Husband wants to separate permanently

[paradigm shift]

Today I sent an email re-iterating my position of wanting to work on the marriage, but told him that I couldn't be hiding my head in the sand and hoping for the best, so I had to concentrate on myself and the kids in terms of asking him to find a mediator, setting up visitation and defining the boundaries of our separate lives and spaces.

 

Earlier in the week, He accused me of being unable to love someone. I also wrote that he was kidding himself if he thought that this was not breaking my heart, but that this did not negate the fact that I will move forward on my own.

 

I think it is important he knows how I feel but also knows that I am prepared to begin my own journey as well.

[debber01]

Wow Paradigm. You've come a long way in the past couple of weeks, now being prepared to make your own journey if need be. Proud of you. How did you do it? I can't even drive to the grocery store let alone driving to consult with a lawyer.

[paradigm shift]

Wow Paradigm. You've come a long way in the past couple of weeks, now being prepared to make your own journey if need be. Proud of you. How did you do it? I can't even drive to the grocery store let alone driving to consult with a lawyer.

 

Thanks Deb. That is just a good hour or two talking, trust me, getting out of bed some days is tough...thank goodness for kids!

 

I don't want to be here, my fantasies of growing old together, planning weddings and looking after grandchildren in the future together all shot to hell. I think, though, if I stay here, hoping he'll realize it was a mistake and that he is willing to give it a shot etc., then I am further behind and that scares me, since it is difficult enough already.

 

Of course, MC would be scary too, because then I get to hear what he really thinks of me:(, instead of just not communicating at this point.

 

I cannot make someone to change their mind and the fact that he said it has been years and I have noticed that he really isn't the same person he used to be. Every one has noticed, but he dismisses it. So, maybe this "new" person doesn't love me like the old person, I don't know.

 

All I know is I wake up every day and focus on me, and try not to think of him and us too much...

[paradigm shift]

Long time no post

 

Long story short....yup OW, not during pre separation but he had met her and was running with her a full two months previous ( EA anyone?)

 

I went as NC as I could for three months. January we had a fourteen hour alcohol fuelled talk. I had also found Divorce Busters and the forum really saved my azz. H made the comment that when he left, he expected to be happy. But I got happy and he didn't. So it led him to rethinking that everything was my fault.

 

H and I text for next three months. Girl friend has no idea. She goes away for a month and h and it continue relationship of talking, going for lunch and coffee and some serious making out

 

April, she comes back. Breaks up with H two weeks later. States I am the reason.

 

H and I hang around etc. in June he says he really wants to try to have a relationship with Gf ( she is away again) and can't be with me. Asks me to I friend him on fb etc. I say that it of course makes me sad but there are only two ways this ends. We are together or we are not and I will be fine with either. That my happiness does not depend on us and I wish him nothing but peace and love.

 

And I mean it actually.

 

Three days later he gets a Dear John email.

 

A week later he has new girlfriend. A rebound rebound???? Sigh. I wait, I know what it is. She breaks up with him after two months, again, I am the reason. H is supporting us and putting me through school. We are. Very good friends at this point.

 

Today, we are not together but do things together, he comes out on weekends. We sleep together etc but he is cautious about making a commitment until he works out his own *****. That's okay. I have my own deadline in mind.

 

So just thought I would update you all. Of course this is the sane version. The full roller coaster is on DB forum lol.

 

Thinking of you.

 

PS

[paradigm shift]

Wow. Sorry for how much anger you have Fluorescent and I am sorry that someone has treated you badly somewhere down the line.

 

Actually weak is not the word, it has required an incredible amount of strength to find and listen to my voice in this. Not society's, not my friends' , just my own.

 

Separating was probably the best gift I ever got. It made me realize what a crappy bitter person I had become, and it made me be thankful for all the gifts in my life, including my H.

 

I also realized that unconditional love is that- unconditional. It also gives me the power and not H. Walking away from the marriage because we separated or he started dating or he cannot commit is a reaction.

 

Everything I do now is an action. It depends on me. Whether or not I want to see him depends on me. Whether or not I will develop a new relationship depends on me.

 

In realizing these truths about myself, I gained so much, and lost so much. But the things I lost were not all that valuable in the first place.

 

In these actions I define myself. If you see it as weak that's okay because at the end of the day I have to live with myself and I have to wake up good with that each day.

 

My kids? See two people who love and care for each other, who never talk badly about each other and have made no bones about whether we are back together, we are not.

 

Would youngest at 14 rather dad be back in the house? Of course, but he was living away during the week anyway for the past five years so nothing has changed.

 

I do have my own timeline for him to decide whether he wants to work on a new relationship with me. Again, my decision and again I have no conditions or expectations.

 

I hope you can understand this. Not agree, but understand

 

Namaste

[thinkingofhim]

This is actually really refreshing. I think it's great that you are allowing your husband to explore his options with other women, because it means if he does choose you in the end you will know that he has no lingering doubts in his mind. Good luck

[paradigm shift]

You see, Fluorescent, I am not naive, or uneducated. I am not a newbie in this world either.

 

What I learned after twenty years of marriage is:

 

-that H is my best friend.

- Marriage is tough work. Who knew?

- That I was very close to ending the marriage myself.

-that I loved my husband when I thought I didn't

- I learned how to love unconditionally

-I learned that in order to be beautiful, your insides have to match the outside

- I learned that the only person I control is myself

- I learned I was stronger than I ever imagined

-I learned that I don't need someone in my life, but what I want is another matter

- I learned what was important and not important. To let go of pride and anger.

 

With societal values and standards shifting everyday, why is not my situation tenable to my children?

 

I choose to do this differently than most people upon separating. We may divorce, but I will not be on any different path than I am now.

 

Thanks "thinking of him". It really comes down to dictating your own life and no one else's. H really thought he was done- had never loved me, I was the cause of all evil, etc. etc.

 

He realized about three months in that I was happy and he wasn't. That made him think that perhaps, just maybe, it wasn't evil PS's fault totally...

 

Now we start to define a new relationship and see where it goes. If it does..great. If it doesn't... great. But I will know that i gave it everything I had.

[Sheri]

paradigm shift thank you for your post. I have been married for 27 years and my husband left little over 6 months ago. I too do not want to give up on my marriage. I have been told to forget him and move on but I don't want too. Your list of things you learned is how I have been feeling but hadn't put into words.

[oldshirt]

Fluorescent I do see your point and while you have some validity, I think you are seeing Paradigm shift's situation through your own interpretations and I think you are being a little overly harsh.

 

We need to keep in mind Mr Paradigm Shift has essentially been out of the house for about 6 years at this point. They have been emotionally divesting for half a dozen years whether they intended to or not.

 

Paradigm shift realized herself that she was contemplating ending the marriage herself at one point.

 

Their kids are not in diapers or toddlers needing 24 hour care. There hasn't been any abandonment of the children or neglect of their needs.

 

Mr Paradigm Shift did eventually become involved with someone else but nothing has indicated he was or has been any kind of womanizer, skirtchaser or serial cheater and nothing has indicated that he has been trying to pull any wool over Paradigm Shifts eyes. He has pretty much stated from the start that he was wanting to move on. He hasn't been telling her that he is all-in in the marriage and then tearing some off on the side. He basically ran the skull and crossbones up the flag pole over a year ago and even in the face of his GF dumping him, he is still moving on with his life in a number of ways even though he is still maintaining a coparenting and arguably a FWB relationship with Paradigm Shift.

 

Paradigm shift has said she is sad for the loss of the dreams she had for her marriage (all separations/divorces do) and she has admitted to grieving the loss of constant contact with her best friend. and she has admitted to loving him in human-connection kind of way -

 

But no where has she come right out and said that she has ever been hearbroken or devastated by his departure or that she yearns for him to return to a June/Ward Cleaver marriage.

 

I get the sense she is pretty much just as dis-invested in this marriage as he is, she is just better at putting her feelings and spiritual journey into black and white text.

 

I'd be willing to bet she has someone else too to one degree or another, she just hasn't choosen to reveal that to us yet and perhaps it really doesn't have any relevance to any of this yet.

 

Bottom line is this is not a broken woman who has been blindsided by a cheating louse who has been lying and manipulating her into thinking she had the perfect marriage who suddenly found out he was a skirtchasing cheat who broke her heart.

 

This is two people who do care for each other and who have made a commitment to treat each other with compassion and who have made a commitment to coparent together and raise their children together the best they can even though they no longer have the romantic/passionate bond they once did.

 

Paradigm Shift is not being used or manipulated. She knows where she stands. She has sexual needs and needs for touch and warmth like everyone else and has a long history with the ex and feels a certain degree of trust and chemistry with him.

 

They are each helping fill a hole in each other's lives until one of them chooses to completely break the bond and move on. One of these days one or the other of them will meet someone else and will choose to end this FWB arrangement. It could be him, it could be her. It could happen in the next couple days, next couple weeks, months or even years but neither one of them is under any illusions that they will be married happily ever after any more.

[oldshirt]

 

I will disgaree with you on one thing. Mrs Shift would take him back in a heartbeat despite everything...

 

It goes back to my point about her contradicting herself. She says one thing, her actions say different. She says she is ok to move on with her life, yet she would take him back if he came begging for a second chance. Without a shadow of a doubt in my mind.

..

 

It's not fair for either of us to speculate what she would do. .......but let's do it anyway LOL:laugh:

 

I don't know if I agree with that.

 

I think this is kind of like the old saying, "I hope I can find someone that is as nice as you. As successful as you. as good looking and sexy as you. And that I get along with as well as you.........but isn't you."

 

I don't think she would take him back in his current incarnation. If he were to somehow transform into a completely different person and have a completely different set of career and lifestyle circumstances but still retain some of his core characteristics and personal traits she might. But he's already been gone a long, long time and both of their lives really are pretty far removed from each other.

 

They may have been married and had some kind of relationship on paper for the last half dozen years but he really is pretty much just some guy that comes around and takes the kids out for ice cream on weekends and has some kind of conversation with her to keep her entertained for a period of time and maybe even have a little kunka-chinka now and then but no real connection for a long time.