I need to figure out why it ended

[ACA Joe]

A couple of months ago I met an intelligente, sensitive, gorgeous woman (28 yrs old) who works as a hostess in restaurant and is also a single mom of a 12 year old kid. When we met she had been dating for over a year a 44 yr. old married man who apparently was seeing somebody else on the side. A couple of days after we met she got dumped and was devasted. She has had an extremely difficult life and in many ways has given up on her dreams of finding somebody who would appreciate her for who she is and not for what she looks like. She has met many guys who only want to get into her pants or who sooner or later can't handle her being a single mom of a soon to be teenager. Her view of life can be extremely crude and cynical. By the way I'm 29.

 

We hit it off really well and we would talk for hours over the phone although she didn't want to go out since she still felt really bad for having been dumped. Since I wanted to pursue something more than a friendship I tried very hard no to be her shrink and fall into the "only friends" category. Eventually she got better and she couldn´t stop thanking me for having been at her side during her bad times. We started going out and I didn't want to go very fast since I was sure she still had feelings for this guy. She put our relationship into overdrive and mentioned how happy she was to have met me, that she wanted us to be very happy as long as our relationship would last and that she hoped that we would be together for many years. She got to meet my family who welcomed very well. She was the first to point out that we were a couple and she was also the first to move our relationship into a sexual one also. She also mentioned that was very attracted to me physically.

 

Things were going well when out of the nowhere she told me that she wanted out. She thought she had gotten over the guy she dated for over a year but she hadn't. She felt very badly because even though she was very happy with me, she felt it wasn't fair to her or me that she would often remeber her boyfriend with both nostalgia and pain. She said she made a mistake in thinking she would be able to handle the situation. It was the typical "It's not you it's me" (Don't you hate that line?)

 

I have spoken with her on and off and although she seems to be OK she does nothing but go to work and in the afternoon and evening she stays in her room without going out except to be with her son. I have hinted at seeing her but she doesn't accept. I'm wondering why she went into our relationship so strong and suddenlty she completely backed out. Any thoughts or suggestions?

[Tony T]

Possiblity Number One: You were a transitional, or healing, relationship. I am sure she thought she was ready to go out but she wasn't. She used you to get over the pain of her breakup and once she got better you no longer served any useful purpose in her life.

 

But Even Greater Possibility Number Two: Because of her history with men, she only dates married men or men who are otherwise unattainable. She used you to feel better about the world but once she felt she was feeling closer to you, she went into panic mode and backed off. Many women who consistently date married men, get involved in long distance relationships with GUD's (geographically undesireables), or get involved with men who will soon move away, etc., find these relationships very safe because they know in the beginning what the outcome will be.

 

I am sure she had a difficult childhood but, as an adult, she brings all the difficulty on herself.

 

You are best served by chalking this up to a learning experience and finding a chick without the serious baggage she has. Have respect for her desire to be alone. This may be the time she needs to realize exactly what her problems are.

 

Then again, she may never change.

[Deejette]

Her going out with a married man who is seeing someone on the side does not show that she is thinking about providing a stable home for her 12-year-old child. This woman has her own problems that she needs to work out about unavailable men.

 

Most women who want to have a serious relationship in their life stay away from married men. Obviously she doesn't want a fulfilling relationship and you will have to let her go her way unless she develops enough self-esteem to go for a man like you, who shows kindness and concern for her as a person.

 

Some people only feel like they are in love if they feel anxiety, insecurity, and pain. They live in a state of longing that can never be fulfilled, and that to them is how they have experienced that thing called love, their whole lives because they never got enough love in their childhoods.

Possiblity Number One: You were a transitional, or healing, relationship. I am sure she thought she was ready to go out but she wasn't. She used you to get over the pain of her breakup and once she got better you no longer served any useful purpose in her life. But Even Greater Possibility Number Two: Because of her history with men, she only dates married men or men who are otherwise unattainable. She used you to feel better about the world but once she felt she was feeling closer to you, she went into panic mode and backed off. Many women who consistently date married men, get involved in long distance relationships with GUD's (geographically undesireables), or get involved with men who will soon move away, etc., find these relationships very safe because they know in the beginning what the outcome will be. I am sure she had a difficult childhood but, as an adult, she brings all the difficulty on herself. You are best served by chalking this up to a learning experience and finding a chick without the serious baggage she has. Have respect for her desire to be alone. This may be the time she needs to realize exactly what her problems are.

 

Then again, she may never change.

[Mitch]

Possiblity Number One: You were a transitional, or healing, relationship. I am sure she thought she was ready to go out but she wasn't. She used you to get over the pain of her breakup and once she got better you no longer served any useful purpose in her life. But Even Greater Possibility Number Two: Because of her history with men, she only dates married men or men who are otherwise unattainable. She used you to feel better about the world but once she felt she was feeling closer to you, she went into panic mode and backed off. Many women who consistently date married men, get involved in long distance relationships with GUD's (geographically undesireables), or get involved with men who will soon move away, etc., find these relationships very safe because they know in the beginning what the outcome will be. I am sure she had a difficult childhood but, as an adult, she brings all the difficulty on herself. You are best served by chalking this up to a learning experience and finding a chick without the serious baggage she has. Have respect for her desire to be alone. This may be the time she needs to realize exactly what her problems are.

 

Then again, she may never change.

Yeah, this is trouble.

 

A kid at 16, dating a married guy 16 years older, ... things aren't right there.

 

If they can't store their baggage comfortably in the overhead bin and seat in front of them, it probably isn't worth the trouble.

 

She definitely cannot.

 

Maybe keep in contact occasionally but realize that things aren't likely to be much different with her.

 

And do you really want a woman who is ready to switch from forward to reverse on a dime? Yeeuch!

 

What would happen if she had the chance to pull that when you guys had much more going on?

 

This might be a rare case of "it's not you it's me" being the case.