know. I actually confronted him because of a list he made that had "no more wife" third on a long list of no mores.

 

We told the kids this weekend we were separating and my husband has agreed to counseling but has been adamant that it is for closure and not for reparation.

 

I want to work on the marriage and have told him so, but obviously he is living apart in the city and he says he is in the place where we are best friends but he has no romantic feelings for me.

 

A lttle background; our sex life has been very very sporadic. The past few years especially because every time we had sex it felt like he was angry rather than loving and I guess I resented it. We don't communicate much; he is a keep it inside kind of guy and I am more of a discuss right now and I also like to get my way, which makes my (ex) more passive aggressive I think, towards me.

 

His mother also died a few years back and he went through a tough time. I thought if I gave him room to grieve and work through things, it would be the right thing to do, but obviously neither of us got what we needed.

 

Here's the crux, I really still love him. After 20 years I just thought we would grow old together. I stayed home to raise the kids and worked part time. Now I am late forties with no husband, no job, and looking forward to menopause (blargh!). Actually, I am back at grad school to complete a degree.

 

So, help me out here. How do I proceed? Obviously I want my marriage back, but neither do I want my partner to be unhappy in anyway. Somebody's going to be unhappy at the end of this and although I don't want it to be me, it looks like it's headed that way

 

Obviously there is much more to say in this, but it is long enough!

[TaraMaiden]

It's a done deal, isn't it?

 

When one partner wants out, and there's no meeting of minds, then there's no hope of repairing anything.

Life doesn't end at 40.

What degree have you accomplished?

 

It's funny, just this morning I was commenting on how women try, try and try then give up, and men seem to not bother making the effort until it's too late, then having to face separation.

 

But you're still willing to try.

he's wanting to jack it in.

 

Perverse as it sounds - give him what he wants.

 

Give him thought-out plans.

Ask him where he's going to move out to, and start gathering his stuff together to pack. Do his suitcases for him, and ask him to be the one to talk to the children as it's his decision.

Work out what you need to work out for finances, get a grip and take charge of your life.

if your children are still minors, suggest they live with you to avoid disruption, but that he should see them and take them every weekend.

 

be completely practical and level-headed.

Discuss when he will file for divorce and on what grounds. When can he get the paperwork up and ready.

 

This may give him a jolt - but there was another lady on here who was landed with this bombshell by her ex-husband - and now, she's feeling better than he is. She's forging a life for herself, gaining independence, trying new things and living a freer life.

And it's given her ex- a bit of a shock to the system.

 

You can do this - because as things are with him - you're going to have to, by the looks of it, anyway.

Investigate life after 40. It doesn't stop.

it often gets better.

[robf1971]

*LONG*

 

I say permanently because we have a long distance marriage. For the past three years, my husband has been living Monday-Friday in the city, while I remain with the kids in the country.

 

Last weekend I told him that I felt he wasn't "here" and he said that he had no feelings left for me and had been coming to this for years. I asked him if he was ever planning on telling me this and he said he didn't know. I actually confronted him because of a list he made that had "no more wife" third on a long list of no mores.

 

We told the kids this weekend we were separating and my husband has agreed to counseling but has been adamant that it is for closure and not for reparation.

 

I want to work on the marriage and have told him so, but obviously he is living apart in the city and he says he is in the place where we are best friends but he has no romantic feelings for me.

 

A lttle background; our sex life has been very very sporadic. The past few years especially because every time we had sex it felt like he was angry rather than loving and I guess I resented it. We don't communicate much; he is a keep it inside kind of guy and I am more of a discuss right now and I also like to get my way, which makes my (ex) more passive aggressive I think, towards me.

 

His mother also died a few years back and he went through a tough time. I thought if I gave him room to grieve and work through things, it would be the right thing to do, but obviously neither of us got what we needed.

 

Here's the crux, I really still love him. After 20 years I just thought we would grow old together. I stayed home to raise the kids and worked part time. Now I am late forties with no husband, no job, and looking forward to menopause (blargh!). Actually, I am back at grad school to complete a degree.

 

So, help me out here. How do I proceed? Obviously I want my marriage back, but neither do I want my partner to be unhappy in anyway. Somebody's going to be unhappy at the end of this and although I don't want it to be me, it looks like it's headed that way

 

Obviously there is much more to say in this, but it is long enough!

 

Yep firstly find out if there is anyone else in the picture. Often the 'i've been coming to this decision for years' is just a convenient rewrite of marital history. Do not ask him is he is cheating as he will just lie. If you have access to his mobile/cell bills. email accounts etc is a good place start looking. Sadly read the stories on here, and this is the case at least 80% of the time.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah.

I didn't like to say... I took it at face value, but.... there IS this as a possibility.

[paradigm shift]

Thanks for replies all . He has a place, due to being in city and we have already worked out a schedule for the kids. I am not sure about someone else. I asked, he said "no", and I do not have access to emails etc. There was a point a few years back when he was having a long distance, I hesitate to say relationship, on the phone with a co worker. They would log hours at a time. I gave my POV on this and said how it made me feel and it stopped (I checked ). My ex is pretty straight up about these things, at least I hope he is. We will find out in therapy most probably (or not). I know, Tara, he is out the door, but he has been years coming to this decision, so I think I should at least have a few months to try to work it out. No one, not he or I, is asking for divorce.

[robf1971]

I asked, he said "no", and I do not have access to emails etc. There was a point a few years back when he was

having a long distance, I hesitate to say relationship, on the phone with a co worker. They would log hours at a time. .

 

All cheaters lie. Of course he said no, they like to keep their spouses as a back up option. I'd get a PI onto it..

[paradigm shift]

I guess...I choose to believe him until I have proof otherwise. It takes two people to be married, so I have as much blame in this situation. However, if he did cheat, or is cheating, I cannot condone it obviously because it is so at odds with my values. I sound really rational here, but don't be fooled

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Thanks for replies all . He has a place, due to being in city and we have already worked out a schedule for the kids. I am not sure about someone else. I asked, he said "no", and I do not have access to emails etc. There was a point a few years back when he was having a long distance, I hesitate to say relationship, on the phone with a co worker. They would log hours at a time. I gave my POV on this and said how it made me feel and it stopped (I checked ). My ex is pretty straight up about these things, at least I hope he is. We will find out in therapy most probably (or not). I know, Tara, he is out the door, but he has been years coming to this decision, so I think I should at least have a few months to try to work it out. No one, not he or I, is asking for divorce.

 

So sorry that you are going through this. May I ask, why not move toward divorce? It seems to me that not moving past the separation leaves you stuck in a rut.

[robf1971]

I guess...I choose to believe him until I have proof otherwise. It takes two people to be married, so I have as much blame in this situation. However, if he did cheat, or is cheating, I cannot condone it obviously because it is so at odds with my values. I sound really rational here, but don't be fooled

 

This is your choice, If your car was on fire and people were yelling at you to get out, whatould you do? Carry on listening to your radio as if nothing was happening?

 

You are burying your head in the sand!!

[paradigm shift]

Hmmm, I am not making myself clear here lol...and this could be part of why my marriage failed.

 

I am certainly not discounting the possibility of cheating, trust me. Nor am I sitting listening to the radio. I am looking for the fire, but am not abandoning the car because someone else says it is on fire. To expand the analogy, I will go over it with a fine tooth comb, ask "experts" to weigh in on the possibility that it will catch fire and then either get rid of the beater or continue driving with careful upkeep and maintenance....this car and I have been through a lot!

[paradigm shift]

Well Wishes, I do not want to be in this rut and want to try to get out. If that is not possible, then the counseling will make the separation and possible divorce continue amicably. There are no custody or financial issues as of yet and we will discuss legal separation for the next tax year. I think we have to move forward down this road a bit more and I have to see that there is no hope,

[robf1971]

Hmmm, I am not making myself clear here lol...and this could be part of why my marriage failed.

 

I am certainly not discounting the possibility of cheating, trust me. Nor am I sitting listening to the radio. I am looking for the fire, but am not abandoning the car because someone else says it is on fire. To expand the analogy, I will go over it with a fine tooth comb, ask "experts" to weigh in on the possibility that it will catch fire and then either get rid of the beater or continue driving with careful upkeep and maintenance....this car and I have been through a lot!

 

Fine toothcombe = PI, Cellphone records, finding out for sure. You're probably scared of what you might find, but believe me it's better than being someone's backup plan.

 

You need to find out if their is a cancer otherwise it cannot be cut out!!

[Yasuandio]

It is time to wake up fast. Listen to Taramaiden, pack his stuff nice for him, and, because you love him, enthusastically accept his decision to divorce. I know this is counter-intuitive. That will be a new way of appraoaching matters of the heart for you, rather than acting on impuse or instinct, or "what you want" (the most selfish position). Give him exactly what he's asking for, period.

 

Now, you must quickly learn about the 180's (this is to help you heal - and to prevent you from making an idiot out of yourself). Until you determine ultimately what you really want for yourself - I will make some other recommendations - that present the counter-intuitive point of view. Michelle Weiner Davis' Divorce Buster Techniques, she has an extensive website, and on-line community - her books are cheap on Amazon.

 

There is a lot of free material on the basic framework of Homer Mcdonald's "Stop Your Divorce" model, although his book is pricey, it's damn worth it to get to chat with him on the phone. He really "Shifted My Paradigm." Just google his name, and then google his name with the word "interview" to find 5 tape recorded interviews that are excellent - with several readings. Listen and read them over and over until you "get it." It took me a while - but I "got it" now. Wish I knew about this material when my world was turned up-side-down years ago.

 

There are many other readings I can suggest. These are two of my favorites.

 

I hope this helps you. Good Luck. Yas

[robf1971]

. I know this is counter-intuitive

 

Yep, this is it. Turf him out in a loving way, you dump him, you reject him.

 

'husband I understand you need to go, so I've packed your stuff and would appreciate it if you'd come and pick it up by the weekend'

[whichwayisup]

I guess...I choose to believe him until I have proof otherwise. It takes two people to be married, so I have as much blame in this situation. However, if he did cheat, or is cheating, I cannot condone it obviously because it is so at odds with my values. I sound really rational here, but don't be fooled

 

The proof is, he doesn't want to work on the marriage. That 'third' person IS what is preventing him from fixing things and wanting to work on the marriage with you. doesn't he want to keep his family together? Why all of a sudden does it want it over? Chances are very high there's someone else and he doesn't want you to know so you won't freak out and ruin it for him..Or have a nasty divorce etc.

 

You want the truth, hire a PI and then ask him again to come clean. Then you'll know.

[paradigm shift]

Good advice everyone, thanks. Will keep you updated as this unfolds (sheesh, better than soap operas, although it would be nice if it was someone else's soap opera!!)

[paradigm shift]

Just a reminder, though, he did not bring up the marriage and it's problems, I did when I asked if he was happy. He admitted he didn't know when he was bringing it up, or even if he was going to discuss it.

[Yasuandio]

The proof is, he doesn't want to work on the marriage. That 'third' person IS what is preventing him from fixing things and wanting to work on the marriage with you. doesn't he want to keep his family together? Why all of a sudden does it want it over? Chances are very high there's someone else and he doesn't want you to know so you won't freak out and ruin it for him..Or have a nasty divorce etc.

 

You want the truth, hire a PI and then ask him again to come clean. Then you'll know.

 

GIGS is obviously the case. Unless it would do her some good in Court (which it probably will not), the PI isn't worth it. It will all shake out in the end, if it needs to, if the marriage is to prevail (then it will be on her terms). Sometimes it's better not to have it all rubbed under your nose at one time. The evidence is there somewhere in the phone records, or on the computer, it always is. There is not a way to conduct an affiar in secret. It will get out. For example, when he has the kids. They will probably meet her, and tell MaMa.

 

Also, it is not going to last. If OP plays her cards right, he is going to come crawling back. Then she will demand the truth, and transparancy.

 

Now this is just my opinion. I know my XH was having an affair - and I suspect it went South. I really don't want to know about it. I am uninterested. Now, when we were in our marriage - I was suspicious - and very curious, even hired a PI - unfortuently, the week husband lost manager and had to work doubl shifts - damn. But once we separated - there just wasn't any point in knowing, because, it made no difference to the Court. That's just me. I don't want to know - it would just hurt or confuse me, and weird me out. Best to move forward IMHO. Yas

[GuyInLimbo]

The proof is, he doesn't want to work on the marriage. That 'third' person IS what is preventing him from fixing things and wanting to work on the marriage with you. doesn't he want to keep his family together? Why all of a sudden does it want it over? Chances are very high there's someone else and he doesn't want you to know so you won't freak out and ruin it for him..Or have a nasty divorce etc.

 

You want the truth, hire a PI and then ask him again to come clean. Then you'll know.

 

I have to disagree with you. I've been in the mind-set that I am DONE with my marriage and have been for quite some time. There is not, and has not, been anyone else. I don't have anyone lined up.

 

I think you guys are way too quick to jump to conclusions. And, let's look at what's going on. What marriage can REALLY survive when one party is essentially gone 5 days of the week for the long term? Who the hell would want that? I see that as a one-way ticket. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, despite what delusional people stuck in LDRs say.

 

To the OP, late 40s is still young. Hell, you probably have only lived half your life!! Don't get down on yourself. It's time to find out what makes you tick, go get that degree, spend some quality time with a therapist, find someone you can be intimate with on a regular basis, and enjoy your life.

[paradigm shift]

Thanks Guy. I know my life isn't over, but sometimes the brain and the heart take awhile to get on the same page

 

I agree with the "no one else". It doesn't feel like it, but if I get blindsided down the road I will come back and let the forum say "I told you so!"

[paradigm shift]

Am seeing IC tomorrow. Husband feels it is too soon to see an MC.

 

What ground rules should I have about the house? He supports us all, pays all the bills, I live in our house and he has come over today to do some work ( it is an investment, after all).

 

I don't want to be crappy about it, but he said " I'm going to take a shower" not Can I or Do you mind? How can I define my space in a nice non- confrontational way? I did take the toilet paper out of his bag though....frickin buy your own!!

 

Should I just pay for someone to do the repairs and such at this point? I guess I should ask the counselor tomorrow, but I feel I need a space too, that is mine..

[TaraMaiden]

See a lawyer, get some advice.

Is your name on the deeds of the property?

Are your children still young?

 

I personally think it's good you're seeing a counsellor - and that you're getting a little mad.

But don't let your emotions drive your decisions. By all means get hot under the collar, but keep a cool head.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I would talk about boundaries as a separated couple. Maybe some posters here can give you ideas on what to prepare for but it seems best if you can have your requests written down for him to see and you two to agree to. I wouldn't piece meal it anymore than you have to if something unexpected comes up. Present it as, we don't show up to each others home/apt unannounced or without being invited, etc...

 

This is why I asked about separation with no plans of divorce. That isn't always in your favor emotionally and otherwise. I completely get that you have been blindsided. You are right that it takes a while for it to soak in or to gainacceptance. So sorry.

[paradigm shift]

See a lawyer, get some advice.

Is your name on the deeds of the property?

Are your children still young?

 

I personally think it's good you're seeing a counsellor - and that you're getting a little mad.

But don't let your emotions drive your decisions. By all means get hot under the collar, but keep a cool head.

 

Ha! I am plenty mad but am not engaging, don't think it is productive (even after he told the kids he would be by mid morning and didn't show up until 3)

 

Yes house is in both names, kids are teens. We live in an area where upon divorce everything is pretty much half ( ie rrsps, savings, property, pension etc).

 

I will be seeing a lawyer in the next couple of weeks for sure.

[paradigm shift]

Thanks IWWH.