TaraMaiden Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 The children have a right to a roof over their heads, so in essence, you would have a right as chief carer to remain in the house. If he has paid for everything up to now, and you've been a stay-at-home mum, nobody will expect you to suddenly be able to pay 50% of everything. He will have to carry on offering support.... What will eventually happen is that either he will have to buy you out, or the house will have to be sold and all proceeds, goods and chattels be divided 50/50. but check with a lawyer - and yes. Establish boundaries. If he has moved out, then in essence he's agreed this is your primary home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 (edited) Double post...sorry Edited October 8, 2012 by paradigm shift Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 I think you guys are way too quick to jump to conclusions. . Which is precisely why the OP needs to rule this out. Hopefully you are right!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 So I saw IC yesterday and felt great!!! You really think that you are all to blame when your marriage goes bad. Obviously, intellectually you know it takes two to tango, but your heart doesn't. She acknowledged how hurt I must be feeling (something I haven't even admitted to myself) especially after finding myself number three on a list of "no mores" he had written. Honestly, I am not sure whether to laugh or cry at being "no more wife" after beer and cigarettes. Although if I just waited it out, I am sure I would have been safe, because there is no way he is giving up beer... Actually, the most relevant thing the IC said was "that it takes two people to work on a marriage" and I guess I just needed to hear it out loud. So, I have contacted a mediator, which is an alternative to lawyer, but who is a lawyer in order to discuss divorce proceedings. It kills me, but I have to do what's best for me as well as my kids. Someone had posted somewhere the analogy of constantly ripping off the band-aid and why would one want to do that? I am sad, hurt and mourning the loss of my best friend, but today I take a step forward instead of living the definition of insanity by expecting different results. I would still go to counseling and still work on the marriage, but it is not only up to me. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 {{{Huge Hugs}}} paradigm shift. I wish you well. Keep in touch, we'll support you all we can. Be your own Number one, on your list now. It won't be easy, but you don't need to do this alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 Thanks Tara Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 I just need to ask: what prompted this childish "no more" list??? Was that something he did on his own? Something you asked him to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 It is certainly not something that I asked him to do, lol! There were a lot of " no more" on this list but I kind of blanked after no more wife... It included no more lies no more debt etc and about 6 other things. I wish we could have been more honest from the start. I said to IC that i think perhaps he thinks if he changes this (his marriage) then he will be able to change other things, be happier. She said that it wasn't my problem if it didn't . Which was kind of a revelation. I know you are thinking "hello.....of course it's not" but clarity is reserved for those who stand outside of the storm Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 So, he just wrote it for himself? Was it some sort of self-help exercise?? lol Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 How do I proceed? Interview three attorneys. IMO, your case is beyond self-help. As your jurisdiction allows, investigate your options, including legal separation, divorce and/or bifurcation of financial/marital matters and determine which path is best for your situation. The lawsuit isn't final until the seal appears on the judgment. That could take awhile. It took 18 months for us. In the time, one or both of you could move on, reconcile, become happily single, etc, etc. The path is unknown. The first step seems pretty clear though. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 11, 2012 Author Share Posted October 11, 2012 @ Guy...apparently!!! LOL!! @ Carhill-thanks Made a lawyer's appt for next week and looking at mediation (which here is a series of meetings with a lawyer who tries to mediate the separation/divorce thereby avoiding costly and lengthy court battles ) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Mediation worked great for us and, best of all, it was free Link to post Share on other sites
debber01 Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Wow Paradigm. I could have written your original email. Word for word, it's my exact situation as well. Only I just had the bomb dropped on me Tuesday before he went back to his job, and life, in the city. He's already seen a lawyer to start a legal separation. He says no divorce, at least at this time, but I can't believe that. A legal separation is just the first step toward divorce. Wish I had advice for you. All I know is that after 25 years, this really really sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 In Cali, so YMMV, a legal separation is the same as a divorce, except the parties are unable to legally re-marry until legally divorced. Nearly all (there are some exceptions) matters of custody and/or property/debt are settled during the legal separation process. It can take as long and be as hotly contested as a divorce. Most folks I've known just divorce. I can't think of a personal friend or family member who went the legal separation route. I could see it in certain cases due to religious beliefs or due to social responsibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
FocusOnMe Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 The proof is, he doesn't want to work on the marriage. That 'third' person IS what is preventing him from fixing things and wanting to work on the marriage with you. doesn't he want to keep his family together? Why all of a sudden does it want it over? Chances are very high there's someone else and he doesn't want you to know so you won't freak out and ruin it for him..Or have a nasty divorce etc. You want the truth, hire a PI and then ask him again to come clean. Then you'll know. Sounds like my situation exactly....just sent my lawyer an email asking if I should get a PI..... Link to post Share on other sites
FocusOnMe Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 I have to disagree with you. I've been in the mind-set that I am DONE with my marriage and have been for quite some time. There is not, and has not, been anyone else. I don't have anyone lined up. I think you guys are way too quick to jump to conclusions. And, let's look at what's going on. What marriage can REALLY survive when one party is essentially gone 5 days of the week for the long term? Who the hell would want that? I see that as a one-way ticket. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, despite what delusional people stuck in LDRs say. To the OP, late 40s is still young. Hell, you probably have only lived half your life!! Don't get down on yourself. It's time to find out what makes you tick, go get that degree, spend some quality time with a therapist, find someone you can be intimate with on a regular basis, and enjoy your life. GIL, I really like your way of thinking, it helps me so much! Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 If the OP is jobless, unless she has a secret stash somewhere, paying a couple grand for a competent PI is going to send a flag up with her H, unless they're independently wealthy and that is spending money to them. Be prepared for that if making such a choice. Is knowing the 'truth' worth the consequences? It could be, definitely. Best wishes in making your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FocusOnMe Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Am seeing IC tomorrow. Husband feels it is too soon to see an MC. What ground rules should I have about the house? He supports us all, pays all the bills, I live in our house and he has come over today to do some work ( it is an investment, after all). I don't want to be crappy about it, but he said " I'm going to take a shower" not Can I or Do you mind? How can I define my space in a nice non- confrontational way? I did take the toilet paper out of his bag though....frickin buy your own!! Should I just pay for someone to do the repairs and such at this point? I guess I should ask the counselor tomorrow, but I feel I need a space too, that is mine.. I started out with letting him come over to "help" out around the house and such, but now that Ive implimented the NC rule, he is not allowed anywhere near the house or near me or Bogey (my pooch); I have asked other ppl to help me do stuff, or I just suck it up and do it myself. Its not easy, I will be honest with you because I still miss the jerk and still would love for him to come crawling back, but I have to be strong and move on. Eventually, and Im doing it all now anyway, Im going to have to do stuff for myself so why not start now. Link to post Share on other sites
FocusOnMe Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Wish I had advice for you. All I know is that after 25 years, this really really sucks. Debber...Im so sorry to hear this...im married 15 years and with XH 19, 25 years?!? OMG, this is soooo soo sad, I am crying :'( My heart is broken for all of us.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 If the OP is jobless, unless she has a secret stash somewhere, paying a couple grand for a competent PI is going to send a flag up with her H, unless they're independently wealthy and that is spending money to them. Be prepared for that if making such a choice. Is knowing the 'truth' worth the consequences? It could be, definitely. Best wishes in making your choice. She an put it on a credit card, it won't show up for a month. Make sure you can send the PI to the right place - don't just let the guy go flapping in the wind! Also - find a PI that works alone, or a firm that puts one person on the case - there is no need for a damn team - this is not CSI. That is how the bill gets jacked all to heck. You can get the ball rolling with a simple GPS system from eBay. It is easy. You will learn every single place the car goes in live time. You can provide password to PI - to make it easy-breezy for him to follow on-line. It is so great how it works - I could watch everything the car did from overseas! That's how I became aware of a number of things - You can Google Earth the location, you can do a reverse seach on the address where car was located. You can also find out who owns the property thru tax records on-line. Best place to put device is inside a plastic bumper with velcro, or inside of spare wheel well. If you want more info, let me know, I'm an expert. Also -- you can find out just about as much information from watching the on-line records of phone and text messages, or credit card charges, if he has not already set up the accounts on-line himself (then you do it). You have to do this kind of mischeif (GPS) before you are formally separated though. Otherwise - it is an invasion of privacy. My PI told me it was illigal to put a Voice Activated Recorder in his car - but I wish I had done it anyways - for my own satisfaction. That would have really been telling. I needed it at that time - I would have moved faster, my healing would have progressed faster, and I would have left my denial much sooner. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Suggestion: If using a credit card to fund a PI, be sure the card, if joint, is free of alerts regarding unusual or high spending activity. My cards are set up to alert me of any charge over 500.00, as an example, as is my credit monitoring service. The issue is moot if the card is solely the property of the OP and H has no access. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 GIL, I really like your way of thinking, it helps me so much! Thank you! You're very welcome! And you can tell you XH that I said you're hot! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 Good thinking Carhill. Spread it out on as many cards as you can. American Express never asked squalked in twenty-five years (even with a 20G retainer for my attorney). Typically a well-known PI firm charges 5 grand retainer. But if you find a PI that will work alone (not a firm - an independent detective), you might get away with a thousand a bite, and find out what you need in the first payment. Good luck, Yas Link to post Share on other sites
FocusOnMe Posted October 11, 2012 Share Posted October 11, 2012 You're very welcome! And you can tell you XH that I said you're hot! Well, thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author paradigm shift Posted October 12, 2012 Author Share Posted October 12, 2012 Focus On Me: NC is not possible, but am going the LC route, only text concerning kids. It is hard though, since we used to talk and text tons, and he is/was my best friend:( @ Debber: I am so sorry you are going through this. It seems we are alone in our own little relationships until you come on here and find an entire community going through the same things. Little comfort to know this happens so much, but at least it helps us get through every day-knowing that others came out the other side and could move on. As for a PI, yup-no money lol and I don't really need to know at this point. If I have to prove adultery later on for whatever reason I will, but I think at this point, I have to concentrate on maintaining my very tenuous grip on my own ability to handle this situation. If he wanted to enter into counseling with the thought of working on the marriage, then it would be an issue, but right now it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts