Angry - Part 2

[Tenacity]

She hasn't physically threatened you, so why is it getting you so riled up? (As evidenced by the long posts assessing the situation, trying to decide what to do, if anything). It's just words, from a woman who you are admitting is just trying to get a reaction out of you because she can't get one from the person she really is aiming at.

 

If you lash out at her after her third attempt, all you are doing is rewarding her persistence and the drama will escalate and continue. (It is hard for me to understand how a mental healthcare professional could rationalize how this would be a good decision). Why don't you just completely ignore the e-mails and not let them get to you? This woman isn't anything to you, so ignore her, if you truly want to defuse the situation.

 

It seems to me that you are mostly upset that MM isn't reacting as you wish, by apologizing to you. I don't think he owes you an apology - you got yourself into this situation and involved with this man. No, you didn't ask for him to get involved with an unstable woman, but with your decision to get involved in this kind of relationship (with people who are married and who are looking outside of their M for other relationships) you put yourself at risk for all kinds of negative outcomes, which are impossible to predict.

[KathyM]

I'd agree with the people who are advising you not to contact her. Block her Emails so you never receive them. Keep away from her. Don't accept calls from her if she tries to call you. No good can come from this. You would be wise to wash your hands of this whole mess and have a strict NC policy with the MM and his OOW. My sister had to deal with her husband's OW who continually called the house trying to cause trouble and backmailing her husband. They had to get a restraining order against her. Don't escalate this. Strict NC with the OOW AND with the MM, and if blocking her Emails and calls does not end the problem and she continues to harrass you, then file a restraining order.

[2sunny]

The anger should really be at MM.

 

IF he hadn't given her info about YOU - this wouldntbehappening - so HE DID PLY A ROLE in all of it.

 

He doesn't know how toke pinto to himself.

[AnotherRound]

She hasn't physically threatened you, so why is it getting you so riled up? (As evidenced by the long posts assessing the situation, trying to decide what to do, if anything). It's just words, from a woman who you are admitting is just trying to get a reaction out of you because she can't get one from the person she really is aiming at.

 

If you lash out at her after her third attempt, all you are doing is rewarding her persistence and the drama will escalate and continue. (It is hard for me to understand how a mental healthcare professional could rationalize how this would be a good decision). Why don't you just completely ignore the e-mails and not let them get to you? This woman isn't anything to you, so ignore her, if you truly want to defuse the situation.

 

It seems to me that you are mostly upset that MM isn't reacting as you wish, by apologizing to you. I don't think he owes you an apology - you got yourself into this situation and involved with this man. No, you didn't ask for him to get involved with an unstable woman, but with your decision to get involved in this kind of relationship (with people who are married and who are looking outside of their M for other relationships) you put yourself at risk for all kinds of negative outcomes, which are impossible to predict.

 

I will explain one more time. Today is the anniversary of my Mother's murder - I have NO patience, no tolerance today for stupid bs like this. I won't explain it again.

 

I KNOW it's not healthy - that's the only thing holding me back. I am not upset that exMM didn't apologize, I'm disappointed. I know he is not responsible for her behaviors - but I wouldn't have to be "dealing" with her behaviors if he hadn't contacted me again asking for another chance once the divorce is final.

 

I didn't put myself in anything to do with this woman. I broke up with him, she started dating him after that. HE chose to contact me, not the other way around, and asked me to consider dating him now that he is divorcing. I haven't even decided regarding that! I am not "riled up" - I'm annoyed, and in order to get rid of the annoyance, I am thinking of doing something that I know will be hurtful to her emotionally - bc I know (am pretty sure) that it would be effective and she would back off of me immediately. Unless she's just a glutton for emotional hurt - which I guess could be the case. But that ceases to be my problem.

 

Maybe, if I respond, she will back off - ideal. Or, she will dig her heels in and actually do something that I could get a RO for. Either way, she will be out of my life permanently, and that's what I want. I have no desire to spar with her - she is forcing the situation by ignoring my silence and continuing to stalk me and attempting to insert herself in my life against my boundaries.

 

I know it's not the healthy thing to do. But just because I'm a professional doesn't mean I'm not human - or that I don't have the right to assert my boundaries forcefully with someone who obviously has no respect for other people's boundaries. I have every right to defend myself, and to let my boundaries be known strongly and firmly - if she is hurt in that process, that is NOT my problem. She contacted me - not the other way around.

 

I am not contacting her right now. I will give her one last chance. I will think about it, but may even just drop her an email later today letting her know that she does NOT want to continue trying to contact me. If she continues after that - then all bets will be off. At that point, it will be a question of my boundaries being disrespected by someone who has NO need to be in my life - or not. And I will not allow her to trample my boundaries simply bc she will be hurt emotionally by what I shoot back her way.

 

My feelings count here too, not just hers. I'm in an emotional place right now, and it's too bad her that she picked this exact time to jack with me. She can learn her lesson or not, I don't care at all - but I won't allow a grown freakin' woman to harass me when I have done nothing to her. Her hurt is valid - but it's not my fault nor my problem. And I resent her trying to make it so - and expecting me to be nice when she is being anything but to me.

 

I'm a professional with my clients - in my personal life, I have to survive just like anyone else. If I wasn't a professional, I would have already fired back at her. She's lucky for that - but she's pushing it. I also just got a call from a blocked number - didn't answer it, as is my policy - but so help me, if she is now calling me - I will not allow her to intrude on me like this.

[AnotherRound]

The anger should really be at MM.

 

IF he hadn't given her info about YOU - this wouldntbehappening - so HE DID PLY A ROLE in all of it.

 

He doesn't know how toke pinto to himself.

 

She has NO info about anything about me that is personal. He didn't share anything of that nature with her, as evidenced by her emails. She and I have mutual friends, and it wouldn't have been hard to get my name - as she obviously has. From there, a simple Google search would show my business web page - along with my picture. And a phone number and an email. It's pretty simple - all she needed was even a first name. It's uncommon enough that it wouldn't be too difficult.

 

If she had any personal info about me, there is no doubt in my mind that she would have already used it. She did against the stbxw, without hesitation, bc her goal is to hurt others. She tried to hurt me in the emails, but it was very obvious that she has very little information - if any, especially considering what I know about her.

 

I am not worried what she knows about me - not a really private person in that way, and nothing to be ashamed of in my past - nothing I wouldn't reveal to most anyone myself. And again, if she had anything like that, she would have already used it, it seems. That's the whole point. The things that I know, would devastate her. I'm holding back for her - not for me. But, I will only protect her for so long - if she continues to push it, I will let her know exactly how uneven the ground is that she stands on. If it leaves her on her a**, that's her own fault.

 

I'm past feeling sorry for her, sorry. I feel sorry for her UNTIL she doesn't take a hint and stop trying to harm me. At that point, it is every person for themselves, and I will not stop myself from using defenses to protect myself from unwanted contact.

[Tenacity]

I will explain one more time. Today is the anniversary of my Mother's murder - I have NO patience, no tolerance today for stupid bs like this. I won't explain it again.

 

You didn't need to explain it again.... I got it the first time.

 

I truly am sorry for your sad situation. But please do not attack me for giving my opinion, even if you don't like it. This is an open forum.

 

I didn't put myself in anything to do with this woman. I broke up with him, she started dating him after that.

 

But he's still married, right? That was my point - it was a general one - getting involved in relationships with people who are M yet seeking relationships outside of their M's can be risky.

 

I am not "riled up" - I'm annoyed

 

My bad - mentally replace 'riled up' with 'annoyed' in my previous post.

 

Maybe, if I respond, she will back off - ideal. Or, she will dig her heels in and actually do something that I could get a RO for. Either way, she will be out of my life permanently, and that's what I want.

 

I'm not sure that is the case, which was the point I was trying to make. If she's really unstable she could do something really violent. It has been my experience that people like this are looking for attention, and (as your ex-MM is doing) the way to handle it is not give them what they are seeking. If you reply she will be rewarded and know that she got to you, and I do not believe such people will 'back off'... not when it is their intent to get a reaction in the first place.

 

My point was that she is not doing anything to you that you can't ignore, and if you are this stressed due to other life factors it might be better to ignore if you can, and not do anything at this time that you might be sorry for later.

 

My feelings count here too, not just hers.

 

Of course that is true. I'm not sure where in my post you think I said that only her feelings count.

 

Sorry if you took offense, and good luck with your situation.

[AnotherRound]

You didn't need to explain it again.... I got it the first time.

 

I truly am sorry for your sad situation. But please do not attack me for giving my opinion, even if you don't like it. This is an open forum.

 

 

 

But he's still married, right? That was my point - it was a general one - getting involved in relationships with people who are M yet seeking relationships outside of their M's can be risky.

 

 

 

My bad - mentally replace 'riled up' with 'annoyed' in my previous post.

 

 

 

I'm not sure that is the case, which was the point I was trying to make. If she's really unstable she could do something really violent. It has been my experience that people like this are looking for attention, and (as your ex-MM is doing) the way to handle it is not give them what they are seeking. If you reply she will be rewarded and know that she got to you, and I do not believe such people will 'back off'... not when it is their intent to get a reaction in the first place.

 

My point was that she is not doing anything to you that you can't ignore, and if you are this stressed due to other life factors it might be better to ignore if you can, and not do anything at this time that you might be sorry for later.

 

 

 

Of course that is true. I'm not sure where in my post you think I said that only her feelings count.

 

Sorry if you took offense, and good luck with your situation.

 

No, he's not married - he is divorcing. He has been living separately for the past 8 months and they have been in divorce proceedings since then. I wasn't attacking you - I was pointing out that you missed some key elements - as in, no they are not staying married, not living together, etc. etc.

 

No offense taken - just frustrating when people respond without taking into account some pretty important variables. No big deal... Thanks for the kind words.

[Tenacity]

No, he's not married - he is divorcing. He has been living separately for the past 8 months and they have been in divorce proceedings since then. I wasn't attacking you - I was pointing out that you missed some key elements - as in, no they are not staying married, not living together, etc. etc.

 

No offense taken - just frustrating when people respond without taking into account some pretty important variables. No big deal... Thanks for the kind words.

 

I didn't miss that element - I have followed your story. We just define it differently. To me, 'divorcing' is not the same thing as 'not being married' (my ex-MM was in divorce proceedings and separated for over a year, several years ago; he's still married). I understand some people are okay with dating people who are separated, but your ex-MM seemed to be going back and forth in his decisions regarding reconciliation. So, I do not see him as not being married, but I do understand not everyone may agree.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.

[Quiet Storm]

She can learn her lesson or not, I don't care at all

 

You do care. If you didn't care, you would just delete the email and not give her a second thought.

 

Her anger is misguided, but so is yours.

 

You have both been hurt by a selfish married man. And you are both obsessing over him, his marriage and his reasons for doing what he does.

 

Both of you are pointing fingers and lashing out at each other. Both of you waste brain space analyzing a selfish MM who has proven to care for himself only. You both are letting him live rent free in your heads and he could care less. It would be more constructive to look inward and focus on resolving your own issues, than it would be feeding the drama.

 

I suggest ignoring or sending something like:

 

"OOW, I understand you are angry about the end of your and MM's relationship. MM is a selfish man that doesn't deserve either of us. Obsessing, analyzing and lashing out at each other only further connects us to a man that doesn't deserve to be the subject of one fleeting thought. The only thing we need to understand about this man is that he is not good for either one of us. Our energy and headspace would be better spent on finding constructive ways to deal with our feelings and move forward, such as focusing on the things we love and surrounding ourselves with positive people that enrich our lives."

[MissBee]

She hasn't physically threatened you, so why is it getting you so riled up? (As evidenced by the long posts assessing the situation, trying to decide what to do, if anything). It's just words, from a woman who you are admitting is just trying to get a reaction out of you because she can't get one from the person she really is aiming at.

 

If you lash out at her after her third attempt, all you are doing is rewarding her persistence and the drama will escalate and continue. (It is hard for me to understand how a mental healthcare professional could rationalize how this would be a good decision). Why don't you just completely ignore the e-mails and not let them get to you? This woman isn't anything to you, so ignore her, if you truly want to defuse the situation.

 

It seems to me that you are mostly upset that MM isn't reacting as you wish, by apologizing to you. I don't think he owes you an apology - you got yourself into this situation and involved with this man. No, you didn't ask for him to get involved with an unstable woman, but with your decision to get involved in this kind of relationship (with people who are married and who are looking outside of their M for other relationships) you put yourself at risk for all kinds of negative outcomes, which are impossible to predict.

 

 

I have to agree.

 

Maybe I'm different, but I could care less if some deranged woman emails me. Emails are easy enough to block and delete...like spam. Unless she is calling my phone or showing up at my door or in places I frequent, sending me physical mail etc...virtual emails are trivial and easy enough to handle and nothing to really get worked up over. She also hasn't sent threats but simply stated her opinions about your relationship with the MM.

 

I personally would not have even called the MM to ask how he waned to "handle it" since it wasn't his to handle. In that, although she is obsessed with him, he had nothing to do with her emailing you, so what you chose to do about it would not really impact his life and it wasn't something he needed to do anything about. So I do understand his response of not really caring unless it was going to affect him....and it wasn't going to.

 

 

I do think it appears that more of your anger is at him and his flippancy about the matter and not being a united front with you but kind of saying "oh well, not my problem". If I were you, I'd be pissed too at him and the entire situation. I also agree that the blame is on a MM when he chooses a crazy OW who starts affecting his family and BS...I am not sure if the same applies to his OW if he adds another OW. It becomes very dicey then. In any case, my first response was, is this man that great where all this drama is worth it? It seems like one thing after another and him having an A, then procuring an insane OW on top of it who is bothering everyone else's life and where he politely has bowed out of the drama just does not seem appealing.

 

In any case, this is small change. I understand you're stressed in other areas, take care of yourself and focus your energies on HELPFUL things and not this MM and this crazy exOOW. If she lives for the drama, you responding will be giving her what she wants. You should know that lots of crazy people don't see harsh words as obstacles and if she is unhinged and has no job and can stalk all day (honestly, WHY did this man choose her? I'm just wondering...I'd be turned off of him just for that reason. What kind of judgment does he have??) then she will simply find it a fun hobby to toy with you. Ignoring this would be best. Indifference is best IMO. You getting so riled up and allowing it to frustrate you is playing in. Consider it spam, like those chain emails, and ignore. Focus on useful things in your life and don't spend your energy and time to engage with this woman. The MM sure isn't and you shouldn't either.

[MissBee]

You do care. If you didn't care, you would just delete the email and not give her a second thought.

 

Her anger is misguided, but so is yours.

 

You have both been hurt by a selfish married man. And you are both obsessing over him, his marriage and his reasons for doing what he does.

 

Both of you are pointing fingers and lashing out at each other. Both of you waste brain space analyzing a selfish MM who has proven to care for himself only. You both are letting him live rent free in your heads and he could care less. It would be more constructive to look inward and focus on resolving your own issues, than it would be feeding the drama.

 

I suggest ignoring or sending something like:

 

"OOW, I understand you are angry about the end of your and MM's relationship. MM is a selfish man that doesn't deserve either of us. Obsessing, analyzing and lashing out at each other only further connects us to a man that doesn't deserve to be the subject of one fleeting thought. The only thing we need to understand about this man is that he is not good for either one of us. Our energy and headspace would be better spent on finding constructive ways to deal with our feelings and move forward, such as focusing on the things we love and surrounding ourselves with positive people that enrich our lives."

 

YES YES AND YESS!!!!

 

That's about the only thing worth it. I wonder what the response would be to that? I imagine if anything would be disarming, it would be such a gracious response that puts HIM at the center of it versus AR or OOW attacking each other. It would also allow the OOW to maybe realize that since AR is not hung up on MM, and is not competing for him..she won't have any ammunition, as she can only "get to" someone who still wants the MM.

 

Ignoring is best...but if anything should be sent, I'd definitely go with something like this.

[DBella]

OP just ignore her. If you reply to her, this will further escalate because she is gonna be more upset and angrier and you don't want it to escalate. You are not even with him anymore so leave it behind.

 

Try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She is hurting and very mad but you trying to hurt her more than what you have is definitely not going to make you a better person in life. Think about it for a second. What are you going to gain from it? Nothing good, so ignore it.

[DBella]

YES YES AND YESS!!!!

 

That's about the only thing worth it. I wonder what the response would be to that? I imagine if anything would be disarming, it would be such a gracious response that puts HIM at the center of it versus AR or OOW attacking each other. It would also allow the OOW to maybe realize that since AR is not hung up on MM, and is not competing for him..she won't have any ammunition, as she can only "get to" someone who still wants the MM.

 

Ignoring is best...but if anything should be sent, I'd definitely go with something like this.

 

OP should just ignore her. Period. At this very moment the BS is so mad at her that not even the kindest words would make a difference. Just ignore her so this does not go on any further. Also stop contacting MM. It makes you look like you are trying to find a way to talk to him again, even if you are not.

[2sunny]

In the end you can ignore her - I hope she does go away.

 

What seems MORE pertinent is that MM isn't feeling badly that HIS actions created this mess - and so much so - that it has now affected YOU enough to break NC with him in order to relay info about how YOU feel - yet he still doesn't seem to care enough to DO anything to make YOU feel better about what mess HE created!

 

He may have a RO against her - but that shouldn't keep HIM from having empathy for YOU.

 

He's not looking to me like a man I'd be attracted to - at all!

 

Hugs for your situation with your Mom.

[AnotherRound]

Just so everyone knows, I did not contact her, and don't plan to. I found a way to block my work email (I think, I'm hoping) and that will only leave telephone. I don't have the plan so that I can block her number, but if she calls from an unknown number, I won't know unless she leaves a voice mail. If she does, I will get the plan and block the number.

 

This was my struggle - I knew that contacting her was not the "right" thing bc I could hurt her emotionally with words. But I WANTED to hurt her bc she is trying to hurt me - and has hurt stbxw and exMM's child, and stbxw by herself, and exMM. Not bc she threw tantrums - although it was unnecessary, but bc she likes to hurt people when she's hurt. She hasn't hurt me, but I wanted to hurt her to show her that she is using a very basic skill that MANY people have and just don't utilize. I wanted to just take her down a notch or two, let her have a dose of her own medicine.

 

I know that I should feel sorry for her, and I do on some level. But on another level, I also know that she purposely hurts people in an attempt to get her way. And that is disgusting, especially in a woman in her 50s, imo. I wouldn't be getting anything out of hurting her other than showing her what it's like to be on the receiving end of that kind of childishness - and letting her know that we ALL have that power even if we don't use it.

 

So, I am calmer now in that I'm just going to let it go. I know it's "just" email. I just want my boundaries to be respected. I have never disrespected her boundaries (or even stbxw's, which is why stbxw has even said that she preferred me over the new OW bc I was discreet and didn't try to shove things in her face), and will not allow her to violate my boundaries. Unstable or not, it's not a free gold ticket to just do whatever she wants without consequences.

 

I will not respond, but maybe as I ignore her she will escalate and threaten me, or even show up somewhere that I am and threaten me. I can handle that, and will use my ability to 96 hour her if she appears to be suicidal or homicidal. She doesn't have to like it, but that would be a natural consequence if she continues to harass me.

 

I am disappointed in exMM only bc he chose such a crazy person. I know he tried to get out of it when he realized how she is and she acted even crazier - so, I can understand his reluctance to upset her. But, I do firmly believe that it's HIS fault that I even have to deal with her. If he had not started contacting me again (and while they were together, if she has his phone records somehow, she could verify that he was calling me, not vice versa) to try to date me, she would perhaps not be focusing on me. I do blame him for that - but also can see logically that his re-engaging with her would be a disaster, not to mention illegal since he has an RO against her.

 

Today is almost over, and I already feel better. Once this day is done, I will be fine. This is honestly the hardest day of the year for me (and my baby sister, who I spoke with earlier) and it was just a really bad time for her to try to jack with me. I have enough crap to deal with in life without having someone that is nothing to me trying to insert themselves, and their petty drama, into my life. I am having dinner with an attorney friend on Wednesday and am taking the emails to see if he thinks I have any legal recourse at this time. It might be enough with just simple harassment and no threats. If so, I will have him file an RO for me against her - then I will have legal recourse if she continues to try to contact me.

 

Thanks for all of the responses, this was my way of working through it without doing anything IRL that I couldn't take back. I am not planning on going NC with exMM, I don't really see any reason to at this point - unless this was enough - and it honestly isn't. I know that if he and I are going to see each other, that she is going to flip sh**, and will probably do something crazy - but I can handle that.

 

The only thing I wonder if I should do at this point is return the email with a simple, "Please stop contacting me, I am not interested in conversing with you about anything, and never will be. Thank you." ???? That way, she is warned? ExMM was of the mind that ANY contact just fuels her - he's probably right, but if I can block the email, I may send the above two sentences, block her, and be done with it (unless she calls of course).

 

So, worst day of the year almost over, thankfully. Feeling much better, less annoyed, and talking to my sister was very helpful. Which, by the way, my sister agreed that I shouldn't engage with her at all, but wasn't one iota worried about me - she was worried about the ex gf as my sister knows me very well and has seen me defending myself and her on many occasions, lol.

 

So, thanks again - for letting me vent, for responding, and for the kind words from several of you. I appreciate it and the interactive journaling has been helpful to me more than I can explain...

[AnotherRound]

In the end you can ignore her - I hope she does go away.

 

What seems MORE pertinent is that MM isn't feeling badly that HIS actions created this mess - and so much so - that it has now affected YOU enough to break NC with him in order to relay info about how YOU feel - yet he still doesn't seem to care enough to DO anything to make YOU feel better about what mess HE created!

 

He may have a RO against her - but that shouldn't keep HIM from having empathy for YOU.

 

He's not looking to me like a man I'd be attracted to - at all!

 

Hugs for your situation with your Mom.

 

Yes, I am frustrated with him, no doubt. I think he was relieved that she wasn't aiming at him for once - and he did show some empathy, but I wanted more... understanding maybe? I don't know what I wanted - I expected him to be angry that she had contacted me again - but he was just annoyed. He was more of the mind of "ignore her and she will eventually go away". Which is probably true, but I felt like I needed to DO something. Or he did - or something.

 

I understand where he is coming from, I do. But, I guess I wanted him to be more angry FOR me? He just literally sighed, and was like, "is this crazy b ever going to stay out of my life?" And the fact that I feel like she would have no meaning in my life at all if it weren't for him, well - he just didn't see that in that he just said, "she will stalk anyone that is even barely associated with me" bc apparently, that is what she has been doing.

 

I think he is seriously concerned about her potential to harm - but he also said that he isn't worried about me. I guess that works against me sometimes, my ability to take care of myself, bc people just don't worry about me or swoop in to save me? lol They figure, eh, she's got it under control - bc I always do. Maybe sometimes I need to let people help me so that I don't always have to do it myself?

 

Thanks for the feedback - and I'm not gonna lie, this doesn't make me hate him, or not love him. I just accept that he handles things differently than I do. It will all buff out in the end.

 

Thanks for the kind words about my Mom. She was a great, but human, lady and I miss her a lot. I think back and feel so sad for her bc her life was so hard for all 37 years that she had, and then it ended the way it did - it just seemed really unfair that she never had a break.

[MissBee]

 

 

 

This was my struggle - I knew that contacting her was not the "right" thing bc I could hurt her emotionally with words. But I WANTED to hurt her bc she is trying to hurt me - and has hurt stbxw and exMM's child, and stbxw by herself, and exMM. Not bc she threw tantrums - although it was unnecessary, but bc she likes to hurt people when she's hurt. She hasn't hurt me, but I wanted to hurt her to show her that she is using a very basic skill that MANY people have and just don't utilize. I wanted to just take her down a notch or two, let her have a dose of her own medicine.

 

The only thing I wonder if I should do at this point is return the email with a simple, "Please stop contacting me, I am not interested in conversing with you about anything, and never will be. Thank you." ???? That way, she is warned? ExMM was of the mind that ANY contact just fuels her - he's probably right, but if I can block the email, I may send the above two sentences, block her, and be done with it (unless she calls of course).

 

Why?

 

Trying to teach crazy people lessons is futile, in my own experience.

 

Indifference is best.

 

If she is crazy, I don't see how you emailing her that will make any difference, except serve as a way of saying "I want to play with you". She doesn't need a warning. Blocking her is enough. I HIGHLY doubt she will simply say "Oh sorry, didn't know you didn't want to speak. Bye now" I mean, that is what a normal person would do right? We've established she's crazy, so any attempt to reason with a crazy person, would make you the crazy one lol.

 

However, I do wish you luck if you decide to date him in the future.

[AnotherRound]

Why?

 

Trying to teach crazy people lessons is futile, in my own experience.

 

Indifference is best.

 

If she is crazy, I don't see how you emailing her that will make any difference, except serve as a way of saying "I want to play with you". She doesn't need a warning. Blocking her is enough. I HIGHLY doubt she will simply say "Oh sorry, didn't know you didn't want to speak. Bye now" I mean, that is what a normal person would do right? We've established she's crazy, so any attempt to reason with a crazy person, would make you the crazy one lol.

 

However, I do wish you luck if you decide to date him in the future.

 

In the state that I live in, someone contacting you or showing up on your property is NOT a crime or harassment UNTIL you tell them not to, that you don't want them to. That way, I would have the email showing that I asked her not to contact me - so any contact after that would be considered harassment. My attorney friend suggested it - just wondered what everyone here thought.

 

I'm not going to try to reason with her - exMM has already done that, and it obviously did not work. I'm just going to make clear to her that any contact attempts are unwanted by me. Maybe she's convinced that I like reading her emails, lol, because she keeps adding details that she apparently thinks I want to know or don't already know (so far, nothing I wasn't aware of, but she obvs doesn't know that).

 

And, in some ways, I DO want to play with her. Because like I said, I think she deserves to have some of her own medicine. Since she seems so willing to dish it out and the stbxw wouldn't fight back at all - and exMM tried but gave up - I kind of want to deliver the emotional blow that ends her contact with this whole situation - bc I know I have it, and I know I can. Evil? Yeah, a little - but she just keeps pushing it. The more she pushes it, the less reason I see to refrain. I wouldn't gain anything from it - other than having the pleasure of handing her back her own crap - which almost sounds worth the contact.

 

I'm sitting tight for now. It's probably the best thing to do. And, I'm going to wait until I'm in a much less emotional place - as right now, I have very low frustration tolerance and I'm sure that's playing into it. Like I said though, she should probably be more careful who she messes with bc one really never knows what they are pushing in situations like this. And maybe that's just it - justice. I want there to be justice for all of her actions and hatred towards stbxw and the child that is involved. She has proven to be a hateful person who wants to inflict pain, and she's a mother and a grandmother herself. I want her to feel what she has caused to others - especially since she is purposely hurting others for her own pleasure.

[MissBee]

And, in some ways, I DO want to play with her. Because like I said, I think she deserves to have some of her own medicine. Since she seems so willing to dish it out and the stbxw wouldn't fight back at all - and exMM tried but gave up - I kind of want to deliver the emotional blow that ends her contact with this whole situation - bc I know I have it, and I know I can. Evil? Yeah, a little - but she just keeps pushing it. The more she pushes it, the less reason I see to refrain. I wouldn't gain anything from it - other than having the pleasure of handing her back her own crap - which almost sounds worth the contact.

 

I'm sitting tight for now. It's probably the best thing to do. And, I'm going to wait until I'm in a much less emotional place - as right now, I have very low frustration tolerance and I'm sure that's playing into it. Like I said though, she should probably be more careful who she messes with bc one really never knows what they are pushing in situations like this. And maybe that's just it - justice. I want there to be justice for all of her actions and hatred towards stbxw and the child that is involved. She has proven to be a hateful person who wants to inflict pain, and she's a mother and a grandmother herself. I want her to feel what she has caused to others - especially since she is purposely hurting others for her own pleasure.

 

 

This makes sense to me and was how I was reading it. I was like hmmmm it seems AR has to on some level want to engage with this woman, because if she didn't it's pretty simple to ignore her and this is not that big of a deal that requires much action or head space, the law, the MM etc.

 

I don't think playing is a good idea personally....butttt if you feel it will vindicate you or stop her, then hey.

 

It seems it will likely backfire tough, hence I'd stay clear. MM and his family seem to have moved on from her and I doubt any of them will thank you for "serving justice" to her...so I'd simply allow this to die out without much fanfare and only seek the law and allow it to take up head space if she escalates it. But as you've said, she should be careful about who she's messing with...so should you. If someone is a known unstable person, you also have no idea how far she'll go and perhaps she is a more ruthless woman than you and when you've decided to teach her a lesson...you end up being the one schooled. For that reason, I'd leave crazy people to their own devises and not provoke her or attempt to serve her justice etc. Take the simpler route IMO and only resort to the law (and not even your own kind of justice) if she goes above and beyond after you've blocked her.

 

But I'd follow MM's lead in this case and leave her alone.

[UpwardForward]

How old is the MM? He has a small child so he must be fairly young?

[whichwayisup]

That's the problem here. I don't think she has any idea what I have handled in my life, and she is nothing more than an annoyance.

 

Then why bother? You're going to do what you're going to do either way no matter what we all tell you. Whether it's now or later, it seems you're just wanting to let loose on her. Maybe your own anger and pain for what you feel towards your exMM? Yet you'll take it all out on her. And honestly AR, I think you're going to regret reacting to her.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I am frustrated with him, no doubt. I think he was relieved that she wasn't aiming at him for once - and he did show some empathy, but I wanted more... understanding maybe? I don't know what I wanted - I expected him to be angry that she had contacted me again - but he was just annoyed. He was more of the mind of "ignore her and she will eventually go away". Which is probably true, but I felt like I needed to DO something. Or he did - or something.

 

Let's be completely honest here. A big part of what's driving you is how your exMM reacted to the news that she is emailing you. He advised you to drop it and ignore her. You want him to stand up and fight with you, be by your side. He doesn't want to get involved or know what is going on with excrazy OW. Twice you've told him and twice he's not really reacted the way you'd hope he would.

 

Is it possible that if you go after her, then she reacts back to you, worse - Then you can call or see him, hoping he'll come to rescue you, be by your side? Get involved and protect you from her?

 

ALL this about a woman whom you said is a mild annoyance.

 

You're better than stooping to her crazy level. leave it alone and just ignore her. You're going to create more drama than you need!

[2sunny]

I'm a little concerned that you aren't having a MAD reaction to this MM! He's acting like a wussy!

 

You should be madder than hell at him for being such an idiot to have dated her - AND a man that's NOT doing anything to shut that crazy B**** down!

 

Seems his W was mad enough to be tired of all the chaos his choices brought to her life.

 

I wish you'd get tired enough of his drama to end it for good.

[Got it]

AR - I understand. I have had many times where I write a diatribe in my head about what I want to say to someone, especially if what they said/did was unfair or poor assessment of me. But I always follow it up with "and then what?" After I write it, what will there response be? And then mine? And where will the tennis match go with us both continuing to volley back verbal/physical responses? The beauty, when you give no response, the other party has no idea how you are feeling/thinking. Silence is golden, silence is dignity, silence is power.

 

Re: your exMM's response. I have found that men do not say I'm sorry at the frequency of women. Studies have shown that as well. I completely understand wanting the other person to say I'm sorry as a way to acknowledge the misfortune befallen upon you. I have found men say I am sorry when they feel directly responsible and accountable for said misfortune. It still stinks and you just want to hear, "I understand what you are saying, I am sorry that you are dealing with it, is there anything I can do to make it better?"

[AnotherRound]

I know - everyone is right. The best thing is not to engage - just like exMM said. He obviously has done this dance with this woman and he knows that she just amps up the crazy when engaged at all. I haven't responded at all, and am just going to let it go. I do feel sorry for her - that she is so needy of attention that she will reach out to anyone, no matter how little they have to do with exMM. She has apparently been approaching people consistently trying to get them to listen to her "story" about him - even though he ended it with her 8 months ago and hasn't engaged with her since. She is STILL trying - that does not point to a "stable" person, imo.

 

I guess it was like one of those moments where I was imagining what I could say to her - how I could shut her down (bc I honestly think I could), bc she deserves that, imo. She has every right to be upset, but she doesn't have the right to purposely hurt others bc she is upset. That's not how it works - and I guess I wanted to teach her a lesson about that. Even though it's not my job or duty, I feel like I have information that could do just that - and I REALLY wanted to use it against her, shut her down - let her feel the results of her own MO.

 

I am particularly frustrated that she did anything in front of exMMs child. Someone asked about exMM's child's age, he is a young teenager, not a small child. But still - he didn't need to be exposed to the kind of crazy drama that this woman dragged him into. I was with exMM for 7 years and NEVER stooped to that. It was enough for me that stbxw was aware, and compliant, and we had a sort of unspoken agreement between she and I that we would not intrude into each others worlds - and we didn't (she did a little, but I think that was just curiosity on her part, I never felt threatened or imposed on really). So, for this woman to be involved for less than a year and then flip out when things didn't go her way - and then to go on a crazy "hurt anyone I can" streak - is frustrating to me. It was all just so unnecessary - and avoidable. If she didn't like the set up, she could have just left. But no, she wanted to force the situation to go the way she wanted it to go - and failed miserably, but in the meantime, hurt people that didn't deserve to be hurt, imo.

 

So, like I said, I'm in a better place today emotionally - the worst day of the year for me is over. I feel relieved and okay - and as much as I hate that I have that part of me that would LOVE to put that woman in her place, I know I shouldn't, and I would feel bad afterwards bc I know that she can't handle what she dishes out, that's obvious. I will be content to let karma handle her without my help, and I'm sure it will.

 

And I am frustrated with exMM - but no, I don't hate him just bc he handles things differently than I do - we are just different people, and I am understanding and accepting of that. My way isn't the "right" way - we all have to handle things as we see fit for ourselves, and that's not always going to be the same. I know exMM - he won't be "mean" to this woman bc he just isn't that guy. I can be mean when necessary. We are different.

 

And yes, I'm disappointed in him - not bc he didn't rush to my side - I don't need that, I can handle myself. I am disappointed that he again, chose someone so freaking wacky. I have no idea why he thinks these "type" of women are going to be anything but spoiled and histrionic - it oozes out of their every pore, and most anyone can spot it a mile away. But for some reason, he picked another one in this woman. I am frustrated bc he hasn't seemed to learn HIS lesson yet about this. And I know I got jumped on before when I said this, but yes, the people he has picked does weigh in to my decision on whether or not I would date him again. Bc now I have even more information re him being attracted to very shallow women. I am frustrated that he hasn't learned this lesson - and always confused about how he and I ever got together bc I am night and day different from these women - in every way. And, it frustrates me if that is what he keeps "picking", bc if that is what he wants, then I am NOT that girl and have no idea why he is interested in me at all. I don't want to date someone, or even be friends with someone, that is attracted to people like this woman - it says something to me about HIM - and that disappoints me.

 

So, final word is, I am NOT going to engage at all. If she shows up, I will handle it appropriately by contacting the police - and if she appears to be unstable, I will have her 96 houred for her own good. I know a LOT about her, but will not use it against her - no matter how badly I want to at some moments. I just wish that she would meet her match so that she would stop her crazy behaviors - and I think I could be that "match", but I won't do it. I am just honestly amazed that she is a mother and a grandmother and acts like this - I can't even imagine my own grandmother, or anyone that I know that age, acting like this. It just comes off as really pathetic and needy and insecure - and so attention seeking. Histrionic. Ugh.